Without Boundaries
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Squeal to 'Her Ink Stained Hands'
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He was born Harrison Evan Clearwater. Nine pounds, seven ounces. Sixteen and a half inches long. Ten fingers and ten perfect toes. A messy spray of jet black hair littering his tiny head and the strength of a man in his tiny fist. He slept mostly and even in his dreams, a tiny little toothless smile would appear.
He was perfect. Innocent. He was beautiful and deserved more than she could give. More than she could promise.
It had been three years since that day in the diner. The day she decided that she could no longer fight against fate. That she could no longer wait – and hope – that there would be a chance for them to be together. Because while her son missed out on knowing his real father – how could she take that away from two children already birthed with his wife, who knew him - and loved him. The woman he'd chosen, whether consciously or not.
If Jacob would have taken her hand that day she would have fought, risked the pain. She would have closed her eyes, taken a breath and nodded. She would have married him and stayed the rest of her life beside him. She would have endured the accusing eyes, the bitter remarks. She would have risked it all for him and for the life they could have had.
Though she could not regret what she had now.
Who she ended up with.
Who she loved.
Instead of Jacob reaching out and taking her hand, it was Edward.
Edward who knew the pain of being second best. The pain of losing something that he loved with all his heart. The same Edward that was once broken with the weight of an empty heart and who carried with him the self-loathing no one could ever endure.
But no longer.
She supposed that Edward – while only her friend at the time – had always been there. In the shadows, awaiting his own chance for a perfect love. It was strange that she never thought of him as an option until he found her curled up against the couch in her apartment with salty tears staining her bronzed cheeks. He had held her, consoled her, tucked her hair behind her ears but most of all and most importantly -
He listened.
He listened to the beat of her heart. The sorrow and wither in her voice as she recounted how the man she was in love with didn't stop her from walking away. How he sat in the diner and watched her walk away with a broken heart and their child. He listened to how worthless she felt in his eyes compared to his wife, how sorry she'd been for allowing him to be the catalyst in her life, her pillar. He listened to how she wanted nothing more than to be loved – properly - and not like that of a burden or a duty.
Without fear.
Without boundaries.
She was six months pregnant when Edward finally kissed her. Lips against lips. Softly tangled tongues. Teeth nipping against swollen flesh. His long pale fingers gently unclasping the straps of her maternity dress and allowing it to fall to the ground like a silk cloth sliding over a sharpened blade. His hoarse whispers and promises piercing so deeply inside her like a gunshot wound. Burying her heart in no longer a sea of dread but that of one with hope and a future. A sunrise without clouds, without fog.
Just simply rising.
Her bronze back was tucked into his pale chest as his hands wondered over her skin. Touching every surface, truly feeling her for the first time. Friends becoming easy lovers. Lovers falling in love. Being there when the world felt like it was collapsing around them. Breaking them over and over again like being crushed under a shiny metal surface. Lungs fighting to breathe. Hearts fighting to beat.
It was true he'd never be Jacob. The man who she invested so much in. Gave so much love. Loved the boy so well. Created a life inside her with.
No.
Edward would be the man she could hold on to. Down a street, a parking lot, shopping centre, a friend's wedding. Edward would be the man she didn't have to hide, didn't have to sneak around with. Meet at night like a cheap whore. Meet in secret, hiding away from prying looks and slow disapproving nods.
Lie about.
Feel guilty for loving.
He could give her love, while like nothing compared to Jacob's, did count for something. It was love. It may not have been a first love. An impulse love. A terrifying love. But it was love all the same.
No one could weigh love. Not literally. The heart held its own weights, its own baggage. Trying to fight its own demons. The hurt inside it slowly easing, slowly becoming only that of a dull throb. An incandescent bulb being bumped up a singular insect instead of a swarm.
"So – is that a yes?" His sweet voice drawled in her ear like a purr, her hair slowly blowing with each breath he took against the nape of her neck. His honey and mint scent engulfing her senses as she sucked in a line of air.
Tucking herself deeper into his embrace and his lap she sighed contentedly. Had he always been this warm, this familiar? When had he suddenly replaced the feel of Jacob's strong huge arms around her, holding on to her like she was a child. So small and unsure. When had Edward's arms become the ones she'd longed for? The arms she craved like cocaine in the belly of a user. When did he become her drug?
