DISCLAIMER: Credit goes to Bioware.
EDIT: Fixed some spelling and grammar mistakes. Removed repeated words, added missing ones. Sorry for the horrible proof reading. I think I am going to add a second chapter soon - this doesn't work too great as a one-shot.
AUTHOR's WARNING: Non-con smut and some Anders love. Reader beware.
Originally this had a few sections from Fenris' POV, but I took them out. If enough people read this and want them I will be more than happy to oblige.
Enjoy.
-SFJ
It was all Isabela's idea.
Hawke had not given in to the pirate's insistence at first. The plan seemed almost cruel, and definitely manipulative.
Yet the Rivaini seemed sure it would work.
Well of course it would work. The worry was not over it's effectiveness. Hawke had witnessed the effect on a smaller scale many times. It was the execution that Hawke found herself so distressed over. What if she was not convincing enough? Her actions could easily anger him before they could stir up jealousy.
What if Anders caught on? What if he did not forgive her? Isabela's plan was not very considerate of his feelings, but Hawke had to admit...there was no one else who could affect Fenris quite as much.
Hawke couldn't deny she was a pathological flirt, but all of her companions seemed to realize that her teasing comments were harmless.
Well, all but one deliciously tempting ex-slave.
The only time Fenris showed affection for her was when she came on to someone else. Well, affection might be the wrong word. It was more like protection – and Hawke was unpleasantly aware that being protective did not equal being in love...or even in like. Most of the time he seemed no more affectionate towards her than anyone else, mages excluded. Perhaps he just didn't like people very much.
Hawke could not help but wonder what his reaction would be if she took her everyday come-ons to the next level. Would he give himself away, reveal any small hint of his desire for her - or would he only hate her for her deception? The possibility nagged at her mind.
Lately Hawke found herself flirting more and more with her fellow companions. A feeble attempt to get a reaction out of the taciturn elf. Though her attentions to Anders invoked the harshest reactions by far. Perhaps Fenris perceived the mage as his steepest competition – though that would imply he had feelings for her. A fact Hawke found hard to wrap her head around, no matter how much she longed for it to be true.
How do I see this ending? What do I expect from him. An undying declaration of love? Hawke could not help but scoff at her pathetic dreams.
None of those things sound much like Fenris. Hawke could not even imagine what the elf would be like as a lover. Since he gave so little of his inner self away.
Hawke jumped as the door to her room flung open suddenly, a grinning Rivaini leaning seductively against the door frame. Only Isabela could exude that much sex appeal by merely posing. A menacing smirk crept across her friend's face as she eyed the other woman.
"That brooding elf won't know what hit him." she chuckled softly, " It's time to go sweet thing, we don't want to keep lover boy waiting."
"I hope you're right." Hawke said, though the pirate had already reached the stairs. She checked herself in the mirror just once more.
I look ridiculous.
Hawke scooped her daggers off the bed and followed after Isabela. Assuring herself that the pirate queen would not lead her astray.
"Anders!" Hawke crooned drunkenly when the healer finally arrived at the Hanged Man. Her heavy mug of ale sloshing as she leaped unsteadily to her feet, greeting the apostate with a warm embrace.
The lack of his presence earlier had momentarily thrown Hawke. She had feared she might be forced to abandon her mission. It annoyed her that hours of hair and makeup – not to mention the uncomfortable get-up Isabela had purchased for her – might have been for naught.
The alcohol must really be getting to me.
That was the only explanation Hawke could find. Why else would she be enjoying this so much? She wasn't twisted, but she was surprised how genuine her enthusiasm was - how little pretend she actually had to play as she smothered the mage with her affections.
Not that she usually found Anders unappealing. In fact, Hawke was sure that in the absence of Fenris she would be first in line for the apostate's attentions.
Still, she did not have to love him to enjoy the way the feathers of his robe softly tickled her nose, or the way his warm hands rested sweetly at the small of her back.
He even smelled good – a strange mixture of healing herbs and poultices. Hawke drank him in with an enthusiasm that was definitely not part of her act.
Woah girl.
Hawke was so distracted by their embrace that she payed no attention to Fenris. Failing to notice how the elf shifted uncomfortably in his seat, aiming a low growl in their direction.
"Ok lovebirds! Time to break it up or get a room." Varric cleared his throat nervously, more than aware of the seething man across from him. A man not particularly known for his saint-like temper or self-control.
Hawke pulled back from Anders almost reluctantly, feeling more than a small amount of pride at the handsome glow now covering his cheeks. Fenris never gave her anything but cautious friendship and harsh words...but Anders? She knew he would love her if she only gave him a chance...maybe he already did.
Turning back to Varric, Hawke lifted her nearly empty tankard as a weak explanation for her behavior. The beardless dwarf throwing what looked suspiciously like an eye-roll their way.
