The Woman Slayer: Kenshin and The Battousai's Story

Chapter 1: The Hitokiri's Return (Oh how I seem to return to my roots, Im back to listening to Rage Against the Machine)

(OK, another project to keep me from giving in and fixing the Sano fic! I got TERRIBLY distracted by a wonderful but far to short fic where Kesnhin and the Battousai have a mental argument about Kaoru. I laughed my ass off and decided the idea was mine. The original was A Look Inside Himura Kenshin's Head, by Trickster. I'm sorry I had to do this, but I need a humor fic! Anyway, do your best to enjoy. I know it's hard.)

(Oh yeah, The Rurouni's gonna be thinking in italics, the man-slayer in him will be giving him little underlined snippets of wisdom.)

You're staring again. Shut up. Oh come ON, no baka! Has all that wandering deprived you of ALL you passion??

The entire Dojo gang was gathered around the table, trying so VERY hard not to make faces, as Kaoru had threatened a swift and painful death to all who dared even BLINK at her cooking, and had her bokken at hand. 'Hmm', she thought, 'Sano might be a challenge, hopefully the food itself will weaken him if he complains'

"Kaoru-dono, even Sano must admit (OR ELSE) that you cooking tonight is superb!" Praised Kenshin, shooting Sano a glance that seemed to send an amber beam directly into the gangster's thick skull, assuring him that Sano would indeed agree that it was superb, lest Kaoru's punishment be the LESSER one. "Umm, most definitely, gimme secondsFASTER!!" Screamed Sano, even he had learned quickly what THAT look meant.

You suck-up! Oh, and what's YOUR idea of a good thing to say? How about 'will you marry me?'? Oh you shut yourthing, I'm merely being kind to my benefactor, I'm to stained to touch herOh that's not what THESE little thoughts say, in fact here you're touching her in a rather-HOW DID YOU GET THOSE!?

"Why thank you Kenshin!" said Kaoru, eliminating him as a threat even as she acknowledged Sano's surrender. That left Yahiko, who got simultaneous silent death threats from both Kenshin AND Kaoru, and nearly slid under the table.

"Peachy! Umm, a nice change from Kenshin always undercooking the rice" SLAY HIM SLAY HIM SLAY HI-You be quiet, I like my rice a little sticky, I can't just randomly kill people because of their opinions on cooking. Oh how easily you broke THAT rule, I believe that 5 seconds ago you were preparing a Ryu Tsui Tsen for Sanosuke over there if he didn't profess his deepest love of Kaoru's beef stew

Now listen you worthless remainder of a broken era, why don't you go AWAY!? Because I'm more a part of you than anything elseand besides, who saved us from Jinei? Remind me. Who cut down Cho before he could butcher the kid? HUH?! I could've handled itNow YOU be quiet, my sword skrillz make you look sickand besides, who got us Tomoe? I always have to take over whenever we do something IMPORTANT, like good fights or women.

Later Kenshin and Kaoru stayed up washing dishes, Sano was off to find a bar or three and Yahiko was fighting indigestion with renewed vigor. So now's our chanceWhat are you planning, dirty hentai/murdering slime? Oh, I figured you might suggest that you and her take a little walk latermaybe down by the river, so many HAPPY memories thereAnd since when are YOU romantic? Tomoe?

Fine, I'll listen this once, but only because it'll make you shut up when you're wrong. And don't go around flaunting Tomoe as you prime achievement, she IS dead you'll remember. Well, that was an unfortunate accident, and I didn't exactly come out good either you know. Had to share this body with some pathetic wuss alter-ego like YOU. Oh, so slaughtering people is brave now? At least I managed to get the girl, she loves you to death and you're STILL being coldand they say I'm the emotionless killer!

THAT hit home. "Miss Kaoru, will you walk with me by the river? There are some things I wanted to talk about" Kenshin trailed off, realizing what it sounded like. But before he could start referring to himself as Sessha Kaoru agreed, still elated over dinner's success. "Of course Kenshinwalking by the river with you is always nice. Let me go change."

You know, there's that little hole you caught Yahiko poking in the Shoji-Oh no, I'll leave the hentai crap to my brave little man-slayer self. I'm not gonna look. Wow, you didn't have to! Let me tell you, you have an IMPRESSIVE imaginationa few minor errors regarding feminine physiology and basic physics though. Old age must be dimming our memory. Ok, now those were just innocent thoughts! I connected nothing naughty or innapropriate to the image of Kaoru-dono changing, and it was you who planted that thought. Kenshin you hentai, you think I can't see your thoughts? Wow, I like the one with the cherry sauce and the laundry bucket and Kaoru's bokken best out of all- Grr, if it weren't for you giving me these HENTAI images-

"Kenshin? You still there?" Kaoru cocked her head at the leaning samurai as he opened his eyes. "Allright then," She said, so very tempted to take his hand. "let's walk."

Take her hand. NO! So forward! So- You Ahou, she wants you to! How can you tell!? You know that I'll do whatever it takes to make Kaoru-dono happy, but I think you're playing on this to your own selfish ends. Fine, have fun for the next few years, I'm sure that by then you'll be ready to start something with her.

