It has been ten years since then since I left Ouran.
I became the great multi-billionaire bachelor patriarch of the Ootori family. I have the brains, the talent, the possession, and the looks: everything that a common boy desires, but there is one thing that I didn't have for Christmas. . .
Every night I sleep on my bed, setting aside all of my stress and work at the foot of the door of my condominium, she is the first person who was on my mind. Every time I close my eyes, her smiling face appears, which makes me go insomniac.
Another restless night for me, indeed.
No matter I do forget about how I felt, my world was Haruhi Fujioka, yes. I admit that. In this world, you can't have the chance of telling someone that you love them until you make the first move. Timing was really bad for me. Every time she pops out of my head, my heart skipped a beat: I can't even hear it beating. Suddenly, tears were starting to fall down from my eyes . . . I realize that I was all alone after all these years . . .
tokei no hari ga niji wo sashite
kon'ya mo nemurenu yoru ga kita
koi no hitotsu ushinattemo
douyou suru koto wa nakatta
ima made nara tameiki wo tsuite
kako ni fukitobashite ita
(The clock reads 2 o clock
I experienced another night of no rest
For I have lost my love without emotion yet
I can just sigh and try to lose the past)
I must forget her . . . she was happy right now with Tamaki. I must do the right thing. I was too late, indeed to tell her. It's too late to regret right now. The moment I decided for my best friend's happiness than mine, solitude crossed my heart. There's nothing in this world I rather be, but to be alone in Christmas - again.
Wait, my phone just rang . . . Who could it be?
"Kyoya Ootori speaking -"
"Kyoya-senpai?"
This voice . . . it can't be . . .
"Haruhi . . ."
"Sorry to bother you. Are you busy?"
"I . . . am not busy right now. I was going to rest right now"
"Oh . . ."
"What's with you right now calling me, in this late hour?"
A moment of silence crossed our conversation. I know when she's like this . . . she's hurt or alone in her apartment.
"Where's Tamaki?"
She never answered back, but she didn't turn the phone off.
"I will be there in an hour. Wait for me . . . don't go anywhere"
Then, she turns her phone off. I know that she's at ease right now. Picking up my glasses, I rise up from the bed, changed my clothes and picked up my car key. I hurriedly went on the parking lot, hopped on my car, started the ignition and drive out of the condominium complex I lived.
I need to be with Haruhi right now. She mustn't be alone right now. Where everybody else is not around for her, I want to be the man standing next to her. I want her to be complete. It's enough to repay my debt all of these years for not telling her how I really feel.
All those years, seeing them each other was unbearable for me. I was Tamaki Suoh's best friend after all.
There was a time when I was really able to tell my feelings for her . . . it was the time when I graduated from high school to declare that I will be waiting for her until we graduate college, not just that, but adding her debt frequently is the only way to make her stay in the host club, those signs that I show my utmost sincerity, but I always knew that Tamaki fell in love with her, so are the rest of the guys, except Hani-senpai. Letting her go for him was hard at first: In that time when I snatched her from him to dance with me at the day of the festival when she was still a freshman, I felt that it was the first and last dance that I will be doing for her, before I shut my feelings for her.
But I was wrong. Letting her go to Tamaki was like hitting myself with a rock.
ai shikata ga wakaranai dake ja naku
hito wo shinjiru koto ga dekinai mama
tada jikan dake ga sugite yuku
watashi wo okizari ni shite
(I could always comprehend my love
But I never felt like I could trust
So time passed by
And I was left behind)
I found her at the park near her apartment, sitting on a swing. She looked down at the ground. It was freezing cold since Yuletide season was near. She didn't wear any coat, just her white polo and her slacks, her feet wasn't protected by any footwear. Her hair wrestled on her shoulder, her curves matches her working garment. But, why she was like this?
She stared at me, her tears were falling. I was right. She was hurt. But why?
"Haruhi . . . It's been ten years since then . . ."
