A/N: Hey all! This is the new version of Trials and Tribulations! I was about half way through my old story and I realized I just wasn't happy with it anymore. I thank you for being awesome readers and reading the old version, but I think this one is going to be better! It's taking me a lot longer to write it, but the chapters are about twice as long and I'm putting my heart and soul into this. I really hope you all enjoy!
Disclaimer: if you read anything in this story that was in the original books, that belongs to Susanne Collins, but I did happen to put my own ideas in here, so please don't steal them.
REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW!
-X-
Her long fingers clutched the arms of the chair. The satin cushion underneath her was comfortable, but that was the only comfort she felt. Peeta's eyes looked straight ahead as he avoided her gaze. She sneaked a peek at his face through the corner of her eye; he was tense and angry. Very angry. She could see the confliction in his eyes. She knew what he was thinking. He wanted to hate her, but he couldn't, which made it even harder on her. She wanted him to hate her, he should hate her, but he couldn't, and it killed them both.
Peeta's voice was clear and void of all emotion as he kept looking ahead of him. He didn't say her name which kept the conversation very impersonal. "I will act for the cameras, because that's what will keep us alive, but I will not act in front of my family and neither should you."
"Peeta," it came out as more of a haggard whisper than a response, but his face didn't change to the plea. He sat still in the chair beside her staring at the wall. When she spoke his name his hand became a fist then loosened so quickly she almost didn't see it. She kept her eyes on his face for a minute, but all hope was soon drained from her being and she began to feel cold again. She sucked in a deep breath and looked out the window beside her. She watched the rushing scenery go by.
She thought of how excited Prim would be to see her. She thought about how her mother might be emotionally present for both of them. She thought of Gale and how he'd help her adjust back to a normal life, but that was the problem, she could never go back to normal. Every time she thought of something she missed or was excited to see back in 12, Peeta popped back into her mind. She was tempted several times to look over at him; she couldn't get herself to do it. She couldn't face the fact that she was the one that made his smile fade, made his eyes lose their luster, and made his heart break. She couldn't bear to remember the moment she told him it was an act and that what she felt for him in the games wasn't real. He saved her from starving to death and she saved him in the games. She broke his heart, and he was beginning to break her.
Katniss and Peeta both turned their heads towards the door of the cabin as it opened unexpectedly. Haymitch strode confidently through the door with a smirk plastered on his face. He was cleanly shaven with a pristine suit on without one wrinkle; a deed only Effie could have accomplished.
"Five minutes till show time," with each word his smirk lost its luster, "get ready and meet me at the door."
Once Haymitch left, the cabin was once again filled with an uncomfortable silence. After a minute of sitting awkwardly at each other's side, Peeta stood slowly, with a little wobble on his prosthetic leg; however, once he was on his feet he was as confident as ever. He pulled his jacket forward and smoothed it out and gave his forest green silk tie a tug. He stepped to the side, looked at Katniss and gestured for her to go before him.
"After you," he said politely.
Her heart dropped to her stomach and it broke a little more. She was certain he wasn't causing her pain on purpose, but it would have been much easier to handle if he was. She rose slowly and looked into his eyes and they were their normal blue color, but lacked the normal shine to them, their normal brightness. The anger on his face was gone, but she knew that was only for the cameras. His fair skin was still a little pink, but he was looking more himself. Her gaze dropped to the ground; suddenly embarrassed of the long gawk into his eyes. She saw the metal shine of his new leg. His pant leg was caught in one of the hinges, making the cloth a little too short. His eyes followed hers and he quickly pulled the cloth out of the hinge, then he stood straight and confident again.
"Thank you," she said in a soft voice that was barely audible.
"For what?" his eyes flickered to hers, but then he looked past her and out the window, he was still too hurt and embarrassed to look her in the face. He was a fool that had fallen too hard and trusted too much; a naïve child that believed in a happy ever after.
"For saving me," she clarified in a slightly irritated voice.
"Well," he said simply. His eyes returned to hers and she saw a little bit of fire in him, a spark of anger was back. "Looks like you owe me again, since you're so intent on repaying everyone for every little favor or nice gesture."
The words stung her like a bee and she pushed past him. Just as she made it past his body she felt his thick fingers wrap tightly around her elbow. He held her in place, but she did not fight his grip. She didn't look back at him, but she tilted her head so he knew she was paying attention.
"Katniss," he sighed. "I'm sorry, that was rude. You don't owe me anything."
She turned her head to look back at his face. His expression was softer and friendlier. If she didn't know him so well she would have figured everything was fine, but she could see the underlying anger. She could see the hurt in his sky blue eyes.
"You don't understand, do you Peeta?" she asked in a whisper. She touched her palm to his cheek as if the contact could mend the damage; then pulled it away before he could react. "I owe you everything."
