Disclaimer: I own nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don't sue me.
WARNING: This is NOT a romantic story. This was written during the summer between the 3rd season ending and the 4th season starting, so anything supposedly set in 4th season is AU. If you are just looking for a general Regina fic with a hint of Outlaw Queen, then this is the fic for you. If not, surf on.
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Enchanted Forest, 10 years before the casting of the Dark Curse…
The ride back to the castle was a slow one. She didn't love her husband and despised her step-daughter, yet for the first time since—Daniel—she felt alive.
"You have potential, dearie," the gold man lilted. "We have much work to do, you and I."
A small, fearful voice warned her away, urged her to mount her horse and ride past the gold man who had trained the monster her mother had become. But a smaller voice whispered hope in her ear. Hope that magic had taken Daniel away but that powerful enough magic might bring him back. "Let's start then."
The gold man giggled at that. "So eager!" he trilled, moving his fingers for emphasis, "But not now, dearie. I have a deal to make in a neighboring kingdom. No. Return to your castle and I'll collect you in the morning."
"I'm not going back," her voice was quiet yet firm. She wanted her freedom and had no intention of staying now that her mother was gone.
"Yes, you are," Rumpelstiltskin's playful tone turned flat. His fingers moved to indicate her horse and hastily packed saddlebags. "This really wasn't well thought out, dearie. Your mother may be gone, but your father remains. What do you suppose would happen to him if the king's lovely, young wife were to run away?"
It didn't take long for Regina to mentally fill in that blank. King Leopold wasn't an attentive husband, but even during their brief acquaintance, she knew him to be fiercely possessive. If she ran, her father was already at the king's castle. It wouldn't inconvenience him at all to move her father's rooms to a dungeon.
Rumpelstiltskin grinned as understanding dawned.
"Tomorrow then," she agreed.
Passing through the front gates, Regina noted how no one looked her in the eye, how no one commented on her packed saddlebags or traveling clothes, how the mounted cavalry made haste to appear to be running regular drills instead of being the obvious search party that was about to be launched. In case there had been any doubt as to the king's intent, he met her in the corridor with her father, all concern on the surface.
"My dear, I was worried! No one knew where you had gone, and your horse was missing."
Regina saw past the veil of concern to the armed escort and pallor of her father's features. Summoning a smile, Regina forced a hint of humor into her tone, "I wasn't kidnapped, I assure you. I remembered a book of my mother's at our old home, and I wasn't sure how long I would be away for." Regina schooled her features to convey the confused apology of a young woman-turned-queen who didn't really understand the trouble she was causing. She held her breath, hoping that he would not see through her ruse.
Finally, the king's shoulders twitched forward, a subtle release of tension. "A memento, of course," his eyes clouded over with private grief, her story plucking a heartstring. Still, the suspicion was there.
Playing the part, Regina removed the book from her saddlebag. For a moment, she allowed her gaze to linger on the intricate metal lacing surrounding the ruby heart on the cover. This book that contained the name of the man who had taught her mother how to destroy and manipulate hearts. The man who would teach her to regain Daniel's heart. Using the tears that threatened, Regina looked up at her father and smiled. "It was just where you said it was."
The king shifted slightly to glance behind him. "Your father claimed not to know where you were."
Regina heard the shift in tone and knew he was accepting her story. "I asked him not to," she lied, clutching the book a bit tighter for effect. "I wanted to do this alone."
King Leopold's expression softened, misinterpreting her grief. "Of course," he said, placing knobby hands on her shoulders in an almost fatherly manner, "and you are safe to travel anywhere in my kingdom, but the guard must be informed, and at least a small escort must go with you. You are the queen and should not be seen to travel alone."
Clamping down on the instinct to pull away, Regina forced her shoulders to relax, as if she found comfort in his gesture. Not trusting her voice, she offered a strained smile instead. The king did not see the strain and left her with empty words of wanting her to be comfortable and happy. When the king and his guards were gone, she flung her arms around her father, the book pressing against her chest. They were prisoners for now, but magic would give her the power to set them free.
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Enchanted Forest, 9 years before the casting of the Dark Curse…
Her magical training progressed but not quickly enough. She was just as frustrated as her mentor appeared to be, unable to master a simple transportation spell.
