(My first ever FanFic, written back in 1997, saved from disappearing into oblivion)
OVERWHELMING EMOTIONS, by Vered Gilad
Series: TOS
Rating: PG for a few minor adult words (no graphic scenes whatsoever)
Special note: No romance
Short description: An ensign realizes that she is overreacting emotionally, but is she the only one?
Writer's Note:
If someone would have asked me to write a story about two or three years ago, I would have told that person "Yeah, right - and pigs will fly", so I was wondering myself what happened to me a few days ago when a strange unknown urge got me sitting in front of the computer, and writing my first ever (and possibly my last) fan-fiction. So having said that I would like people to bear in mind that I am no author, just a fan who suddenly needed to express herself. I am a novice at this, and although I would like comments (pats on my back, preferred) I would like them to take mercy on my poor soul.
Well, I hope that you will enjoy this.
Vered
*The* disclaimer:
What can I say, Paramount is the soul owner of Star Trek and its characters, so I shall not expect to earn anything out of this one. Well, it's not that I want to, anyway. I also salute The Great Bird of the Galaxy for creating this wonderful series and its so very loved characters.
Overwhelming Emotions
Sitting in her cabin, thinking if she ever did choose the right profession. The uniform lay on the bed. Well it wasn't exactly what she would have called 'laid'. It was a pile of something blue. She had just taken it off and thrown it on the bed.
I hate my mind for thinking too much she thought, and out aloud she said "Damn!". She couldn't hold the tears any longer. They fell, but she didn't cry loud. She couldn't live with the knowledge of people knowing her plight, and despair. She lay on the cot and cried herself to sleep.
She woke up with a start. The chronometer said 08:32 ship time.
"Shit!" she blurted. Her heart pounded at the thought that she had to face the shame of being late for duty. She was due on the bridge in one minute, and there was no way she was going to make it. Without any other options she called Uhura on the bridge and asked her to stay a few minutes longer. Uhura was surprised but didn't object.
"I have a few minor diagnostics I was intending to run on the system anyhow, so I might as well do those now. Don't worry. I'll cover for you, so you don't have to rush. I prefer my replacements calm and composed."
Bless Uhura she thought but I doubt that not rushing it would help me become more calm and composed.
With a very audible sigh, she turned the comm console off and went to the shower. She was ready in five minutes. Her hair, being curly, did not need much organizing. For once I can be grateful for my curly hair. Now, standing before her cabin door, she took a deep breath, put a calm look on her face and stepped out of the door.
The corridors weren't full. A few crewpersons walked by and she greeted them as she paced quickly towards the turbo-lift. She wanted to run like mad, but she had to appear 'calm and composed', or she would draw too much attention to herself. The lift doors did not open as she arrived. Well, Murphy is certainly doing his job today she thought. When a minute had passed and the lift still did not arrive she began thinking that something was wrong. Just as she was about to press the button on the comm console, and ask what was going on, the lift decided to come. Without wasting time she entered the lift, but she was not alone. Chekov and Sulu were on their way to their cabins after finishing their shift.
Chekov grinned. "Good evening Leela" he said, and Sulu followed with a polite "Ensign".
"Good evening" She replied. God, what an awkward moment. Why couldn't the lift be empty?. A few seconds of uncomfortable silence passed between them, when finally Chekov stated the obvious: "You are late for your shift".
Her eyes were on the verge of rolling, but of course she could not do this in front of the two officers. She decided to opt for the truth: "I know. I overslept, but, thank the Goddess, Uhura is such an angel, and was willing to cover for me".
Sulu examined her face closely: "Did you go to sleep late?".
Now she felt uncomfortable. Could he see that I had been crying last night? Are my eyes still swollen? But she remembered that she appeared quite 'normal' when she peered at her reflection in the mirror a few minutes before. "No. I guess I'm just more tired than usual" she said, and Chekov gave her a sympathetic look "Da, I know the feeling" to which she gave him a thankful smile.
Am I just imagining this, or is it taking me ages to reach the bridge today? She checked her chronometer, but not much time had passed. It was just one of these times when things happened to appear slower when you wanted them to move faster. The lift deposited Sulu and Chekov on their deck and swiftly moved to deposit her on the bridge. At the sound of the opening turbolift doors Uhura turned around from her console and gave her a little grin. Leela glanced towards the Captain's chair, but it was empty. A bit confused, she stepped down towards Uhura: "Who has the con?"
"Oh" said Uhura "I do".
Leela looked even more confused "Where's the second shift con officer?".
A young ensign from the science console replied "I'm here".
Leela recognized Mary Crane So, Crane's been chosen for this position after all. A cloud passed over her face, but realizing quickly that this might be detected she quickly recomposed herself I hope Uhura didn't notice, but Uhura was still engrossed with giving that diagnostic to the communication station. She almost let out a sigh of relief, but caught herself Now, *that* would be noticed, don't you think?.