She pulled her elbow out of his grasp and walked towards the door.
-X-
"One minute," Haymitch said.
The small smirk on his face was still there. Just enough for the crowd to think he was pleased, that he was proud, but the three of them knew just how dangerous of a situation they were in. Katniss jumped a little when she felt Peeta's hand grab hers and her head snapped to the side to look at him.
"We're stopping," Peeta said with a fake smile and fake warmth.
The smile was to convince Haymitch, even though he wasn't paying any attention to either of them. He was busy staring out the window and into the area of District 12. As the train approached the station; it slowed. The whole district was waiting for Katniss and Peeta to return. Not only was this victory huge for District 12, because they had a winner, but it was historical because there were two winners and they happened to be in love.
Katniss could feel the pressure and fear fall onto her shoulders, and she was happy to have Peeta's warm and steady hand wrapped around hers even if he didn't like it. She looked at Peeta once last time before the doors opened and he was prepared; he had a big and almost genuine smile on his face.
-X-
The people were loud. The whole district was gathered around the train station. They were all yelling and cheering. She heard her name being called many times. She heard Peeta's being called many times, too. The whole thing frightened her. She hated being on display for everyone to look at, especially when they didn't know anything about her. She felt like a trophy; all shiny and pristine for everyone to smile at, but the reasons and the work it took to win was forgotten.
The mass of bodies was crowding around the front of the train station. Their faces melded together because there were so many of them. The familiar smell of home was overwhelming; the mix of the thick green forest with burnt out fire. She closed her eyes for a brief second and breathed in the scent of 12 and let the familiarity of it calm her down. The thin layer of ash that covered everyone and everything was still there. The sweltering heat of summer was dying down a little as it approached fall, but there was still a sweat about to break out on her forehead.
Haymitch was the first to step out. The confident smirk on his face was still intact when he turned to the side and held out an arm, gesturing for the victors to exit the train. Peeta took a steady step, with his hand still gripping Katniss' tightly. He turned to look at her when she didn't move. Her eyes were wide and her breath was rapid and choppy. Peeta placed his other hand on the opposite side of her waist and leaned into whisper something into her ear, but looked like he was giving her a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll talk, just relax." His lips brushed against her ear and goose bumps were raised all over her olive-toned skin.
She nodded so slightly only he could tell, then she plastered a fake smile on her face and followed Peeta's lead. They took synchronized steps out onto the platform in front of the train and in front of all the people. The grip Peeta had on her hand tightened a little.
"People of District Twelve," Peeta said with ease and confidence, "we're happy to be back."
With matching smiles on their faces they raised their joined hands and the crowd exploded in a thunderous applause. Cheering, yelling and even some screaming occurred. People were crying. Katniss looked around her and saw Prim sitting on Gale's shoulders, and the world felt right for once since the reaping.
-X-
The trio began to make their decent off of the platform, down the concrete stairs. There were cracks in the concrete and it looked a dark gray color because of all the ash. Haymitch walked first with Katniss in the middle and Peeta walking right behind her, holding her hand while waving to people with his free one. At the bottom of the stairs four Peacekeepers waited for them, they would escort them home while creating a protective box around them.
The box was small, because the crowd didn't make room. Katniss' front was squished to Haymitch's back and her back was pressed tightly against Peeta's front. Each Peacekeeper's flank was either brushing against Haymitch's side or Peeta's.
The screaming only became louder when they walked through the crowd. The people right on the other side of the Peacekeepers were tossing flowers and attempting to touch the new victors. People were shouting their names and screaming their admiration for the dual winners. With all the people around it was ten degrees warmer and sweat was dripping off of everyone. The smell of sweat and heated skin was overwhelming and beginning to give Katniss a headache.
Someone reached out to touch her dress and she snapped her head to the side to barely catch a glimpse of a little girl, no older than five dressed in rotting rags. Her heart snapped. The little girl looked like her in her younger years; long dark wavy hair with gray eyes and dressed in scraps. She looked down at her silk dress and became disgusted. She never wanted this life; she would give anything to go back.
They finally pushed through the edge of the crowd as they made their way back to their soon to be old homes. Peeta was the first to make it back since he lived in the town. His brothers came bounding at full speed off of the creaking wooden porch and flung themselves at their baby brother.
For the first time since the reaping Peeta was smiling and laughing genuinely.
Katniss watched as his eldest brother, Connor picked him up and squeezed him. Then Caleb, the middle brother, put Peeta in a headlock and started to rub his head with his fist. Peeta was pushing away from both of them, but the look of pure unadulterated joy was beaming on his face. His father stood on the porch smiling with his arm around his wife, who was glaring at Katniss.
