Title: Know Your Stars: Hunchback of Notre Dame
Summary: Come one! Come all! Humiliate and tease the HOND characters and make them weep for mercy.
Genre: Parody/Humor
Rated: T for suggestive themes and language
A/N: I don't own anything except for the ridiculously random ideas. I also don't mean at all any of the rotten things I'm typing. I love all the characters except for blockhead Phoebus.
#1: Quasimodo
(The lovable hunchback walks into the spotlight and sits in the deck chair.)
Quasimodo: Weird. I thought something might happen.
Me: Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…
Quasimodo: Wow, one movie and I'm already a star!
Me: Quasimodo…(Quasi smiles toothily.) he thinks his gargoyle friends are and I quote 'brain dead, homosexual bastards who are unable to reproduce.
Quasimodo: (Smile disappears and now looks angry.) What?! I would never say that about my dearest friends. (Gargoyles hop on stage.)
Hugo: Dude…that was totally uncool and uncalled for!
Victor: Homosexual?! I prefer the term 'effeminate'. (Poses 'effeminately.' Laverne and Hugo roll eyes at him.)
Laverne: If that's how you really feel, sonny boy, then call this friendship over! (With a huff, she and the other obviously offended gargoyles hop off stage, leaving a sobbing Quasi.)
Quasimodo: But friends…don't go! Don't believe these lies! (Sobs uncontrollably.)
Me: Big baby…Quasimodo…he thinks Frollo looks like a prissy girl in his robes.
Quasimodo: What?!! When have I ever…(Is interrupted by the entrance of the perturbed minister himself.)
Frollo: How dare you?!! (Backhands Quasi hard before walking away, fuming.)
Quasimodo: But master, that wasn't true!
Me: Sure it was…Quasimodo…was the one who leaked Esmeralda's sexy dance onto the Internet and then blamed Clopin for doing it.
Esmeralda: You did WHAT?!!! (Storms onstage, her fists clenched.)
Clopin: You did that?!! And you blamed me?!! Why didn't I hang you at the Court of Miracles when I had the chance?!! (Fumes as badly as an overheated baked potato.)
Quasimodo: Guys seriously! That wasn't me! This mysterious voice is telling nothing but lies!
Me: No, I'm not. Quasimodo…was so ugly, his mom left him to Frollo's care because she was too damn disgusted to take care of him. Wow, even a mother couldn't love his face.
Quasimodo: You know what?!!! You're mean!! You're more evil than Frollo!!
Me: Wow! Such a compliment! Quasimodo…once mated with Djali.
Esmeralda: And I thought you were already sick for leaking my video onto the Internet but this takes sick thoughts to a whole new level!
Quasimodo: I told you that wasn't me! It's the voice! And who on Earth will want to mate with a goat?!!
(Gringoire walks in.)
Gringoire: Ah, I would so love to mate with sweet Djali.
(Quasi looks at him in complete shock and disgust.)
Me: Ok, weirdo much? Anyway now you know, Quasimodo…
Quasimodo: No, they don't! You've been telling them lies! Lies! Nothing but stupid lies!!
Me:…That gargoyle-insulting, Frollo-offending, porn leaking, guy with an ugly retard face that not even a mother could love and goat-mating freak.
Quasimodo: Ugh, I'm going to go ring the Bells. I'll find you later. (Hobbles off, grumbling about the evil voice and how cruel and wicked it was.)
Me: Up next…Esmeralda!
#2: Esmeralda
(The gorgeous gypsy girl waltzes on stage and gracefully sits in the chair.)
Esmeralda: Is something supposed to…
Me: Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…
Esmeralda: Cool. I'm a star.
Me: Esmeralda…(Esme winks at the camera.) she thinks Frollo's a steaming hot pile of sexy manliness.
Esmeralda: (Vomits inwardly.) What?!! No way!! He's evil, cruel, prejudiced, murderous and not to mention, damn old!
Me: And you want him. A lot.
Esmeralda: No, I don't!!! (Frollo walks onstage.)
