Disclaimer: Do I own Harry Potter? I wish!
Lily stood absolutely still, hardly daring to breathe as she stared at her wand clutched so tightly in her hand that she could feel her fingernails digging into her palm. Any second now, she thought, eyes fixed on the wand; if nothing happens—
Just then, a quick gasp escaped her lips, as a tiny red ball of light issued forth from the tip of her wand and wavered in the air near her head, casting a ghostly red light over her pale face. She felt her heart beat violently against her ribs as the ball of light slowly faded leaving her breathless with too many new hopes and impressions, under the bright light in the bathroom.
Lily finally loosened her grip on the wand, the dents in her palm throbbing slightly, and lowered her arm which had been resting on her abdomen. She blinked at her own reflection in the mirror. For the first time in several weeks, she could clearly see all the changes that had come over her physical features, something that was not very pleasing in particular, but yet unnoticed in the light of the excessive tension she had been surrounded with lately. Her eyes were tired, with deep purple shadows underneath almost like the ones she'd had while giving her NEWTs—only, these were worse. Her face was a ghostly pale, beads of sweat lingering all over, her long, dark hair was messier than she would have liked and to her utmost dismay, she noticed a distinct single gray hair perched conspicuously over her forehead. All these long weeks of strain and apprehension, not to mention being locked up altogether, had finally shown its effects.
Now however, something quite new and different had added itself to Lily's features and that was a hint of a smile. Her full lips curved upwards as she brought one trembling hand up to her belly and placed it gingerly over there, fearful that whatever was growing inside was frail enough to perish at the slightest touch.
Yes, she thought happily, for something was growing there, which effectively explained her sudden dizziness during the past few days coupled with the horrid temperamental state she'd been in, snapping at her husband frequently and leaving him all alone to deal with the baby while she herself grumbled and claimed that she was tired. But the guilt wasn't strong enough to mask the grin on her face. She fingered the hem of her shirt for a moment and the lifted it gently to reveal her flat stomach to the mirror—or was it completely flat? Was she really imagining a slight bulge to it or was it really there? A nervous laugh escaped her lips, another thing that hadn't shown itself for days, as she realised that that couldn't be true. Nevertheless she placed her shirt back down and felt her belly to make sure. Nope, no bulge yet.
She looked up again to see a flush of crimson that had crept into her cheeks, reminding her of her days back at Hogwarts which seemed centuries away, even though it had just been four years, and of the days just after she'd passed out. She had been a completely different person then, one who would laugh often or sing absently or become absolutely paranoid if she'd spotted a gray hair on her head at such a young age. But now those waves of nostalgia didn't make her feel low in any way, for there was only hopes in her mind and her eyes regained some of the light they'd lost.
Was this all a dream? Lily didn't think so, but somehow, it seemed unusual, unnatural even that such happiness should greet her way at the moment—when all seemed lost and fear of death haunted them all day long. Weren't they supposed to remain miserable the whole time? Surely they weren't allowed such joy? Well, it certainly seemed not. The doubts and fears were slowly fading, replacing themselves with mental images of her telling James. And also Remus, Sirius, Peter, Mary...everyone! She didn't care about their differences—she knew that everyone would be overjoyed to hear the news, even Remus who she refused to believe, for one moment, could be a spy. The whole thing was absolutely ridiculous and she was sure that he wouldn't be any less delighted than the rest. Perhaps, he could even be the Godfather—yes, that seemed perfect, and nobody could convince her otherwise.
Little beads of tears formed at her startling green eyes, which made her mind stray to another subject. Perhaps the child would have James's eyes this time, but her dark hair—maybe, maybe it would be a beautiful little girl—
"Lily, are you in there?"
James's voice brought her back to reality at once. The happiness slowly began to ebb away as she realised that there was a nervous and tired edge to his tone, probably due to her persistent bad mood over the past few days. All the same old worries and fears flooded back into her mind, now also coupled with guilt and the light in her eyes vanished as quickly as it had shone. She rubbed off her tears and washed her face quickly before replying, "Yes, just a minute." After dabbing a towel to her face, she stepped outside the bathroom to face a tall, thin man with messy black hair and round glasses leaning against the doorway to their bedroom, a slightly morose look on his face. He wasn't alone— in his arms, fast asleep, was a little baby boy with black hair as well, his tiny arms wrapped tightly around his father's neck.
