Shak-Chic had thought, after several months of having intercourse with a human, he knew most things about the human body. It is a small and fragile thing, finely tuned.

However, as he discovers when he finds Hal stretched out naked, most likely in an attempt to be sexually alluring, on his bed one afternoon, the human body is still very surprising. It is not unusual to find Hal in his bed, in varying states of undress and arousal. What is unusual is the appearance of Hal's nipples.

They appear perfectly circular, and they are different colored now. They are now white, but have other perfectly circular and black circles within them. And they're shiny. As Hal's chest moves, the smaller dots move as well. Generally, no part of Hal's nipples move like that.

"Something wrong, babe?" Hal asks, wiggling himself. His nipples are rattling.

Shak-Chic looks at him in alarm. "Are you unwell?"

"Just waiting for you," Hal says.

"That is a poor use of your time."

"Not if it pays off at the end of the day," Hal says, grinning at him.

"I do not have time right now. I have a meeting to attend," Shak-Chic says.

"Will you be back later?" Hal stands up and walks towards him. He smacks his ass firmly, and it is almost tempting to stay. "I can wait."

"Not until much later."

Hal pouts a little, but he puts his pants back on. Shak-Chic watches carefully as he puts his shirt back on. The change in his nipples is not causing him distress or discomfort, even though they continue to rattle. Perhaps he has somehow overlooked the change? He is dense on occasion. On many occasions.

"I'll see you much later, then," Hal says. He leans up and kisses him goodbye.

Meanwhile, Shak-Chic is haunted by the thought of Hal's nipples.

Cochise is working in his office when the door chimes. He is not expecting anyone, so he checks his monitor. It is his second in command, which is not a complete surprise, but he looks worryingly concerned, so Cochise opens his door right away.

"I have a concern of a personal nature," Shak-Chic says. "I require your assistance."

Of all of the Volm under his command, his second is command is who he least expected to have come to him for advice. "Please, go on."

Shak-Chic sits in the chair and spreads his arms in a clear sign of discomfort. "You have been with your human for a longer period of time than I have been with mine. Has your human ever suddenly had a startling anatomical difference?"

There is something somewhat unsettling when his fellow Volm refer to Tom as 'his' human, as if he is some kind of pet, but Cochise understands that it is a limit of speaking in their native language.

"What kind of difference?"

"A body part taking on a different coloration and beginning to rattle," Shak-Chic says.

Cochise feels his face go purple.

"Is there something wrong?" Shak-Chic asks.

"In some species I have encountered, that is a form of illness that can be contracted via close contact, but I have never heard of this occurring specifically in humans," Cochise explains.

"Is it a serious illness?" Shak-Chic presses his hands against each other.

"It can be, but do not worry, Shak-Chic. I will find out for certain. It may even just be a normally occurring disease in humans that I have not witnessed," Cochise says.

"I appreciate your assistance in this matter."

There's a knock on Tom's door just as he's lighting the candles for dinner. He wants to finish lighting them, but the knocking turns insistent.

"Coming!" Tom says, leaving the candles half lit.

He sprints to the door and opens it to see Cochise standing there. Tom frowns at him. "Isn't dinner not for another ten minutes?"

"Yes, I realize that I am early, but I have an urgent manner to discuss with you," Cochise says. His face is flushed purple and his arms are crossed tightly.

"Okay, then come in," Tom says.

Cochise begins pacing. "Is there an illness in humans where portions of your anatomy change colors and begin to rattle?"

Tom goes wide-eyed and shakes his head. Is this some kind of Volm riddle? "I'm no doctor, but I've literally never heard of something like that."

It's usually kind of hot, when Cochise starts swearing in his native language, but something feels off this time. "I am afraid I may have some terrible news."

"You're going to start rattling and change colors?" Tom asks, gingerly touching his arm. "Is it something serious? It's okay, I love you no matter what color you are and even if you do rattle."

"That is very sweet of you, Tom Mason, but it is your son. You are aware of the intimate relationship between your eldest child and my second in command, correct?" Cochise says.

"Yes?" Tom says, shaking his head a little. "Did Hal get an intergalactic STD?"

"STD?"

"Oh god, sexually transmitted diseases. STD stands for sexually transmitted disease," Tom says. This is a conversation he never wanted to have. Whatever conversation this is.

"Then yes, it is very likely that Hal contracted an intergalactic STD," Cochise says.

"Is there some kind of treatment?"

"It affects different species in different manners. I am afraid that in mammalian species, it tends to be severe, even deadly," Cochise says.

"He's going to die?" Tom says. He almost laughs because it's absolutely ridiculous and surreal, even by their standards. His own son got an intergalactic sexually transmitted disease from his own boyfriend's second in command. Did Hal sleep through the sex talk? God, it had been a painful and awkward conversation and he didn't even take anything from it.

"It is possible," Cochise says. "We have to test to see for sure."

"Okay," Tom says, rubbing his face. "We should do that as soon as possible. I'll turn dinner off and get Hal."

"I will bring Shak-Chic and prepare the lab."

With a heavy sigh, Tom nods and goes to turn off dinner.

Cochise comes up behind him and sets his hand on his hips. "We will do anything in our power to cure him, I promise."

