Welcome to the first installment of the Gundam Universe Project, an attempt by a small group of friends to parody just about every Gundam anime produced so far, episode by episode. We hope you will heartily enjoy reading this, because we certainly had a lot of fun writing this. Over the next few years we will go through almost every Gundam show, with new chapters showing up every four days. That is, unless our project lead collapses from sheer exhaustion. But we've got plenty of smelling salts on hand, so that shouldn't be an issue.
We will start by asking you all to please stay with us on this story. The first few episodes, especially the first, will not be exceedingly funny. There just isn't a huge amount of stuff to make fun of. But we assure you, once we get to episodes 4 and 5, it will get a lot funnier, and it'll only go up from there.
After booting up your discs or video files, depending on which version you got you will be treated to either of the Cartoon Network opening that they created for the show, or the original opening. We have to say with complete honesty that the original opening is the strangest thing we have ever seen in our collective lives of watching anime. Seriously, the music stops several times and then just keeps going. It also features the moon, to which the White Base never visits. If you instead see the Cartoon Network opener, which is actually pretty cool, then be thankful that you didn't have to see the original. However, the original opening does help us understand why this series was cancelled in Japan during its original run.
But that's enough about that, for now anyway.
It is the year 0079 of the Universal Century, which says something about the creator's expectations for the series, given that he's given himself both a century and a millennium number slot to use.
50 Years have passed since humanity began moving into space, living in gigantic orbiting space colonies, because in this science fiction story, no 'magic' super technology was invented/discovered/given as a gift to mankind to allow them to travel to new solar systems.
Obviously, this is a new home for mankind, where people are born, raised, put through elementary school, then secondary school and puberty, then into college, then into… okay, I'm done extending that.
Anyway, nine months ago the cluster of space colonies furthest from the Earth called Side 3 proclaimed itself to be the Principality of Zeon and launched a war of independence against the Earth Federation, who were apparently oppressing them in some way that is never explained. (If you look closely in this sequence, you can spot a rare green Salamis)
In a complete contradiction to what was said earlier, it has been eight months since the rebellion began, and the forces were at a stalemate.
And thus we begin Episode 1: Yep, This is Such a Superb Concept That It Will Never Be Emulated, Copied, or Continued. Ever.
We see a scrolling view of Earth, then an asteroid that looks suspiciously like Luna 2, and then the head of some green mobile suit. If you can't identify that as a Zaku, then you should check, just to make sure you dressed yourself properly. Or you've never watched the Gundam show before, in which case you really have little business reading this. I mean, we're all glad you've added to our traffic counts, but this isn't going to make much sense to you. So go out, buy or download Mobile Suit Gundam (sometimes additionally labeled as 0079), watch it, revel in its supreme glory, and then come back and read this.
Oh, and while you're out doing that, could you make us some toast? Seriously, we're hungry.
While we were going over that, the Zakus landed on the outside of the space colony. Sorry if you wanted to read about that, but the moment's gone now. They open a few badly animated panels and enter the colony.
"Slender, stay here." One of the Zaku pilots says.
"But why?" Slender asked in a whiny voice.
"Because in the totally unlikely, almost impossible event that both of us should die, someone has to go back to the ship and tell the Commander about it."
"But what if he's not back from the pizza place yet?"
"Then you'll just have to wait for him." The as of yet unnamed Zaku pilot said. "Oh, and if you get back to the ship before we do, because we're totally not going to die, make sure nobody touches my double pepperoni thin crust deluxe."
"On it boss, I'll make sure nobody touches your pizza."
"Good work Slender." And with that, the two Zakus proceeded further into the colony, where they crash landed into a bunch of trees.
One of the pilots opened the cockpit of his Zaku and started looking around with a pair of binoculars.
"Gene, what the heck are you doing?" The first pilot, Chief Denim asked. "We have massive computer-helmets on our mobile suits."
"I'm looking around!" Gene said indignantly. "Wow, this place looks pretty deserted. But… hey look over there, it's a person!"
