LOOK OF LOVE
A slightly late Valentine's Day story, and not a particularly cheery one. Well, I enjoyed writing it all the same. I may or may not add a part two to this. What do you guys think?
Should I keep going, or should I leave this thing as it is right now? Be sure to tell me; I really want to know.
Characters (except Terence) © C.S. Lewis and Disney/Walden Media
Terence and Story © unicorn-skydancer08
All rights reserved.
It was Valentine's Day at Castle Cair Paravel once again. It had been a wonderful day, with an exquisite breakfast in the Grand Hall, and full of flowers and beautiful gifts.
But the most beautiful part was yet to come.
There was to be a magnificent ball that evening, and everyone was expected to attend. King Peter and Queen Susan had organized a list of all the guests, making sure that nobody was overlooked. The servants had been kept on their toes the last two days with the decorations, and the heavenly aromas that wafted from the kitchen were enough to make one dizzy.
Everyone was ecstatic about the dance, most especially young Queen Lucy and her two closest friends, Tumnus the faun and Terence the young unicorn turned human.
Terence, in particular, hoped that this would be the day when he could finally come clean with Lucy. No one at the Cair knew it, not even Tumnus, but Terence was secretly in love with the Valiant Queen. He didn't know why, but there was no denying it. Of course, he had always cared very much for the girl, from the moment they'd first met. He had always been there for Lucy—to help her, to listen to her, to give her advice, to comfort her, to look out for her as a brother looked out for his sister. He was sure Lucy loved him; he knew he loved her.
But lately, he found his feelings for the girl running deeper than friendship. Now that Lucy was a grown woman, somehow Terence began to see her from a different angle.
At first, Terence couldn't believe what he was feeling. How could he be in love with Lucy? How was it even possible?
Though he was young himself (at least by a unicorn's standards), though his face and form were like that of a teenager, he still had well over a hundred years of seniority over Lucy. She was a queen, a woman of high position; everyone loved her and looked up to her. He was just a modest, lonely wayfarer, with no one and no place in the world to call his own. It was because of the generosity of Lucy and her siblings that he was even able to stay in the Cair. Furthermore, Terence was already in love with another woman—or he had been, once upon a time.
Shortly after becoming human, before returning to Narnia, Terence had lost his heart to another human girl, who was also royalty. Her name was Rhiella, and Terence loved her as he imagined no other mortal man loved a woman. Rhiella was very much like Lucy, in so many ways: her sweet nature, her playful streak, her boldness, her honest heart, her free spirit, her overall charm. She was also very beautiful, but Terence was the type who could care less about outer beauty. Had Rhiella been ugly and crippled, he would have loved her just the same.
What had happened between him and Rhiella was something Terence did not wish to think about, and certainly did not intend to talk about. It was a deep wound that hadn't quite healed; Terence wasn't sure it would ever truly heal. After that episode, Terence was wary of falling in love again. He seriously doubted he could endure such pain a second time.
Despite his defenses, he inevitably found himself softening toward Lucy, as the stubborn ice melts in the persistent sun. Try as he might, there was nothing the boy could do to fight it.
It simply happened, whether he willed it or not.
Terence felt a growing desire to be nearer to Lucy, to be more to her than just a friend. But he could never find the courage to tell her so.
Not until now.
Now, the boy decided, was as good a time as any. Now was his chance. If he didn't seize it, he might as well wait until Judgment Day.
So, after breakfast, Terence began to seek Lucy out, while in his mind he practiced what he would say to her when he found her.
He would invite her to attend the dance with him, and later on, when they were there, he would disclose the truth. He wanted to let her know in a very special way. Perhaps he could say it while they were on the dance floor, or he could lead her out onto one of the moonlit terraces of the castle during an interlude and tell her there.
To say that Terence was nervous would be an understatement; his stomach was all tied up in knots, his heart was beating a mile a second, and he could hardly get his legs to move properly.
He wasn't so worried about how he would break this to Lucy as he was about her reaction.
Would she be thrilled? Shocked? Disgusted? Maybe she would think he was joking—or worse, that he had gone mad. Terence could almost hear her accusatory tone, and he actually flinched a little. He was sure Lucy wasn't that kind of person, but strange circumstances could do strange things to people. This definitely counted as one of those "circumstances".
When Terence finally found Lucy, he almost turned and fled on the spot, but instead plucked up his courage and moved in closer to the girl. "Hi, Lucy," he said when he reached her.