Frollo: Why, Esmeralda, I never knew you cared that much. ( Smirks at her sexily. *drools* Esme gives him a death glare.)
Esmeralda: No, I won't ever want you! This voice is telling lies!
Me: Esmeralda…wants to give all the male characters in HOND a lap dance. (Suddenly, the entire room is swarmed with every possible male HOND character. Esme is bewildered.)
Esmeralda: I'm not a whore, ok?!! I don't give lap dances!! (All the male characters groan disappointedly and walk off. Esme shakes her head at the inanity of everything.)
Me: Esmeralda…is a playgirl. I mean she flirts around with Frollo, gives Quasimodo false hope and then marries Phoebus. (Whispers.) Total whore.
Esmeralda: Ok 1) I hate Frollo so he doesn't count. 2) Quasi and I have an understanding that I don't like him that way. And 3) I love Phoebus, that's why I married him. I'm not a whore for God's sake!
Me: Sure you aren't. (Sarcastically.) Anyway, Esmeralda…once gave Clopin a blowjob. (Gasps in indignation.) Incest!!
Esmeralda: What the ****?! Clopin's a BROTHER to me! A BROTHER!! I would never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever do such a thing, ever!!!!!! You are sick, you know? Sick!!!
Me: The gypsy who gave her friend whom she says is like a brother to her a blowjob should not be throwing stones. (Ignores mumbled curses and death threats from the annoyed gypsy.) Esmeralda…secretly plots to plant a bomb in the Court of Miracles so that she can please the very man she loves: Frollo.
Clopin: Esmeralda, how could you?!! From now on, we're no longer 'siblings'. You're not to come to the Court of Miracles ever again! And meet me backstage for that blowjob. (Walks off both excited and enraged.)
Esmeralda: Ok…What the Hell was that piece of shit?!! I am not plotting to kill my friends. I most definitely do not love Frollo. And Clopin, I am not giving you a blowjob! That's just plain sick!
Clopin: Aw man, so close! (Stomps off sulkily.)
Esmeralda: (Places hand to head to soothe throbbing migraine.) Ugh, how can this get any worse?
Frollo: Well, Esmeralda, are you ready for tonight?
Esmeralda: Tonight? What's tonight?!
Frollo: The voice from Heaven told me you were very willing to accompany me to Paris for a…thrilling weekend. (Smirks sexily again *drools and sighs happily*. Esme retches in disgust.)
Esmeralda: For the last time, I don't love you. I don't even like you. Ugh, I'm getting out of this place.
Me: Now you know Esmeralda…
Esmeralda: No, they don't. That was nothing but lies!! Pure lies!!!
Me:…that whorish, lap dance-giving, heartbreaking, blowjob-giving, incest-favoring and Frollo-lusting gypsy.
Esmeralda: SHUT UP ALREADY!! (Storms off, leaving Frollo confused while muttering under her breath obscenities that I cannot print.)
Me: Next up…Frollo!
#3: Frollo
(The devastatingly sexy judge glides and gracefully settles into the chair. He weaves his terribly beautiful hands together and waits for something to happen.)
Frollo: Well since that impious witch has decided to cancel our plans, let's just get this over with.
Me: Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…
Frollo: Well, finally some respect.
Me: Frollo…often indulges in leather, handcuffs and whips. Mmm…ladies, how's that sound? (Frollo fanatics who appear out of nowhere begin frantically pulling their hair out and screaming.)
Frollo: What?!! I never indulge in such sinful, licentious behavior. You must have mistaken me for Minister Bourbon.
Me: Yeah…like you've never had an ménage a trois before.
Frollo: Why on Earth would I have one?! I already said I have never indulged in such vulgar doings. (Huffs, offended. *God, he's gorgeous when angered*)
Me: (Wipes drool from corner of mouth.) Anyway…Frollo was once a stripper at a bachelorette party. (Makes eyebrows at the judge who's completely shell shocked.)
Frollo: Who told you…I mean, where are you getting this calumnious information? Stripping is immoral and when one does so, he is eternally damned.
