à FEATURING SETO, RYOUJI & JOUNOUCHI! ß

Thank you so much for the reviews, everybody! And since you've all been all kind in your appraisal to my work, I'm writing another song fic… this one is really messed up (as most of the others are anyway), and I hope you enjoy it! Oh, this is such a drag… ALL THE CHARACTERS, FIGURES, AND ANY OTHER INDICATION TO YU-GI-OH! IS NOT MY CREATION, AND I DO NOT TAKE ANY GLORY FOR IT, AS WELL AS THE SONG IS CURRENTLY OWNED BY AVRIL LAVIGNE!!! No, I don't like Avril Lavigne (no insult intended to Avril Lavigne fans), but I do like this song. Enjoy, everybody! ^_~ And if you'd like me to write another, please review A.S.A.P.! Requests from my audience are good too!

* * *

(Acoustic guitar begins playing, and a familiar voice speaking.)

Voice. (evidently speaking over a phone) Uh-huh… extra cheese… uh-huh, uh-huh… save a piece for me.

Seto. (gazing towards the screen angrily) Pizza--party at your house… I went--just to check it out… nineteen--extra larges… what a shame! (scowls) No one came! Just us, eatin' all alone… you said, "Take the pizza home." (releases a long sigh) No sense… lettin' all this go to waste! So then I faced-- (grips his hair irritably, practically screaming) pizza all day, and everyday! (clenches his teeth) There's cheese 'round the clock, it's gettin' me blocked… (continues singing through his teeth) and I sure don't care, the irregularity--! Tell me--!

(Vanishes from the screen, yelping in response to the music playing. A door is heard being locked.)

Seto. (tone echoed being shut away in the bathroom) Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?! 'Cause right now, I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated! In the bathroom… I sit, and I wait, and I strain, and I sweat, and I clench, and I feel the pain! Oh, should I take Laxen and have my colon then irrigated! No, no, no… (begins unmistakably sobbing as the toilet is heard being flushed.)

Mokuba. (knocking at the door crossly) Open the door, big brother! You've been hogging the bathroom all day! (continues rapping at the door and struggling to turn the knob.)

Seto. (thrusts his head through the slightly opened door) Wait patiently, dear little brother! (his eyes widen, and he shoves the door shut again, and a large groan of discomfort is clearly heard as the music continues.)

Mokuba. (sweat drop) #O_O#

(Ryouji walks onto the scene, nodding sadly towards the audience, ignoring Seto's current situation.)

Ryouji. (singing passionately) I was--feelin' pretty down… (nods) 'til my--girlfriend came around… (wiggles his brows and smiles towards the screen) We're just--so alike in everyway… I gotta say! In fact--I just thought I'd might, pop the--question there that night! (sighs admiringly seeing an attractive teenager slip onto a couch beside him) I was, kissing her so tenderly, but woe is me! (turns towards the girl waving his hands in refusal, seeing her make an impish expression towards him) Who would've guessed, her family crest-- (begins singing through gritted teeth) I suddenly spy, tattooed on her thigh! And son of a gun! It's just like the one on me… (COLOSSAL sweat drop)

(Scoots frantically away, further from the girl on the sofa, as she draws closer to him.)

Ryouji. (bent on his knees shrieking towards the heavens) Tell me… HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WE WERE BOTH RELATED?! (clenches his face with both hands and twitches on the floor, while the girl watches curiously) BELIEVE ME, IF I KNEW SHE WAS MY COUSIN, WE NEVER WOULD'VE DATED!!! (ponders for a moment) What to do now… should I, go ahead, and propose, and get hitched, and HAVE KIDS ELEVEN TOES?!?!?! (huger sweat drop than the other) AND MOVE TO ALABAMA, WHERE THAT KIND OF THING IS TOLERATED?! (continues cringing, and face vaults.)

Seto. (slinging his arm around Ryouji's shoulder and both sway miserably while singing) No, no, no…

Ryouji. (sobbing while Seto consoles him) No…

Seto. (mimicking him in return, while nodding) No…

Ryouji. (angrily gazes back to him, and swipes away his comforting hand) No!

Seto. (smacks him in the face indignantly) No!

Ryouji. (clasping him by the neck and shaking him) NO!

Seto. (in a choked voice) NO! (thrusts off Ryouji's hands and pummels him in the torso.)

Ryouji. (snatching Seto by the hair and pulling him off his feet) NOOOOO!!!

Seto. (kicking him in the manhood mercilessly) NOOOOO!!!

Ryouji. (rolling over in excruciating pain while clutching himself at the crotch) No…

Seto. (chuckling hysterically) No!

Ryouji. (manages to get to his feet again and punts him in both shins) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Seto. (collapsing onto the ground in agony) NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Ryouji. (nods back to Seto sympathetically) No…

Seto. (both rocking in rhythm and singing again) No…

Seto & Ryouji. No…

Ryouji's "Cousin". (smacking Ryouji with her purse) NO!!! You're molesting that guy right in front of me!

Ryouji. (jerking away from each other in disgust) UGH!!! I DON'T LOVE HIM!!! I'D RATHER MARRY YOU THAN GO WITH HIM!!!

Seto. (outraged) HEY! WATCH IT, OTOGI!!! I'M NOT A BAD-LOOKING GUY!!!

(Katsuya strolls onto center stage with a limp paper bag on his head, watching Ryouji and Seto disputing with a rather puzzled expression *at least on the paper sack*.)

Katsuya. (continuing to sport his paper bag) I had, so much on my mind… (audience continues hearing Ryouji and Seto feuding) I thought, maybe I'd unwind--try out, that new roller coaster ride--and the guide said not to stand, but that's a demand, that I couldn't meet--I got on my feet, and stood up instead, and knocked off my head!!! YA SEE!!! TELL ME!!! (dances) WHY'D I HAVE TO AND GET MYSELF DECAPITATED?! (gestures towards the paper bag on his head) This really is a major inconvenience! Oh, man! I really hate it! Such a drag now… I can't eat, I can't breath, I can't snore, I can't belch, or yodel anymore! Can't spit, or blow my nose, or even read Sports Illustrated! (raises an issue with an attractive girl in a bathing suit on the cover.)

Ryouji & Seto. (dramatic poses) OH NO! WHY'D HE HAVE TO GO AND GET HIMSELF ALL MUTILATED?!

Katsuya. Yeah, yeah!

Ryouji & Seto. I GOTTA TELL YA, LIFE WITHOUT A HEAD KIND OF MAKES HIM IRRITATED! (beckon towards Katsuya.)

Katsuya. What a bummer…

Ryouji & Seto. HE CAN'T BLINK, HE CAN'T COUGH, HE CAN'T SNEEZE--!!!

Katsuya. But my neck, is a joy, and a pleasant breeze now! (Ryouji and Seto sweat drop) HAVEN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE MY HEAD AND I WERE SEPARATED!!!

Ryouji, Katsuya, & Seto. (in deep unison) No, no, no…

(Music ends, and audience hears Ryouji, Katsuya, and Seto all burst into desolate sobbing.)

Seto. (immediately stops and rushes offstage, constipation settling in again) WHERE THE HELL IS THE BATHROOM?!