"Hello, Terence!" Lucy greeted him brightly, looking and sounding like she was in an extremely good mood. This was a hopeful sign. "Happy Valentine's Day!"
"Same to you," he replied. "Everything all right with you?"
"Couldn't be much better! I wish it was evening already; I can hardly wait for that dance!"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."
"Oh?"
Taking a deep breath, summoning every ounce of fortitude in his body, Terence said, "I…I wanted to ask you…that is, if you are yet in need of one…"
"In need of what?" Lucy's smile faded somewhat.
Distractedly, Terence lifted one hand to rub the back of his neck. Oh, get on with it, already! his inner voice scolded him. Do it now, while you're both still young! "I wanted to ask you," the boy said a second time, "if you would like me…to…to be your escort." He had to practically choke out the words, but he said them.
Now Lucy's smile completely disappeared, as if someone had wiped it off her face. "What?"
"I want…would very much like to be the one to accompany you tonight." Terence hesitated briefly. "That is, if that's all right with you."
For a moment, Lucy said nothing.
She didn't seem angry at Terence, or disgusted. But she didn't appear particularly pleased, either. When she did finally speak, she said in a slow, halting voice, "Oh, Terence, that's so sweet of you. Really, you're very kind, and I do appreciate it. But"—Terence felt his heart sink at the unpleasant three-letter word—"I already promised Tumnus I'd go with him."
"Tumnus?" Terence felt an odd chill in the pit of his stomach.
"Yes. He's asked me not even ten minutes ago."
"Oh," was all Terence could think of to say, in a small voice that showed but a fragment of his disappointment. His sapphire-eyed gaze lowered to the shiny marble floor.
"I'm sorry, Terence." Lucy sounded genuinely apologetic.
"No," he said softly. "It's all right, Lucy. I understand. I just thought…" He faltered for a time, and ended up saying simply, "Never mind. It doesn't matter anyway."
He turned to go.
"We'll still see you there tonight?" Lucy called after the young man as he was walking away.
The words "don't count on it" hovered on Terence's tongue, but he made himself swallow them, with as much effort as if he were trying to swallow a stone.
As much as Lucy's rejection stung, he simply couldn't bring himself to hurt her back.
When night finally arrived, Terence didn't want to go to the party. But he knew he had to in order to save face.
During the feast, the boy managed to put on a passable smile for everyone, but he didn't say much and ate very little. Occasionally he sipped some wine, but the level hardly went down.
Later, when they were all out on the dance floor, Terence stood alone on the sidelines and watched. He longed to join the crowd as they moved about to the festive music, and there was no doubt he would have been one of the best dancers out there, if not the best. But he didn't have the heart for dancing, and knowing Lucy was dancing with Tumnus instead of him made it worse. More than once, Terence caught a glimpse of the faun and the young queen in each other's arms, their gazes interlocked, hardly aware of anyone else in the room.
As if that weren't enough, each regarded the other with a look of pure tenderness, of absolute adoration. It was as plain a sight as anything. Terence had never seen his friends this happy; their faces fairly glowed. At one point, Lucy laid her head in the hollow of Tumnus's neck, and the faun in turn nestled his cheek against the girl's silken hair.
Tumnus closed his eyes as he and Lucy continued to sway to and fro to the music, the smile that adorned his face the biggest, most contented one Terence had seen yet.
That was when Terence knew. It didn't take a genius to figure it out: Tumnus was in love with Lucy, and Lucy was in love with Tumnus.
Terence didn't want to believe it, but it was true. It had to be so. The poor boy felt his heart begin to crumble. Inexpressible pain filled him to the brim. Hot tears welled in his eyes, and he covered them with one hand and ducked his head so that no one would see. At length, the white-haired youth slipped silently from the crowd. Nobody appeared to notice. Terence headed out onto one of the private balconies that overlooked the Eastern Sea. It was a calm, clear night; the moon was bright and full, and stars sprinkled the sky like sprinkles on a cake.
Terence's tears had already begun to slide down his cheeks as he stepped into the cool night air, and now, alone at the outermost edge of the balcony, he let them fall freely.
He just couldn't believe this was happening to him. First Rhiella…and now Lucy. Yet another girl I love lost to me, Terence thought mournfully.