Me: So why'd you do it? (Rolls videotape of Frollo stripping to 'Sexyback' while drooling and sighing. The Frollo fans are now fanning themselves while still screaming their lungs out.)
Frollo: Take. That. Video. Down. NOW!!!!
Me: Wet blanket. (Takes down video to the disappointment of the Frollo fans.) Frollo…has nude pictures of certain hot, busty gypsy women hidden in those thick books he reads.
Frollo: (Turning red and coughing.) I have no idea what you're talking about. (Shifts eyes left and right.)
Me: Yeah right…and I'm Clopin Trouillefou. (Says this in downright sarcasm.)
Frollo: Gypsy, is that you?!! If it is, I swear to Maria herself, I'll kill you for this!!!
Me: Relax. I'm not him. Frollo…calls the Archdeacon an old, fat and stupid fartknocker who couldn't take him down. (Archdeacon marches over, angry.)
Archdeacon: Frollo, I never imagined such slanderous insults from someone with such pious upbringing such as yourself!!!
Frollo: I assure you father, this unholy voice is toying with all of us!
Me: Says the guy who hides naked pictures of busty gypsies in his books.
Archdeacon: What?!!! Frollo, you are to march yourself back down to the church and flagellate yourself!!! I never expected such sins from someone like you!!! (Marches off, muttering how a scoundrel and pervert like Frollo was ever appointed minister. *At least he isn't an old, fat, frail fartknocker like you*)
Frollo: How dare you mouth such untrue blasphemies?!!! Cease with that unholy tongue!!!
Me: Me, unholy? Now that hurts. So have a taste of my revenge…Frollo…is currently single.
Frollo: (Laughs mockingly.) You call that vengeful? That's not even slightly humiliating.
Me: (Smiles evilly while noticing all the Frollo fans now stampeding towards Frollo with their arms outstretched. Most of them are wearing wedding dresses. Some already have a marriage license in hand and a vicar by their side.) May not be vengeful…but will most definitely hurt!
Frollo: (After noticing the rabid crowd of crazed fans, leaps out of the chair and dashes for his very life towards the exit, all the while narrowly missing grasping hands and pleas for love.) I swear when I find you, unholy voice!! I will smite you and plunge you into the FIERY PIT!!!!
Me: Now you know Frollo…a soon-to-be happily married, Archdeacon-insulting stripper who indulges in erotic fetishes and busty, hot Romani women.
Frollo: (Leaps onto his valiant steed, Snowball and tries to outride the fleet of deranged women.) I am going to burn down wherever that evil voice lives. But first, I must escape these shameless women!
Me: Up next…Clopin!
#4: Clopin
(The flexible gypsy somersaults and lands perfectly into the chair.)
Clopin: Wonder what's going to happen now?
Me: Know your stars, know your stars, know your stars…
Clopin: Great. Lay on the star treatment. (Spreads arms out, waiting for the praises and compliments.)
Me: Clopin…is half jumping bean/half rainbow/half lunatic and half puppet.
Clopin: (Completely taken aback.) Whoa…what? How can anyone possibly be any of those?
Me: Then why do you jump like jumping bean, dress like a rainbow, act like a lunatic and carry a puppet around?
Clopin: (Opens mouth for answer but can't find one.) Uh…well? (Scratches head.)
Me: Pathetic. Clopin…thinks puppet are lame.
Clopin: (Gasps and hurriedly covers Little Clopin Puppet's ears.) Don't you even think such things! I love puppets. I never think their lame. (Kisses Little Clopin Puppet lovingly.)
Me: Get a room, weirdo. Clopin…collects little kids off the street for…naughty purposes.
Clopin: (Eyes widen in horror.) What?!! I ain't no stinking pedophile! I love kids but not in that way! Esme was right…you are seriously sick!
Me: Right…I wonder what all the parents are going to say about this.
(At that moment, cross mothers come towards Clopin while swinging their Prada handbags. Clopin's shocked and scared.)
Random Mom #1: How dare you touch my baby like that?!!! (Smacks Clopin hard on the head. The gypsy king yelps in pain.)