Damn you! FINE! "It's cold outwould you mind if I held your hand? Id hate for you to catch a cold just so that I could have company tonight" "OF COU-Of course, Kenshin!" Said Kaoru, having to swallow her original yell of joy. Maybe tonight

They walked together, Kenshin totally immune to the elements, Kaoru shivering a little even under her heavier kimono. You know, you should really warm her upI don't trust you! But she does look a little coldoh fine, but you butt out with the naughtiness! "Kaoru-dono, you're coldwould you like to find somewhere to sit down?" "S-s-sure K-k-k-kenshin"

Oh now, this won't do at all, but she's FREEZING! Well comfort herit's the RIGHT thing to do. Ok, now Im worried. TRUST ME. I haven't steered you wrong so far, have I? Hmmallright, I'll trust you for now I suppose. Tell me what to do and saydo anything to hurt Miss Kaoru and I'll slit our belly before you can say Ryu Tsui Tsen.

"Kaoru-dono, you're freezinglet me warm you," Said Kenshin, wrapping his strong arms around her. Kaoru was shocked. His voice was different, smoother and more sure of itself, and his actions, while she had to admit very nice, were not his usual shynessShe leaned into his hug and turned to look at his face-

'Oh SHIT' She thought. His eyes were amber. The Battousai's color. "Are you allright Miss Kaoru? Warm enough? Because we can always try to make you warmer" Ok, you're pushing it. This is NOT what I had in mind. Listen, quit yo bitchin. I'll get us our woman, and unlike SOME of us I won't leave her behind crying and refusing to eat until she actually tracks us down in another half of Japan

Wellhe SEEMED pretty niceand the eyes weren't so bad really. Now they were more gold than the angry amber shade she had seen the other times, and he didn't seem to be violentmaybe the Hitokiri simply took over whenever he was in a high emotional state. "Oh, a little cold still," She said, beginning to snuggle against him. "But I'm sure you can protect me. You always do"

PWNED!!11 I CL41M H4XX!!111 Oh shut up, I could have done it myself, and besides, you should not flirt so, it is wrong to use these little tricks to get her closer How again? She's happy, I'm happy, no one's hurt, and it's what we both want, right baka-Rurouni? Sighall right, but if you make her cry I WILL take us BOTH outor maybe get Anjii on the job, I'm sure he could handle removing an angry bad self. Let me do my work here, bitch. Heh. Pwned

The amber-eyed beauty reached one hand around to briefly brush Kaoru's face. "Your lips are starting to turn blue Miss Kaoruwe should probably go back to the dojo before you freeze," WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? So you do care after all! Oh it's so sweet! "unless," the Battousai said over Kaoru's denial that she wasn't THAT cold "you'd like me to warm them, too?"

NOW Kaoru was slightly worriedbut then again, this was improvement, right? She HAD wanted Kenshin to wake up to their feelings, and here he was, offering to"Oh KenshinI'd love thatyes, I think I would." PWNED! PWNED! PWNED! I hate you so muchdon't go thinking she won't miss her Rurouni soon! Well then I'll just have to let you be her Rurounia lot like YOU made ME her Battousaiuse me when you want and then discard. Wellallright, I see your pointwe'll work this out somehow. Damn straight we will, now if you'll excuse me

Kaoru, who had been sitting on Kenshin's left side, felt herself suddenly pulled across Kenshin's lap, until she was in range for-and there he bent down and kissed her lightly on the lips. He then gave her a kiss on each cheek just for good measure. Kaoru was going insane. She wanted a REAL kiss, and these small warm-ups and the interesting positions of his hands in their new arrangment demanded one, and soon she was on the verge of begging him for one when-

Kenshin was gone! Where could he have gone? Kaoru prepared to smack him a good one upside the face for letting her sprawl on the ground like that, when he began to return, bearing with him an unconscious Yahiko. "I'm sorry Kaoru (No miss, when he got like this), it seems Yahiko has been trying to spy on us. He won't be awake for a while though." He gave her that scary Battousai smile that said that he could kill 20 of her before any of them could draw another breath. "Now, where were we?"

"Umm, Kenshin, we should probably go take Yahiko in, it's cold, and he might be hurtand besides, I'm not sure I trust myself out here with you."

OK, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?!? Well obviously my plan-FAILED. Miserably. How can you say that? She was ABOUT to ask for a real kiss, prolly gonna say 'Oh now my mouth is cold' or somesuch, and THEN-Oh I can't believe I let you take this over! NOW you've done it! I'll try and repair the damage, and until I do it's back to being sessha for both of us!

(Hmmm, I almost kinda sorta like this, which is a totally new experience for me. So tell me what you think, I'll be writing new chapters on the plane tommorow, pretty much regardless of reviews, but post them reviews anyway or I'll make fun of you in the next Author's note. Ungrateful lil shits, I spend an hour writing this and you can't give me 5 sentences about how good it was? Oh well, farewell, hope u liked, more to come soon I hope.)