"I got him to sleep," he said warily, in the same tired voice, which strengthened the guilt in Lily's heart. She stared at her husband, who, like her, had developed dark circles under his eyes and acquired a thin, slightly gaunt look on his handsome features. But Lily had never seen him like that before, during NEWTs or otherwise. The playful and arrogant carelessness had long vanished, leaving behind a man way older than his actual twenty-one years. His face had imbibed a sense of maturity, again something that was never there before. He was wearing a loose navy blue sweater that she'd gifted him last year, which seemed to hang off his body. All this was enough to set Lily off and without warning, she burst into tears.
James, who had obviously wanted to please Lily, looked on in horror as he sauntered forward, "What? What?"
Lily shook her head and tried her best to stop crying in front of her husband. However, the tears wouldn't stop; all the pent up anxiety and pain she'd held in for the past few weeks was gushing out all at once. The harder she tried to stop, the more waves of sobs came, until she was shaking.
"Lily!" James laid his son on the bed and hurried to his wife. Putting one hand lightly on her cheek, he gave her a concerned look, but failed to mask his distress; it seemed as if he'd prepared himself for the worst. He was obviously dreading bad news of some kind, for Lily seldom cried openly like that for no reason at all.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt? Did—tell me please," he begged.
"N-nothing," Lily managed to choke out between her uncontrollable sobs.
"What?" James's voice was faint.
"It's nothing, I—" She couldn't continue as her voice was trembling, so she slowly slid her arms around James's torso, burying her head into his chest. His arms were around her instantly, but she could still feel his bewilderment because his body had tightened and his heart was thumping loudly.
"Why are you crying then?"
"I don't know," her voice was muffled.
"You don't know," he repeated, sighing. He seemed to have nothing more to say, so he just held on to her tightly, waiting patiently for her faded sobs to subside completely, which they did, after a short while.
"Well?" he ventured, tentatively, "what did I do this time?"
Lily was quiet for a moment, ashamed of her outburst. She couldn't bring herself to look into James's eyes so she remained in her position. She should not have broken down in front of him; he already had enough to deal without her having vicious mood swings at random moments. Why did it even happen, she wondered. She'd been feeling so ridiculously happy only seconds ago, and even now she felt much better than she'd felt in weeks, months even. They were going to have a baby for God's sake! And yet somehow, those horrible thoughts kept creeping back into her mind.
"I'm afraid, James," she croaked after a long time and felt a light weight leave her head—he'd lifted his chin from there. "So terribly afraid."
"Afraid?" he said, but seemed to relax a little, "Of what?"
At this, Lily wriggled free of his grasp and looked up at him, one eyebrow raised.
His face was blank for a moment, but then comprehension dawned on him and a little hint of a smile crept in, reminding Lily of a certain young prankster she'd once fallen in love with, centuries ago.
"Yeah okay," he muttered, "That was stupid."
Lily gave him a thin-lipped smile and walked away towards the bed, James staring after her. She extended her arms and lifted little Harry in them, who was still fast asleep in spite of all the noise.
"Sorry about that, I didn't mean to scare you," she told James softly.
"But what was it about?" he asked, puzzled, "Did you get bad news?"
"No, nothing like that," she said, frowning slightly, "I'm not sure why it happened. I just—well, I suddenly noticed how thin you are and, and...well, everything just, sort of, hit me—especially the way I've been acting the past few days, I know it's not fair, I just can't...you know..." her voice trailed off.
James blinked and looked down at his tear-stained sweater, and then he twisted his body so that he could examine his back as well. He then looked up at his wife and said in disbelief, "That's it?"
Lily sighed and shrugged apologetically.
"Blimey Lily!" James took a deep breath and then flung himself down on the bed, running his hand through his hair, something he did at all times, thought Lily. "You gave me such a fright!" he continued, "I thought someone had died or something." He paused. "Although I didn't see an owl leave," he added, looking around, as though hoping to spot one now.
"Sorry," she repeated and began to proceed towards the door. She stopped midway however, and turned towards him, "Actually," James looked at her, "I really have some good news."
"What's that?"
"You'll see," she gave him a mysterious smile and left the room, leaving him to his confused thoughts.
oOo
31 October, 4:06 am
Lily glanced at the phoenix shaped clock Dumbledore had gifted them last Christmas and smiled. So it had been a dream. But not exactly unreal, she thought. She smiled to herself in the darkness and tried to remember her dream. It was refreshingly different from the ones she'd been having lately which always made her break out in cold sweat. This one did not have any screaming nor was it filled with dead bodies, for once.