Ok, so maybe he was on to her.
Isabela snickered under her breach, trying to disguise the sound as a cough.
That just left Merrill, who was never one to disappoint.
"Oh Hawke, you two look so cute together. I'm so glad you finally found someone." If Hawke hadn't been so embarrassed she might have cracked a grin at the girl's naivety.
As it was she only blushed and for some reason did not feel inclined to refute the blood mage's claim. Instead she simply returned to her seat, shooting a nervous glance towards Anders out of the corner of her eye. He sat down close beside her. Very close beside her. Holding her gaze as he offered her a reassuring smile.
So that was it then, neither of them were going to deny it? That wasn't part of the plan.
Varric's voice cut sharply into Hawke's train of thought.
"Down boy." The dwarf's normally humorous tone sounded forced, and as Hawke tore her eyes from the blonde mage's face she could clearly see why.
Fenris was furious.
Already his gauntleted hands had carved deep ruts in the wood where he gripped the table. The planks straining as his grip tightened on the edge. Hawke thought the elf looked like it was Anders' throat he really wanted to grab. She had gotten him to react, but she remained unsatisfied. He didn't seem jealous, he just seemed... Angry.
Oops.
Hawke looked away nervously. Not particularly wanting to add fuel to that fire. She had wanted him to be jealous, but she hadn't wanted him to implode. His muscles were clenching so hard she could practically see his entire frame shake.
Under the table Anders' hand slipped shyly into hers, he had probably misread her reaction and was trying to console her. A theory that flew out the window as he no-so-subtly leaned to whisper in her ear.
"I am on to your little game," His hot breath on her neck more pleasant than it should have been. "Not that I mind."
Perhaps it did not matter whether this was real or not. It was time to close the door on her delusions of a future with Fenris, but maybe she would not have to be alone tonight.
Why am I even considering this? she had to ask herself, but Hawke already knew the answer: Because I don't want to be alone anymore.
This would end badly.
Stop this now! A voice in the back of her head was pleading with her, but Hawke had learned long ago how to ignore her own conscious.
She needed to leave now. Before this got even more out of control. Damn Isabela and her stupid plan.
Hawke stood sharply, trying to shake Anders' grip on her hand. The mage just shot her a look that was impossible to decipher. He rose by her side, their hands still clasped together, no longer hidden underneath the table.
What on Thedas is he up to? Hawke wasn't sure, but her plan had already failed. She wasn't sticking around to find out.
"I need to leave."
"We need to leave." Anders was quick to correct her, giving her hand a soft squeeze.
The cups on the table rattled violently as Fenris slammed his fist down. Stalking quickly over to them. Hawke flinched despite herself, and Anders moved in front of her protectively. Blocking her from the path of Fenris' rampage.
If he is going to hurt anyone it would be you, fool. Although Hawke couldn't deny she found Anders' reaction noble – endearing even.
Fenris fixed her with a glare that threatened to burn straight through her skin and Hawke didn't know whether to quake in fear or arousal. He was gone before she could decide, slamming the door with such force the walls of the bar shook from the shock-wave.
The moment they were alone Hawke planned on making Anders explain himself, but he had beaten her to it. Not that she was in a position to question him, not to sound like a child but, she had started it.
Yeah, but he damn well finished it.
"We need to talk about this."
Anders had insisted she accompany him to his clinic as soon as they had left the Hanged Man. Just to talk, he had assured her. Though Hawke was not so sure of his intentions.
It was hard to ignore the way he refused to untangle his fingers from hers.
Why am I encouraging this? Why indeed.
Wasn't she just as guilty for not pulling away.
The moment his clinic door was locked he had turned on her. Hawke had expected anger, accusation. Instead the mage only sounded tired.
"Explain."
"I..." She started lamely. Hawke was ashamed: Ashamed at her foolish game. Ashamed that she thought it could ever work. Ashamed that she had used her friend's emotions so callously.
"I just wanted to feel like he cared." Hawke finished just as lamely as she started. It was no excuse for her behavior, and she knew damn well how pathetic she sounded, the weakness of her words ate at her. Not that she would show him.
"I am sorry I used you." She added after another moment of uncomfortable silence. Unwilling to bare her soul anymore than she already had, Hawke simply shrugged as if to say "that's it". She could feel a burn begin behind her eyes, but Hawke refused to shed anymore tears over Fenris.
I am stronger than this, dammit.
"You do not need to stoop to such tactics just to get someone to care." Anders approached her now, a heated look in his eyes that should have perturbed her – but Hawke welcomed it.
It is not "someone" that I want to care. It's Fenris.
Even when Hawke had to step backwards to avoid contact, her back knocking softly against the clinic door, Anders did not stop his approach. Reminding her that there was nowhere to run.
"Would it be so bad?" His warm fingers reached up to push a stray strand of hair behind her ears. A romantic gesture that seemed distressingly predictable and hollow.
