A Change is Gonna Come
Besides the patter of the rain, it is quiet.
It is always a quiet night when the world changes.
A peaceful silence; a silence bearing the brunt of a painful normality.
Normality. A perfectly normal day followed by a perfectly normal evening.
Until now.
Change does not happen in big events. Change does not happen in loud moments. It does not occur when people most expect it to.
But rather, when they don't.
When the night is quiet and still and the truth has room to breathe.
This night is quiet.
This night, your world is changed.
Of course, it isn't the first time. That horrendous day, that horrendous phone call, twenty years ago now. That was a day when your world ground to a shuddering halt.
Because the one person that you had left, the most important person in your life, was snatched away from you, years before her time.
Then, fourteen years later, when all you needed to do was brush your teeth, not caring if you were doing it in a 'sterilised area'. That was life-changing for the better.
But that was then, and this is now.
No one expected this to happen, not yet.
Maybe one day, you always told yourself. But now that day is here, and it is scaring you to death, and you're left suddenly wishing that you were six years ago again and all this was new and exciting, and you were still so naive as to how complicated it would shortly get.
Your head and your heart are conflicting. One is telling you to leave; the other knows that walking away would be the hardest thing you've ever had to do.
A silent battle inside of you, just a piece of the internal war that's been raging for years.
Winning the battle, losing the war. Wasn't that how it always went?
'Happily-ever-after': a clichéd phrase coined for the amusement of children reading a fairytale. A state of being that is so unreachable you wonder whether anyone who isn't a fictional princess has ever experienced it; whether anyone has ever found their Prince Charming.
You know he is certainly not your Prince Charming. There's no such thing, you gave up on that hope years ago. You don't want a Prince Charming, anyway. A man who only ever falls for the beautiful girl, and marries her before he even knows her, just because the shoe fits? Sounds like your idea of a nightmare, not a fairytale.
But then, you never have been very traditional.
It is dark; the navy sky is smothered with great billowing rain clouds, swallowing the stars and moon.
You can't move. Your heeled feet are glued firmly to the wet concrete, because he has just told you that he has a girlfriend, and he's serious about her, and she is lovely, and he would like you to meet her.
But even that is not life-changing; you aren't oblivious to the fact that he has a love life.
It is not that he didn't tell you sooner, either. You probably would have kept it from him, too.
Nor is it that he casually told you whilst you were both getting into your cars, as if he was simply saying goodnight.
It is the sudden, crushing realisation that you don't want to meet her. Because you don't want him to be with her.
And that comprehension is suffocating.
You are glad that it's raining, because it hides the hot, salty tears that are spilling down your cheeks.
He is stood right in front of you, concerned by your sudden behaviour, asking if you are all right, ignoring the rain that is hammering down.
You do not answer him. You do not know what to tell him.
You did not expect this day to happen so soon. You have spent years telling yourself that it will all work itself out eventually.
You are already halfway there, really. Minus the physical connection, it could certainly be said that you and he are in a relationship.
Except now he is telling you that he has found someone else. And that kills you, when it probably shouldn't.
You make eye contact with him, the best you can when your vision is obscured by both rain and tears, and he gazes right back at you.
It is a knowing look, he has on his face. He is not oblivious to why you are acting like you are; he knows what the last few years have been like.
He should do, you reason, he was the other half of the whole complicated equation.
He says your name sadly, pitifully. You don't want his pity, you want so much more than that.
He tells you that you'd like her, that she's smart and funny and good for him.
You shake your head softly, looking down at the ground and blinking away the tears.
His finger finds your chin and he tilts your head up, forcing you to look at him.
But looking at him is almost unbearable.
"We both knew this would happen eventually." His voice is soft, yet somehow loud and clear over the sound of the rain.
You nod. It would appear that you've lost your ability to speak.
"Her name is Lauren."
Another nod.
"She's a psychology lecturer at UCL."
Your head is going to fall off from all this nodding in a minute. You're not entirely sure why he's telling you this.
"I like her. A lot. I could love her."
Your head snaps up at his use of the word 'could'. It implies that he might not, that there is a reason why he might not.
"But at the moment I can't love her," he goes on. "Because there's this other girl, and a long time ago we almost had something. And I see her everywhere, everyday. She's there, all the time. In the lab, in my apartment, in my car ... in my head. But I don't know where I stand with this girl, because we don't talk about it. And as long as I remain in this limbo, I can't do anything with anyone else."
He is asking you for closure, you know that. You also know that if you do not take this chance now then it will be lost forever.
You are spared from thinking of an immediate response by Harry saying, "So, Nikki, I am going to ask you this: am I doing the right thing by going home to Lauren?"
And here it is, here is the life-changing event.
It is not something big like a kiss, or big like a death. It is not what you thought it would be.
It is not magnificent, or spectacular, or impressive.
It is small, like life-changing events tend to be.
It is a word.
It is a moment.
One moment in which the entire world makes sense and all of your cares fall away, leaving you with this blinding sense of clarity.
"No."
You say it with certainty, no hesitancy can be heard in your voice; you make no apologies for how he has made you fall for him.
It's his turn to nod now. "Okay then."
He takes a step closer to you, placing his hands either side of your face.
You shiver, but you're pretty sure it has nothing to do with the cold water that has seeped through to your skin.
His lips brush yours, soft and warm, and wet because of the continuous downpour.
You know that he may not be your Prince Charming, that you may not have your happily-ever-after that you don't believe in, that at times it will be anything but easy; but the idea of you two finally together makes you smile against his lips and break the kiss, because you do know that this day, this moment, was always going to happen eventually.
Some would say that you're meant to be together, soul mates. Others would claim that the natural chemistry between you is too much to deny.
Personally, you prefer the simple idea that both of you have fallen in love with each other.
But whatever it is – soul-mates, chemistry or love – it feels right. It feels amazing.
This night, stood in a puddle-strewn car park under a dark sky that seems intent on getting you as soaking wet as possible, you feel complete.
This night. This is the night that your world changed.
Just a one-shot. I'm not sure if I like it or not...
Oh well, I've written it now. Let me know what you think.
There's more Sitting, Wishing, Waiting coming soon, by the way. My muse has been totally screwed up lately, as you can probably tell from this. :)
Hope everyone's having a lovely weekend! 3
xxxxx