"STOP!" Rumpelstiltskin shrieked, fingers ticking for emphasis. "Just. Stop." He stalked back towards his research table where he had been testing a seemingly innocuous piece of paper with different potions when she'd arrived that morning.
"We're not done yet—"
"Oh, yes we are, dearie," he interrupted. "It's not the magic, it's you. You're stopping yourself. Leave. Come back tomorrow. BUT—!" he raised a finger, "—leave your escort at the castle."
Regina stopped. "I can't cast the illusion spell yet," she reminded him. Every morning, Regina left the castle for a long morning ride with her personal escort, and every morning her mentor cast an illusion spell on them to fill their minds with blurred recollections of a leisurely ride through the forest while Regina actually studied magic in the Dark Castle.
"Then don't come on a horse," he countered, each syllable deliberate. "Now, leave."
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Enchanted Forest, 8 years before the casting of the Dark Curse…
The heart didn't work.
This single thought reverberate inside, filling her being. Regina clung to herself, willing the thought to stay, because once it was gone, she would be empty. Empty of hope. Empty of love.
Days passed.
She dutifully magicked away the food brought to her rooms so no one would know she wasn't eating. Still, the thought echoed, The heart didn't work.
When she became aware again, the thought was gone. Numbed, Regina reasoned logically, 'There's no point to anything now. I have nothing.' Yet even as she thought this, she knew it was wrong. Even with Daniel gone, with every chance of reclaiming her past extinguished, something remained. Purpose. Terrible, awful, powerful purpose.
But she was too weak to see it.
More days passed, only part of the meals now magicked away, giving her mind enough fuel to crystalize the new thought that was trying to take hold. Mid-brush through her hair, her gaze suddenly sharpened, the fragments of her life rearranged and fusing together. She had never had the power to reclaim what she'd lost, but she could have the power to free herself. To free her father. To be happy again. But not with the king alive. He had to die and could not appear to die by her hand. Assassins could be caught and poisons traced, but magic…
"Magic will set me free."
Her voice came out gravely from disuse. A bitter smile tugged at her lips. The new voice suited her new self. Her new purpose. Slowly, Regina turned her attention to the mirror. The face did not fit the voice, tear-stained and pale. Deliberate, Regina opened the untouched jars of makeup that had been wedding gifts. She would reinvent herself. She would create a new face to match her newfound purpose. A self strong enough to claim her happily-ever-after.
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Enchanted Forest, during the Missing Year…
The face that stared back at her no longer fit. Before, this face had been the symbol of her strength to take back her happy ending. Her armor that she showed the world. That had been before she'd found happiness again. Before Henry.
The face was no longer protection but a mask. A façade to make others believe that she still possessed that strength. That purpose.
It didn't work, of course. Not on those who had known her in Storybrooke. Snow and Charming were particularly annoying, especially since they were in the unique position to empathize with being separated from their child. For them, though, it was different. True, Emma was trapped in another realm with no memory of her parents, but the Charmings had few memories to miss with their daughter, courtesy of Regina's curse. They hadn't experienced the full joy of a child's wonder or the terror that came when he was in danger and truly was helpless. Regina had done the best she could for Henry, giving Emma and him memories that had just been hers and her son's, but she couldn't protect him anymore. Emma had magic, but she wouldn't remember it. Anything could be happening to her son, and she would never know.
Such thoughts consumed her, chipping away at the armor she wore.
Aside from unsuccessfully trying to uncover what Zalena was doing, bantering with The Thief was the only thing that distracted Regina from worrying about Henry. Ironically, The Thief's son was her strongest reminder of what she's lost. Despite this, she couldn't seem to avoid the child. He had his father's gift for effortless stealth coupled with a child's ability to see past the Queen's face.
"Mi'lady," Roland started, copying his father's manner of address, "why is your face always sad?"
Regina froze, reminded of another little boy who had asked such a question on the anniversary of Daniel's murder. "I'm not sad."
Roland hadn't believed her. He saw past her old face, but she didn't have a purpose to change it for. Henry was her purpose, and Henry was gone.