"Leah?" He whispered tentatively, his mouth closed as he rubbed his lips against the length of her neck enjoying the smooth feel of her golden skin. Bringing his hand around to the hallow of her neck he let his fingers sprawl and widen across the flesh there. Every time he touched her it felt like the first. Like he hadn't felt that same spot a million times. Like there would never be another chance to.
"Are you afraid?" He asked letting his hands snake under her shirt. He could feel her stomach contract with his touch. Running ripples of heat along the softness from giving birth. The softness that made her a woman. A perfect woman. A perfect mother.
Feeling his fingers dancing on the skin of her ribs she let out a shaky breath. She could feel his hesitation and could imagine the green jade of his eyes, begging her to answer him, in the back of her head. The green eyes that shone with happiness, that darkened with lust, that drew her into his heart. Much like a spider's web. Unforgiving and relentless.
"I am not afraid of you," she spoke softly.
So soft like the sound of fingertips running over silk. So soft she wondered if she even spoke at all. Could she really let the past die with Edward? Could she let him take over her mind? Let him become what Jacob once was. Once was.
"I loved him you know," she murmured as his long fingers brushed over the material of her bra. "I loved him so much. He broke me Edward. He broke me, and I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what it is - to be myself. He took me and led me into a life I could never have." Her tears fell with each word. The pain in her heart contracting and constricting against the pleasure of her body.
"I can give you your life back. I can heal you if you let me. You won't be the same Leah though – you'll be my Leah. You'll be the only one I love. You'll be my first choice. You are my first choice. If I had all the gold in the world I would trade it for one kiss from your lips-" He murmured running his other thumb over her plump lips. "-one touch of your hands," he whispered, peppering kissing along her neck as he intertwined their fingers. "Choose me Leah. Choose the future. Choose me over the past. Over Jacob."
His heart was drumming against her back, his words searing into her body like the Bible into a priest's mind. Reciting every word, every moment they ever shared, every kiss, every embrace. She could hear in his heart his deep love for her, his promise.
"I'll kill you if you ever leave me," She replied staunchly, wiping the tears from her eyes.
The soft afternoon breeze blew against their bodies as they sat in the middle of a cornfield. The green towering stems surrounding them like a cocoon, their tops hovering over them, shading them from the county sun.
Leah's heart palpitated as she heard the light rasp of his chuckle. "I'd expect nothing less, my love." He whispered as he wrapped both his arms tightly around her torso, holding her like she'd slip away with the wind.
"Do you believe in fairy tales?" Her voice was low and content as she leaned her head back, pressing her head into his shoulder and looking up at him. His angular jaw was relaxed, littered with the light spray of stubble, while his mouth was set in a loop sided grin.
Eventually his eyes moved down and set against hers, the jade within them flickering softly in what sunlight did seep through the tall stalks. "So, it's a yes?" He asked as his mouth sunk further down to find hers, brushing his bottom lip into the seam of her own.
Pulling away he tucked the stray dark hair which obscured his sight from her eyes. They were warm and deep set like always, the sheer radiance of them making his grin stretch a little wider. "You're breathtakingly beautiful," he breathed kissing the corner of her mouth. "And insatiably sexy," he continued as he kissed the opposing side of her mouth as it lifted to a smile.
"And one hundred percent – yours," she laughed, spinning quickly in his arms and devouring his mouth with her own. Straddling him she let her hands drag up his chest to find his shaggy bronze locks near his neck while his hands danced to her waist and pulled her closer. Feverishly. Raw.
"And yes," she panted, pulling away to reach from the hem of her shirt. "I will marry you"
As the summer breeze blew around them and softly rattled the stems of the corn fields she thought about how close she had come to heaven before. Once upon a time she thought that love would never reach her again. That love wouldn't grant her the gift of having a second chance. And while she had loved Jacob with all her heart, she loved Edward with so much more.
To have a second chance was more than enough. Because even though Jacob was her first love... Edward was her first choice.
And she could love him, without permission, without regret, without fear. But most of all-
Without boundaries.