A little edited etc. I didn't alter the plot any (although that could use some redoing...) Consider this a lame, recycled Christmas present. Complete with secondhand gift-wrapping!
Christmas Bonus
Christmas wasn't Randall's favourite time of year.
In fact he pretty much loathed it.
He didn't have a very good reason for loathing it.
It all stemmed from a single Christmas when, as a kid, he'd overdosed on cake. He had spent the remainder of the day with his head stuck in the toilet, with various relatives occasionally popping into the bathroom to have a good giggle. It had ended with a strict telling off before a very early bed time.
Yep, that Christmas had definitely been the worst Christmas ever.
So since then Randall had developed a strange phobia of Christmas cake. All that white icing and marzipan. Just thinking about it made him want to run to a nearby toilet and hide there for a little while.
So it wasn't exactly a good reason for hating Christmas, but Randall had never been one for scruples.
No time for second chances. Second chances were for losers!
He likened his intense loathing for Christmas, and the bundles of joy which came with it (which also happened to include frightening Christmas cake) with his equally strong dislike for James P Sullivan and Mike Wazowski.
And that was why this years Christmas was a very healthy contender for Worst Christmas Ever. Because this Christmas, Henry Waternoose, Monsters Inc company manager, had announced a Christmas party. And that party would include frightening cake. And James P Sullivan. And Mike Wazowski.
Oh yes. Randall Boggs was pretty confident that this was going to be the Worst Christmas Ever.
&&&
"You can't take the day off sick, Randall! It's end of year bonus!"
Randall rolled his eyes and scowled at Fungus. It was Friday morning, it was snowing, and the two monsters were making a sluggish journey toward MI.
Fungus was providing a very festive and encouraging commentary; pointing out the uniqueness of all the pretty snowflakes, the little kids having snowball fights in the street and the glowing fairy light decorations twisting round various shop windows.
Randall considered that he might be getting frostbite. He muttered the concern to Fungus.
"...all this walkin'. It's making my toes sore. Y'know, I think I might have to go home sick..."
Fungus tugged him back before he could make a very cunning escape.
"But Randall!" the red monster said cheerfully; "I heard that if monsters manage a full years attendance they'll get a bonus! And you've not taken one sick day, if I recall correctly. I mean there was that one day when we had that incident with the child's rubber duck, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count when considering-"
"I don't remember the duck incident," Randall interrupted absently, "hey Fungus, what duck incident?"
But Fungus looked far too busy dancing about on the spot like an excited kid, jiggling a box in his hands which was labelled "Festive Things".
Randall was quite disconcerted by the sight.
He eyed Fungus's jangling box with the deep and dark suspicion of a ninja about to strike a deadly enemy. Much more than once he'd considered snatching the cursed thing and throwing it in a nearby garbage outlet. Nothing good could come of "Festive Things", no matter how prettily they were wrapped up.
"oh, the duck incident was a little while ago," Fungus explained with an air of great knowledge. "I think it might have had something to do with Wazowski,"
"Figures," Randall looked properly at Fungus and tried to practise some novelty patience; "So what you're saying is, I should try and sit this stupid party out, and at the end of it I'll get the bonus?"
"Exactly," Fungus looked hopeful.
"But I don't do parties, Fungus. Especially not parties with Sullivan and Wazowski,"
"You don't have to talk to them, necessarily," Fungus said. "Maybe just a wave and that's it-"
"No waving either," Randall snapped. "No contact at all. And especially no waving," he jabbed a finger at Fungus, "got it?"
"Right," Fungus nodded happily. Randall took the moment to snatch the box out of the monsters hands, and he grinned with childish victory as he raised it above his head. "Now we'll see exactly what you got in this stupid thing-" he opened the box and was greeting with a bright and garish display of Christmas lights.
Mostly tempted to uncoil the terrible eyesores, but caught unawares by Fungus's sad and rather pathetic face, Randall was plagued by a rude and inconsiderate conscience. He deliberated a few seconds, before handing them back.
"Since when couldn't Waternoose afford his own lousy decorations, anyway?" he folded his arms and looked petulant.
"I don't know," Fungus shrugged, stroking a hand protectively over the container. "But it's pretty fun to do, you know,"
"Oh jeez..." Randall rolled his eyes.
"I made streamers, and holly. Well, I didn't make the holly. I actually cut that off my own holly tree. I've been looking after it all year, you know..."
Randall grasped Fungus by the arm and tugged him along, "Come on, lunatic. Let's get this stupid thing over with,"
&&
MI was already full of festive decor; and the sight of twinkling tinsels- red, blue, silver and green, were enough to reduce Randall's eyes to little slits of disgust. He glared appropriately at Fungus as they entered the foyer.
"Remind me again why you thought you had to bring those decorations in?"
"Well, er. They might be short on the Scare floors." Fungus suggested unhelpfully.
They made contrasting journeys to reception; Fungus merrily bounding along like a little bundle of holiday joy, whilst Randall sloped inconspicuously behind him.
"Good morning Fungus, Randall," Celia said in her usual sweet sort of way. She was wearing a santa hat that was brought to life quite well by her head of snakes. They wriggled, hissed and looked generally unhappy beneath it.
"Morning, Celia," Fungus grinned as he passed the box of decorations to her. "Er, Mr Waternoose requested some more trimmings. I did quite a few. I hope there's enough there."
