Prologue: Definition of Perfection
"Ahhhh-ahhhh" Another scream echoes through the night, bouncing off the walls. I clap a hand over my mouth to muffle the next one that bubbles up in my throat like the beast that I sound like, clawing its way out. I won't let them escape my lips, won't let them-
Shut up, Carly and focus! Do you want Spencer to hear your pathetic wails and find you like this? Ana scolds furiously. Ana, the only person who stays when all others abandon me, the only one who understand my suffering, the pain starvation brings so frequently, constantly, coming back like a boomerang. But I don't try and stop it. This is the consequence of my actions, the actions I have chosen willingly.
I suppose I do like frightful in the darkness of my bathroom like this. The door is locked tight to help drown out my miserable sobs as I curl up in this- as Ana would say- pathetic ball on the cold, cold tile. Oh, it is so cold. My body has been incapable of conserving heat lately, I am never warm, never satisfied. Never regretting this even for a second.
Ana has promised time and time again that this will make me finally satisfied with myself. No more having to scowl and feel hopeless and discouraged every time I look in the mirror. It may be unbearable torture now but it will pay off in the long run. I will walk away a winner, victorious and skinny.
At least, - a wave of nausea sweeps over me like a tsunami despite the fact that there is nothing left in my stomach to lose- if I can make it through tonight.
Strong is perfection. Ana reminds me. Ana is my definition of perfection. She'll suffer with me, give me the body I so desperately crave like a breath of fresh air, like a life source.
Oh, Ana don't leave me.