After Uhura left the bridge, Leela sat at the console and tried to keep track of the various communication traffic going around the ship. It didn't take long for her thoughts to wander elsewhere. She was remembering her final year of Starfleet academy, while she and Crane were cramming for the final examinations.
They had both chosen the communication field, but she had always been better than Crane. Well, Leela always remembered being more technical than the average person. She ended helping Crane in every step of the way, and Crane had a lot to thank her for graduating. She wasn't stupid, she was just not cut for communications. They should have screened her out of the department right at the start Leela thought.
When they were both studying for the last exam, Crane suddenly looked up from the chart she was memorizing, and said "Leela, I'm just kidding myself here".
Leela remembered looking up from the book she was reading, not comprehending what Crane was aiming at "What are you talking about?! We've gone over this so many times. I know you know this material" Leela said.
"Oh, Leela, you cannot coax me all my life. I'm not cut for this job."
"Well, great time for you to figure that out" but after she said it, Leela was sorry. Crane didn't expect that reaction.
"I'm sorry" Leela said.
"No, don't be. You're so right. I knew this all along. It's just that Mom was so keen on me following in her footsteps".
Leela did feel sorry for her. She had always known that communication was her field, and she would have pursued it even if she were not accepted to Starfleet.
In the end, Crane decided to change to command school. She remained one more year in the academy, while Leela was assigned to the Enterprise. One year later, Leela was surprised to find the Crane had also joined the Enterprise crew. She was one of the relief helmsmen, as appropriate for any command officer.
Now, though, she couldn't help but feel envy. No, it was more like terrible jealousy. *What* is going on with you she told herself. You are a friend of Crane's. You were never cut for command. Everybody is different, but however hard she tried, she could not shake these nasty feelings, and it was no surprise that she responded with an angry "What?!" when Crane called her name.
"Leela, are you listening to what I'm saying?"
Hah? "I'm sorry sir" She felt resent rise in her when she called Crane 'sir'.
"Could you repeat it, please?".
Crane looked at her rather impatiently "We need Mr. Spock on the bridge. He has asked us to contact him once the analysis he was running had finished"
Leela didn't need to be told any further. She was playing the console just as good as Uhura did, and immediately got Spock on the comm, apprised him of the situation, which he acknowledged.
She was annoyed at herself, for getting lost in her thoughts while on duty. Maybe I should ask for some leave, get my thoughts organized she thought. But that would mean having to explain to her superiors that she was experiencing personal difficulties, and they might give her permanent leave. No, I can't start with this whole thing again. I have to stay alert, otherwise I'll slip again, and *that* would draw someone's' attention.
The whoosh of the turbolift doors brought her out of her current reverie. Mr. Spock, all crisp and ready for work, as if he had never awoken from a good night's sleep in the middle of the night about five minutes ago, stepped on the bridge. Crane jumped up "Would you like to assume command, sir?" she chirped.
Spock turned towards her "It will not be necessary, ensign. I am only here to check the results of my analysis".
Suddenly Leela felt such huge hatred for the first officer. It was absurd. She wanted to shout at him. No, she wanted to punch the sunlight out of him Get-a-grip-on-your-self She ordered in her mind, and at that moment Spock suddenly turned towards her, and she could unmistakably note the surprise in his face. Leela turned around quickly. He couldn't have heard that. Oh Goddess, I hope he couldn't feel that. She didn't turn around again, and she hoped to her dear Goddess that she won't need to do so, yet, she couldn't brush her unusual feelings. Maybe I should ask for that leave, after all she thought.
Spock was about to move towards the science station when the uncontrolled feeling of rage hit him. It was like a blast, and he felt he would have surely keeled over had he not been holding the back of the command chair. He looked behind him, at the direction that the hateful thoughts emanated from. Ensign Leela Gray. Could she be the source of such hate? The answer came with the swiftness with which she turned back to her console. Spock gained his equilibrium back, and was now pondering on what had just happened. He filed that thought to be retrieved later on. He should discuss this with McCoy. At the moment, the analysis was much more urgent and needed his complete attention. He could not spare the time to check this interference.
The rest of the shift was uneventful. Leela's thoughts did wander from time to time, but she managed to hold herself together. Spock had left the bridge after about an hour of analysis running, and did not look at her again after the incident. She hoped that it was all forgotten.
Damn that Vulcan. Can't hide a thing from him. She was glad to see Uhura the next day. She smiled a weary smile to which Uhura responded with a pat on the back. She rose from her seat, left various instructions for Uhura, and then headed for the lift. As the lift doors opened she heard steps behind her. She entered the lift and turned towards the person which approached her. It was Crane.
Crane smiled at her, and suddenly Leela couldn't understand why she was so jealous of her before.
"Boring shift, Heh?" Crane said.
"Yeah, but what did you expect from the second shift." Leela replied.
"Do you think that someone decided on this rule that all the unexplained, and unexpected events always occur during the day shift?" Crane asked.
"Dunno. Sure seems so" and they laughed.
"C'mon Leela, lets go to the mess hall and grab a bite".
Leela looked up, and a few seconds passed until she finally replied "Sure. Why not".