She ran towards me, reaching for her arms to hug me. I was lost for words.
"Kyoya . . ."
My cheeks were burning red. It was the first time to hear her say my name this bad. Her arms reached for the nape of my neck as she rested her head on my chest. I couldn't help to bring myself to hug her back for a moment of time. It was really breathtaking to feel like this.
"What happened, Haruhi? I was worried about you when you called in this hour, and you were all alone here in the park without even wearing a coat . . ."
"Kyoya, I was really stupid enough not to see things clearly"
"What do you mean?"
kanashimi ga atte hitori ni natte
kodoku no kakera wo mune ni daite
anata ni deatte hajimete kidzuita
shiawase ga aru koto wo
(I was only sad when I experienced solitude
It was the feeling closest to my heart
But when I met my love
I felt I could be happy too)
I don't get it. I can feel my heart pounding abnormally. What was this feeling? Please, someone make my heart stop from throbbing. I can't bear to see her like this. I want to confess her all I felt through the years I didn't see her, and yet, timing was really bad. I should retreat and construct a strategy. I may be an Ootori, but I will do everything to make her happy. I don't care about the world anymore, as long as she is with me, I couldn't ask for more.
But, I must forget you. Why are you taking my solitude out of me? Haruhi, you are the only kryptonite I had. Wait . . . Tamaki . . . where on earth are you?
"If you are asking, Kyoya, we were no longer the same as before. He left me with a note that he had a responsibility: a responsibility in which he was the father . . . I just can't . . . and I was . . ."
"Are you pregnant, Haruhi?"
She shook her head. Thank God she wasn't. If she was, I'll sue that idiot and I'll kill him by my own hands. How dare he waste all of those years and effort that I end up snuggling around the corner, waiting for the right time to tell all that I felt for her? Darn, that idiot. Instead of retaliating, I wipe her tears away. I smiled for her, she smiled back at me. I carried her in my arms and took her in the car on the way to my condominium.
While we were on the car, she was so silent and pale. She never said a word, but her tears were rushing nonstop while her vision was so far away from that. Who wouldn't thought, a top-notcher student and the former host of Ouran, now's one of the best attorneys in the world and yet, it was broken into pieces which it cannot be put back together again.
I carried her up to my unit and put her to the other room. There are few boxes that owned by my sister, which she can use it. I instructed her to change into evening attire so that I can treat her wounds at her feet while cooking a congee for her.
"Kyoya, why are you doing this to me?" she hissed as I administer Betadine on the wounded parts of her left foot.
"I should tell you that. Why you are doing this to yourself?" I asked her back. She was silent after I asked her. She took a deep breath and replied:
"To repent everything that I've done to an innocent guy who was watching me in the shadows for a long time. I think it's time to rekindle of what I felt for that guy, too"
I was puzzled.
"Would you still take me, even though there are many issues will be up away for the two of us?"
She asked me.
"What's with that sudden question?"
"Just answer me!"
"Haruhi, I . . . I still do" I lay my head back down to hide the impulse of embarrassment.
"So, why you didn't fight for me before?"
"I couldn't bring myself to lose you, but my best friend is in love with you. I don't want to lose my only best friend either. In order for him to gain happiness, I sacrificed my happiness for the sake of everybody"
"But you could have me right now. I couldn't have been hurt if you were there . . ."
"Haruhi, maybe there are times that there are some reasons why God letting these things up on us is because he wants to see how things will end up well for the both of us. There are three choices that God give us: Yes, No (Because I have better plans for you) and Wait. That's why I never give up on you, because I know God wants you to be mine"
She smiled sweetly at me, closing her eyes. She took a deep breath after she was relaxed on the bed while I am still tending her wounds on her feet.
"Would you comfort me through the night?" she asked me. I just nodded and continue to administer her Betadine on wounds of her feet.
"Then, I wouldn't mind making you stay until your wounds are healed" I said as I seal her wound with a bandage.