Don't. Hawke internally pleaded with the mage. Don't do this!
True, she had considered being with Anders before, earlier tonight even - but not now. Not when the wounds of this evening were still fresh. Maybe in a week, a month she would be ready...tonight it felt like cheating. No, Hawke wasn't comfortable with this at all.
"Marian.." She had looked away, embarrassed and not wanting to encourage him any further; but the sound of her name pulled her gaze back to him. The darkness of his eyes smoldered across her skin and she could feel her body betraying her. His lips were nearly touching hers when he spoke again, the feel of his breath sending shivers across her skin, goosebumps rising across her neck.
Please don't say it.
"I love you Marian." Anders took one more step towards her and Hawke could retreat no further. Leaving her pressed tightly against the rough surface of the door, held still by the weight of his body.."Let me love you."
This couldn't be happening. Anders knew she did not feel that way about him, she had all but confessed.
"I am in love with Fenris." Hawke choked out weakly as his lips closed in over hers, hoping her admission would save her... or at least deter him.
Anders jerked his head back as if stung by her words, and Hawke could read the hurt shining in his eyes.
"I know." He choked out, resting his head on her shoulder. "But I also know that you care for me. Maybe in time.."
He was right. It was a truth that hurt to acknowledge, but it was still a truth: Fenris would never want her as she wanted him. He would never be the man she wanted him to be. The elf had too much armor, too many scars.
"Yes," Hawke gave Anders her answer with a chaste kiss. Her lips parting with a gasp as he forced his way into her mouth. She had never imagined his would be so aggressive. A slight panic spread through her limbs, and Hawke pushed back lightly on his shoulders. He broke their kiss with an agonized groan.
"But not tonight."
Anders nodded, seeming a bit put out as he rested his forehead gently against hers, Hawke could feel the erratic puffs of his breath on her face. She was hardly affected, though Hawke could feel her heart beating more quickly than normal. A warm flush had built in her cheeks.
Well, maybe she was more affected than she would like.
"I understand love," Anders' tone was soft and empathetic as he peppered kisses across her forehead and cheeks, her nose and her chin. " and I will wait."
It had taken no small amount of coercion before Anders agreed to let Hawke walk home alone.
Despite the convenient passage between Anders' clinic and the cellar of her estate, Hawke enjoyed the long walk, it provided her much needed time to think. The cool breezes of these autumn nights granted her a rare clarity of mind.
Perhaps she really could learn to love Anders. There was definitely an attraction between him. It stung that he would never be Fenris, but perhaps it was not such a bad thing. Had her affections for the elf ever caused her anything but pain?
Hawke could not recall.
A chill ran through her that had nothing to do with the cold night air, and Hawke tugged the cloak Anders had lent her tightly across her chest. It smelt like him.
This will be good for me. He is a kind man, thoughtful...
Hawke 's body was still on autopilot when she reached her mansion - Mercifully unbothered by bandits. She went through all of the familiar motions: hanging Anders' cloak in the closet, giving her mabari a firm pet, climbing the stairs to her bedroom, stoking the fire.
So vacant was her state of mind that she did not even notice an additional presence.
The fire warmed her clammy skin as she began to peel her way out the tacky costume.
Just as her breasts sprang free from the confines of the ridiculous top a deep baritone of voice lashed out from one of her chamber's darkened corners.
"I can smell you from here..." Hawke hastily covered her chest and spun towards Fenris. How dare he accuse her of...what? Sleeping with Anders? Simply being near him. How dare he.
"..you reek of him." He concluded.
"You have no right!" She began. A full rant ready on her tongue, but he did not let her finish.
His markings lit and with inhuman speed he appeared in front of her, grasping her wrists and pulling them harshly to her sides. Hawke yelped in pain as her muscles resisted in futility.
I have pushed him too far. If he hurts me now, it is no one's fault but my own. Yet still she struggled.
Fenris was not gentle as he spun her around towards the bed, facing her away from him, one large gauntleted hand making her imprisoned wrists look dainty by comparison.
"You are mine," His deep baritone which normally sent waves of desire through her now sent shivers of fear. Hawke bit back a cry as she felt his teeth sink sharply into the skin of her neck, his free hand reaching around to fondle her breast. Gripping so hard it was sure to bruise, his metal claws pinching her nipple painfully.
"after tonight you will not forget that." To punctuate his words Fenris shover his groin firmly against her back, making his intentions clear...if they had not been before.
He is going to rape me.
Part of her mind found the revelation terrifying, but Hawke couldn't deny the deep pool of warmth that was swirling in her womb.
This is so wrong, I shouldn't want this. Yet her body remained unconvinced. Squirming underneath his touch, hands eager to be free – whether to fight or fondle him Hawke truly didn't know.
