Hello, fanfiction readers! I am jaarXofXcandyz, your friendly neighborhood shonen-ai writer :3

This is my first ever pokemon fanfic, so I apologize ahead of time for some OOC-ness and the like. Of course, it is really important to remember that this is yaoi, so a majority of said OOC is almost a given. I can only wish that I was such an amazing writer that I could write 'in character' while staying true to my BL ways... Anyways, please forgive my less-than-desirable writing style. I'm only fifteen years old. I can't resist writing though because SOMEONE has to put these ideas up in the air, right?

JUST a quick note for you guys: You probably noticed that the story title is kinda only a half sentence, so pay attention to the titles of each chapter. For example, This chapter is "I want you" so the whole thing is called "I'm afraid to say I want you." Tee-hee, aren't I clever!

DISCLAIMER: As has been said, this story includes YAOI. That means MEN HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN! Well, being the person I am, there is nothing explicit. This is as kid friendly as it gets, people. Only IMPLIED men having sex with other men. The rest, my friends, is free to be mentioned :)

I want you

My name is Ash Ketchum, and I am the biggest coward known to man. Three years ago, I made a mistake. A big one. And instead of facing up to the consequences, I ran. Yeah, I could easily blame the whole ordeal on being a confused, hormonal teen, but that would be a weak excuse.

My friends, all of them, took a vacation from their duties to hang out in Pallet Town. I had ulterior motives, and had just wanted to visit my mother for the first time in three months. The lot of us stayed a full week, and were having a blast. Things were going according to plan, that is, until he came.

I've known Gary Oak since we were toddlers. Him and me, we were always attached at the hips; the best of friends. Like most male friendships, we were rivals as well. I treasured the relationship we shared like a favorite toy, it was the most precious thing to me.

We were both seven when he told me that he was going to be the greatest Pokemon trainer to ever live. Sure, we had both said it before, and both meant it with all our hearts, but I had never realized that only one of us could truly claim that title.

Our innocent childhood friendship took a turn for the worst. A playful rivalry soon turned into a fierce one. Whether it was who could hold their breath the longest underwater, or who could run the fastest, everything was a competition. I could no longer see him as just a playmate. Gary was the biggest obstacle in my way of fulfilling my dream to be a Pokemon master; my true opponent.

Gary, of course, was always twenty steps ahead of me, foiling my hard work with snide comments and teasing remarks. I always took everything to heart, but knew he didn't really want to crush my spirit. He certainly didn't want me to loose faith in myself, and give up. He wasn't that kind of guy. Gary was a loyal, special friend to me, though that part of our relationship was cloaked by our rivalry. Both of us, we knew the boundaries and extent of our friendship. Eleven good, long years of it was shattered in a matter of seconds.

That week my friends and I visited, my mom decided to host a small gathering the night before we were to depart. Mom, being the kind woman she is, invited our old friend Professor Oak. I have always adored and admired the older man, but when I opened the door to greet him, I came face to face with an older, much better looking Gary.

After a few moments of looking thoroughly stupid, on my part, my old professor pushed his way in an explained that Gary had just gotten back from a big research trip and was in desperate need of some relaxation. For my mother's sake, I swallowed what was left of my pride and stepped aside, letting the taller, tanned male enter my home. This could not end well, and it wouldn't. Something was just telling me that.

I spent a large portion of the night trying to ignore him, trying to ignore the feeling of his eyes piercing into my very soul. If I didn't know better, I'd say that he had x-ray vision. With a shudder, I turned slightly away from the direction he sat in, hugging Pikachu tight to my body.

The small mouse Pokemon looked up at me, presumably sensing my discomfort. I lessened my hold, and pat his head, reassuring him that nothing was wrong with me. If only I could tell him what was on my mind. If only he could understand what I was going through. With no such luck, I redirected my attention to the joke Max and Dawn were telling.

In reality, Gary wasn't stalking me, nor staring either. He was currently seated comfortably on the couch, next to misty, engrossed in what seemed to be a humorous conversation. At least, that's what I had deducted from his smooth laugh and crooked smile. Oh, what I'd give to be in Misty's shoes right now. To be able to sit near him in such a relaxed manner, sharing funny stories without feeling as though I have to prove myself to him...

'Ouch.' I grabbed my chest. My heart had begun to throb erratically inside as I watched them enjoy themselves. Jealousy? I tried to ignore it, but the pain refused to subside. Misty leaned over, oh so delicately, and placed a hand on Gary's shoulder. I could tell she was whispering something, and never before had I felt so upset. As I strained to hear my rival's reaction, I saw a blush creeping up his neck. Was... Misty hitting on him?

"Ash! Snap out of it!"

I shook my head quickly before training my gaze on May. "What?"

"You're crying." She said softly. Indeed, as I rubbed my eyes, I discovered tears were steadily streaming down my face.

I guess the best word to describe how I felt was shock, like Pikachu had just electrocuted me, but worse. When had I started? And an even better question: Why was I crying? Sure, I've cried before, but never over these kinds of feelings. Hell, I don't think I've ever felt like this before, never over a girl. Never over a boy. And certainly, CERTAINLY, never over Gary Oak.

"Man, are you alright? You've been all spacey tonight." Brock clasped a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah! You didn't even laugh when I told the joke about the one legged jigglypuff. That one ALWAYS gets to you." Max piped in.

I know they were just worried, and expressing their concern, but my anger had reached a point of no return, " I am fine! Just leave me along, alright?!" My harsh tone surprised them all, I could tell. By now, everyone in the room had stopped what they were doing and were staring fixedly at me. Panic swelled up inside, 'What's wrong with me...'

"Uh, I just need some air." I placed Pikachu down on Tracey's lap and made my way outside.

