Barbie awoke the morning after her divorce feeling better than ever. Why shouldn't she, with a grand total of half of Ken's possessions, a whopping great pension lined up for her and collective custody of both the Malibu dream house and her sporty red convertible? Smiling to herself, she hauled herself out of bed and opened the luscious pink curtains, letting the morning sunshine flood her bedroom.
Heading out of the bedroom and into the bathroom, she slipped out of the pink, silk pajamas she'd worn the night before. She glimpsed herself in the mirror a moment and a fleeting thought went through her head: "I am perfect."
A picture of complete beauty; at 7"2, 123 lbs, perfect 30 inch hips and- just between you and me- a 40 inch bust, Barbie stood as a role model to young people everywhere, and not just girls. As a Ballerina, Circus Star, Fashion Model, Movie Producer, Movie Star, Rock Star, Radio City Music Hall Rockette, Gymnast Instructor, Olympic Gymnast, Olympic figure skater, Professional Figure Skater, Tennis Star, WNBA basketball player, Art Teacher, Spanish Teacher, Sign Language Teacher, Teacher, Dentist, Medical Doctor, Nurse, Pediatrician, Surgeon, Veterinarian, United States Army Officer, Air Force, Thunderbird, Marine Corp Officer, Navy officer, Presedential canditate, Ambassador for World Peace, Firefighter, Police Officer, Canadian Mountie, Astronaught, Flight Attendent, NASCAR driver, Pilot, Chef, Paleontologist and the President of the United States all rolled into one, Barbie had a pretty important day mapped out for her.
Stepping into the shower, Barbie turned on the water to max, letting out a squeal as the insanely hot water hit her body and instantly scalded it. She wasn't too smart. Putting it out of her mind, she turned her thoughts to something more attentive- the outfit she was to wear today.
Two and a half hours later, after she'd found her way out of the bathroom, Barbie stood in front of her closet, which, if counted correctly, rivaled the size of a small African city. Pulling it open, she grasped for her ballerina outfit. Pushing aside her bondage gear and her prom dress, she felt the tutu graze the back of her hand; it's rough material instantly ripping through her skin. She screamed for another hour and then pulled it out of the closet. Pulling it on, she did a triple-Lutz in her bedroom and crashed through the big bay window by accident when she tripped over a pair of her shoes, which had somehow come loose from the fourteen thousand other pairs in her closet.
Screaming and flailing, Barbie felt the shards of glass bounce off her plastic brassiere as she tumbled down towards the hot pavement of her driveway, eventually settling for smashing in the hood of her corvette.
Lying smashed against the hot metal of the corvette, Barbie's breathing came fast and ragged. "I... I hope my transmission isn't fucked..." she thought briefly as she got up. She surveyed the damage with an increasing sense of panic, the dread flooding into her like hot plastic being poured into a doll mould. A moment later it disappeared to be replaced with an expression of contentment as she realized: she didn't know what the fuck a transmission was.
Laughing contently, Barbie pulled her cellphone out of her ass and dialed her friend Colored Francie.
"YO, DIS BE COLORED FRANCIE, WHAT YO' CRACKA ASS WANT!" Colored Francie's voice ripped through the phone so loudly that Barbie literally had to hold the phone a few inches away from her ear.
"Francie? It's Barbie. I smashed in the hood to my cor-"
"LISTEN UP YOU LITTLE CRACKA, YO' BETTER HAVE A DAMN GOOD EXPLANATION FO' CALLING, DIS NIGGA BE EATIN' SOME FRIED CHICKEN WHEN YO' WHITE ASS CALLED, DIS NIGGA LOVE THE FUCKIN' COLONEL, HE FUCKIN GETS THIS NIGGA'S CROTCH GOIN' LIKE CRAZY. NIGGA." Francie shouted through the phone, and Barbie could hear her mouth full of chicken as she spoke.
"Yeah, it's Barbie. I need a ride to ballet, and I accidentally smashed the front end of my corvette again."
"Cracka, yo' bin fiddlin' with dat fuckin' transmission again, nigga?" Francie asked.
"No, ballet."
"Fuck."
"Yeah."
"Fuck dis shit, I'll be there to give yo' cracka ass a ride."
"Thanks, Francie."
"Fuck yo' momma."
So two hours, many racial slurs and a near collision with a dump truck later, Barbie was outside her ballet place, feeling better than ever, probably due to the two pounds of pure dope Francie had smoked behind the wheel.
"Thanks, Francie. I'll see you later," Barbie said, shutting the door behind her.