"Well," Celia smiled between the two monsters, "Getting into the festive mood, are we, boys?"
"Of course," Fungus beamed.
"Speak for yourself," Randall leaned against the desk with some despondence.
"If it isn't scrooge himself,"
Randall looked at Celia with boredom. "Bah, humbug?"
"Oh dear," Celia shook her head, "Can't even muster up a villainous catch phrase? This is serious."
"Yeah. Maybe I should call in sick?" Randall brightened a bit.
"So I can break the terrible news to Mike that you won't be joining us for the Christmas party?"
"Sorry, no can do," Randall smirked a bit. "If I turn up to your stupid party I'm entitled to the Christmas bonus. You're lookin' at a 100 percent attendance monster, here,"
Celia looked quite underwhelmed; "Trust you. Persuaded to go to a party by the greedy lure of money. Your meanness never fails to astound me, Randall."
"Flattery will get you everywhere." Randall grinned at her.
Celia wrinkled her nose; "Please."
"Still, 100 percent attendance. Pretty impressive, huh?"
"Would you like a shiny gold star?" Celia asked, perfectly patronising.
Randall pulled a face;"So, you got my quota for today, Celia?"
"I've got your quota, Randall," she said frostily, handing the appropriate paperwork over to Fungus; and along with it, offered the red monster a santa hat. "Waternoose ordered them," she said as she placed it on the monsters head.
"Great idea! Really helps spread the festive cheer."
Randall looked between them both wearily. "Am I the only monster with half a brain round here?"
"Oh, don't be such a party pooper, Randall," Celia said. "Here, wear a santa hat and sing a song." She tugged Randall forwards by the fronds before he could begin to react, and then set another rather fluffy and degrading santa hat on the lizard monsters head.
"Oh, you look lovely." Celia observed. "Really sets off your eyes."
"You've lost your mind,"
"Now how about a song?" Celia asked.
"How about jingle bells?"
Randall whirled round to see Sulley standing behind him, looking politely interested.
"Sullivan!" Randall straightened significantly. "Don't you know it's rude to butt into other peoples conversations?"
"Well, I er, just thought..."
"Well don't think, Sullivan!" Randall snapped sharply, "It doesn't suit you."
"Pay no attention, Sulley," Celia batted a hand at him. "He's just being a grouchy santa."
Randall put his hands on his hips; "I'm not a santa,"
"As long as you wear that adorable fluffy hat you'll be a santa. A pretty angry santa, but a santa, nonetheless," said Celia.
"Don't be stupid." Randall curled his lip. "Hey, where's the eyeball, today?" he peered eagerly behind Sulley. "Did his abnormally shaped body sink and get buried in all the snow this morning? Cos that would be a shame. A real shame."
Sulley ignored the jibe, directing his answer at Celia. "He's still trying to find you the perfect present. I keep telling him that you don't mind, but he insists he has to get it just right..."
"I don't want anything expensive. I hope he didn't go crazy."
"I tried telling him," Sulley shrugged. "Like talking to a brick wall."
"More stimulating, though," Randall said.
"Huh?" Sulley and Celia turned to him.
"The brick wall. It's probably more stimulating to talk to," Randall elaborated quickly. "So, Sullivan." he looked the larger monster up and down with a bit of disdain. "You going to this...this party thing, later?"
"Um, I guess so." Sulley didn't seem very elated by the fact, "Actually, I was thinking about pulling a sickie. Parties really aren't my thing, you know..."
"Oh don't be silly," Celia scoffed. "You deserve a chance to let your fur down. You've not had a single day off work this year, and if you make the party you're entitled to the Christmas bonus!"
"Really?" Sulley asked with only vague interest.
"Yeah," Fungus piped up, jittering with what was probably an abnormal amount of excitement.
"What?! No!" Randall clamped a hand round Fungus's mouth and then directed a savage glare at Celia. "No he isn't! That bonus is mine!"
"That bonus is entitled to everyone." Celia sniffed, shuffling over her paperwork.
"I deserve it more!"
"Why?" Celia raised her brow.
"Why? Why?...Why!" Randall looked about a little desperately. "I...I...I can do this!"
A ripple of colour flashed over his scales; and a festive pattern of red reindeer on a silver backdrop covered him completely.
"Ooh, nice." Sulley looked impressed.
Celia looked less convinced. "It's very pretty and everything, Randall. But what makes you think that entitles you to the Christmas bonus?"
"I...I don't know," Randall pouted. "But let's see Sullivan do that," he folded his arms. "He's way too furry for one thing,"
"He's furry and he's the top Scarer." Celia reminded.
"A minor detail. Still way too furry,"
Sulley looked thoughtful."I wonder who'll get the Christmas Bonus then?"
"Probably the monster who works the hardest today?" Celia suggested.
"Or the one who contributes most to the party!" said Fungus.
"Well whatever the deal is, I'm sure to get it," Randall told them.
"One of these days, definitely," Celia nodded, "You'll definitely get what's coming to you, Randall."
"What's coming to Randall? A really big snowball, I hope,"
All the monsters turned to see Mike standing before them; a bag in one hand and a box in the other. His cheeks were pink and he looked windswept.
"I've been shopping," he explained.
"Oh Mike. I hope you didn't get me anything too pricey. It'll make my present look awful." Celia looked worried.
"Yeah. She got you a ping pong table." Randall grinned. "All you need now is the bats so that we can whack you across it."
