I'm sorry if this sucks, but I'm sad. We put my dog down this afternoon and it made me think of stuff. Sad stuff and this popped into my head. So like I said, if it sucks, that's okay, 'cos this is more like therapy than anything else.

The last goodnight

I'm sitting here with her pale hand in mine and I wonder at its frailty. I wonder how those same hands had held me so firmly, so warmly only months before. Now the still beautiful hands, because they're her hands, hold mine ever so lightly. Her grip is weak, like her heartbeat, like her shallow breathing. Everything about her is weak now. The strongest person I ever knew, I ever loved, has been reduced to almost nothing. A mere shadow of what she was. I feel the sadness tug at me, trying to drag me back into the blackness I descended into when she first told me. I shake my head, freeing myself for the moment of that almost magnetic pull. I need to be here, in the moment. She needs me here for the last time. I owe her that, after all that she has done for me, given me, I owe her these last few moments.

"Are you crying again?"

I swallow hard, I want my voice to be strong for her. I want to counter her weakness with my strength for a change.

"No, I'll cry afterwards."

I said the wrong thing. Her eyes are fluttering about the room, the beeping machines, the vials upon vials of medication on the bedside table, everywhere that isn't me. I want her to look at me, I want to remember those eyes, their warmth, their depth. She has such beautiful eyes.

"I don't want you to cry. Not ever."

I swallow again, pushing it all down. The fear, the blind panic at the thought of after. I have to push it away for her.

"Then I won't."

She finally looks at me again. The way she's almost always looked at me, with love.

"It's not nice to lie to someone on the day they die, you know?"

She's actually smiling at me. She said those words that cut me to pieces and smiled at me.

"This isn't funny! How can you say that to me...how can you..."

My chest is burning, heaving with emotion I have tried so desperately to contain. The tears and the darkness are so close now, I don't know if I can keep it all at bay. Is it even possible to?

Her hand tightens around mine and I can almost feel its old strength. Almost.

"I'm sorry. I just don't want this time to be sad. This is the last time after all."

The panic hits me full force and I shake my head hard.

"I've changed my mind, I wont let you do this! I wont let you leave me!"

I kiss her harder than I should, longer than she probably has breath for. But I don't care, because I need to feel her, I need to taste her again. I need to take her in and make her part of me. I need to make her stay with me.

I pull back when I feel her warm tears on both our cheeks. Her face is flushed, giving it back some of the colour it had lacked for the last few months. Reminding me again of exactly how small she's become, how different she is from the old her. I watch as her chest heaves, as my hand automatically reaches for the oxygen mask beside me, as she finally breathes in deeply, gratefully. After a few minutes of this she pushes it away again.

"You don't have much of a say in this. It's going to happen whether you want it too or not. Now will just be a little less painful for me, because honestly, I can't handle this pain anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to watch you watch me living like this anymore!"

Her voice is trembling, her eyes brimming with tears. Guilt washes over me as I realize how selfish I am, how truly weak I am. I can see the pain on her face even after the handful of tablets and injections she takes, the pain is always there. She has never complained though, not ever said a word even when her body betrayed her. When she sobbed and writhed as the cancer ate away at her.

"I wish it was me instead. I want you to know that if I could take your place, if I could take it all on me I would. There's nothing I wouldn't do for you, you know that right?"

She's smiling at me and I make sure to memorize it. I cherish that smile, those soft lips. There was a time when I did not doubt I'd be kissing those lips forever. I guess I was naïve in thinking that, maybe just plain stupid for taking things for granted.

"That's why you'll stay with me when it's time, right?."

I simply nod my head. I can't really refuse her this, because what she said was true. Whether I wanted it to happen or not, she was going to die.

I turn my head away from her as the doctor enters our room.

"Will you just give us a few more moments, please?"

He nods his gray head at me and steps out. I can't bare to think what's going to happen when he steps back again.

"I love you very much, I always have. That day you lay your hand on top of mine by accident, that was the day I fell in love with you. I remember I was so scared when I realized it. Good girls like me weren't supposed to feel that way about bad girls like you."