No one knew about Peeta's prosthetic leg, but as soon as Connor picked Peeta up again; Peeta's pant leg rose a little and exposed the shiny chrome metal. The family stopped their laughter and smiles. The reality set in. Peeta shrugged it off, but Mr. Mellark called everyone inside the house. Katniss started to walk away, towards the Seam, but she turned to give the Mellark family one last glance, but all she saw was an evil glare from Mrs. Mellark.
Katniss gave Peeta's mom a polite nod, but all she did was spit on the ground in front of her.
"Rude," Haymitch muttered.
Katniss turned on the balls of her feet and began to walk.
She started to out walk the Peacekeepers and Haymitch. She was furious. She was livid with Mrs. Mellark. Katniss had risked her life for Peeta and saved him with the medicine that he was too weak to get himself. She kept him alive and he paid a small price, but Mrs. Mellark didn't see it that way.
Rapidly the road changed to dust and Katniss began to pound her feet. Ash from coal was rising around her ankles and getting stuck to her calves and to the hem of her dress. She looked down at herself. She was wearing new black flats with a forest green silk baby doll dress and a black cardigan. Portia and Cinna made sure that the couple matched all the time now.
She examined the dress further and thought about how the money that it took to buy this dress was enough to feed a family for a year in 12, and the thought made her even more furious. That little girl who touched her could have been fed with the money it took to make this. She kicked the flats off her feet, sending them soaring into the air and landing in a spot she didn't notice.
"Effie would have a fit if she saw you," Haymitch said blankly with his normal expression. He was standing a few yards behind her.
Katniss whirled around on her heels, the gravel on the roads cutting open the skin on her heels. She could feel the warm liquid swelling, the dirt stinging as it made contact with her open wounds. She hadn't felt so alive in a long time.
"Good thing Effie isn't here," Katniss snapped through her teeth.
She was tired of being on her best behavior all the time because people were watching. She hadn't felt this many emotions swell up inside her since her dad died and her mother mentally checked out. Anger was consuming her and she felt like she could fall to her knees and scream.
Haymitch dismissed the Peacekeepers with the back of his hand as he stepped towards Katniss. His hands were extended and found their home on her shoulders. His blue green eyes looked into hers. Katniss saw wisdom in his eyes, a trait she knew he already had.
"Listen to me," Haymitch said softly. "I know what it feels like. You're just so angry that you want to scream and break everything, right?"
Katniss nodded, the fury inside her was making it hard for her to form sentences.
"You can't," he said simply and she groaned. "As much as you want to, you can't. You are hope to these people. If they see you break, they'll lose it. It isn't just about you anymore. It's about the district. Protect Twelve."
Katniss looked up from the ground. "I'm just so tired of behaving and looking a certain way all the time. I'm tired of being a role model and a celebrity; I just want to go back to how things were."
"I know," Haymitch replied as he kept walking towards the seam, leaving Katniss behind him. "But that will never happen."
-X-
"Katniss!" a high pitched, yet softly spoken voice, rang out.
Her feet sped up and she recognized to voice to be Prim's. Katniss bounded around the corner of the street and pulled Prim up into her arms. She hugged her little sister to her chest tighter than ever before. She wasn't going to leave Prim again, not for anything. Prim was safe in her arms and she was determined to keep her sister safe.
"Prim," she sighed into her little sister's hair. "I missed you so much."
Prim smiled at Katniss and wrapped her arms around Katniss' neck; keeping a tight hold on her. Katniss turned in a tight circle causing Prim to sequel out loud with joy and giddiness. Katniss laughed along with her sister and the dread was momentarily gone.
"Mom was here," Prim said with a big goofy grin.
"What?" Katniss asked.
"Remember you told mom, before you left, that she had to stay. That she had to be there for me? Well she was here, the whole time," Prim said through her giant smile.
Relief flooded Katniss' body. Relief of knowing that her sister was taken care of and that if she hadn't made it home Prim would still be well attended to.
"I'm glad," Katniss said with a smile as she put Prim on the ground.
Her mother stepped out of their little home. Katniss was only able to stare. Her mother looked so good. She was clean, she was smiling and ten years seemed to be lifted off of her and she looked like her old self again. Her smile was bright along with her blue eyes, which reminded Katniss of Peeta.
"Darling," her mother breathed out in a hush as she took quick steps towards Katniss.
Katniss was pulled into an embrace from her mother, something she wasn't used to. It felt familiar and like old times, so she sunk into her mother's arms and allowed herself to be comforted. Only her mother could truly understand what she was going through, in her family. Prim understood, but she didn't grasp it quite like someone over thirty did.
Katniss inhaled the scent of her mother which brought back memories of her childhood. Her scent was like coal with a little bit of lavender; her mother's favorite flower. Her dad would pick them for her all the time on his way back from work; it always brought a smile to all the girl's faces.
"I'm so sorry," her mother whispered into her ears.
Katniss was pulled out of her scent and memory and back into reality. She opened her eyes and pulled away from her mother to look her in the eyes. "Thanks mom," she said softly "You're the first to say that."