"Funny, Randall." Mike offered him a bored glare, before confiding to Celia in a quieter tone; "You didn't really get me a ping pong table, did you?"
Celia shook her head, amused.
"Well, can't stand here hanging with you losers," Randall sighed, "I got a Christmas bonus to win me," he turned with a flourish toward the Scare Floors, Fungus at his heel.
"Bonus? A bonus?" Mike perked up, almost dropping his shopping in the process. He turned to Sulley, "You never said anything about bonus, Sulley!"
"Well, now you know,"
"Yes, now we do!" Mike looked fierce.
"We?" Sulley raised a brow apprehensively.
"Yes! And we're gonna get it before lizard boy!"
"Mike..." Sulley exchanged a glance with Celia.
Mike marched gallantly ahead, toward the Scare Floor. "Hop to it, Sul! We got a bit of friendly competition ahead of us!"
"Friendly? Yeah right..."
&&&
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way!"
George Sanderson was singing. He'd been singing since he'd entered the building that morning, and had yet to wear out his tuneless voice.
It must have been, in Randall's vague estimation, at least the 73rd rendition. It had become so intolerable that Randall had almost forgotten how to think coherently without the accompanying undertones of Jingle Bell's ringing dully at the back of his mind.
"He needs to shut up very soon, or something real bad is gonna happen to him, Fungus,"
"Really?" Fungus looked concerned. "Do you think we should warn him? What sort of bad?"
"The sort of bad that involves me accidentally pushing him through the next door that comes into our station," Randall said in a tone as dark as his mid-morning coffee.
"It's just for today," Fungus comforted.
Randall wasn't really listening. He watched as George bounced out of his next door, still singing. Randall shuddered.
"I need more coffee, only coffee can make this day better,"
Fungus grinned as he refilled his cup."Well still, it's nice to see you getting into the festive spirit, Randall."
"What? What're you talking about?" Randall was confused.
Fungus pointed a nervous finger at the lizard monsters head. "Hat."
Randall was momentarily aghast, before he swiped the culprit santa hat off his head; fronds springing up and about hyperactively.
"Aw. But the hat really sets off your-"
"-shut up!"
Fungus complied, but was less than subtle about hiding his sniggering behind a coffee cup.
"At least Waternoose didn't make it compulsory for us to wear these goofy things." Randall dangled the santa hat over the table. "No wonder this place is goin' down the drain. We go into a kids room wearin' these stupid things? They're gonna think santas come early!"
"Well, I guess, " Fungus laughed, and almost choked on his coffee.
Randall looked at his gagging assistant, alarmed. "What's wrong, doofus?" he gave the monster a slap on the back.
Fungus wheezed a thank you and did his best to compose himself.
Randall tapped his fingers impatiently on the desk; "So?"
"So what?" Fungus looked innocent.
"Don't play wise, Fungus." Randall glared. "C'mon. I know you're hiding something from me which I really don't wanna hear, but you're gonna tell me anyway or I'll do something really evil,"
"Like what?" Fungus asked, quivering a bit.
"Um...I dunno, I haven't thought of it yet,"
"Well what if it's not all that evil, then I shouldn't have to tell you-"
"Alright!" Randall glared, "how about... I'll mix all the different coloured Scare files up so you have to go through them all over again," Randall grinned widely. "How's that sound?"
Fungus was practically trembling with horror; "ok" he gulped. "I'll tell,"
"Nice!" Randall leant in eagerly.
Fungus hesitated; "But you really aren't gonna like it."
"Spill,"
"You know the ah...the daycare nursery?..."
Randall crooked his head, confused. "Daycare nursery?"
"Uh-huh." Fungus nodded, and looked skittish. "You know, where all the cute little monsters go and get babysat by that nice nanny monster-"
"-Yeah, ok Fungus. Don't paint me a picture,"
Fungus cleared his throat;
"Well...I um...I sorta put your name down...to kinda...bring some Christmas cheer to them."
"Christmas cheer?" Randall looked blank.
"Uh-huh."
"Christmas cheer," Randall repeated humourlessly, "Fungus. Do I look like the kinda monster who brings Christmas cheer?"
"Well..." Fungus hesitated, leaving a rather long and telling silence between them.
"Exactly my point, you little dolt!" Randall started to get up from the table.
"But Randall, wait!"
"What?!"
"If you do this you stand more chance of getting the bonus!"
Randall considered for a few moments, then; "ah, forget it. No bonus is worth babysitting loads of little brats," he twisted back round, to examine his next door.
"But Sullivans doing it."
Randall stopped in his tracks, eyes narrowed. "Oh. He is, is he?"
&&&
Roz still managed to look void of any joyous emotion, even with the addition of a fluffy santa hat (Randall guessed courtesy of Celia) and a ring of red tinsel dangling about her rather nonexistent neck. She also managed to remain as deadpan and monotone as ever, as she wished each and every monster that passed by a "very happy Christmas".
"So, Mr Boggs." she said slowly, "I see you're putting your name down for this. I am a little surprised. You'd be the least I would expect to-"
"Yeah, well. Season of good will and all that." Randall peered about the lobby unhappily. He was very eager to get this messy operation over and done with as quickly as possible.
"Sign here, please." Roz pushed a sheet of paper and a pen in front of him.
"Wait a minute," Randall narrowed his eyes, peering over the paper carefully. He turned a suspicious gaze at Roz, "Nothing gets signed till I read it. Ok?"