That person, clad in a forest green jacket-skirt… thing, went into a house.
"Amuro?" she called out. She shut the door behind her, calling out "Amuro?" again.
She checked under a cloth to find a fully prepared breakfast that was untouched. "What, he hasn't even eaten breakfast? Amuro!"
The girl went up the stairs, and an annoying green thing called a Haro goes up the stairs too.
The girl opened the door at the top of the stairs and found who we know to be Amuro playing with a microscope. "I should have known you'd be cooped up in here."
Amuro ignored her completely, but the girl continued to rummage through his room.
"You've got to eat Amuro, you should take better care of your health. Amuro!"
Amuro continued to ignore the girl, instead conversing with the annoying green robot.
"You've got to hurry and get dressed Amuro. Amuro!" The girl continued.
"Alright we get it Frau!" Amuro finally yelled at her. "My name is Amuro! I get it, you get it, Bandai gets it, the audience gets it, everybody gets it! You didn't have to say my name seven times in your first thirty seconds on the show!" I think the funny part of that is that it isn't even a joke.
"I was just… nevermind." Frau said, all pep gone from her voice. But then she remembered why she had gone to Amuro's house and perked up again.
"Don't you know about the evacuation order?" Frau asked.
"Obviously not, because I'm still in my house, and in my pajamas."
"It was an emergency military broadcast!" Frau said. "A warship is docking today and we have to evacuate."
"But why?" Amuro asked. "I'm kind of in the middle of something here."
"I don't know. If I did, and I told you, then there would be no big reveal to the audience. The shock value would be all gone!"
"Alright, I'll get dressed." Amuro said grumpily. Frau went outside, approaching a car parked on the street.
"Hayato?" Frau called, not seeing Hayato. "Hayato?"
Then she looked down, at the midget who barely came up to her waist. "Oh, there you are Hayato."
"Yeah, okay, I don't have a lot of time to talk, and the only purpose of my being here is to tell the audience that Amuro's father works at the military base over there, so… yeah." Hayato drove off, leaving his mother behind and Frau alone.
"How come nobody likes me?" Frau muttered to herself. Just then Amuro drove out into the street, with a sandwich in one hand and a drink in the other. Haro was driving the car.
"Amuro, you're a hopeless case."
"Well, it's the first episode Frau, what did you expect?"
Elsewhere, people were panicking at the military base.
"What is White Base doing? They're leading a Zeon ship right to us!"
"No sir, it's the same one as before."
"The one that asked about the pizza place?"
"Yes, that one."
"Well, did you give them an address?"
"Yes, I told them to go hit up Gino's on Luna II, but I don't think they bought it and they're coming back."
"Well, it doesn't really matter. With the strength of White Base, we'll crush the Zeon easily."
As we have our first look at the White Base, two officers were looking on.
"How did it get the name 'White Base' sir?"
"It was a name contest. The choices were: Albion, Trojan Horse, Falmel, The Legged Ship, Pegasus, and White Base."
"And 'White Base' won?"
"Yes, although there were only six votes, two of them by Zeon officers. It wasn't a very popular contest."
On the White Base, a Federation officer opened a door.
"Lieutenant Ray, we've docked with Side 7, please report to the bridge."
"Thank you, I'll be right there." Lieutenant Ray said. "How long have you been in the Military Mr… Bright?"
"Six months sir."
"And you're about 19 years old?"
"Yes sir."
"Okay then, you are clearly lying. Your voice sounds like you're much older than that."
"People always tell me I have a mentor-like voice sir."
"Yeah, whatever. Anyway, once we can mass produce the Big Za… I mean the Gundam, the Zeons will be finished." Lieutenant Ray said, and then went to the bridge.
"So, we weren't able to outrun that Zeon ship that was chasing us?" Lieutenant Ray asked.
"No, we outran them very easily. However there is another Zeon ship that is following us now, and it's been clogging the communication channels asking about a pizza place or something." The Captain responded.
