There are days she knows exactly who she is. She is Veronica Mars, girl detective. Veronica Mars, girlfriend of Duncan Kane, best friend of the deceased Lilly Kane, and daughter of the former sheriff. These days, everything is fine. Everything is good. But there are other days. Days when things are not as clear. Days when all the good intentions go straight to hell.
The first time it happened, she can't even remember how it got to that point. To having her pressed against a wall with her panties shoved down around her ankles and the boy who wasn't her sweet almost perfect boyfriend with his hand between her thighs. She can't remember how she ended up with him inside her, thrusting and staring into her eyes while making her come harder than she ever imagined was possible. She remembers the end though. She remembers pulling her clothes back on in the silence, while he watched her with those dark eyes of his. She remembers saying that she must have lost her mind, and that it wouldn't happen again. She remembers the look in his eyes, the one that said, "Tell yourself whatever you need to, baby, but you know you'll be coming back for more."
It happens again.
Again, and again, until her life is a roller coaster of emotions. She separates the days in her mind. Tries to make it so that on certain days, she is just Veronica Mars, the same girl she's always been. It's the other days, though, that are eating away at her, until she's so confused about who she is that she can barely look at herself in the mirror anymore. It's the other days that are making her hate herself, even as she goes back for more. And more. It's killing her. She can feel it, slowly eating away all that is pure in her life. But she can't stop. She can't stay away. And every time she says it's the last time, he laughs.
Every day he knows exactly who he is. Logan Echolls, trust fund kid, son of the famous Aaron Echolls, who murdered his childhood girlfriend. Best friend of Duncan Kane, and ex-boyfriend of Veronica Mars.
The first time it happened, he knows what he's doing the entire time. He remembers every second of it. First the argument in the locker room of the deserted gym where they were sniping at each other, it escalating into an all out war, until finally it was either shove her against the wall and kiss her, or kill her. He remembers sliding his hands under her shirt, unsnapping her bra. He remembers her hands pulling his shirt off, unbuttoning his jeans. He very clearly remembers pushing down her panties, stroking her with his fingers. And he remembers pushing into her, hard and fast. It all turns different colors in his memory. White hot pleasure, blue eyes, red haze coming down over his eyes. Then his mind goes blank for a moment, almost as if at the ultimate moment it was almost too much for his mind to comprehend. And the end. He remembers the end. Her face, flushed. Her eyes wide. And her lips, as she said the words, "I must have been insane. This won't happen again." But looking at her, he knew. She'd be back.
And she was.
Veronica notices that the days are starting to bleed into each other. It's becoming hard to separate the days when she knows who she is from the days when the dark takes over. She ends too many of them staring at her ceiling, trying to figure out exactly how it happened again. How she ended up in the back of Logan's SUV, or why she let him in when he knocked on her bedroom window. She wants to blame him, tell herself that it's him who starts it each time.
It's a lie. She starts it most of the time. She'll see him watching her, and that tingle starts. The one that can't be stopped, even when Duncan has his arms around her. She hates that tingle. She hates herself. She wants to hate Logan, but she can't.
When it happens, it's so simple it's almost beautiful, in an awful way. The tragedy of hurting someone who did nothing but love her. The look on his face when he walks into the poolhouse. The betrayal of so many years of friendship. Such a cliche, she thinks. The rage that follows from Duncan. The silence from Logan. The tears from Veronica. When she looks back on this day, many years later, it's the day that stands out. The day when the two days combined. The dark and the light becoming one.
It all ends with a sigh. A sigh from Logan, standing on the beach. Months after the day when it came out, he looks at her. He whispers the words "I love you." And walkes away.
She knows who she is now. Most days, it's too hard to think about, but it's always there. Veronica Mars, girl detective. Best friend of the deceased Lilly Kane. Ex-girlfriend of Duncan Kane. Ex-lover of Logan Echolls. The girl who drove away two men, without even trying. And now all she does is wait. Wait for the days to become light again.
Some days she thinks, All I have to do is ask, and he'll come back. But the fear of the dark taking over completely, the days never returning to light, is too strong. The words won't come.
Sometimes she thinks, Maybe someday.
Maybe someday.