Roz shrugged. "Whatever."
As Randall scanned over the paper he began to feel a little sick. Then somewhat frightened. And then pretty horrified.
"You must comply to the reindeer costumes provided and do not attempt to dismantle the antlers." he read aloud, completely incredulous. "Reindeer costumes? Dismantling antlers? What is this all about?"
Roz looked at him listlessly; "The kiddies like it,"
"You should have knowledge of the song Jingle Bells and all of it's three verses." Randall continued reading, and thought he might have to break something. He gritted his teeth and looked at Roz; "Jingle Bells? Is this all serious?"
"The kiddies also enjoy a sing song."
"Sing song!" Randall cried, and turned away from the desk, shaking his head. He was going to give Fungus's neatly stacked Scare Files the rummaging of their life...
"Mr Boggs. Didn't you read the leaflet before you signed your name?" Roz enquired, not sounding interested at all.
"I didn't sign my name!"
"Well," Roz raised her brows very slowly, and a quivering smirk could barely be seen on her lips. "That is unfortunate, Mr Boggs. Very unfortunate."
"You think?"
"Do you want to continue?"
Randall looked at the paper sat before him and then back at the Scare Floor. And there he saw Sullivan emerging. Gritting his teeth, Randall picked up the pen and signed the paper very savagely.
"There. Happy?"
Roz slowly folded up the paper, her face set into that of a solemn funeral attendee; "Of course, Mr Boggs. Of course,"
Randall fumed silently.
"You will go to the daycare centre at lunch break and much festive fun and frolics will probably proceed,"
"Right," Randall muttered, "Not likely."
"Would you care to make a Christmas donation to charity before you leave, Mr Boggs?"
"What?..uh, yeah, sure," Randall batted a hand in agitation, "But, ah, I left my money in the locker. I better go get it..."
"No, it's a Christmas kiss." Roz explained, "The more kisses I get, the more money I raise." she gestured a weighty hand above her head.
Morbidly curious, Randall followed it up to see the mistletoe dangling before them. He looked at Roz with a bit of fright.
"Er. I have to go now,"
Roz smirked after him; "Have a nice day, Mr Boggs."
&&&
"So, someone signed you up too, huh?"
"What?" Randall blinked reluctantly up at Sullivan. "Oh..uh. No. It was my idea. I wanted to do it."
Sulley raised a brow. He looked about to contest the idea, then he simply said; "Oh."
The two monsters stood awkwardly outside the Day Care Nursery door. It had been decorated with drawings which the kids had made; mostly of santas and reindeers. Inside the room, they could faintly hear the commotion of the kids themselves. Randall feared there must be at least thirty of them.
"Mike signed me up." Sulley sighed. "I was supposed to be training right now,"
Randall stared at him, then snorted derisively.
"What?" Sulley looked curious.
Randall hesitated, then pouted a bit; "Actually, Fungus signed me up too. Stupid doofus."
Sulley chuckled. "Guess we both got dragged into it."
"Speak for yourself," Randall grimaced, "I'm actually looking forward to teaching those bra-, er, I mean little kiddies a few things. It'll be...er...fun. Fun. That's what it'll be. I'm pretty sure,"
"Really?" Sulley didn't look too convinced.
"Yeah, really," Randall nodded. "I'm the monsters monster. I like all monsters, big and small,"
"I see," Sulley sounded amused.
"Except for you," Randall said in quick afterthought. "I don't like you. Or Wazowski. Or Celia, come to think of it. And that guy on the third floor with the weird double eyeball thingies-"
"Well boys, are you ready to meet your audience?" a plump little monster stood in the doorway. In her tentacles were two very tatty and worn looking pieces of brown clothe.
Randall exchanged a reluctant glance with Sulley, before peering at the clothes. "Don't tell me, I think I guessed it. Reindeer, right?"
The monster woman beamed happily; "correct!"
Randall and Sulley looked at each other, and shared a feeling of impending doom.
&
The kid monsters were as noisy and as gruesome as Randall had expected. They whined a lot, and tugged at his fronds and teased his tail.
"I was never this bad as a kid," he declared, glaring at a kid who had taken to incessantly tugging at his stupid reindeer costume antlers. "Never, ever."
"You sure?"
Randall redirected his angry glare at Sullivan. Incomprehensibly, the great lug was actually enjoying the experience. Laughing and singing and looking a complete moron.
Randall was only comforted by the fact that Sullivan's reindeer costume looked even more idiotic than his own; it was clinging to the furry monsters hefty body, buttons popping and stitches tearing along the way.
"I woulda thought maybe you'd have been a...uh, lively kid." Sulley said, and looked polite.
"I was a great kid," Randall told him, "and I definitely didn't pull things I really shouldn't,"
Sulley nodded, he was trying to keep a kid from tugging at his mouth. "I think I was a pretty docile kid, actually..."
"I can imagine." Randall rolled his eyes.
He turned away from the other monster, but it was a mistake; a kid sprung out of nowhere and jumped cleanly onto his head; tugging at his fronds.
"Ow!" Randall yelled, unceremoniously pulling the monster off him. "....mangy little-"
"Randall," Sulley nudged him a warning, looking anxiously in the direction of the nanny monster. She didn't seem to have noticed anything.
"My fronds," Randall whimpered, delicately touching the tendrils which crowned his head.