Her mother brought her hand to Katniss' forehead and pushed back a strand of hair and tucked it behind her ear. Her mother's hand traveled down her face and rested on her cheek and on her jaw. Her mom was studying her face for a moment before she spoke again.
"If it's any consolation at all, you're going to save Prim and myself. Your victory money will keep us alive forever with anything we could possibly need." Her mother's smile was weak; they both knew it was a small reward for such a large price.
"That helps," she said, the thought may not make the nightmares go away, but at least some stress was lifted off of her.
"And," her mother continued, "I didn't let Prim watch hardly any of the Games, didn't want her seeing you… like…"
"Yeah," Katniss interrupted before her mother could finish that awful thought, "Thanks."
Her mother's hand found hers and she laced their fingers together. She started to take a few steps towards the house, but Katniss looked behind her and saw that Haymitch was watching the whole thing. She opened her mouth to say something, but Haymitch just smiled and turned around and walked towards the Victor's Village.
-X-
It was easy to tell that Prim was excited to see Katniss, but the topic of conversation was a tricky one. No one wanted to talk about what Katniss had just been through, and she didn't want to talk about it either. Listening to Prim talk about school and Lady was easier than talking about the Games.
"Why don't you get some fresh air outside?" her mother suggested after about twenty minutes of Prim babbling on about school.
Katniss nodded and pulled her cardigan tightly across her body. She took long but deliberate steps, already deep in thought, as she made her way out of the house. Once outside she didn't stop walking until she made it to the edge of the dying grass. Her house was a quarter of a mile away, and she liked the time to herself; time to think.
The first thought that came to mind was Cato and the final battle at cornucopia. The memory crashed through her body like an electric current. As much as she tried to fight it, her veins were alive with the adrenaline it brought back.
Katniss saw Cato's face as he ran towards her and held her down against the metal, willing to kill her. She remembered the feel of his bulging muscles in his forearm cutting off her air supply. The feeling of dying was coming back to her, the way her brain felt like it was turning off and the minimal fight she still had in her. Her vision just went black when she felt the flooding of air in her lungs, and she knew Peeta had saved her, once again. She threw her tired body onto her feet and pulled out her bow and arrow, but it was too late. Cato was about to kill Peeta, and there was nothing she could do.
The devastation that she felt in that moment was pulling so deeply on her she fell to her knees in the grass. She raked her fingers through her hair, letting her nails break some of the skin on her scalp. The memory wouldn't leave her; none of them let her be.
She let a soft whimper escape her lips as the image of Cato about to break Peeta's neck flashed across her eyes. She picked up a rock and threw it out into nowhere. She had no logical reason to do it, but the feeling of her arm stretching and her shoulder rotating was easier to handle than the ache in her heart for Peeta.
She picked up another rock and threw it with all her might. She picked up a slightly bigger rock and threw it, letting a tiny sound of exertion leave her lips every time. As she picked up the third rock; tears began to slip down her face. Silent, furious, searing hot tears. Tears because of Rue, tears because of what she had to do, tears because she had to leave Prim in Gale's full arms and tears for Peeta. She knew she must look hysterical; throwing rocks and crying like a madwoman, but she didn't care. The physical feelings were easier to deal with than the emotional ones.
"Catnip?"
She heard a soft voice behind her and dropped her half pound rock and spun on her heels. Gale stood about three meters away from her with a raised brow. She tried to retract the tears but they wouldn't stop and she was full of shame. She was supposed to be strong, even in front of Gale. She wasn't weak and she didn't want him to look at her differently, she was counting on him being the only person to look at her as the same old girl she was before the reaping.
"You okay?" he asked as he took one step closer to her.
Her hair was now a mess. Her makeup was running and smudged and her dress was dirty and ripped. A dry swallow burned her throat as the memory kept flashing in the back of her mind.
"They won't leave me," she whispered, unable to contain the thought.
"Who?" Gale asked, taking another step forward.
"The memories," she said in a shaky breath.
Gale just arched his brow higher.
"I see Rue dying every day. I see Glimmer being stung so much she was twice her size. I see Cato absolutely psychotic, and they won't leave me alone." Her eyes drifted up to his momentarily. "I have nightmares that Peeta dies and I couldn't save him."
She falls to her knees again, and this time she buries her head in her hands because of the shame. As soon as her legs hit the ground she felt a warm hand on her back, slowly making circles. She leaned her body into his, letting her head fall awkwardly onto his thigh, but she didn't care. Tears continued to slip down her face as Gale sat with her.
"You know, Catnip," he said in a gentle voice that was uncommon for him, "I have no idea what you're going through, but I'm here for you."
She blindly reached for his other hand and gave it a squeeze. "That's exactly what I need."
-TBC-
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