Tom looks up into Cochise's face and rests his hand on his cheek. "I know. Thank you, Cochise."

Cochise kisses him softly before leaving.

Hal follows Dad to the Volm compound, confused as hell. "Why do we need to go over there this late, again?" He likes going over to the Volm compound late at night, don't get him wrong, but not with his dad.

"I'll let Cochise explain," Dad says, refusing to make eye contact with him.

Hal just sighs and shakes his head as they enter the compound. They walk through parts that Hal has never been to. It's a pretty confusing place, and all he actually needs to know is how to get Shaq's room. How to get there several ways, in case of emergency or Shaq tears his pants again.

The two of them end up in what looks like a real doctor's office, but with too high tables and weird looking machines. Both Cochise and Shaq are there, watching him. Shaq almost looks sheepish, like he's just gotten yelled at or he's nervous or something. It's hard to tell, but there's a crack in his usually impenetrable expression.

"What's going on?" Hal asks, trying to back up a little.

"You may have contracted a sexually transmitted disease from my second in command," Cochise says calmly, holding a needle. "We need to examine you to know the full extent of the illness."

"Woah, woah, wait, what?" Hal says, trying to back up even further. That is one big needle. He turns to Shaq, pointing. "You said those were super safe space condoms."

"I was misinformed." Shaq peeks at Cochise and Hal realizes that his boyfriend has been talking to his dad's boyfriend about how to have sex with humans. Ew.

"How do you even know?" Hal asks. "Did you see something? You didn't even have a meeting today, did you?"

"I saw and heard something alarming when you were naked, and I had to seek out Cochise for advice. He has more experience with humans," Shaq explains.

He hears Dad making incredibly wonderful uncomfortable noises behind him. This is payback for that sex talk, Dad.

"What did you hear? We didn't get to do anything. I wasn't even playing with myself," Hal asks. He already knows that Volm find human genitalia kind of alarming, but sounds?

Dad is making even more uncomfortable noises. "Maybe I should go?"

Hal looks behind him and pretends to look scared. "What if it's bad?"

He almost feels bad at how Dad's look softens and how he rests a tentative hand on his shoulder.

"Your nipples-" Hal knew he could count on Shaq to keep going, heedless of how uncomfortable his dad looks. Shaq is spectacular. "They rattled when you moved and they are different today."

"This can be a sign of an illness," Cochise explains.

Hal bites his lip and tries not to burst out laughing. "Okay, everyone can calm down. I'm not sick."

"Hal," Tom says, squeezing his shoulder. "It's okay that you got an STD. I'm not judging you."

"Except I don't have one. I have googly eyes," Hal says, reaching into his pocket and pulling some out. "We went by a craft store while hunting for supplies, so I snagged some stuff. And then I got bored before going to see Shaq. I like googly eyes."

"Why did you place them on your nipples specifically?" Cochise says.

"Cochise!" Dad says, reaching over and grabbing him before Hal can open his mouth. "Maybe now is a good time for us to leave. Dinner is probably cold, but I can heat it back up."

"If you insist," Cochise says. He snags some googly eyes out of Hal's hand on his way by. "I am pleased that this ended well."

They're both gone, leaving Hal with a very angry looking Shaq. Hal takes a few step forwards and rests a hand carefully on his arm. "I'm sorry, Shaq. I didn't realize you'd think that something was wrong. Maybe you'd think it was dumb or whatever." They always have really good sex when Shaq is annoyed with him (which is good, because Shaq is annoyed with him almost all the time).

"It was indeed stupid," Shaq says, walking past him.

"Shaq!" Hal yells, turning.

It's hard to keep up with Shaq's wide strides, so Hal has to jog. He follows along behind him the rest of the way to his room. There are a lot of staring Volm on the way, but Hal has gotten used to that.

Shaq doesn't even try to shut the door on him, which Hal takes as a good sign. Hal sits on his bed, biting his lip. He knows that at this point, it'll be best if he waits for Shaq to say something. It's pretty likely he's pissed.

"Do not do such a thing again," Shaq says, eventually coming to sit next to him. That's a good sign.

"I know it has to be embarrassing because Cochise is your superior and all," Hal says. "But he's not gonna judge you. Heck, worrying about me totally scores points with my dad, which totally scores points with Cochise."

"I am not concerned with what Chichauk Il'sichninch Cha'tichol thinks," Shaq says with anger.

"Then what?" Hal asks. "You don't like googly eyes?"

Shaq looks more uncomfortable than Hal has ever seen him. He looks away from Hal. "It was a large waste of time. For everyone involved."

Ah. Hal presses his hand to Shaq's cheek firmly. "But it's okay now. I'm perfectly fine."

Shaq seems incrementally softer, so Hal kisses his shoulder gently. He moves to his neck and before long he is almost exactly where he wanted to be a few hours ago. Hal slides his shirt off and Shaq stops immediately, huffing loudly as he looks at Hal's chest.

"I will see you some other time, Hal Mason," Shaq says, putting his clothes back on.

Hal sits up in surprise, feeling kind of abandoned, and then groans as he hears the rattle. Why the hell did he decide to use superglue to put googly eyes on his nipples?