Sulley looked at him with some exasperation. "You're fine,"
"Am not. I could have died,"
"Yeah, right, Randall."
"Tell me this, wise guy," Randall demanded, "How come we're the only two dopes volunteering to do this sappy job, anyway? I've not seen another monster in here all afternoon."
"Neither have I," Sulley admitted. "Maybe there's other nurseries,"
"Or maybe we're the only two monsters stupid enough to do this,"
"Well we can't get out of it now," Sulley looked at a loss of what to suggest.
"Yes we can." Randall grinned roguishly, "Well I can. You can't. Stupid."
Sulley looked at him with intrigue, "What are you gonna do?"
"Ssh." Randall hushed, and then he blinked his eyes shut and had vanished.
"Oh, I see,"
"Can you see me?" Randall asked eagerly.
"Er, no...but..."
"Good. Seeya Sullivan!" Randall said with happy malice, "Have fun babysitting the brats!"
"But...er...Randall..."
"Look! An invisible reindeer!"
All the kids turned and looked with an excited awe as the weightless, tattered reindeer costume floated across the nursery room; toward the door.
"Oh how wonderful!" the nanny monster shrieked her delight. "So nice of you to improvise and think up new ideas to entertain the kiddies, Mr Boggs!"
Randall revealed himself with a stricken and nervous smile. "Er, yeah. That's what I was doing, sure," he stalked, miserably defeated, back to Sulley.
"Nice try, Randall," Sulley grinned, "Nice try,"
Randall curled onto the ground, recoiling as another kid pounced and tugged at his antlers. He folded his arms and looked sideways at Sulley; "Shut up,"
&&&
"A buffet! Mr Waternoose thought of everything!"
There was lively chatter all about a long and tastelessly decorated table; and upon it were vast supplies of food. Chirpy Christmas music floated about the room, adding to the cheery atmosphere. It was the after work party, and Randall was late.
He wove animatedly through Needleman and Smitty, who were acting as waiters to the event, then caught one of them by the elbow.
"Hey, am I late? Is there any space left at all?"
"Er, yes, you're in luck, Mr Randall, sir," Needleman squeaked. "There's one space, reserved just for yo-"
Randall cursed and pushed past him. A reservation? There was just no escaping this nightmare, clearly.
He wedged himself grouchily between Fungus and George Sanderson, who was eating like a newborn piglet. Randall spared him a reviled glance.
"Randall!" Fungus said, "I thought you weren't gonna come!"
"Me neither," Randall scowled.
"Nice of you to keep in the spirit of it,"
"What?" Randall observed Fungus, who looked like he was trying to disguise an amused laugh. Then he remembered the reindeer outfit; "I couldn't get the stupid thing off," he said with a tortured grimace.
"Looks like you made the effort though," Fungus winked at him, "Nobody else bothered to look so festive."
"Nor so moronic," Randall added, feeling perfectly miserable.
He glanced about the table with disinterest, before noticing they were sat opposite general adversaries; Sullivan, Wazowski and girlfriend Celia. He obliged in offering all three of them his best venomous stares.
"C'mon, it's not so bad," Fungus said, "You know, with the costume, you could just have the edge when it comes to the Christmas bonus,"
"Christmas bonus?" Randall stared, "this Christmas Bonus had better be something pretty special, Fungus,"
It was at that moment he noticed the Christmas cake placed in the centre of the table. "Eurgh. I think I might be sick."
"You've not eaten yet." Fungus was too busily munching on his own food to look all that concerned.
"Well I'm not hungry," Randall decided. He watched as George reached a paw over him to grab a piece of cake. The monster then proceeded in wolfing down the slice in one single gulp.
It was more than enough to put Randall off any lingering appetite he had left.
"Fungus," he turned a distressed gaze to his Scare assistant.
"Mm?" Fungus spoke through a mouthful of food.
"I'm wearing a reindeer suit,"
"Mm, I know,"
"I'm wearing a reindeer suit. I'm at a party with the guys I hate the most, I'm watching some kind of pig eat cake and I want to be sick. Did i mention I'm wearing a reindeer suit?"
"Yes, twice," Fungus nodded helpfully. "Mm, you should really try this Randall. It's really good!"
"Can't I go home now?" Randall moaned instead. "I turned up. That's enough, right?"
Fungus looked vaguely sympathetic; "Come on, just a couple of hours, then you can go,"
Randall was about to respond when a hearty laugh cut across the table, and everyone turned to see Mr Waternoose. He looked odd in a smart dinner suit, combined with one of Celia's ever popular santa hats. Randall almost wanted to laugh.
"Welcome, everyone!" Waternoose beamed around at them, small eyes wandering about the table, "So glad you could all make the Christmas party! And so nice to see so many faces," his gaze came to rest on Randall, and his grin stretched; "Randall! It's great to see you get into the spirit of it all! What a wonderful outfit!"
A chorus of sniggers sounded from around the table, and Randall opened his mouth to protest, but instead felt himself blush faintly.
"Yep, Randall really loves Christmas, sir!" Fungus said, a little too loudly.
Randall smiled weakly at Waternoose and then willed the earth to swallow him up.
So focussed on willing the earth to swallow him up, Randall almost didn't hear the tail end of Waternooses speech;
"...and punch! Punch for everyone!" Waternoose lifted a very large basin filled with ruby red liquid and set it upon the table.
For the first time that day, Randall was genuinely elated.