A bit away from the colony was an asteroid. Behind the asteroid was a strange looking green ship called a Musai. On it was a man in a red uniform and a helmet with a mask. In his hand is a slice of pizza.
This man is Char Aznable.
"Looks like I'm not destined to get a break these days am I?" Char asked rhetorically. "Who would have thought I'd ever find something like this in my entire career? And on my way back from lunch, no less!"
"It surprises me as well, Commander." Char's first officer, Dren said. "But could there really be a base for the Federation's 'V' project here?"
"As easily as they could have lied to me about not having a pizza place." Char responded. "I mean, not one pizza place on the entire colony? Come on! The sheer odds of that are… impossible!"
"I know, but it appears to be true." Dren said. "I just hope they haven't built mobile suits that are as good as our Zakus."
"Huh?" Char turned to Dren, having no idea what he was talking about.
"The 'V' project, Commander."
"Oh, that's what you were talking about." Char said. "I was still talking about the pizza place."
"I know sir, and we're all devastated, but we need to stay focused."
"Right." Char said. "Do we have to signal from Denim and Gene?"
"Yes sir." Dren said. "It's being broadcast as a Code CC2."
There was dead silence on the bridge.
"Well, what does that mean?" Char asked.
"I have no clue."
"Well then get out the field manual and find out Dren! You have to be my go-to guy here!"
Back inside the colony, Denim and Gene were continuing their reconnaissance.
"All three of the machines they've rolled out of the factories are mobile suits. There could be more in there." Denim said.
"I've found it!" Gene said excitedly.
"What did you find Gene?"
"The hidden pizza place. It's inside their base!" Gene said, and then went to get into the cockpit of his mobile suit.
"Gene, what are you doing?"
"I'm hungry, and if I go now, I can destroy the Federation's mobile suits and get myself some lunch. I'll be a legend, just like Commander Char!"
Gene moved up to attack, firing on a stationary truck and destroying it.
"Boom, headshot!" Gene exclaimed, then shot another stationary truck.
"Boom, headshot!" He echoed.
Inside the shelters, things began to shake and people began to panic.
"Oh no, it's a Zeon attack."
"Uh-oh." Amuro said, looking at a strange sign looking like a boot stepping on a squirrel. "This shelter isn't Zaku-proof! We've got to get out of here."
"What should we do?"
"We should get over to the space ship that just docked here today!" Amuro said. "Everyone should stay here for now; I'll go find a safe route."
Amuro left the shelter and went to go find his car. He got in it and then saw a car with a few Federation officers go by.
"Hey!" Amuro called. "Do you know where I could find Lieutenant Tem Ray?"
"He's probably over by the dock." One of the officers responded. Just then, a missile flew past the Zaku and towards the two Federation officers. The missile missed, but the officers drove into a telephone pole and exploded. Amuro took cover behind his own car, but even there he was not safe from the shrapnel, as a large book hit him in the head.
For reasons Amuro would never understand, he picked up the book and dusted it off.
"Mobile Suit Gundam, by Yoshiyuki Tomino?" Amuro said aloud. "I wonder what kind of book this is."
Amuro flipped through a few of the first pages. 'The girl opened the door at the top of the stairs and found who we know to be Amuro playing with a microscope. "I should have known you'd be cooped up in here."'
"Wait a minute, that happened to me this morning! I'm Amuro!" Amuro said. "Does this book… tell some kind of story that we're just starting? Can it… tell me the future?"
And we go to commercial break. It's a pretty sad commercial break, so we won't talk about it that much.
When we come back, Char and Dren are talking to Slender.
"So what about Chief Denim?" Dren asked. Char was eating a new slice of pizza.
"He moved up to support Gene in his attack. Also, he told me to tell you to make sure that nobody touched his pizza."
"What kind of pizza did he want?"
"Double pepperoni thin crust deluxe." Char abruptly spit out the pizza in his mouth and hid his hand behind his back.
"Yeah, we remembered." Char said quickly. "Nobody's touched his pizza."
"He'll be happy to hear that." Slender said. "So what are my orders sir?"