Random Mom #2: So this is why my son sticks around with you so often, you sick bastard. (Smacks Clopin harder than the first mom. The gypsy king attempts to shield his face form the raining blows.)
(Soon, he's being ambushed by a fury of enraged moms who are clobbering him to death with their handbags. Finally, the carnage stops and the moms storm away, leaving a battered and bruised Clopin.)
Clopin: (Lifts a shaking finger and points accusingly.) You are cruel, you know that? Plain cruel.
Me: Aw, thanks. Clopin…once made out with an octopus. Ew…and I thought that Gringoire kid had animal issues.
Clopin: Who the **** makes out with OCTOPUSES?!! They're ****ing fishes for God's sake!!! (Another angry mom comes up and hits him for spewing vulgarities.) Argh!! Enough with the purse swatting, thank you very much!!!
Me: Clopin…he once showed kids how to eat their own heads! (Gasps incredulously.) You're worse than ever! (Moms are now poised with their handbags.)
Clopin: Ok, first, who can even eat their own heads?!!! I can't and if I could, wouldn't I be dead now?!!! How could I teach kids these things? I love kids…in a very un-sick way. (Moms now closing in on him. He leaps out and starts bolting for the exits.) Aw, screw this! I'm outta here!!!!
Me: Now you know Clopin…
Clopin: No, they don't!!!! HELP!!! I've got enraged moms on my ass!!!!
Me:…that pedophilic half jumping bean/half rainbow/half lunatic and half puppet who once taught kids how to eat their own heads and also how to make out with octopuses. Oh, and he thinks puppets are super lame!!
Clopin: NO, I ****ING DON'T!!! HELP!!!!
Me: Last and definitely least…ugh, Phoebus.
#5: Phoebus (Yes, he's last. Haha.)
Me: You know, I'm going to skip right to it. Because 1) Phoebus is not a star, he's a complete moron. 2) He's a blockhead and 3) He's a nincompoop. So, Phoebus…could never count to five.
Phoebus: Oh yeah…1, y, %, *, chicken, 5. Hah!!!
Me: (Rolls eyes at the utter stupidity.) What Esmeralda sees in you, I'll never know. Phoebus: A lot of things. She thinks I'm gorgeous. (Admires himself in mirror. I roll eyes at utter boastfulness.)
Me: Pride's a sin, my friend. Phoebus…thinks gypsies suck ass!!! That's right, Esme, he does!!! (Esmeralda storms in, crying angrily.)
Esmeralda: You jerk! And I loved you! Maybe I might just go with Frollo to Paris after all. Oh, Frollo…(Little does she know our dear minister is now hiding somewhere in the cathedral. Hiding away from all the sinful women.)
Phoebus: But pumpkin…the voice's lying. You know I love you!
Me: Don't believe him, Esme!! Go and run away with Frollo! Phoebus…just lost his girlfriend to a much hotter, much smarter and much more better performer than he will ever be. Hah, loser!! You failed epically.
Phoebus: Hey, I'm hot! I'm smart! I counted to 5, remember? (I roll eyes at previous stupidity.) And I am so a good performer.
Me: Sure…like you weren't purchasing Viagra on Feb 1st at that new adult novelties shop?
Phoebus: (Flushed and sweating terribly.) Um…who ever gave you that idea? (Whispers) Must throw away those damn receipts.
Me: Thought so. Phoebus…is going to get killed. (Gestures evilly towards the large hoard of Phoebus bashers whom are all armed with all sorts of torture devices. Phoebus's eyes widens and he immediately scurries for the exits.) Get him!!!!! (The hoard pile on top of Phoebus and begin clobbering him with all their madness and strength. I sit back while sipping from a fruity drink. You know, the ones with the umbrellas adorning the glasses.)
Me: Well, that's it. Hope you guys enjoyed it.
Phoebus: Help…me…please!!! (Raises hand feebly while pleading for assistance. I ignore him totally and walk off, thinking about what to write tomorrow.)
A/N: Well, hope you enjoyed the craziness. See you!