Disclaimer- Harry Potter and anything you may recognize does not belong to me.
"Stop trying to understand a world you know nothing about."
Ginny Weasley's cruel words reverberated in her mind, like an endless chant, mocking her, belittling her, making her question whether the redhead was correct. She didn't belong; she was just a muggle with magic, floundering around in a world she didn't know, a world she had no idea existed until the age of eleven. It was these dark thoughts Hermione Granger pondered as her world went a deep blue again.
From a young age, Hermione was not a happy child. She would often sit with her books, quiet when other children were loud. Her worried parents took her to the best psychologist they could find, worried about her state of mind. After countless hours of interminable sessions, they were given the verdict: depression. Mrs. Granger had been shocked at finding that her child had inherited what most women in her family developed later in life. When the words fell out of the doctor's mouth, hundreds of repressed memories flooded her mind, memories of her mother's last months alive after giving in to her sickness. Her mother had died after slitting her wrists in the bathtub; Mrs. Granger had been the one to find her that afternoon after getting home from school.
Her child would not go through that, she promised herself, and from that day forward, Hermione was taken to countless specialists. She was dragged all over Britain, her mother hopeful that the new doctor would have some miracle cure the previous one hadn't. Each attempt that failed dimmed the light in Mrs. Granger's eyes a little more, and strengthened her will.
Through all of this, Hermione threw herself into her studies. She consumed textbooks, extricated every fact, soaked up the new knowledge like a sponge. She isolated herself from her classmates, who taunted her and believed she was deranged. The few kids who understood that depression was not contagious went with the crowd, not desiring to make themselves outcasts.
Through those years, Hermione went through stages, which she categorized in shades of blue. When she was exceptionally happy, her world was a sweet light blue that held promises of better days and acceptance. When her life seemed bleak and cold, everything was a dark blue, touching shades of black. Thos were times when she wanted to sleep, sleep and never wake up from the wonderful, blissful numbness. Nirvana. Euphoria. Utopia. The delicious escape of death never strayed from her mind, a seductive eternal sleep where she would no longer question her emotions or normality. Yes, the end of life was appealing, and if she hadn't known it would destroy her mother, it would have ended a long time ago.
Her parents were the only ones who could bring her to that sweet baby blue, almost white. They understood, her rocks, they grounded her and made her feel precious and loved. But it never seemed enough. Never enough.
When she turned eleven and received her Hogwarts letter, she wasn't truly surprised. It honestly didn't phase her a bit to know magic existed, little rarely did. Her mother worried at how calm her child always seemed, as it was a trait she had noticed often in her own mother. Yet, even she wasn't altogether surprised at Hermione being a witch.
When she was in her dark blue periods, she would often find that Hermione's clothes seemed duller, less colorful, somber even. The most remarkable change had been when Hermione was nine and her magenta blouse had turned the blackest of blacks. She had been truly worried then, as Hermione's eyes had reflected her clothes. They had been a dark brown, empty, and had held an undercurrent of despair. The small, bushy-haired girl had reeked an aura of sadness then, and Mrs. Granger kept her eyes on her that day. It had been frightening to see her daughter a shell of a person, devoid of emotions.
However, even without being surprised, it was one of the few times Mrs. Granger had seen Hermione excited. The very idea of starting a new life with people who didn't know her was tantalizing, especially when she realized how much there was for her to learn.
It had been a sad day seeing her daughter leave and cross the threshold of platform nine and three-quarters. In the split second before her daughter disappeared through the wall, Mrs. Granger had a wild thought, 'My baby is going to die She is going to die in that god-forsaken school She is going to die I can't let her die' She wanted to scream out to her daughter to not go, to stay at home with her where she would be safe, where she would protect her. But she didn't. She knew this was her child's opportunity to change, to get a chance at a life where she would be in that wonderful light blue. She didn't stop her.
Over the years she had received letters from Hermione. In her first year, when she wasn't being accepted by her peers, when she met two infuriating boys, when she made friends with said boys, when her life was a soft blue and she was happy.
In her second year, her daughter talked of her friends, of helping her friend Harry, but without warning, the letters ceased. Her daughter had been petrified, something she could not rap her mind around, and she felt miserable at the fact that she hadn't kept her baby safe when she had the chance. But then, her daughter was okay, and told her tales of her wonderful friends, and how her world didn't really waiver to that dark blue that many times. Her child was happy, and had a happy glint in her eyes that she hadn't seen in a long time. She hadn't had the heart to tell her that she couldn't go to her school again, and so, on September 1st, her daughter crossed the platform again.
In her third year, she received frantic letters about her friend Harry being targeted by a murderer, about fights about rats and brooms. Those were the times she went into her black phases. Her friends had abandoned her for rats and broomsticks. It took all her strength not to go to Hogwarts, muggle or not, and grab those boys and smack them up. Then, letters arrived telling her about her and her friends making up, something that didn't please Mrs. Granger. The boys had abandoned her daughter for petty items and caused her to go into her worst phases ever; what was to say it wouldn't happen again? At the end of that year, letters came telling her of a crime and twists and corruption that only befitted a soap opera on the telly. She had been extremely wary about sending her daughter to school that year, but again, on the first of September, she stood faithfully at the platform, waiving her daughter off.