"FUCK YO' MOMMA, IT'S THE FUCKIN' POPO!" She screamed, burning rubber out of the parking lot as thirty or forty cop cars came screeching out behind her. Barbie heard one cop shout through a megaphone, "PULL OVER, YOUR LEFT TAILLIGHT IS OUT!" and then Francie's screamed reply, "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
Within a few seconds, it was all over. Colored Francie smashed through the barrier to the Lincoln Bridge and went for a daring escape over the border. She would have made it, too, had the bridge not been half-completed. With a cry of, "NIGGA!" she hit the water, followed by the thirty or so police cars that came screeching out after her.
Barbie stepped into the ballet school and immediately noticed something was wrong. Number one, all her students were gone. And B, all her students weren't in the building. Shrugging, she began practicing ballet. By the time she was finished, she'd wrecked a large mirror, two trophies, ripped off wallpaper and somehow destroyed the museum curator's urn, which held the remains of his grandmother. Barbie found this very strange because the museum was a good two blocks over. When her ballet instructor came back, she was furious.
"YOU RUINED THE BALLET SCHOOL!" Mrs. Humpleshniggens yelled.
"I didn't mean to."
"YOU'RE A FUNKING LUNATIC!" Mrs. Humpleshniggens yelled.
"I'm sorry."
"YOU'RE FIRED!" Mrs. Humpleshniggens said quietly.
So Barbie headed away from the ballet school sadly, pausing only to change into her clown costume; she may be down, but she wasn't out yet. Hurrying over to the circus, it was almost time for her daring high-wire act. After all, she was still a Circus Star, not to mention a Fashion Model, Movie Producer, Movie Star, Rock Star, Radio City Music Hall Rockette, Gymnast Instructor, Olympic Gymnast, Olympic figure skater, Professional Figure Skater, Tennis Star, WNBA basketball player, Art Teacher, Spanish Teacher, Sign Language Teacher, Teacher, Dentist, Medical Doctor, Nurse, Pediatrician, Surgeon, Veterinarian, United States Army Officer, Air Force, Thunderbird, Marine Corp Officer, Navy officer, Presedential canditate, Ambassador for World Peace, Firefighter, Police Officer, Canadian Mountie, Astronaught, Flight Attendant, NASCAR driver, Pilot, Chef, Paleontologist and the President of the United States.
Barbie climbed the high-rise, waving at all of her adorning fans. She reached the top and grasped her unicycle carefully. Getting on it, she balanced over the high wire and pulled out several butcher knives, flaming bowling pins and a small woodland creature and began juggling.
The act was going great until she got a wedgie. It totally threw her off her game and she slipped; the butcher knives impaled the small woodland creature, which then caught on fire from the flaming bowling pins. It fell from the high-rise and landed in an extremely ill placed barrel of dynamite powder.
The explosion that followed was probably seen all the way in Canada. Barbie was hurled into the air, screaming and flailing again. As the circus tent, the people inside and everything in a two-mile radius was instantly vaporized, Barbie was saved by the intensive amount of hairspray in her hair, which acted as a heat shield that protected her from the fiery heat. Squealing like an oiled pig, Barbie came crashing down right on the runway of her Fashion Model show. Dazed, confused and smelling of fire and coals, she had no choice but to strut the runway in her charred clown suit.
The show didn't last; before long, people watching and even members of the press were hurling rocks, bagels and an assortment of small things at Barbie. As she was being dragged off stage by security, she caught a glimpse of her own mother waving a "BARBIE SWALLOWS" flag in the air.
Tired, hungry and cut down on her pride, Barbie dragged herself through the next two hours, in which the movie she was producing went totally awry when a team of Martians devoured everything in sight. Barbie only survived by hauling the mutilated carcass of Tom Cruise over her and making a mad dash for the exit. Unfortunately, since she was also starring in said movie, that career was also finished as she threw Mr. Cruise off her and onto the sidewalk in front of a team of now-scarred-for-life Girl Guides.
***
As she walked down the sidewalk, a car suddenly screeched to the sidewalk next to her and the doors opened and out flooded fifty-two of Barbie's sisters, all brandishing microphones. "Barbie! You're late for your Rock Show!" One of them cried out, and Barbie nearly screamed; she couldn't miss playing with her band, Barbie and the Beats! Climbing into the car, she and her sisters burned rubber on their way to the concert.