"There, all done . . . now the only left to do is to eat the congee and to drink the medicine"
"Kyoya, did you hate me?"
"No, I don't hate you. I love you . . . for almost ten years"
"You did? Just like what I feel?"
"You do?"
She nodded.
Oh no, I just slipped my tongue. Her tears fell from her eyes down to her cheeks. She sobbed while she hides her face with her hands. I just found myself hugging her in my arms. Since those years she wasn't here in my arms, I remained the finest bachelor a rich girl can find until the day I found her. I sacrificed my happiness to my best friend in order to have his own happiness, but he wasted every ounce of it. I shouldn't have given Haruhi to Tamaki.
I snuggle her in my bosom while making ourselves lying in the bed.
"Even I'll wait for you 'till forever, I will be always here for you"
"Promise?" she whispered, lending her pinkie finger. I nodded and laced her pinkie with mine as I kissed her in the forehead. She carefully pulled me in the bed to comfort with her. When we are settled in the bed, I manage to wrap my arms around her, and it really felt good.
ame ni nurete tatta ichido futari ga
musubareta ano yoru
kakaeta itami mo subete wasurete
shoujiki ni nareta n' da
(I remember a time when the rain fell endlessly
But when I found my love I forgot that pain
I dropped it all and finally spoke up)
I want to be like this forever.
And, I never regret what I said just earlier. I will never let her go this time. Never.
But the next thing tomorrow, she was nowhere to be found. She left a note to me:
Kyoya,
Thank you for all your kindness throughout the years. I never said goodbye to you properly because I want to search myself and reflect on what I've done that cause you heart break. I will leave everything behind. I am not worthy to face you right now. I am so ashamed of myself. Father just died a month ago before Tamaki left me. I was now a wanderer, so please don't find me.
I want to be strong in order to face you again, love. So long, Kyoya.
Haruhi
I never thought that I will be receiving this note.
She was always worth my time, effort and love. Why does she need to go? I questioned myself why does she really need to stay away from me. She wants to be a better person for me, she said. Guess I have no choice but I'll let my intelligence network to search over for her. I need to follow her in the shadows, again.
I need to be patient. For ten years, I did confess, felt her in my arms and comfort her. On what year she will be here in my arms again? I suddenly cried on the bedside. I don't know what should I do right now. I was wondering why God did this to me, but I know that he made this on purpose. I should not question him. I should be strong. When Haruhi promises, she always heeds. I should be faithful. I know you will return, Haruhi. Definitely, you will return your arms to me.
Yes, spending Christmas alone again. This would be my eleventh year celebrating it since I celebrated Christmas with her . . .
I could still remember on how we celebrated Christmas back on the high school days with her. Before fall, Haruhi and I went to a commoner shop to buy things for the cosplay next day (since I don't know where I could buy cheap abaca bags for a tropical theme). We came pass an orchard near the abaca market. I can still hear her laughing while we are riding on the bicycle.
"Are you sure it's not dangerous?" I wailed as the bicycle starts to move in a normal speed
"Kyoya-senpai, relax! Just grab my waist and you'll be fine" she laughed as she increased the speed.
I learned to grab her tightly in my arms that time. I closed my eyes and inhale her strawberry scent. As I opened my eyes to heave a big sigh, I saw a partridge in a pear tree. What could that mean? Suddenly, Haruhi stopped the bicycle.
yasashisa ga atte nukumori ga atte
kodoku wa sukoshi zutsu tokete yuku no
uragiri ga atte soredemo shinjitai
shiawase ga aru koto wo
(Your kind warmth I would always feel
It made my solitude slowly fade away
Even if you are gone
I want to still hold on to that happiness)
"What a rare sight to see . . ." she huffed as we let off the bicycle.
"What do you mean, Haruhi?" I asked.
