Act 1: The Enchantress
"What stands before you is a tale. A man who was bitterly defeated by the forces of death when he lost his one true maiden. Upon losing that maiden, he grew cruel and horrible. In an act to defy God, he found a way to defy death itself. An immortal being of unlimited power. Now, as countless hunters run to their death, a dark and grim castle, Castlevania, stands and brings for a dark shadow over all of humanity. And on the throne of this castle, a man plots the doom of all of humanity. But in this plot, a maiden is required. The lord tires and weeps, for who could ever learn to love…Lord Dracula…" Death sighs.
"Death!" Dracula screams at the top of his voice. "What in the name fleamen are you doing?"
"Nothing Lord Master Dracula! Just writing my fan fiction!"
"My God! You're such a waste of life!"
"….Well….I am Death after all…"
"Silence! Where is this infernal vixen!" Dracula stomps his boots in anger.
Suddenly, the door to the throne room slams open. A mummy, Akmodan II, comes rushing into the room. "Dracula! She's here! The Enchantress is here!"
A frail old woman steps into the throne room. She has a very annoyed look on her face. Dracula rushes to her. "Enchantress! Oh, how wonderful it is to see you!" He prepares to kiss her hand.
"Don't kiss my clean hand with your vagina lips. I'm low on hand sanitizer." The Enchantress steps back.
"Hand…what?" Death tilts his head in confusion.
"Nevermind. Might I have some…tea?"
Dracula snaps. "OH! Of course! SUCCUBUS!"
A barely dressed succubus runs into the room with a tea tray. Her breasts giggle too much for normal breasts. She stands next to the Enchantress who is sitting down. "Tea?"
Enchantress laughs. "And 'A'." She laughs harder, and coughs from the pain. "Sure, kid."
Succubus pours two cups of tea, and passes them to Dracula and the Enchantress. "Enjoy." She stands next to Death and Akmodan.
Dracula takes a sip. "Delicious." He places his cup down. "So tell me….how long…..do you think my reign of terror will last?"
The Enchantress nods. "I've looked into your future. Your reign of terror will truly bring fear to millions."
"Yes!"
"None shall truly be as feared as you."
"Yes!!!"
"And you will become the greatest force of darkness known to man."
"YES!!!!!"
"But your reign will only last until you are next defeated."
"Y~ WHAT!?!"
"I've already seen your future." She places her cup down. "You will be defeated, and that defeat will prevent your revival."
"Will I be able to see the turn of the new millennium?"
"No. You won't even be able to be in the Konami Race titles." She sips some more.
"I don't understand! Others have told me that my reign would end in 1999, either in defeat or the end of humanity!"
"Yes…….that is ONE branch of your reign."
"…..What do you mean….'one branch of my reign'."
"You see, the future holds many things. There is no linear path. For every trigger, there is an event. You have yet to pull the trigger to allow you to even reach 1999."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about 1797, you fool! The start of the video game that allows your video game series to progress!"
"1797!…wait….What's a video game?"
Enchantress thinks for a moment. "….Another word for reign of terror!"
"Fantastic! I love video games!"
"Of course. You see, your….reign of terror….will extend possibly even 1999. And extra battles will come, even if the battles are epic like ones against a Spaniard with a spear…or fights as pathetic as a sorceress who failed to meet everyone's expectations."
Around the early 1800s, Shanoa sits alone. "You know Enchantress……I have no emotion to feel bad about that….so your cruel remark has been abolished."
Back in present time, Enchantress grabs her chest. "My pride! I'm having an argument with someone who isn't even alive, and I feel hurt!"
"Silence woman! What should I do!"
"…….You must procreate yourself…."
"….What?"
Enchantress sighs in annoyance. "You must reproduce…"
"Oh!….What?"
"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Lightning strikes. "Fuck someone! Knock someone up! Make someone have your groin spawn!"
"OH! You mean have a son?"
"….Sure…."
"Okay….Succubus! Prepare the oil! We have a night together."
Succubus claps her hand with joy, only to be stopped by Enchantress. "No! It must be with a human."
Dracula cringes. "….Oh…..so…….you?"
Enchantress giggles. "No! My ovaries collapsed long ago. You must find a woman of pure heart."
"DAMNIT!" His voice echoes across the halls.
"It is the month of February, so you have 29 days. In those 29 days if you don't find someone to reproduce with, you're reign of terror will be frail."
Death bumped into the conversation. "But it isn't a leap year."
"Then 28 days." Enchantress cackles as she flies out of the room. The door slams as she flies out.
Dracula begins pounding Death into the floor. "YOU MORONIC PIECE OF FILTH! I LOST A DAY CAUSE OF YOU!"
"AH! MY SPINE!" Death sobs.
"Wait!" Succubus points to something new in the room. A single rose in the center of the dinning table.
Dracula walks away from Death and towards the rose. The voice of the Enchantress echoes through Dracula's mind. "Consider this rose your time. For when the last pedal falls, you will have failed to do your duty."
Dracula thinks for a minute. "Can I rape?"
The voice returns. "NO!"
"FINE!" He turns back towards Death and the others. "Alright, who wants our reign of terror to be eternal!" Everyone raises their hand, including Death who is wounded on the floor. "Then tonight we eat! But tomorrow, I dine with a woman!" Everyone cheers with joy. The cheers echo throughout the castle.
But who could ever learn to love Lord Dracula……