It was rather simple—a scene from Christmas Eve where she held her little daughter in her arms, watching James infuriate Harry by levitating his presents out of reach. One day, she hoped, she might actually witness it herself. Breathing a sigh of contentment, she snuggled closer to James and fell asleep in a second, somehow sure that this child would be a girl. Of course, she knew the charm to make sure, but she just knew.
oOo
"Wow Harry," James said in mock surprise, "Mum sure seems happy today. Did you learn to do Cheering charms already?"
Harry giggled loudly, merely at James's dramatic tone and expression, not having understood a single thing he just said.
"Oh be quiet," said Lily happily, tossing the contents of her frying pan expertly.
"And why Muggle style cooking today, may I ask?"
"No you may not," she replied good-naturedly as she hurried over to him and tipped the contents onto his plate.
"That smells good," he said, "Oh no, you don't!" he cried as Harry, with a shrill cry of delight, tried to reach out to the plate. James pushed it away and wagged his finger at his son, "You stay right there, mister. I just spent an hour trying to get you to eat your food, and now you eye mine? How dare you!"
Harry blinked at him and the next moment, made a lunge for his glasses. James drew back instantly, but he was a second too late and groaned, "Not again!" as the glasses shattered over the floor.
"Reparo!" said Lily, swishing her wand and returned the glasses to him. She bent down to take Harry in her arms, who was now laughing like anything, and said sternly, "You, sonny, are in trouble!"
"Yeah," said James, putting his glasses back on, "this is getting out of hand."
"You-stop-knocking-Daddy's-glasses-over!" said Lily in a sing-song voice. James pretended to vomit into his plate.
"That's 'trouble'?" he said, incredulously, "Add something like: 'or else I'll smack your little Potter arse until you've learnt your lesson.' Come on!"
"James!" cried Lily, shocked, "don't say that in front of him!"
"What? Wait till his kid does that to him, I'd like to see his face then," said James making a face at Harry.
Lily laughed, "You don't even know if he'll need glasses!"
"But of course I do!"
"How?"
James shrugged, "I just do."
Lily raised her eyebrows and gave a little appreciative pout, "I see." She went over to next room, leaving James to himself and seated herself in an armchair, Harry on her lap. She wondered how on earth she should break the news to James. The entire morning, she'd hummed and smiled at nothing in particular, making him fairly suspicious but she was sure he didn't guess anything. He was probably just glad that finally her sour mood was gone.
But even while she was simply giddy with joy, a little thorn of dread was constantly pricking at her happy bubble as though it wouldn't rest until it was successful in bursting it. Yes, she was still afraid, she was terrified. Something didn't feel quite right; surely something or the other would go wrong and destroy the whole thing. She couldn't see how, but that did not brush away the sense of foreboding.
"Ouch!" she cried as she received a sharp smack on her nose with Harry's fist. Apparently, he wasn't pleased with her lack of attention.
"You have to learn some manners," she told him sternly, "Don't you want to set a good example for your sister?"
Harry gurgled, wriggling in her arms.
"You'll be a great brother, I'm sure," she told him, or rather herself as his attention had now turned to her wand which was sticking out of her pocket.
"Harry, you're going to have a baby sister," she squeaked, feeling a little constriction in her throat, "I wonder if she'll be devoted to you, or whether you'll bicker all the time." Images of an untidy black haired boy helping a little girl with hazel eyes mount a bicycle, both of them fighting for the last piece of cookie, herself and James and a weeping girl waving goodbye to Harry as he rode away in the Hogwarts Express flashed in her mind, bringing with them such a vast wave of pure bliss that even that little prick of uneasiness was blocked out and she closed her eyes, smiling widely.
Until a loud bang made them snap open.
Heart beating loudly, Lily watched in dismay as the coffee table transformed into a big fat duck which immediately started quacking loudly and flapping its wings at top speed, making the little culprit convulse into yet another laughing fit, wand still clutched in his tiny untrained yet apparently lethal fist.
"What in the name of Merlin's—" James stopped as soon as he entered the room to see the source of the commotion. Lily quickly snatched the dangerous object from her son's hand and with one casual flick, restored the table, now covered in feathers. James's expression was a mixture of utmost exasperation and amusement; his son seemed to be exactly like himself, which he wasn't sure was something easy to handle.
Lily broke the silence, which wasn't really a silence as Harry hadn't stopped laughing at all and said, "I'm sorry, I was lost in my own world, I...STOP LAUGHING!"
But Harry wouldn't listen, and in spite of herself, Lily's heart melted at the sound of pure innocent laughter, the most beautiful sound in the world. And soon, there would be another one joining it.