"Punch! I'll have punch!" he said at once, causing a few monsters to turn and offer him quizzical looks.
Randall wasn't deterred. He stood up, and scooped a cupful of the drink greedily into a cup. He gulped it down in one. Almost as satisfying as morning coffee, he decided.
"Hey, don't get too punch-happy," Fungus warned meekly.
"Or what, dork?" Randall poked the other monster.
"Or..." Fungus looked ponderous for a moment, but then, watching as Randall gulped down a second helping, he just sighed and looked a bit despairing.
&&
"He's definitely drunk. He's eating cake, and he hates cake," Fungus told Celia in a matter of fact sort of way.
"He's doing more than that," Mike said in a low voice. "He's plotting our downfall, mark my words."
Sulley blinked at him; "Mike. He's eating Christmas cake."
"Evil. Pure evil,"
"Eating cake?"
"That's where it starts, Sul," Mike looked conspirative. He gripped his punch drink tight, as though to guard himself. "You'll see. First it's eating cake. Then it's plotting our downfall."
"Uh-huh. Right." Sulley gave Mike a concerned look, then he followed the other monsters gaze to Randall; who looked a bit ridiculous, dressed in the reindeer costume, lapping up a mix of white icing and punch from his plate. "I think he's just got a bit too punch-happy, Mike."
"Yeah, ready to punch us in the back happy," Mike said ferociously.
"Mike!" Celia scowled, nudging him in the side. "Behave, won't you? It's Christmas."
"Sorry, Schmoopsie Poo." Mike looked apologetic, then whispered to Sulley; "Look, he's wearing that reindeer outfit to get brownie points off Waternoose, I know it!"
"So?"
"So...you need to get your outfit too!"
"No, Mike." Sulley edged slightly away from the other monster. "I don't really want to do that-"
"But Sulley!" Mike jabbed him in the side.
"What, Mike?"
"Look, look. He's putting his evil plan into action,"
Sulley watched as Randall dipped a spoon into a bowl of jelly and licked it all up indulgently.
"Yeah. His evil is truly diabolical, Mike," Sulley turned away and was greeted with the deadpan face of Roz. "Oh, uh. Hi Roz."
"Hello, Sullivan." she said and began helping herself to a slice of cake. Sulley watched her with some bewilderment for a moment or two, before turning back to look at Mike.
"See, see...he's putting the second part of his plan into motion now," Mike pointed.
Sulley watched as Randall slumped heavily on the table, and lazily began licking cake icing off his fingers.
Sulley rolled his eyes, and noticed Roz was still there, and she was staring at him with some intensity.
"Cake?" Sulley offered.
&&&
"I thought you didn't like cake?" Fungus was looking at Randall with concern.
"I don't. But when I drank punch I thought I could face my fears." Randall was bent over the table, decidedly sick. His scales had turned a greenish colour.
"You had too much punch," Fungus said like a disappointed mother.
"Uh-huh," Randall nodded and looked pitiful. "I think I need to go do something secret," he staggered up from the table, and made a clumsy journey towards the toilets.
Unfortunately for Randall, who's head was spinning and gut was churning, and whose main objective was to reach the toilet in time before he threw up, Sulley was lumbering toward him with some intent.
"Oh, Randall!!" the big fur rug said with a little too much enthusiasm. "So good to see you!" he slapped a paw round the lizard monsters back.
Randall staggered with the contact, and wasn't sure how much longer he could save his stomach. He tilted his head at Sulley and tried to look suspicious.
"Are you feeling alright, Sullivan?"
Sulley grinned with some terror; "oh me? Fine, fine,"
Randall looked at his with a bit of concern. "Well, er, ok. I have to go now, so-"
"-The bathroom! We must go to the bathroom! It's important!" Sulley interrupted in a strange voice.
He tugged Randall by the cotton of his antlers, and waved around at a few nearby monsters, "Be back soon!"
"Wh...where are we going!?" Randall demanded, as Sulley rushed them through the crowds, "Hey-hey-stop!"
Sulley stopped, but looked around with darting and terrified eyes.
"Can you please tell me what the hell is wrong with you?" Randall asked, hands on hips.
"I'm sorry...it...it's Roz..." Sulley stammered, still looking all about them.
"Roz? What about her?"
"She's here," Sulley lowered his voice, "I just saw her, I'm pretty sure-"
"well of course she's here, Sullivan. This is a stupid work thing. She works with us, therefore she will be here. Makes sense, right?"
"No, I mean, she's around here. Right now. I just saw her."
"So?"
Sulley cleared his throat, then looked abashed. "She's...she's being all weird and...and....clingy."
"Clingy?" Randall repeated.
"I had to get away from her. She tried to hand feed me mince pies!"
Randall suddenly felt a little better. A grin of realisation crept onto his face. "Oh I see." he said slowly. "Sullivans got a girlfriend!"
"What? No, no! It's nothing like that!" Sulley looked horrified, "I mean, I don't like her that way..."
"Then you gotta tell her," Randall turned away. "Not my problem, Sullivan,"
"Wait, where are you going?" Sulley asked, still sounding hopeless.
"The toilet,"
"What for?"
"Er, the usual?" Randall frowned. "Plus I might have to be sick. Cake and punch don't mix,"
"Toilet!" Sulley mostly yelled his elation. "Exactly, the toilet!"
"That's right, Sullivan. Toilet." Randall spoke slowly, as though he might be talking to a very stupid person.