Barbie had no time to change, so she was forced to go onstage in her current outfit: a bloodied director's suit covered in bits of Mr. Cruise. As she flooded out onstage, she was instantly bathed in more blood as a team of animal rights protestors threw buckets of blood onto her before realizing they were at the wrong show.
"YOU'RE ALL FUCKING RETARDED!" Barbie screamed at them. A hush fell over the audience; startled gasps and angry cries rose up. Barbie looked up and saw a big banner that read:
"THE SHADY OAKS MENTAL HOME FOR CHILDREN MENTALLY SCARRED THANKS BARBIE FOR HER CONCERT IN WHICH ALL PROCEEDS GO TO HELPING CHILDREN THAT HAVE MENTAL DISABILITIES"
She barely got out, "Shit," before she was running screaming offstage, pitching herself over the mosh pit and towards her tour bus. Climbing into it, she activated the rocket-powered thrusters and took off towards the middle of town.
Barbie screeched through town, her hair flying out wildly behind her as she drove. Her horrified screams echoed through the town of Malibu as she smashed into old ladies and even ran over Hans Moleman. "I'M GAY FOR YOU!" She screamed, rolling over him with her twelve tires. He cried and broke his glasses as suddenly the van ran out of gas.
Barbie came to a crashing stop right in front of Radio City. The airbag neglected to inflate in time and she crashed through the windshield, flying forward and straight through another window and landed in a weeping heap on the top of the president of the studio, who was unfortunately giving a presentation of how safe the City's windows were to a huge group of press and stockholders. For a moment there was complete silence in which you could hear the City's- and Barbie's- stocks plummeting.
Barbie ran screaming from Radio City, the president hot on her heels and brandishing a rusty chainsaw that he somehow took from the City's safe house. By the time she heard the sounds of the motor dying away and the curses of the president fade into the distance, she realized she was, coincidentally, right outside her gymnast class, which was starting in a matter of moments!
Running inside, Barbie quickly changed into her gymnast outfit, straightened up her hair and makeup and stepped into her class.
"Good morning." She called out. Her students looked back at her, blank looks on their faces.
"I said, good morning." Barbie snarled, and the class repeated it.
"Good. Since you are my beginner class, we're going to start with something simple- somersaults on the balance beam to a perfect one-hundred-eighty degree twist and the perfect landing." Barbie said, jumping onto the balance beam and executing the move.
Unfortunately for her, there was a run in her stockings that caught on a metal part of the beam, and just as she began jumping it caught and pulled her down; she hit the balance beam hard on one end and it flipped completely off it's axis, flying through the air and knocking over her students, a deaf woman and eventually impaling itself in the side of Aerosmith's tour bus. Naturally miffed, Aerosmith brandished guitars and beat Barbie's students senseless, thinking that it had been one of them that had started the accident. During the commotion, Barbie snuck out the back door and locked it behind her. The pounding of her crying students on the locked door as Aerosmith beat them with rock, bass and electric guitars ringing in her ears, Barbie hailed a taxi and quickly consulted her palm pilot for a second and said to the cabbie, "Yo holmes, to Bel Air! I mean, take me to the Olympics! Now!"
The taxi screeched outside the gigantic dome a few minutes later, and Barbie hurled a load of spare change in the cabbie's face as she ran out the door. She could hear the man scream as a penny embedded itself in his right nostril for about ten minutes as she changed into her Olympic Gymnast outfit.
She ran out onto the performance floor to the deafening roar of thousands upon thousands of people and pretzel vendors. Smiling to herself, she climbed atop her performance beam and began doing her act. She was doing excellently; the judges themselves were really impressed. Just as she thought she was beginning to have a change in luck, and perhaps she'd be able to have a good day after all, the doors to the Olympic stadium burst open and a large giant roared into the stadium, smashing apart the stands and roaring at the top of it's lungs. Ropes hung around its neck and it was wearing an extremely dirty pair of ripped shorts on its grayish skin. It looked at Barbie once before roaring in her face, spraying her with giant spit, which everyone knows is the worst kind of spit. Screaming like a banshee, Barbie dropped off the balance beam and hit the ground. Luckily, she landed on her head and was unharmed.
A blonde man in a brown leather bomber's jacket and brandishing a .9mm pistol kicked open the doors and ran inside. Her fired a few rounds in the direction of the giant, which roared with pain and turned towards him. Barbie stood, completely frozen by fear. The blonde man fired a few more rounds, and then did a quick back-handspring to avoid the giant's swinging fists. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR? RUN, YOU STUPID DITZ, RUN!" The man shouted in her direction. Barbie screamed again and started running pell-mell towards the doors. Unfortunately, all her squealing and shouting attracted the attention of the giant, who turned and threw a tree trunk at her.
