A.N: I might continue this and create Dan's point of view in another chapter, plus some stuff with Natalie and Gabe and such. More dialogue maybe. Anyways, this was written on the bus ride to New York to see N2N. I fixed it up a while after and here is the finished project! Enjoy.
She Keeps Her Love Away
"You aren't in my shoes, Dan. You could never see my point of view. Stop acting like we're the same person." The words flying from her mouth hurt him, it was clear that they stabbed his heart with a verbal knife. A piece of her took a sinful joy in seeing him crumble like this; the prospect of hurting her husband was almost delightful. Of course, she didn't always enjoy the pain radiating off of him. Sometimes she remembered the love that bonded them in the first place.
Gabriel.
It wasn't love for each other but rather the small child they had created together. Well, it wasn't that she hadn't fallen in love with Dan to begin with. When they met, Diana had needed a shoulder to rest on. Stress, complication with her coursework, it was all taking quite the toll on her fragile psyche. Dan, being the gentleman he was raised as, noticed her struggling and offered to take her out, to forget the harsh life she was leading for just a few hours. They shared two beers and a private kiss that she would never forget. The feeling of her heart swelling in her chest, cheeks flushed and mind racing, would never be forgotten. That was the truth of love, right there.
However, announcing she was pregnant had been the first step to dysfunctional yet hopeful family. Despite any emotional connection between the two, Di was not ready for a child. Through arguments and careful consideration, they agreed on a solution. The baby would be loved and cherished and, if not, they could always choose to put him or her up for adoption. As for marriage, well, neither had plans to make it into a large affair. Diana accepted the engagement on one condition – they could not, under any circumstances, tell her parents.
The marriage wasn't planned; it was a runaway vacation, technically. Together they packed a small bag and went to Portland, which she had allowed Dan to choose because, for some reason, he had always wanted to visit that terribly rainy portion of the world. She was silent on the way and, wanting to cheer her up, Dan bought a small bouquet of flowers. The gesture was sweet but made it far too real. They were getting married, eloping without the hassle of a dress, plans or family. As they signed the papers, Di began to wonder if this was going to end up ruining her life. No, their child kicked the inside of her tummy as if protesting. She would have a loving husband, a beautiful baby – she would deal with what was given to her. Other individuals had it worse.
The uniting of the newlyweds wasn't as difficult as telling their parents, which Diana figured they had to do eventually. She couldn't hide behind dresses and large shirts for long, not to mention the unthinkable marriage. Yes, they were old enough to make decisions on their own but they were still children. They were too young to raise a baby and far too young to be perfectly happy, their parents drilled it into their heads. Together they sat to complaints and arguments, hands clutching and waiting for the torture to end. Soon they could be happy, a perfectly loving family without the tricks of generations before them.
When the baby was born, everything clicked into place in her confused mind. Why her mother had such trouble dealing with her daughter, why Dan was so wonderfully perfect for her. This baby - this angelic creature, would cure everything that had gone wrong in her sorry life. Truly she believed this theory, not that she would ever explain to Dan how horrifyingly sorry her life had become.
Gabe was small, much too small to be considered healthy. For a few days he was held in the ICU and Diana was alone, terrified and angry with herself. Something had gone wrong and it was her fault! Her body had rejected this poor child and created some sort of problem. With sorrow and worry, Dan sat by her side every second of each day as she rested and anticipated her child. Still, Diana was alone…she would be alone until her baby boy was returned to her arms. Thankfully, her little blonde son was considered healthy enough to go home in only a couple of days!
The newborn's nursery was pale yellow with a white wooden crib and a small bookcase filled with Dr. Seuss and little books she had enjoyed as a child. Stuffed animals larger than her child, toys he probably wouldn't play with for years completed the tiny room she had slaved over for months. Her beautiful boy wasn't an easy sleeper and Diana was happy to dig out her old music box from when she was a child. It was the only thing that put her to sleep as a baby and, like mother like son; Gabe loved the soft melody as much as she had.
Every few weeks or so Gabe was sick and the worried parents rushed him to his pediatrician. Dan constantly consoled his wife, not taking a second to believe anything serious could be wrong. The doctors didn't think there was anything more than a reoccurring flu, why should they worry at all? Diana spent all of her time fawning over her child, a terrified mother protecting her young. When Gabe turned cold, Diana was the first to press him to her chest, the first to scream and understand and comprehend the situation. Denial was strong but she knew what was going to happen, she just didn't want to believe it.
When their baby was pronounced dead, Diana didn't speak to Dan for weeks. She was a silent spirit haunting their home, often sitting in the nursery where she would have held and fed her baby, playing the music box over and over again. He knew she would never be completely whole but she would get better. He had faith in the strong woman he married and, though it took a while, she pulled herself out of the slump to be considered a human. They slowly began to patch up their relationship, or what was left of it. Honestly, Gabriel's death killed off a large chunk inside of them both. They would never be whole again, but they would try.
When Diana announced she was pregnant for the second time, Dan had some form of naïve hope. She wanted to smack the hope out of him! It was ridiculous to assume everything would be fine with another baby. Nothing would be normal again! Diana would always mourn Gabe, even if this other child came into their lives. Dan assumed this would fix them completely but Diana knew the truth. This baby would never be loved by her, not completely anyways.
When Natalie was born, Diana was almost entirely lost in a world of confusion and anger. Unlike with Gabriel, her body did not reject this little girl. She was healthy, plump and had a little tuff of hair matching her father's. Dan was given the baby first, wrapped up in a white blanket and freshly cleaned by nurses. When he leaned over to hand Natalie to her mother, Diana turned her head away. She couldn't hold that child, not after what happened to her other baby, her darling boy. Nothing would fix the pain and loss. Not Natalie, not Dan. Only Gabe.
It was when she began to wish for his return that she began to see him again. His image rested with her years after Natalie was born. Whenever she couldn't bear to be around the annoyingly smart little girl, she stayed with her son. He was gorgeous as he grew, a perfect mixture of mother and father. Dan once asked who she was talking to when she thought she was alone in their bedroom. Her response was a simple 'no one'. Dan couldn't know her secret only because she wanted Gabe to herself. He never loved their child! He barely cared when they took their son to the doctors. So why let him know that their son was alive, hiding from his father and sister?
Therapy came and went, as did medication. Deep down she knew Gabriel wasn't alive but her desperation for her son to be there made it seem so wonderful and real. This fantasy was dangerous, the therapists told her. She could get hurt; mentally or physically if they didn't get to the center of the issue. Make Gabriel not real; make him a hallucination instead of something solid. Medication was their answer. Prescribe the crazy woman some pills to shut her up. The perfect American response to a middle-aged housewife going insane.
"Diana?" Dan had been arguing with a shell, a woman lost in her memories. "Are you okay? Di?" She finally looked up, staring into the face of a hopeful man. Just as hopeful as when Natalie was born, whenever she got a new dose of medication, whenever she didn't freak out when he came home. That hopeful look she hated.
"You have no idea who I am or what I've gone through."
And, honestly, he had no clue the amount of pain she lived with every, single day.