"Just stay there and take lots of pictures of me, and the Federation's mobile suits. Or, you could take pictures of that asteroid thing and we'll just say that's their secret weapon."
"Your face or the asteroid?"
Char thought for a moment. "Your call."
"But what about me?"
"I'm not going to lie to you Slender, you don't matter as much as the pictures. But I don't think Admiral Dozle has ever seen that asteroid before, so we should be able to keep him fooled." Char cut the transmission.
"What are we going to do sir?" Dren asked.
"I don't know, but I have a feeling that Denim's not going to be around to eat his pizza."
Back inside the colony, everybody was running for their lives. All except Amuro, who was flipping through the book which apparently chronicled their entire adventure.
"Let's see." Amuro observed. "That missile is going to miss the Zaku, and then the Zaku will fire and kill a bunch of people, then Frau is going to look worriedly at me… wow, this thing is amazingly accurate!"
"Amuro, what are you doing?" Frau asked him worriedly.
"I'm…" Amuro thought about it, and decided it probably wasn't a good idea to tell people about the book he now possessed, and so he hid the book cover. "I was… commenting on the accuracy of the Zaku's machine gun. It's incredible!"
Amuro looked to the side and saw his dad standing next to what could be the Gundam. "Frau, get to the spaceport. Go… that way."
"But the Zaku's over there!"
"Trust me, you'll be fine!" Amuro ran towards his dad. "Dad, is that the Gundam?"
Amuro's father turned to him. "How did you know that?" He said. "Never mind, you need to get to the White Base!"
"Dad, we need to get the evacuees onto the ship!"
"No, I'm on my lunch break. You can do that if you want, but these chicken sticks aren't getting any hotter."
An explosion ripped into the ground near Amuro, covering him with scattered rocks. Amuro got up and quickly checked the book to see if it had been damaged.
Off to the side, Frau had also noticed Amuro's near death experience, and ran off the street to check on him. "Amuro, are you okay…" Frau was cut off by a massive explosion behind her that threw her forward.
More rocks flew toward Amuro, and he walked backwards towards Frau to shield the book from damage. "Frau, are you okay?"
Seeing that his friend was still alive, Amuro continued checking on the book. Frau looked around and discovered the large crater behind her, where some of the evacuating civilians had been killed.
"Mother?" Frau asked, seeing her mother's body on the ground. "Mother!" She screamed and ran over to her, shaking her body furiously, as if to wake her up.
"This can't be happening." Frau cried into her mother's jacket. "You can't have just…"
"Oh thank god!" Amuro exclaimed. "Everything is all right, no damage at all!" Amuro held up the book to prove that it was fine.
Then he actually looked around, and saw the horrific scene of death and sorrow Frau was immersed in.
"Oh." Amuro remarked. "That could have gone better."
Amuro strode over to the still sobbing Frau. "Frau, you need to get to the spaceport." He got no response, just more crying.
Amuro flipped through the book. "So I should slap her?" He asked aloud. "Well, it works in the book so…" Amuro slapped Frau, snapping her back to reality.
"You need to run to the spaceport Frau! Get on the ship that's there, okay. I promise I'll be along soon." Frau got up and started off to the spaceport.
Amuro turned around and ran back towards the Gundam. "Now all I need to do is figure out how to work that mobile suit." Once there, he climbed into the cockpit.
"Alright, so I push these buttons to turn it on…" Amuro started to power the Gundam up, but one of the Zakus noticed him.
"Oh crap!" Amuro said. "The book says that I fire the machine guns at him, but it doesn't actually tell me how to do that!" Lacking any instructions, Amuro started pushing buttons until he discovered which one would fire the machine guns.
Gene frantically dodged when he saw the Gundam fire at him with its machine guns.
"Ahhhhh!" Gene screamed. "Chief Denim, the enemy mobile suit started to move and fire back! What should we do?"
"Oh, so now you want to listen to me?" Denim mocked. "Now it's my job to come up with the plan!"