"In Western Cultures, A partridge in a pear represents God gave all the blessings throughout the year. I couldn't believe that there's a partridge living here in the orchard. I used to play here alone and yet, this pear tree still grows, maybe it grew taller than me, but it grew really strong" she narrated.
Slightly, I feel a sting in my heart that time. I unconsciously hold her left hand and squeeze it gently. Suddenly, Haruhi looked at me with surprise, her face was red. I just smiled.
"At least you're not alone anymore" I said.
"I am glad to share this moment with you senpai" she smiled, hugging me in the process. I was surprised on how she acts today. I did hug her in reply.
"I'm honored to be with you at this moment, Haruhi" I whispered.
Another year passed. Intelligence network says that she was diligently worked at her newly-built law firm to help people in need, just like her mother. She constantly reads magazines about me, eventually buying them every month. She always smiles on having me on the top of the business companies again. She never hangs out with men, except with the host club guys: Mori-senpai and Hani-senpai trained Haruhi aikido and kendo, the twins Hikaru and Kaoru invited her for numerous fashion shows at Milan, wearing the final piece. Of course, the twins contacted me about the design and the piece of cloth they will be sewing. Haruhi never knew that I bought and choose the unique designs for her. Tamaki, on the other hand, demands a divorce from Éclair after he found out that the father of her son wasn't him. Will Tamaki ever come back at Haruhi? I must hurry before I'll miss my chance again . . .
As the snow fell from the sky, I relaxed myself on the bed, setting aside all the problems, stress and the world off my shoulders. The moment I closed my eyes, I was lost in the midst of reality, seeing Haruhi all over my dreams. It has been a year when she was here in my arms, and yet she was lost in the middle of nowhere. I need to find her before it's too late again . . .
The clock alarmed four in the dawn. I can't feel the coldness of the room as someone was hugging me from behind . . . BEHIND ME? Who could it be? I didn't move a muscle nor an inch from my bed - The person who was spooning me smelled like strawberries and milk . . . I can feel the emptiness inside me was filled with hope and love as she faced me. Her brown, hazel eyes were shining in the darkness, her gaze piercing my whole ego. Her soft, milky skin was pressing against mine, her touch makes me go uneasy so much that I want to own her for the rest of my life. She was my everything . . .
"Kyoya . . . I'm back"
I was shocked. I never expect this day would come - the day when she was on my side, hugging me and relieving my stress away. She was purring at my back right now, check to make sure that I am okay.
"Since when . . ."
"I slept for half an hour already . . . Sorry if I . . ."
"Haruhi?"
"Yes?"
"Why are there candle lights all around?"
"It seems that you forget to pay your electricity bill"
Crap. Did I miss that one too? It's really embarrassing.
"Oh, who wouldn't thought that the great Kyoya Ootori slipped this miscalculation. Don't worry I contacted the company and ALREADY paid your bill, and man! It's kinda huge" she chuckled.
"You don't have to . . ." I mumbled.
"Still sleepy?" I nodded. She heard my stomach grumbling.
"Yet your stomach's awake. I'll cook for you . . ." she insists.
"Would you mind if I can go with you in the kitchen?" She just nodded.
I can see the candle lights everywhere. As the snow continues to fall down outside, my room was sparkling with the candle lights everywhere I go. As I sit on the dining chair, Haruhi was wearing her creamy pink sweater dress matched her slender body. As she wears my green apron, tying her hair in place and she begins to cook pancakes and sunny side eggs. She knows my favorite so much.
"Coffee or Fresh milk?" she asks.
"Fresh milk please" I pleaded. She just smiled.
I can't believe that she's there . . . in front of me, preparing breakfast for me. That smile, her scent, her milky scent, her chocolate eyes, the same Haruhi that I loved since from the beginning. . .
"Kyoya, did you heard about Tamaki?"
"Yes, I do . . ."
"He was trying to butt in again . . . and I told him the truth"
"What truth?"