I was so relieved when nobody followed me out onto the small back porch. The last thing I needed right now would be a concerned mother trying to hold my hand.

"Fuck you, Gary Oak." I glared up at the cloudless sky, as if it was the one to blame for everything that had happened. No, it's Gary's fault. If he hadn't shown up, looking all hot in his stupid lab coat... 'Ugh' I need to stop doing that! I've never experienced this before. My whole body felt like it was on fire, though the night air was cool. With a sigh, I removed my jacket and shoes before sitting down in the damp grass. When I'm like this, I feel like I'm a kid again. Before I got my first Pokemon, before I met Misty and Brock, when all I had was Gary, and vise versa.

"So, care to explain what the dramatic exit was all about?"

I froze in my spot, because my brain recognized that voice. Every fiber of my being knew it, every freaking hormone in my body craved it with a searing passion...

"Geez, Ashy-boy. Everybody's worrying that you've finally lost it." He smirked, before taking a seat beside me. "Misty pretty much forced me to come out and talk to you. I guess they just are used to you being Mr. Happy-all-the-time, huh?"

I've resolved to not look into his beautiful green eyes. If I don't, then maybe I won't say something stupid, maybe he'll just leave me alone. Truth be told, I'd like nothing more than to gaze into them for hours on end, listening to his smooth, even voice.

"Of course, I know you better than that. You always beat yourself up over little things, right? If you make a mistake, you analyze it until you're sure it won't happen again. You resolve to be better and better each time you do something, until you reach perfection. And if something is troubling you, you'll go on and on about inside you head. These little monolog things run around in there almost twenty-four seven!" He laughed, before take a quick look at me. "Dude, you are so out of it. I bet you didn't hear a word I just said!" Gary threw an arm over my shoulder, amused at the bewildered state of mind I was currently stuck in.

"Gary!" I whined, "Cut it out!"

"Now there's the Ashy-boy I know and love." He smiled, not realizing what he just said. I know it's just some stupid, cliche phrase, but a huge part of me wished he meant it in a different way. That one four letter word that send shivers up my spine...

Without realizing it, tears had already begun to fall from my eyes. Silent sobs wracked my body as I turned my head, trying to wipe them away before he could see.

"Hey, Ash. Don't cry." He reached for my hand, in that comforting, best friend kind of way. That just made me cry harder. "Dammit! I don't know what's wrong! How am I supposed to know what's going on inside that thick skull of yours?"

Damn him. Damn my hormones. Damn his fucking soft hands rubbing my shoulder. I wanted to scream out, shove him away, and run in the opposite direction. Anything to not have those hands on me, anything to avoid catastrophe.

"*hic* Why don't you, um, go back inside? I'm sure Misty and everyone would rather only have one missing person." I choked out, turning my head away from him.

"Oooooooooooh, Is Ashy-boy jealous that I was hanging out with Misty?"

"Yes." I guess he was shocked at my blunt answer.

"Hey, man. I didn't want to you think I have the hots for your girlfriend. Really, we're just friends." Gary defended himself.

"I don't like her like that anymore." There. I said it, now it was his job to take it somewhere or not.

I watched as the words sunk in, etching surprise across his face. Not disgust, just pure shock. "But you said you were jealous."

"I was."

"But..." Finally, I could see the true meaning set in place. Hunched over, a blank look enveloped him as he softly said, "But you aren't gay."

"No. I'm not. I'm just gay for one person."

We sat like this, in utter silence, for what seemed to be an eternity. Worry was eating away at the relief that had formed when I expressed my feelings. Why did I just tell him that? Of course Gary fucking Oak, the town's playboy extraordinary, isn't gay! Of course he is just going to laugh it off and leave me out here to cry. I felt as though my heart was already being ripped out, when...

He kissed me. Gary kissed me? Gary Oak kissed me! It was slow at first, like dipping your toes into steaming hot water. Slow, clumsy, sweet. Everything I could have ever dreamed of for a first kiss.

Of course, it was over before I could even really wrap my head around what was going on. He just looked up to stare at the stars, and I began to wonder if that was all just a figment of my crazy imagination.

"Me too, Ashy-boy. Me too."

The emotions flooding through me were too much to handle, and I lay back on the grass. He had just confessed that he felt the same way about me! My rival cared for me at least a little like I did for him. That was enough to put me on cloud nine.

Before I knew it, Gary had climbed on top of me. His own euphoric smile clued me in that he was feeling much the same way. Is this how people feel when they fall in love? Because, if it is, I never want to be picked up.

"I love you Gary Oak."

The rest of what happened, well, I wouldn't repeat in polite company. I will say this though: it was perfect. Everything I'd ever dreamed about, only more. His skin on mine, with nothing between us but sweat and love. It wasn't a competition, we weren't trying to surpass each other. This was just about being equal, giving our everything to one another, expressing how much we love. I wouldn't, nor couldn't, as for anything more than to hear him tell me-

"I love you Ash Ketchum."

Phew, that took a lot out of me! I know, I'm a wuss when it comes to writing sex... but give me some time, okay? Someday I'll knock you socks off with smexeh man-love scenes :3

Sorry it's so short, but I have most of the next chapter written. It should be up very very soon!

**EDIT** Ash and Gary are 15 during the flashback, so in the beginning, Ash is 18. They met when they were 4, in my mind at least. I hope that clears things up for you guys :D **END EDIT**

I'm gonna take a second to say that I'm really sorry to those who read my House MD story. I promised that there would be an update A LONG time ago, and duh duh dah; no chapter. Really, I won't waste your time with excuses. Just know that I do plan to continue it. (For those of you who HAVEN'T read it, and like House and Wilson together... wanna spend a little more time with me?)

Please review, I love you guys!