"Oh wait, it's not even standing up yet." Gene said, having regained a small part of his confidence. "I'll get it." Gene fired his machine gun and hit the Gundam perfectly. Unfortunately for Gene, the Gundam's special Plotanium Armor made it impervious to bullets.
"Ahhhhh!" Gene screamed again. "Chief Denim, my machine gun didn't do any damage! What should we do?"
Amuro finally figured out how to make the Gundam stand up, as Gene continued to fire his useless machine gun.
"Gene!" Chief Denim said. "We clearly cannot damage it. Let's run away!"
"But sir, if we run now… Oh no! It stood up! Wait, maybe we can damage it now!" Gene turned to get Denim's approval, but Denim had begun executing his own strategy, and was already over the next hill.
Amuro located the targeting computer and locked on to the Zaku before continuing to fire his machine guns.
"Sir, look over there," said the officer with Amuro's dad. "One of our mobile suits is fighting back!"
"Dammit!" Tem Ray said. "It was turned on? We didn't even have to go get this stupid truck to drive it to the White Base!"
"I thought you weren't going to do that anyway!"
Amuro ran out of ammunition for his machine guns, and just like that, Gene found his confidence again. He ran at the Gundam to continue fighting it and aimed his machine gun right at the Gundam's cockpit.
"Amuro caught the Zaku's machine gun and pulled it from its hands." Amuro read aloud. "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea."
Amuro crushed the Zaku's machine gun with the Gundam's hand and threw it away. Then, with his other hand, Amuro ripped off the breathing mask-like thing on the Zaku's head. Gene screamed in terror as his mobile suit fell to the ground.
"Then Amuro draws his beam saber." Amuro read. "Well that's great, how do I do that?"
"Gene, how about you try my earlier idea of 'run like hell?'" Denim asked.
"That… actually sounds pretty good."
Slender tried to boost away from the combat zone but Amuro, having figured out how to draw his beam saber, jumped at him. He sliced Gene's Zaku, and Gene himself cleanly in two pieces, which then exploded. The explosion blew a hole in the side of Side 7, which began to suck everything nearby out of it, including Amuro's father and his chicken sticks, that he didn't even get to eat.
"Oh crap, if that happens again, Side 7 will fall apart!" Amuro said. "So how do I not do that?" Amuro began flipping through the book again.
Denim charged his Zaku at the Gundam. "I'm not sure why I'm doing this, but at least I didn't die first!"
"Oh, I just stab it in the cockpit." Amuro discovered. "That's easy!" Amuro did exactly that, and the Zaku lifelessly fell to the ground.
"Get the civilians onto White Base!" Bright ordered. "Then tell the driver of that truck to begin the transfer. Whoever he is, we're going to need him to move this stuff."
"But sir, wasn't our mission to get the mobile suit?"
"No, are you kidding me? I'm not gonna pass up those portable mattresses! They're tempur-pedic!"
Just then, the ground began to rumble slightly. At the end of the colony, an explosion blew a hole in the outer hull. The view zooms in to reveal Char's Musai, having freshly fired two missiles at Side 7.
"Oops." Char said. "That's what that button does. Someone should really put labels on these things." Char looked around at his bridge, where all of the crew was staring at him. Except Dren.
"So… who wants Denim's pizza?"
The helmsman turned to Char. "Wait, we were getting pizza?"
Next time on the Gundam Universe Project!
Episode 2: Slender Dies
Well, there you have it, our first chapter. I hope you all liked it, the few of you who will even ever see this. Before we stop, we'd like to ask you to please, spread the word about this thing, to anyone you might think would be interested. Seriously, we'd do it ourselves, but we're already spending all of our free time writing up these chapters, so a little help would go a long way. Even if you are the only one who ever reads this, or if it is never read at all, we're going to do it anyway, mostly because to the best of our knowledge nothing like this has ever been attempted, or will ever be attempted again. So once again, thanks for reading this first episode in our long journey, and we hope you'll come back every four days ready for more.
And remember, new chapters every four days!