"Alright, young man," said James, getting over his shock and amusement, "One more accident, and I'm sending you to Uncle Vernon, do you understand me?"
"James!" began Lily indignantly, but stopped as she realised that the beautiful sound was gone. Something in James's tone made Harry stare blankly at his father, as though seeing something completely new, and not particularly pleasant.
They stared at one another for a moment until James muttered, "Well, well, we've finally found his weak point!"
And Lily, who would have normally told James off for making casual jokes about his sister's family, for once, forgot about everything and laughed, "I think you might just be right."
oOo
"Oh look, Snuffles is back."
James looked up as a little black cat strolled into the room with an air of immense importance. She proceeded to her mistress and jumped up on her lap, closing her eyes as Lily started stroking her absently. She purred softly.
Harry, who was seated beside his father, looked at the cat enviously and James, sensing trouble, immediately pulled out his wand which captured Harry's attention at once—he loved the long stick that made so many funny things happen around him.
"Here you go," said James as he started conjuring little colourful rings of smoke, which made Harry yelp with glee as he tried to grab them with his hands.
"He's such a cheerful kid, isn't he?" observed Lily fondly.
"A little too much, I'd say," said James, but he was smiling, "We shouldn't pamper him so...he'll turn out to be a spoilt little brat."
"Oh yeah?" said Lily, her eyes twinkling, "That's rich, coming from you!"
"Hey!" replied James, pretending to be greatly hurt, "Harry, mum's being mean to me!" But Harry was too busy looking at the pretty lights to notice.
Lily was silent for a while, as she kept stroking Snuffles. It had been weeks since they'd laughed and joked like this. All these months, she'd never realised how miserable their life had become—how every bit of happiness had been sucked out as though by a gigantic dementor. This was the time, she decided, she had to tell James—even the tiny flicker of fear in her heart had left.
Harry was now yawning.
"Bed," she told him at once, putting Snuffles down gently and picking him up in her arms. He clung to her neck tightly and settled his head on his mother's shoulder, perfectly content to sleep there itself. She was about to leave, when she stopped and said, "James?"
"Hmm?" He was vaguely staring at the remnants of the smoky rings he'd created.
"I," her heart's pace was increasing steadily, "need to tell you something—important."
He turned to face her, "Is this the good news you were talking about?"
She nodded, a meaningful smile lingering at her lips.
James frowned at first and the next minute, his eyes widened a little and comprehension seeped into his expression, his cheeks turning slightly pink. He opened his mouth and closed it again, without saying a single word. "Wait—you...are you?" he managed to splutter.
"I'll be back," said Lily and withdrew, glad that he'd figured it out himself without her having to actually say it.
"Okay," his voice was full of suppressed joy.
She heard him get up and stretch before she left the room, shutting the door behind her and she was just about to climb up the stairs when she knew.
The whole thing happened within seconds and she never had the opportunity to figure out how each millisecond had turned into hours as if someone had cast an extension charm upon time. All she remembered was a little disturbance in the air, Snuffles stiffening, her hairs at their ends and the tail right up—she felt goose bumps erupt on her hands as she broke into cold sweat, heart beating thunderously against her chest and only one feeling—panic.
The charm was broken.
The only thing that was protecting them —gone. Gone. They were ruined. They would be killed. James, Harry and—her heart clenched painfully—her daughter. There was no time to think—they had to apparate—quick, but she couldn't remember where she'd kept her wand. Tears were now streaming down her cheeks and she wasn't even aware of them. How could she have been so foolish, as to let her guard down for even once? What were they going to do?
Never mind, an urgent voice in her head spoke up, James has his wand—go, hurry! Everything will be fine! Just run!
Barely had she turned to go back, when she heard it. Those last words from the man she'd loved, the man she'd thought she'd raise her children with, the man she was supposed to grow old with...
"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off — "
Adrenaline surged inside her as she headed for the stairs at top speed, clutching Harry with all her strength, biting her lip until it bled, to stop wailing and screaming at the top of her voice.
But even her thundering footsteps weren't loud enough to muffle the sound of a high cold laughter and the unmistakable thud of James Potter hitting the floor, sad and lifeless, just like that.
~Fin~
A/N: Yeah, I don't know what to say about this...I was just really sad the other day and this was produced as a result...so I thought I'd post it on the 31st...
I haven't posted anything for quite a long time...I'm just so busy and yet at the end of the day, I seem to have done nothing really...it's terribly frustrating...
Anyway, so I'm glad I could post this one. Happy Halloween and tell me what you think :):)