Fourth year brought several high emotions to her daughter. The tournament her friend Harry was in, the fights, the drama. It was also the year her daughter went out with an older man, something that caused Mrs. Granger to be deeply concerned about. That year was wrapped up with the death of one of the contestants, a boy Hermione had been friends with. Her daughter sunk into the first of her many blacks, no longer a navy blue. The somber girl her daughter had become once more scared Mrs. Granger more than anything. Her daughter had been extremely close to the contestant, Cedric Diggory, a name she had read in passing in several of Hermione's letters. Her depression had gone to a place Mrs. Granger hadn't witnessed before, who didn't want to even think about how much further it could go before her child snapped.
Fifth year was the worst of them all. Her daughter felt isolated from her friends, her bickering with both boys was at an all time high. In her letters, Hermione had confessed to crying herself to sleep, with her curtains silenced so as to not make her roommates aware. This tore at Mrs. Granger's heart, who desperately wanted to go with her instincts and take away her baby from the place that had once held the promise for a better life for her daughter. The school year culminated with her daughter being almost killed and a close friend of hers murdered.
She had almost lost her daughter the past summer. The potions she was forced to consume caused her depression to worsen to the point where she found her baby with a blade held to her wrist. The man who was killed had been like an uncle of sorts, and the pain of his death combined with the potions almost proved to be too much. She arrived in time luckily, but the moment when she saw her child almost end her life would be forever imprinted in her mind.
With desperation clawing at her heart, her mind screaming at her to stop Hermione, her teeth biting her lip to stop from speaking out, she hugged Hermione goodbye, feeling that the year would make or break her daughter. She knew she couldn't keep her daughter away, but it didn't matter, her heart was breaking as she saw empty brown eyes turn and leave, catching sight of bushy hair disappearing into the wall. Mr. Granger stood stoically, holding her as she wept for her child.
It was a mere few months later that had Hermione Granger standing in the Astronomy Tower, contemplating the time it would take for her to die. It would be an ironic end, the girl who feared heights throwing herself from the highest tower. She stood there thinking, bitterly wondering if her two boys would even care, as they now had their new third part of the 'Golden Trio'. So deep in her thoughts was she that she failed to see a person enter the tower, silently making their way towards her.
"Hello Hermione Granger!" A slightly dreamy, sleepy voice announced their presence. Hermione whipped around, finding herself staring into the glazed, gray eyes of Luna Lovegood. The young girl in front of her had a comprehending look in her eyes, as if recognizing something in Hermione's stance. "My, it's blue tonight, isn't it?"
Hermione's ears perked at the world and she stared at Luna for a few seconds before realizing she was waiting for a response. "It is." She eyed the other girl warily, waiting for her to talk meaningless chitchat. Instead, the girl surprised her by clasping her hand and moving her towards the edge of the tower.
"You see how Saturn is exceptionally bright tonight? It means that it is a night of revelations, of friendship. I think I was meant to find you here, don't you Hermione Granger?" With that said, Luna turned her head towards Hermione and gave her a smile that spoke volumes. It was bright and innocent, like a child's, yet it was knowing and kind. Its radiance caused Hermione to be transfixed; having never been given such a smile aimed her way. It made her want to do anything so that the blonde remained smiling forever, for her. It was a smile that held promises of light blue days, maybe even that delicious shade that almost seemed white. The smile sent shivers down her back, a feeling that warmed her like a cup of hot chocolate during cold winter nights. Her friendship with the small Ravenclaw was kicked up a few notches.
"I think so." Luna was given a beaming grin that seemed foreign on Hermione's usually solemn face. Her friends, if they even cared, had not seen that smile since she was a first year, a time that seemed far away.
Friends. They were the reason for all her heartbreak and sorrow, for all her tears and sobs. Yet, they were also the ones responsible for her smiles, for her happiness, for her beautiful days that were that perfect shade of blue. Still, she could not ignore the fact that they had hurt her a lot this year, never talking to her, neglecting her, except on the night an assignment was due. Her friends that made her feel 9 all over again, dressed in black, never able to get out of the overwhelmingly dark shade of blue. Her friends made her feel that she should just end the meager life she held, a half life, constantly cloaked in darkness. A life that seemed empty until two little boys came and rescued her from the troll that had promised her her eternal sleep.
And they took it all away. They had gone through her defenses and she had let them into her heart, trusting that they would break her most precious possession. But they did. They left her for other girls who weren't with them during the worst of times, girls who belittled her and made her feel worthless. Their friend of six years was thrown into the background while their precious girlfriends were wrapped around them like leeches. Leeches that sucked out anything good from them. Her boys were not the same; they were changed into shells of the men they were close to becoming.
Lavender Brown and Ginny Weasley seemed to only exist to block her friends' priorities from them. They caused them to ignore all the chaos, the destruction, the war that was going on outside of the castle walls. They caused them to forget their number one girl, the girl who had always been there, never asking for anything in return except for their friendship. Never asking for anything except protection from her personal demons who wanted to drown her, drown her and destroy her. And so this all culminated with Hermione Granger standing in the Astronomy Tower, contemplating her death.
"It won't always seem that blue, Hermione Granger." Luna's whimsical voice broke her from her thoughts. The odd Ravenclaw had seen the emotions pass through the eyes of the lost Gryffindor. "The blue will go away, leaving behind only the purest of whites. And that day will come soon to you, Hermione." The girl's gray eyes sharpened and focused, looking deeply into empty brown eyes, before she stopped abruptly and nodded to herself. " Yes, Hermione Granger, you will be better soon." With that, she grabbed the older girl and pulled her into a hug before leaving the tower and a smiling Hermione behind.