"I can hide all night in the toilet! Roz can't find me there!"
"You could do that," Randall nodded, "or you could try being normal, and tell her you don't like her?" He stalked into the toilets, and Sulley jogged enthusiastically behind.
"No, this plan will work fine." Sulley said. "Just gotta be sure nobody tells her where I am." he walked up and down the cubicles at a rather fast pace. Randall watched him with some disbelief.
"You should probably hide in one of the cubicles," he suggested, "Just in case."
"In case what?" Sulley was alarmed.
"In case she comes in here, of course,"
"Oh, right," Sulley nodded and then dashed into a vacant cubicle, slamming the door behind him, "How's this? Do you think she'll see me?"
"Nah.. You're pretty much covered," Randall said, noticing the two furry feet peeking out from under the door with a grin. "Just stay there and don't say anything all night,"
"Right,"
Randall's grin extended a bit. This was perfect. With no Sullivan around, Waternoose would assume the great fur rug had gone home early, and then that Christmas bonus was all his.
Suddenly he didn't feel all the sick anymore.
&
"Hey! What have you done to Sulley?"
"What? Nothing, you stupid eyeball." Randall dumped himself at table and proceeded in knocking back another cup of punch. Fungus raised a hand in protest, but Randall ignored him.
"You've done something to him!" Mike looked angry, "You've stashed him in the toilets somewhere so that you can win the bonus!"
"Pretty close, Wazowski." Randall was somewhat impressed. "Actually, he's just hiding in the toilets to avoid Roz."
"Huh?" Mike blinked.
"Aw, that's cute." Celia smiled. "Sulley has an admirer."
"Cute?" Randall scoffed. "Can you imagine the kids they'd have? They'd be mutant, furry slug things," he pulled a face.
"Well I think it's nice," Celia glared. "you're just jealous, Randall,"
"Not true," Randall batted away the idea, "I could have plenty of admirers if I wanted them,"
"Like?" Celia probed.
"Me, for a start. I like me,"
"You can't count yourself!" Celia looked incredulous.
"Ok then," Randall pondered for a short moment, "Er. You like me,"
"In your dreams!" Celia threw an empty cup at the lizard monster; bonking him on the head.
"Ow," Randall smirked at her, "hey, thanks for that!"
He scooped the cup into the punch bowl at the same moment as Mike, clunking their cups together. Randall locked eyes with Mike, and felt like he might be on a winning streak. He grinned.
He'd conquered his fear of cake, and he was pulling off a reindeer outfit and Sulley was cowering in the toilets.
Anything was possible!
"Say, Wazowski, how about a little contest?"
"A what?" Mike raised his brow.
"You heard me," his grin broadening, Randall dipped his cup in the punch and filled it to the top. "The monster who can drink the most punch is...the best monster, ever!"
"Randall I don't think that's a good idea-" Fungus started.
"Ssh, you can be the referee!" Randall told him.
Mike narrowed his eye; "Yeah, alright. I'm game,"
"I don't like this idea, either," Celia frowned at him. "Michael..."
"It'll be fine schmoopsie poo...you know I can handle my drink,"
"Really?" Randall laughed a little, "we'll see about that,"
And before either Fungus or Celia could protest otherwise, there was bright red liquid gushing all about the table and frenzied monsters trying to capture it into their mouths.
&&&
Eventually Sulley decided to emerge from the toilets.
The decision was mostly made for him when a staggering George opened the cubicle and looking peaky and ready to do something nasty.
Narrowly dodging the nastiness, Sulley slipped out the toilets and made a bizarre crouching journey back to his table.
He was greeted by a delighted Celia, and she was supporting a badly staggering Mike in one arm, and holding a very large, plushie teddy bear in the other.
"Uh, is everything alright?" Sulley ventured, not sure whether he wanted to know.
"Everything's wonderful!" Celia beamed, "Look what Mike got me for Christmas!" she waved the teddy bear before him.,"Isn't he adorable?"
"Um, yeah," Sulley scratched his head, noticing Mike's clueless expression.
"Mr Waternoose gave it to me." Celia explained. "I think Mike was trying to be romantic and make it look anonymous, but I knew it was from him," she gave Mike a gushing kiss on the cheek. "My little googly bear!"
Mike hiccuped; "Don't mention it, poopsie-smoo,"
"Oh. Too much punch, huh?"
"You could say that." Celia's face flashed into severity, "Him and Randall thought they were being clever playing a drinking game." she turned to Mike, "You're off home, mister. Right now."
"Just a sec, Schmoopy-doo," Mike staggered, and then grabbed a hold of Sulley, "Just gotta say bye to the big guy,"
When Celia was out of sight, Mike leant shadily in to Sulley; "Hey, Sul, I didn't actually buy her that bear,"
Sulley raised his brow, and pretended to be surprised. "Really?"
"Yeah, but sshh, don't say anything. I think I'm onto a winner. With the bear, I mean."
"What did you actually buy her?"
Mike looked about him suspiciously and then whispered; "A new hairbrush."
Sully pulled a face. "I'd stick with the bear,"
"Thought as much!" Mike grinned. "Seeya, Sul!" he stumbled about for a little while, before finding Celia at the exit.
Sulley looked around and for the first time noticed Randall slumped nearby, and he was snoozing quite deeply.