"DROP!" The blonde guy shouted to Barbie, who suddenly tripped over a discarded gymnast shoe and narrowly avoided decapitation by the tree trunk, which smashed through the wall of the stadium and killed Patches and Poor Violet, who were trying to get some money for medication outside the Olympic stadium. Barbie heroically did nothing to help the blonde man, although she did see him get grabbed by the giant as she cowardly fled from the stadium.
Running as fast as she could, Barbie slammed through the doors of the first building she came to, which happened to be a good thing because it happened to be the Wimbledon tournament. Barbie's personal trainer, Francesco, came out of a dressing room to her left and practically squealed. "Oh, sugar, THERE you are! Honey, we have been waiting for, like, HOURS. Come on sugar lips, you've got to go get dressed for your big tennis match against Serena and Venus Williams, you silly goose!" Francesco said, shoving her inside her dressing room and slamming the door.
Barbie stood in front of the full-length mirror, shaking. Deciding that her luck couldn't get any worse, she pulled on her tennis uniform and grabbed her racket. She then reached into her purse and pulled out two pills. A few minutes and a glass of water later and she was back to her old peppy self, completely forgetting about the giant attack and the several near-death experiences she had undergone in the last few hours.
Walking out onto the tennis court, Barbie raised her racket in greeting and ran around the edge of the court. Unfortunately, as she passed the royal throne she smacked Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth right in the face, knocking off her monocle. The whole world stopped as it fell in slow motion to the ground and shattered. A cry of "Mamma Mia!" came from halfway up in the stands and Barbie saw, out of the corner of her eye, a man in blue overalls and a red shirt jump into a pipe and disappear from view.
Barbie sent a terrified glance towards the Queen, who looked furious. "That was my FOURTH monocle today, you little SLUT!" She yelled, brandishing a machine gun and pointing it at Barbie. Yelling with fright, Barbie pitched herself behind a rather fat man as Elizabeth pulled the trigger. The ra-ta-ta-ta-ta of the machine gun filled the court along with yells and screams of show-watchers as they tried to flee. As bodies dropped all around her, Barbie grabbed for the spare grenade in her bra and waited until she heard the telltale click-click of an empty clip.
As soon as it came, she rolled out from behind the dead fat man and ripped the pin off the grenade. "SEE YOU IN HELL, YOUR MAJESTY!" Barbie screamed, throwing the grenade straight into the royal throne and watching as it landed between Elizabeth's feet, who was in the process of shoving another clip into her machine gun. A startled look passed her withered face as she was blasted hundreds of feet into the air, her crown flying off and whizzing across the stadium to decapitate Rosie O'Donnell, who had returned from the snack bar, clutching fifteen hotdogs, three nacho grandes and a diet coke.
One of the hotdogs flew out of her hand as she dropped, and Barbie realized that the snack bar vendor was actually a crazy lady obsessed with owning cats and saw, for a split second, that the writing on the hotdog was labeled, "Cat Litter Container."
Barbie screamed again and threw herself towards the exit of the stadium, leaping over dead citizens and narrowly avoiding Elizabeth's arm as it came crashing back to earth. Running out towards the exit, she was forced to stab Francesco in the shoulder with her hairpin as he looked out of the dressing room. To Barbie, he was just another obstacle between her and freedom. Barbie smashed open the doors of Wimbledon's arena and threw herself behind a row of bushes as the Cat Litter Container blew up in a gigantic explosion that tore through Wimbledon like a knife through tinfoil.
Bits of people, charred metal and fire screamed above her in the sky as debris rained all around Barbie. As the last few pieces rained to Earth, she sat up. "No... Why, God, why! What the hell did I do to deserve this! WHY!" She sobbed, looking down at her left palm, discovering she had broken a nail.
It took half an hour of sobbing and breathing into a paper bag to calm her down, but eventually she felt well enough to continue on her day. She'd survived so far by her luck and intuition, and heck; she couldn't get fired from ALL her jobs in one day! Nobody was that inept, hopeless and utterly stupid!
Thinking nothing of it, she hailed another taxi and headed off towards the basketball courts, where she had a WNBA game to attend. A few minutes later, once again, the taxi screeched to a stop outside the place and Barbie gave the cabbie, Ray Romano, a ten-dollar bill. Before he could remark that the fare was actually fifteen dollars, Barbie had run inside the building.