His hand left her chest only momentarily, and Hawke felt a harsh pull against her belly as he ripped sharply through her leggings. The claws of his gauntlet carving hot red streaks down the small of her back. Her legs began to quiver in anticipation.
"You want me." Fenris did not sound like he doubted the fact and, well, she wasn't much in the position to argue. Hawke could feel the slick moisture building between her thighs as she rubbed them fruitlessly together. Trying to gain some sort of satisfaction.
"I want you." She admitted weakly, a tremor in her voice as she ground herself back against him. Earning herself a soft moan as Hawke rolled her bottom against the length of him. Her eyes went wide.
Maker, he's huge.
"Good." Fenris purred into her neck as he marked her again. The swift beat of his heart against her back giving her some small sense of pride as Hawke strained against his grip in an attempt to touch him. Allowing herself a smile when a gasp escaped his lips. Her fingertips brushing against his restrained want.
Fenris released her hands and shoved her forward onto the bed. Her face buried in the ripples of her comforter as he gathered her hands over her head, confining her once more. Hawke stiffened at the rustle of his leggings as they fell to the floor. Hawke felt horribly exposed with her naked ass high in the air, her most secret parts laid out before him.
Hawke was not been expecting him to strike her, but the slap of his hand on her ass echoed sharply throughout the room. The cool metal of his gauntlets pinching the supple flesh as his grip returned, spreading her open.
"I will make you forget his touch."
A tortured moan broke from his chest, a twin to her own as Fenris rubbed himself harshly against her slickness. The pleasure of it momentarily drowning her apprehension.
I think you already have.
"Uhn...Hawke." The sound of her name on his lips only stoked the growing fire in her loins as the tip of him penetrated her. Her nether muscles clenched around him, trying in vain to pull him further inside. Hawke rocked back against him encouragingly.
Maker help me, I actually want this. She could feel him pulse within her, the rhythm of his heartbeat sending shivers of desire across her skin. What was he waiting for? Was he regretting this already? He couldn't leave her now, she would not allow it.
"Fenris, please.." The words were hard to form around a mouthful of blankets, and Hawke unsure whether he could decipher her meaning or not.
With an animalistic growl on his lips, Fenris jerked forward, pressing himself fully inside her. Hawke loosed a whimper as her walls stretched painfully to accommodate him. She wanted to curse the elf for not preparing her for his size, though - given the circumstances - Hawke had honestly expected him to be rougher. Fenris seemed almost gentle as he buried himself to the hilt within her, whispering soft words in Tevinter that calmed and excited Hawke all at once.
Move! Hawke wanted to scream, but she abstained. This moment felt too fragile for words. She rolled her hips to encourage him instead, flexing her walls tightly around his cock. Behind her the elf emitted a small whimper as rocked against him. Filling her with a twisted sense of pride.
A guttural roar filled the room as Fenris pulled back to set a frenzied pace, thrusting into her like a wild beast. Suddenly her wrists were free as his hands gripped tightly to the covers beneath them. Hawke fought the impulse to lace her fingers into his, knowing he would only reject the romantic gesture. The pressure built quickly between them, and soon Hawke could feel Fenris' whole body curled possessively over her, his chest slick and heaving against her back.
Each rough penetration struck a chord deep within her and Hawke could feel herself climbing towards her own release at a merciless pace. Quaking violently she came, her inner muscles jerking around the man inside desperately to drag him over the edge with her.
Giving in to the sensation, Fenris called her name as it overtook him. Hawke felt sated as a rush of heat filled her loins, his release trapping her in another wave of agonizing pleasure that resonated from her ears to the tips of her toes.
They came down slowly, the high of their shared climax short lived. Fenris moved inside of her weakly as he rode out his release. Her back suddenly bearing the brunt of his weight as he collapsed against her. His fury drained.
It was uncomfortable, but Hawke did not want it to end. They could have been there for hours or minutes, but it would never be long enough.
The silence between them was poisonous as Fenris pulled off of her. His demeanor had altered drastically and Hawke could tell he was reluctant to leave. She wanted to stop him, the realization came as a shock to her. Really she wasn't angry, but what does one say to their would be rapist. Hawke could find no words of consolation for him - only hard questions. Hawke felt tears prickle in her eyes as he placed a delicate line of kisses down her back as he withdrew. So similar to the kisses Anders had given her only hours before.
I should have stayed. Hawke pulled her knees tightly to her chest. Her actions shamed her, she had given in so easily. Yet she could not hate him.
When Fenris spoke again it was in a voice Hawke did not recognize. Full of sorrow and regret.
"Forgive me."
His plea hung heavy throughout the room until Hawke heard the front door slam.
AUTHOR's NOTE: I am happy with the smut in this one but not with the short plot bit at the beginning. If I am not too lazy I will probably rewrite it. Hope enough people make it through to the end.