Day One

So I was walking home one day with a spring in my step when suddenly A WILD DUNSPARCE APPEARED right in front of me on the path. I was like, "Mama mia!" because I didn't have any Pokemon and we all know how dangerous it is to be outside without any Pokemon. The Dunsparce didn't really do anything threatening... it just kind of sat there, actually... but the experience was still utterly terrifying and I think I peed a little. I mean, what is Dunsparce, anyway? Some kind of snake? I dunno, but I did know that I did not want it to kill me.

So I was right in the middle of screaming like the little girl I never was when suddenly a voice said, "Don't worry, Herbert, I'm here!" from somewhere behind me. I turned around and it was Professor Douglas-Fir, the local Pokemon authority. He has this big lab in town where he does all sorts of Pokemon-related experiments.

"Professor Douglas-Fir!" I exclaimed. "The the Dunsparce is just OH GOD IT'S HORRIFYING, PLEASE SAVE ME BEFORE IT EATS MY BRAIN!" Because at the time it was my understanding that Dunsparce eats peoples' brains.

"Calm down, Herbert," said the professor, as he pulled out a single Pokeball. "It's just a Dunsparce. POKEBALL, GO!" And then he threw it at Dunsparce and it opened up and just sort of pulled Dunsparce into it. Then the Pokeball wobbled for a little bit and made this low beeping noise, which I guess means that he'd caught the Pokemon.

"Dunsparce are rare here in Noob Town," said the professor. "Extremely rare. Herbert, follow me to my lab up the hill." So we went. It wasn't a very long walk and no more Pokemon showed up, so I won't bother talking about it here. Anyway, when we got to the lab, Professor Douglas-Fir said, "Now, Herbert, I give this Dunsparce to you, so you can keep it as a pet or whatever."

"But don't you want it for research?" I asked.

"Research? Psh, I don't need to research no Dunsparce. I only research cool Pokemon, like Bidoof."

"Well, whatever. Now that I have my first Pokemon, I can go off on an epic Pokemon journey that will take me all over the world," I said. "So thanks, Professor Douglas-Fir, for catching this for me."

Professor Douglas-Fir said, "Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hold the phone there, amigo. You can't go on a Pokemon journey, it's simply not feasable."

"Why not?" I asked. I was already thinking about all the awesome adventures I'd have - beating 11-year-old kids and their level 3 Rattatas, fighting evil, and probably scoring with lots of hot babes. Because man, when you become Pokemon League Champion, you get hot babes by the millions. Or that is my understanding, at least, as I had never considered raising Pokemon before that day.

"Because, Herbert, you are the biggest failure I have ever met. If you went on a Pokemon adventure, you'd probably fall off a cliff and break your toe. It's just not a good idea, no sir, not at all."

So I was like, "Well you know what? I'm gonna go on an adventure anyway. When I combine forces with this Dunsparce I met about ten minutes ago, we can beat anyone. Even, like, ninjas. So I'm outta here, yo. Screw you guys, I'm going on a journey."

Professor Douglas-Fir said, "I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that, Herbert. If you want to go, you must fulfill one task for me."

"And what's that?"

"You must defeat me... in mortal kombat."

And I was like, "No problem, yo! Heaven or hell, duel one, let's rock! I choose you, Dunsparce!" And then I threw my Pokeball and it sent out Dunsparce, and I commanded him to attack but he still sort of just sat there like, "dude, whatever, yo. Im'a sleepin', and y'all crackas can kiss mah ass, lol."

Then Professor Douglas-Fir jump-kicked me in the ribs so hard that I flew right through one of his assistants and cut him in half. Then he pursued me and punched me like eight or nine times, I dunno, I didn't count. But I recovered and did this flying flipkick thing that knocked him over. And then I ran over to Dunsparce, picked him up, and started swinging him around like nunchucks. And when Professor Douglas-Fir got up, I clubbed him over the head with Dunsparce and knocked him out. Then he exploded.

So I was all, "Aww yeah," but then Professor Douglas-Fir started talking to me in this weird disembodied voice. Probably his ghost or something.

He said, "You defeated me, Herbert. Well done, but this is only the first step. If you want to be truly recognized as an ultra-badass Pokemon trainer, you must travel the world and attain the eight Gym Badges. Only then will you have the necessary skills to take on the best of trainers. Also, try to catch some more Pokemon, man. Dunsparce friggin' sucks."

So then I went home and was all, "Hey mom I'm gonna go on an epic Pokemon journey" and she was all, "k", and then I stocked up on some stuff I could use for my trip. I got a first-aid kit, a canteen, some apples, a load of bread, and some stakes for slaying vampires. You never know when those suckers will strike, man. Then I put all this in my backpack and left home.

I decided that from Noob Town I would travel to Newbie Town in the hopes of not just a Gym Badge, but maybe some Pokeballs so I didn't have to use one Pokemon that kicks everybody's asses for half the journey and then get slaughtered by one really strong Gym Leader at the end of the game. So I adjusted the straps on my backpack and set off, on my epic Pokemon journey.