After breakfast, or dinner, as it could have been viewed, Leela bid goodbye to Crane and went to her cabin. She was off duty now for 48 hours. There were two second shift replacements, as it was considered a rougher shift. Uhura had day replacements who came in every time she had some other activity to take care of, but she was expected to be on the bridge on a daily basis. Chief of communications was no easy job. It demanded constant alertness of a very high level. The more hectic shift of the morning kept the communications officer more on his or her toes most of the time, but it was well known that the second shift was slower and thus there was a stronger tendency to not paying attention all of the time.
By the time she reached her cabin Leela realized how drained she was. She sat down on her bunk and thought about what had happened. Spock couldn't have known it was me, now, could he? But she knew that he did, and strong feelings of butterflies in her belly almost made her sick. You've got to calm down! People feel hate and anger all the time. It's not your fault that the Vulcan felt it.
But she did think it was odd. Spock was known as a touch-telepath. She was not aware of his ability to read a mind from a distance. The sick feeling was beginning to ease. She got up, stretched and went to the shower. A small peep in the mirror confirmed that she was definitely tired. I'd better sleep this off, and it will hopefully go she told herself.
She had just gotten into bed and ordered the lights off, when the chime at her door rang. She thought it could have been Jamie, her partner. They shared the room, but Jamie worked the day shift in astrophysics.
"Who is it?" she asked.
"Leela, sorry to bother you" said Crane from the other side of the door, and Leela thought What now?
"Can I come in? "said a rather anxious Crane.
Well, she might as well let her in. "Yes" and the door open at her request.
The moment the door closed behind her, Crane started talking, but Leela couldn't really understand what she was saying.
"Leela"
"Oh"
"I don't know"
"What do you think?"
"Oh".
Leela got out of bed and went towards Crane who was standing in the middle of the room. She pulled her towards the bed and got her to sit down.
"Are you alright?" she asked.
"Huh?" an anguished Crane looked up at her.
"Oh. Yes, yes, I've never been better" Crane replied.
"So do you mind telling me why you're talking in such an incoherent fashion?" Leela said, a little impatient. Did she feel that resentment come back?
Crane looked up, a bit surprised, and Leela felt herself going back to that other unkind remark she said to Crane on that day in the academy. She wasn't aware of her ability to be so brusque at times.
But Crane immediately recollected herself. "You're right" she said. "I'm just babbling. It's just that something wonderful has happened and I'm both delighted and worried at the same time".
When Leela didn't say a word, Crane took it as a sign to continue and so she did "After I left you for my cabin, I found a message on my terminal from Mr. Sulu. He had requested me to come and talk with him on the bridge. So when I got there he asked the Captain to excuse us and took me to the briefing room".
Leela was beginning to feel impatient, but she waited silently for Crane to get it over with.
"Leela, He asked me to become a day relief for him!" she almost shouted it with such joy.
It was then that Leela felt such a lump in her throat. She wanted to congratulate Crane, to tell her how happy she was for her, but all she could do was sit and stare. She was unable to say a single kind word.
Crane was waiting for some form of response. She obviously did not expect the silent treatment that Leela was giving her.
"Well?" Crane said, but Leela seemed to be staring at some unknown point in the wall.
"LEELA - did you hear what I just told you?"
I did thought Leela I'm happy for you thought Leela. Crane shook Leela with the hope of getting some response, and at that moment Leela got up and quickly ran to the bathroom. She threw up and began to cry.
Crane was pounding on the door.
"Leela!"
"LEELA! - are you alright?"
Crane could hear the audible sound of vomiting, and was quite worried. She did not expect such a reaction to her news. Maybe Leela wasn't feeling well to start with. "Leela, I'm coming in. You need help, OK?" she said.
Leela managed to break her crying long enough to tell Crane that she was alright, and had probably eaten something rotten. But Crane wouldn't give up.
"Leela, we only eat synthesized food. It can't go bad. C'mon, let me in."
Leela got up from the floor and washed her face. She tried to look as presentable as possible. She had really messed things up now. She opened the bathroom door and stared at Crane's distraught face. She gave her a smile, and was amazed to see the immediate change that that little gesture made on Cranes face.
"I'm sorry" Leela said.
"I'm really glad for you. Are you still going to man the helm and con in the second shift?"
Crane was still not over what had just transpired, and was a bit overwhelmed at how easily Leela moved on as if nothing had happened.
"Leela, are you alright?"
"I told you, I wasn't feeling too well. It's over now, so you don't have to worry about it. Anyhow, you didn't answer my question." she said and looked at Crane expectantly.
Crane wasn't quite sure what to do about this, but seeing that Leela was holding her own, decided to let it go for now.
"Second shift, ummm, I have to discuss the exact details with Mr. Sulu. He'll be briefing me later on this day."
After about another quarter of an hour Crane left, although she did give a final glance at Leela behind her back as Leela's cabin doors were closing behind her. As soon as Crane left, Leela dropped like a log on the bed. She was asleep in a matter of seconds.