Title: A Little White Lie

Author: SignCherie

Pairing: Anders/f!Hawke

Summary: Hawke is awkward around men. To get her to loosen up around Anders, Bethany and Isabela tell her that Anders is only romantically interested...in other men.

"You've got it bad," said Bethany.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Hawke replied. Unfortunately, she blushed scarlet, giving away her lie.

"I'm not blind, Sister. That mage, the Grey Warden. I saw the way you looked at him."

Autumn Hawke turned even redder, and Bethany found herself amused that her big sister, the woman who could face ogres without flinching, could be so undone by one man. "You mean the incredibly good-looking, selfless healer with the free clinic? The one who devotes himself to helping penniless refugees? Yeah, I noticed him. So what?"

"So...what are you going to do?"

"I'll tell you what. I'm going to help him free his friend from the templars. Then I'm going to get those maps. And then we're going into the Deep Roads on that expedition, and that will be the end of it."

Bethany frowned. "I don't know why you're so scared of putting yourself out there. He's probably lonely."

"Yes," Hawke answered dryly. "I'm sure he has a terrible problem meeting women. What with all those desperate, grateful refugees whose lives he's saved, and all."

"Sister," said Bethany, "I don't want to interfere in your life. But if you don't make a move, how will you even know what might have been?"

Hawke hesitated. "What do you think I should say?"

Bethany smiled. "Just let him know you like him. That's all."

Nothing went as planned.

In spite of herself, Hawke was looking forward to seeing the healer again. Maybe Bethany was right. If she didn't try, she wouldn't ever know if she had a chance, right? Not that handsomely scruffy mages had any reason to be interested in beat-up, battle-scarred warriors. But maybe...it was a risk she should take.

Her heart skipped a beat when she saw him waiting outside the Chantry. There was something...lost about him. Hawke wondered if maybe Bethany was right and Anders really was lonely.

But when she approached, his face took on a determined edge, and Hawke slipped into business mode as well.

From there, everything fell to pieces.

It didn't matter that she didn't know the man. When Karl turned to face them, and she saw the Tranquil brand blazing on his forehead, it was like a blow to the face. So many nightmares of that brand had haunted her dreams. Nightmares where Bethany's face bore that mark, her eyes staring emptily. Hawke would scream and cling to Bethany's robes, knowing that it was her own fault-that she had failed to protect her baby sister. She awoke from those nightmares gasping and sweating, clutching the sheets.

She had approached Karl expecting...who knows what. A warm smile, a friendly greeting. Instead, she was met with the hollow stare from her nightmares. It was nearly a physical shock, and she didn't even know Karl.

No, it really couldn't have gone worse.

When it was all over, and they stood once again in the Darktown clinic, Hawke felt ill. She couldn't even imagine how it must feel to be the instrument of death for someone you dearly loved. It was the kind of thing she tried very hard to avoid thinking of.

She looked at Anders. He looked exhausted and miserable, his face creased with sorrow. Hawke had to fight the ache to just reach out and hold him.

Great idea.

Instead, she asked him about his glowy display of magic.

His brow furrowed in dismay. "I...this is hard to explain," he said. "When I was in Amaranthine, I met a spirit of Justice..."

Hawke listened to his explanation in growing horror as she realized what had happened to him-how his compassion and selflessness toward a friend had come back to hurt him. It was exactly the kind of thing she could imagine Bethany doing. She found herself filled with the desire to protect him-to stand between him and the world.

As if to confirm her fears, Bethany said, "You tried to help a friend. Surely no harm can come of that."

"I wish I still had your innocence," Anders answered. "There was too much hatred in me. Justice thought he could overcome that. But my anger-when I see templars now, things that have always outraged me, but I could never do anything about-he comes out. And he is no longer my friend Justice. He is a force of Vengeance, and he has no grasp of mercy."

He looked so...broken. Hawke remembered what Bethany said, that maybe he was lonely. Maybe she should just suck it up. Let him know she was...interested.

What kinds of things did women say in this situation?

He was looking at her expectantly.

She put on what she hoped was a seductive smile. "So, that explains your whole...sexy, tortured look," she said, trying her best to sound alluring.

There was an awkward pause. Bethany put her face in her hands.

Hawke realized suddenly just exactly how badly timed her proclamation was. The man had just been forced to kill a dear friend and was confessing his most horrible regrets, and here she was, throwing herself at him. Anders was looking at her with his eyebrows raised.

She wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear.

"Perhaps I should check a looking glass more often," Anders said lightly. "I had not thought to find a woman who would look past what I just said."

Hawke wanted to say something, to apologize, but he was going on, all business. "My maps are yours. As am I, if you wish me to join your expedition. I thought I was done with the Grey Wardens, but if you have any need of me, I will be waiting here."

She got out of there as quickly as she could.

"I don't think he was put off," Bethany said. "Honestly, Sister. You should give it another shot."

"Sure. Why not? And while I'm at it, I might as well stab myself in the eye. Since I'm going to be a glutton for punishment and all."

"He likes you," Bethany insisted. "Okay, yes, you put your foot in your mouth. But it didn't throw him off at all. Don't you see? That makes him perfect for you. You'd be crazy to let this one go."

Hawke sighed. "As it happens, Beth, I did try again."

Bethany paused, apprehensive. "How...did that go?"

"Terribly. I barely got the words out of my mouth before he was telling me to back off." Hawke shrugged nonchalantly, trying to show she didn't care. "He said he didn't want to see me get my heart broken."

"What? Why? What did you say to him?"

"I...told him Justice was lucky to have gotten such a nice body."

"Oh, Sister." Bethany rubbed her eyes.

"Well, how was I supposed to know what to say? You said to let him know I was interested. That's what I did, right?"

"I didn't mean for you to be quite so forward about it. But I can't believe he shot you down. It's obvious he's crazy about you. He looks at you like-like he's drowning, and you're his life raft."

"He does not. And it doesn't matter. Let's face it, Sister," Hawke said. "I'm just not cut out for the whole romance thing. If I'm not killed by raiders or something, I'll probably die alone, a miserable, old lady. With cats. A miserable, old, cat lady. Best I get used to the idea now."

A few weeks passed. Anders became an indispensable member of Hawke's party, though she could barely meet his eyes, let alone hold a conversation with him. In her quest for coin to fund her expedition, she found herself making even more allies, including the sexy pirate, Isabela.