She chuckles as she says this and I can't help but lean in and kiss her again. This time I only touch my lips to her cold cheek.

"I fell in love with you when you spoke of wanting a new first time. I wanted to be that new first time so badly. More than I had ever wanted anything else in my life before, but I was scared too. Bad girls like me didn't deserve good girls like you."

Her fingers trace my eyebrows, slowly brushes against my jawline. I'm not the only one trying to memorize everything.

"Don't say that, don't ever believe you did not deserve me. That you didn't deserve to be loved by me. You made me so happy, so very happy."

Her tears are flowing again, her voice barely a whisper as she speaks again.

"I don't regret being with you, not one minute. I want you to remember that, I want you to believe that, okay?"

I nod my head as I kiss her hand, as I lean in and bury my face in her neck. I don't want her to go. I don't want to live in a world where there's no her. It's simply impossible to even contemplate it.

"I just don't understand. Why you? You've always been so good, you don't deserve this. Jesus, you're only twenty nine, it's just not fair!"

And now I cry. I cry harder than I've ever cried before, because I want her to see what this is doing to me. I want her to know how much I care. How much I hurt.

I stiffen when the bedroom door opens behind me. The doctor is back. It's time.

I watch as he silently walks to the foot end of the bed. Without waiting for him to ask I point out the morphine I had bought illegally. I watch as he prepares the syringe, draws up the clear liquid. I watch as he prepares to end a life. It's seems such a simple act really. This act of kindness.

"Are you ready, Spencer?"

I finally look back at her and she's watching me. Even as she speaks she's looking at me.

"Yes, I'm ready."

Her voice is so steady, so sure. It washes over me and calms me. For the first time in seven months, since she told me, I feel calm. I feel at peace as I stare back into those soft eyes of hers.

She doesn't look away once. Not when the doctor takes her arm gently in his hand, not when he pauses for a brief second before puncturing the delicate skin. I lay down next to her and I hold her. I hold her and I stare right back at her.

"Ash..."

She whispers it so softly, smiles ever so gently. I watch as her eyes drift shut. As her breathing slows down. It looks like she's just falling asleep. Like if I should gently shake her shoulder she'd open her eyes and look at me again. So I do it. I shake gently, but she doesn't wake up. I kiss her cheek, but she doesn't wake up. I call her name, but she doesn't wake up.

A hand on my shoulder finally stops me. I watch in silence as he feels for a pulse. I watch as he sadly nods his head. I understand that nod. She's gone. He leaves without another word. I'm supposed to phone the ambulance in half an hour. Supposed to say I came into our room to check on her and found her like this, but I don't.

I kiss her still warm lips and leave her embrace. The second bottle of morphine is exactly where I hid it. I don't think I bought it knowing what I was going to do with it. Subconsciously, yes, I knew exactly why I made sure to have more, but I did not ever admit it to myself. Not until the doctor nodded at me.

I settle myself back down next to her. I do exactly as the doctor did, except I draw in even more of the clear liquid. I want to make sure it does what is expected of it. It stings when the needle enters my arm, but I ignore it. I ignore everything around me as I lay back down next to her.

"I love you, Spencer. Don't be mad at me for doing this, okay?"

I feel so sleepy. Like when I was a little girl and I stayed up long after my bedtime. That heavy tiredness that drags your eyelids shut against your will. I fight it, because I want to watch Spencer's face for just a little while longer. I just want one last, long look. There might not be a heaven, we might never meet there, but I'll have this last image. This last look at true beauty.

My eyelids are too heavy now, I can't keep them open any longer. I don't want to keep them open anymore, because I can feel her. I can feel her and she's so near. I just have to close my eyes and reach out and I know she'll be there. So I let go and I smile, because Spencer has never disappointed me before and this time I know will be no different.

Well, there it is. Not much to say at this point. Did not really think my first one shot would turn out like this, but it did. That's life, right?