Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
She had tried. She really had. But it wasn't easy. After Logan had found her nearly dead no one trusted her. Now that they finally did she was alone in her room. Only she didn't want to be alone. She wanted to be distracted. All she could do was dwell on it, what had made her start, and the memories of actually doing it. It was like her cuts opening all over again. Only this time it didn't help.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
She was so confused. Why her? First her parents, then her skin, then Magneto, then Scott saying he loved her even though she knew she'd always be his second choice, then Bobby cheating, and now this. Why couldn't they have let her have the one thing that always helped?
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
She couldn't do it again, she couldn't. She didn't even know why she did anymore, why she wanted to, why she wouldn't talk to anyone. Still, she knew it wasn't right. She had to stop, at least get through tonight. But she couldn't talkto anyone about it. So she curled up in a ball on her bed, and tried to think of something else.
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
It was so bad. She couldn't think of anything but cutting. She noticed the corner on the bedpost, they corner of the mirror, the back edge of Kitty's earrings. She noticed anything remotely sharp. And God did she want to see the blood, feel that high again.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
She really did not want this. That's what she was trying to convince herself.She didn't want anything bad to happen again, to her or anyone. Because this was what it always came down to. Choosing between two kinds of pain. And she always chose physical pain, the one she could control. Now it seemed like it was too late to change that pattern.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
This would never end. She had to do it again. But she couldn't. Why did it always turn out this way? Why? Maybe she was insane. Insanity would explain how hard it was to quit. But she didn't really believe that she was crazy.
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
She grabbed her knife from a drawer and carved in the walls. It was the best she could do. It wasn't enough, though. Then she left her room. Scott. Scott was always good at listening. She'd talk to Scott. A little voice in the back of her head protested, told her no one would have to know if she cut again. Look how long she'd done it before Logan found out. And now he was gone again... No, Rogue told herself firmly. She'd talk to Scott.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
to show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So, I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
"Scott?" Her voice was shaky and scared, even to her. How was she going to explain?
"Rogue? Are you ok?" He was concerned. Somehow, that made her slightly less nervous. He'd listen to her if nothing else. He'd try to help.
"I… I was wondering if I could… if I could talk to you."
"Of course you can. What is it?" He was nervous. There was an unvoiced question, and she might as well answer it.
"I didn't do it again." He relaxed, although it was clear he tried not to show it.His attempts were useless. "Um, the thing is… well, that sort of is what I want to talk to you about." He was clearly confused. "It's just… I don't even know why, but I still want to do it. I can't stop thinking about it. I know it's not good, but I can't help it. All I notice in a room is the sharp objects. I see a corner and wonder if it could make me bleed." Her voice was on the verge of breaking, and she knew she'd start crying soon. He didn't look much better. "I… I don't know what to do anymore, I'll never be able to stop if something doesn't change, but it can't because I don't know what's wrong." The tears were falling now, and apparently he was dealing with some inner conflict. A muscle in his jaw twitched. "I don't even know what's wrong," she sobbed, and he scooped her into his arms, rubbing her back and saying it was ok, that he'd help her through it. And she wanted so badly to believe him. She wasn't sure if she believed him, but for now she had to. If she'd been looking she'd have seen a tear fall from under his visor. He didn't know if he could do anything, but he'd try to help her, to make everything ok again. Even if no one knew if it was possible. He had to believe it was, because he had to believe Rogue could be alright again. If she ever had been.