How could Lucy do this to him? How could she prefer Tumnus to him? What did Tumnus have that he didn't? It was Terence's dream, but it had become Tumnus's reality. Terence wanted to scream to high heaven at the injustice of it. At the same time, the youth felt deeply ashamed. What right did he have to tell his friends what to do, who to love? He couldn't force Lucy into anything. Much as he loved her and wanted her, he couldn't be cruel. Above all else, Terence felt a burning humiliation—humiliation for allowing himself to fall for Lucy like that, for even thinking in the first place that a relationship between them might work. He felt like crawling into a deep, dark hole and hiding himself, away from the rest of the world.
How long Terence stood there, quietly weeping, there was no way of knowing. But at one point, he became aware that he had company.
The youth's sharp ears heard the tick of boots behind him, and a deep, masculine voice asked, "What are you doing out here, Terence?"
It was Edmund.
Terence didn't answer, nor did he turn his head, but he didn't shy away when the Just King, Lucy's second oldest brother, approached him and stood by his side. Edmund, who was not as close to Terence as Lucy and Tumnus were, but definitely closer than Susan and Peter, knew straight off that something was wrong. "You all right, Terence? What is it?"
"Nothing," said Terence huskily, refusing to look up. "It's…just nothing."
"If it's just 'nothing'," said Edmund prudently, "then why are you standing out here when everyone else is in there, and what's the explanation for those tears on your face?"
Terence sighed deeply, but said nothing. He only closed his eyes, putting a hand over his face and shaking his head dismally from side to side. It went to Edmund's heart to see him like this. "Come on, tell me about it," the young king cajoled, laying his own hand on his companion's drooped shoulder. "Whatever it is, you can tell me. I promise to not give anything away."
When Terence finally took his hand away, he leveled his still-teary gaze with Edmund's. "How do you suppose you would feel, Edmund," he said, in a voice quiet and laced with pain, "if someone you loved with all your heart, someone for whom you would do anything, was not aware of how you felt about them? What if it turned out they loved someone else entirely?"
Edmund thought for a short moment, before he answered slowly, "I suppose it would feel awful. Quite terrible, really."
"And what if that someone was your dear friend, one of the dearest friends you had ever known?"
"It'd feel even worse." Edmund paused. "Are we talking about you, Terence?"
"And Lucy."
It took Edmund another minute to realize what Terence was getting at. When he figured it out, his brows knit in an expression of pure disbelief. "You mean to say you're in love with my sister?"
Terence nodded but once in reply. "It's crazy, I know. But I swear on my life that it's true. I love Lucy."
Edmund stared at him, looking as stunned as if he'd just seen Peter sprout a second head. "And Lucy doesn't know?" he asked when he found his tongue again. "You never told her?"
"It wouldn't make any difference anyway," Terence murmured, bowing his head in defeat. "Lucy loves Tumnus. No doubt he loves her in return."
"How do you know that?"
"All you have to do is look at them when they're together." Terence's face was sadder than Edmund recalled seeing it look before. "Just a moment ago, in fact, when they were dancing. I saw them, and I know it. They adore each other. They're happier than I've seen them in ages. You may not have realized it, Edmund…but I know true love when I see it."
Now Edmund's heart swelled with compassion. He could only imagine what Terence was going through, how badly he had to be hurting inside.
He wished he could say something to comfort the poor boy, but all he could find to say was, "Oh, Terence, I'm so sorry."
"I know. So am I."
A long moment of silence followed this conversation, silence punctuated by the rumble of the sea below them and the sounds of music and laughter behind them. Finally Terence heaved out one more heavy sigh, and rubbed his face wearily. "Would you forgive me if I take my leave now, Edmund?" he asked. "Nothing personal…but I feel the need for a little walk."
"Okay," Edmund acceded, "I understand." He gave Terence's shoulder a benevolent squeeze. "Take all the time you need, my friend. I'll be there to help in any way I possibly can."
Before Terence went away, he did have one more thing to say to the Just King. "Edmund?"
"Yes?"
"I would dearly appreciate it if you didn't mention a word of this to Lucy. Or to Tumnus."
"Of course, I wouldn't," Edmund replied gently. "You know I'm not the type to blab things around. Your secret is safe with me, Terence."
"Thank you," said Terence fervently. "Because the last thing I need is for them to know about this. It will only make things worse."
"You're making it worse for yourself, by keeping this hidden," Edmund had to point out. "You're only putting yourself through more pain."
Terence knew he was right. But all he said was, "I'll just have to deal with it."
"Why should you have to?"
"Because it's the right thing to do. They say that if you truly love someone, you must think of them before yourself, to place their needs before your own…to be willing to let them go."