"The truth that I loved you since the beginning I met you and your sinister smile"
I chuckled. I don't know what but I can't stop laughing, until my tears fell down from my eyes. Haruhi was shocked after I nailed my emotions out.
"Kyoya?"
I just hugged her. Why on earth was I soft this time? All of my burdens shouldered on me suddenly gone when she kissed me on the forehead.
tsuyogarazu anata ni tsutaeru kara
kondo wa kaeranaide
(Somehow I was able to tell you what I felt
I didn't believe you would ever come back to me)
"I never thought that you will come back to me . . ." I whispered on her ear. She was gasping.
She pulls me close to hug her tight. I heaved a relieved sigh after that. I never knew . . . that I won't be alone again in this season again . . . As soon as I release my arms on her, she immediately served our breakfast. Fresh milk was on the mug, serving each other spoons with pancakes overflowed by the sweet syrup of honey and garnished with butter. Sunny side up eggs was on the right taste, a tidbit of kisses on the cheeks and a teaspoon of laughter. After we eat our breakfast, she pulls me closer to her in the living room. The candle lights are still glowing and shining in the dark, as she was putting her arms on the nape of my neck, putting my arms on her waist.
"I will always come back at your side, but this time, I won't let you go again, Kyoya. I will never let you go" she smiled at me.
She leaned on my chest as she kissed the corner of my lip. I make her stand firm on the floor and I lowered myself, cupping her two cheeks to kiss her. She kissed me back in reply. Slowly, our tongues shovel at each other, satisfying our hunger and passion on each other. I can feel Haruhi's hands raking my hair, I moaned softly as we break our kiss apart. We were gasping because of what we did just now due to lack of oxygen. It was literally breath-taking: it was my first kiss after all . . .
I was asking for this moment to come, and yet, it was so fast for me to take all of these happenings.
kanashimi ga atte hitori ni natte
kodoku no kakera wo mune ni daite
namida wo nagashite jibun wo yurushite
kodoku no kakera wo tebanashitara
ashita wa waratte anata wo ai shite
shiawase wo kanjiyou
shiawase ni nareru kara
(I was only sad when I experienced solitude
It was the feeling cloest to my heart
My crying never ceased but I could forgive myself at last
So the next day I would smile and love them again
I felt that I could be happy too
Because it's possible for me)
"Kyoya . . ."
"Haruhi . . . I"
". . . Love you! . . ."
Now that was awkward.
We began to let soft chuckles out and laughed each other as our tears flow in our cheeks. As the sun rises from the mountains of Mount Fuji, I pinned her in the couch with my two hands on each of the side of her neck, my left knee on her left hip. Now, she can't escape my sight anymore.
"Sorry if I let you go for him, I shouldn't . . ."
"Kyoya, I understand. Forgive me too for confessing so late"
"Me too. Me too."
"Let's start over?"
"Meeting you was the beginning of my dreams . . . and definitely we will start to build things again from the start"
"Haruhi . . ." I smiled as she wrapped her arms around me.
"There's nothing I could wish for, my dear soon-to-be-husband" she smirked.
"That sinister smile, eh? You're so sly" I taunted her as I rested in the couch with her, enlightened her in my warm embrace.
The snow still pours outside the window as the shards of loneliness fades away from me, for I have the final piece for me to be complete once again . . . I am now complete. I am not broken anymore. I am free to be with her. I want her. I don't want to let her go again. I'll never let go of her, ever again this time. I will make her my bride, my wife, my mother to our kids, and the grandmother of our grandchildren.
Truly, Haruhi Fujioka is much worth to wait for . . .
A.N:
This story was a gift for one of my senpais on KyoyaHaruhi group at DeviantArt, tmwillson3. The Title "Kodoku no Kakera" (Fragments of Solitude) came from Angela Aki. I don't own Bisco Hatori's Ouran High School Host Club and its characters, and the song itself. The flow of the story was my idea :)
~ Eri