"Wow, what did I miss?" Sulley noticed the large, empty punch basin sat before him. He hesitated, then gave Randall a gentle poke in the side. "Hey? You awake?"
Slowly, Randall lifted his head, blinking through glazed eyes. "Huh?"
"You're awake," Sulley observed.
"Are you Sullivan?" Randall wondered.
"Er, last time I checked."
"Oh." Randall spluttered, then attempted to compose himself.
He straightened up in his seat and struggled to focus. "I'm not drunk. I'm totally sober." he said with insistence. It wasn't very convincing.
"If you say so." Sulley nodded along anyway. "Hey, er, have you seen Roz anywhere?"
"Roz?" Randall looked about with some concentration, then he began to laugh quite loudly. "Oh yeah, your new girlfriend!"
"What..no!" Sulley blinked about, and then his worst nightmare came into sight.
Roz was snaking towards him; at an incredibly slow but deliberate gait. It didn't matter. She was coming towards him. "Now look, she's spotted me!"
"Huh?" Randall snapped his head round to look at her. "Oh. Sorry," he said, not sounding sorry at all.
"Thanks a lot."
"No, I have an idea!" Randall brightened, straightening from his slouched position. "We can hide!"
"Hide?"
"Under here!"" Randall peered under the table excitedly.
"Hey, that's actually a good idea." Sulley bent down and crawled under the table until he was completely hidden under it's long, draping cloth.
"What're you talkin' about? My ideas are always great," Randall said. Then he lay back down against the table.
"Er, Randall. Aren't you going to hide?" Sulley whispered.
"Sure. I'll just camouflage,"
Sulley peered from under the tablecloth and glanced at Randall.
The lizard monster had not camouflaged at all. Discounting the fact that he was still wearing the tatty and worse for wear reindeer costume, he was now also coloured a flourescent pink with green spots.
"Randall! That's not camouflage! You need to be invisible!"
Randall glared down at him. "Don't tell me how to colour myself!"
Sulley slapped a hand against his head. A drunk Randall was definitely not a very helpful one. Ahead, Roz had almost reached them. Sulley ducked back out of sight.
"That stupid Christmas bonus sure wasn't worth all this bother," he muttered as he began to crawl away. Peering from under the table clothe, he noticed a rather frantic Fungus rushing about.
"Oh, Sulley!"
"Ssh! You haven't seen me, ok?"
"Um. Ok. Have you seen Randall?"
Sulley jerked his thumb behind him. "Back there. But please don't let on you saw me."
Fungus spared his a curious look, before noticing Randall at the end of the table with some relief.
Roz was sat by the lizard monster, apparently talking to him about something. Randall was occasionally nodding his head in agreement. He looked pretty wasted.
Cautiously, Fungus seated himself next to him.
"Uh, can I have a word?" he asked.
Randall turned a bit too quickly, and almost fell off his chair. Fungus caught him by the arm.
"Don't sneak up like that!"
"Sorry," Fungus said. "Erm. Why are you pink and green?"
"I'm invisible!" Randall corrected. "So that she doesn't see me."
Fungus peered over at Roz, raising an eyebrow. He gave her a little wave, and she waved slowly back.
"Why don't you want her to see you?" Fungus asked.
"Because Sullivan's hiding. Under this table."
Roz seemed to perk up before them, and the she slid away, her beady eyes scouring the table clothe.
Fungus rolled his eyes, "Didn't I warn you about too much punch,"
"You did not!" Randall cried, "And don't interrupt my private conversation,"
Fungus didn't think there was much point in telling Randall Roz had left. He changed tact, and then shifted in his chair."Er, I need to tell you something. Something you probably won't like,"
"What?" Randall opened an eye, but didn't bother to raise his head. "Will it make me want to do horrible things to your Scare Record files?"
Fungus paused, as though to mull over the notion. "Er, yes. Probably."
"Oh," Randall groaned, "Is it the cake? Did I get it all over the reindeer suit? I know it's a rental, but-"
"Um, no, not that. It's about the Christmas bonus,"
"What about it?"
Fungus hesitated, "Well, the thing about the Christmas bonus is, well...that's just it...there being...that there is actually...I mean to say..."
"-to the point, Fungus." Randall yawned groggily.
"Well," Fungus said. "The bonus. It was a teddy bear.
A strained silence hung in the air. Randall looked blank.
"What?"
Fungus's face was frozen into a nervous grin; "See, the thing is, I thought maybe the bonus was money. But turns out, Waternoose was giving away a big teddy bear!" he chuckled weakly. "Isn't that funny?"
His nervous laughter dissolved when Randall lifted his head, offering him a sombre stare.
"So you're sayin'..." he spoke slowly, "I dressed up in a reindeer suit, I went to a lousy party, I got sick on punch, I got into a conversation with Roz about...weird things...for a teddy bear?"
Fungus squirmed and cleared his throat;
"Actually, Celia won it. She got the teddy bear," he paused, "But, you know, if it was me, I'd give you the teddy bear. I mean, you pulled off the reindeer look real well, and the santa hat really set off your eye-"
"-Fungus!"
"Y-yes, Randall?"
"Fetch me your files. Then fetch me the shredder,"
Fungus grinned weakly and patted Randall on the head. "And a happy Christmas to you, too."
-End-
credit: "I think I need to go do something secret." -a Cat quote taken from Red Dwarf :3
Notes: I don't endorse lots of alcohol consumption; Randall is just a very naughty lizard monster XD