Emptiness

Have you ever wondered what "time" means? We think of it as something which is limitless even though that we all know that us, the human beings, die in one moment, whether It will be sooner or later. However, there hasn't been a single person who postpones different kind of stuff in his life, thinking that "I will just do it next time". But what if there is no "next time"? To be honest, I've thought about that many times and yet it never changed the way I was doing things, though maybe it should have. Mum has always said "Live your life in a way, that when it comes to and end and life flashes before your eyes, you will smile and tell yourself - yes, it worthed living it." This, at least, I tried to do. Here's my story.

It's been a little more than 4 years already since I started dating this guy called Gouenji Shuuya. Things got really serious from the very beginning and we were even living together. We had our ups and downs, had a lot of fights, especially recently, but he was always my other half so no matter how bad things looked, we always found a way back to each other. I mean, how could I just not love that guy, he made me feel so special and all those cute little things he did for me. Admittedly, in one moment I took some of them for granted. A mistake if you ask me but… Sometimes in this beautiful yet complicated thing life, we realize things too late.

Me and Shuuya met in a soccer academy. I have big a brother soccer player, who was also a student there, with a bright future and promising career in front of him. The reason why I went to study in a there was because my father was the owner of one big Japanese company, Sato industries, and since it was obvious from the day I was born that I will work there, I decided to study soccer management so I can be the head of the administrative department. The company's main field is soccer. Anyways, I remember the time when I got there. The ways most boys looked at me, the romance that emerged between me and that hot flame striker. Everything was just too perfect, too perfect to be real. But it was real. We graduated, he was my prom date, you know all that stuff. I can't help but mention, it was amazing to date the most wanted boy in the school and meanwhile to have him being as crazy in love with you as you are with him. Expectedly, Gouenji has always been a soccer player of great distinction, ever since he was a teenager, it was obvious that this is the direction he will head on, that soccer was his talent. Shuuya successfully became part of one of the biggest soccer clubs the moment he graduated, it was the talk of the country for a long time about how many clubs wanted him to play for them. I, on the other side, become part of my father's company as excepted and I was satisfied that I am in the same industry as my boyfriend, thus we found more time for each other despite Shuuya's busy schedule. Honestly, I think that some people were even envious of how he sticked with me, despite all the fame and all the women he could have. We loved each other, indeed we did. There is no flawless relationship however. Not everything was unicorns and rainbows. Just like that day wasn't.

"So she called you again?"

"Mer, babe, please don't start again, she did, it wasn't me calling her…"

"I know but yet… You know how I feel towards her, you know how SHE makes me feel. It's enough that she told you that she wished she could kiss you at that practice, when you two were left alone… What kind of person you have to be to tell a guy in a serious relationship, when you are in a relationship too, that you wished you kiss him? Tell me? How arrogant, how insolent she is?"

"Darling… Do you think that I would have told you about that if there was something going on between us? Cause I feel that that is what you are trying to say. She is just some silly woman, looking for someone to screw her because things between her and her boyfriend aren't going well. Bu-u-t"

"Exactly!" I interrupted Shuuya.

"But I'm not buying it. I've never looked at her as of something more than a manager of the team I am playing for." Comforted me Shuuya.

"She makes me look silly and weak and stupid and… Until you two stop talking to each other, I don't think that something will change Shuuya. You might not feel this way towards her but you keep talking to her like everything is normal and that makes her think that she has a chance! I feel so awful everytime I get near to any of your teammates. Bet that she shared with them how you are always there to answer her calls whenever she calls you."

The more I continued talking, the angrier I became. I hated that woman. She wasn't even trying to hide what she was trying to do and even though I knew that Gouenji loves me, that he won't be with her, I couldn't swallow the way I looked like a fool in the other people's eyes. This affected me a lot and I was indeed colder towards the guy I was dating for 4 years. I knew this frustrated him too. He now reacted in a sharp way to the arguments which appeared between us. That day the argument went too far. Yes, I deepened the things but Shuuya wouldn't stop either. He kept saying that I was creating way too much drama. Maybe I was but at that moment I saw it as something that worthed the fight. Things went really bad. It was as if we were really going to break up. Can you imagine to what extend that woman came between us without even replacing me. The argument was deep, I cried, I said some things I didn't even think, I saw some tears in Shuuya's eyes as well. Some nasty things were said and yet… We loved each other.

But is love always enough? Is love really that power that can stand up against everything and win it? Even against destiny? I believed that we are the masters of our own path, our own destiny. But sometimes what is meant to be happens, and not even something strong as love can protect us. I remember that I stood up and threatened him that I was leaving. Not like breaking up with him but leaving the apartment for now. And he just stood there, speechless. I saw how tired he was from arguing with me. I saw it in his eyes. But that silly stubbornness of mine. I couldn't just stay there, after all he wasn't even trying to comfort me anymore, it would be like having no dignity if I have stayed… Right?

I got the car keys and left. I knew that Shuuya is going to need the car to get to that meeting but I didn't care. For me that was some kind of small victory, right now I was doing whatever I wanted. Or maybe I wasn't thinking of that, it wasn't part of the plan that I actually get to that car. He was going to stop me, right? Cause he loves me despite how annoying and stubborn I can be… Right? But he didn't. It was painful, I admit. I couldn't stop now though, I told him I will leave and whether he stops me or not, I do it, my brain says I should do it. After all, I have to prove him he was wrong.

I remember getting into our car. My whole body was now shaking. Anger, pain, disappointment(not sure in me or in him), love and… emptiness. He wasn't there for me now, he didn't care how hurt I was. Maybe things between us are not like before, maybe we are not as strong as we used to be. Damn. Just thinking it, without saying it out loud made by heart beat like crazy, like something was stabbing it, like I had something in my breeds, something heavy, something that made me feel sad. I drove and just while I was getting out of the parking lot, it happened.

A sudden noise of a car's klaxon. I turned my head to the left. A really fast moving car was approaching me. It all happened in the blink of an eye. Amazing how it probably didn't last for more than 2 seconds but my brain could thing of so many things during that short moment. I remember that I wasn't screaming, neither I was calling for help. I think I knew what was going to happen, because all I could think of was Shuuya. And then that monologue. "Shuuya. I didn't mean it babe. I love you, I was just so afraid that you don't want me anymore, that you don't think of us as something that gonna last forever anymore. I love you. Please, I want a chance. God, I want a chance to tell that guy I love him, that I will always love him, that he is that person that came into my life like a thunder and changed it for good. Please… I can't live without him. Even if I don't get to live anymore, I need to tell him, I need him to know that I didn't mean it, that I still feel the same about him. I am sorry God, I didn't mean to be selfish, I just wanted love and loyalty. And I had it. And I took it for granted. Fool! I am such a fool. I want to see his face again, I want to hear him whisper in my ears. God, how sweet it was. I want so see those eyes that could say more than any word could do. For one last time. Because I am so empty."

Gouenji's POV

She said she was done, that she had enough. Merrie went in the other room, I could hear her crying. But that was who she was, she didn't wanted to look weak in front of me, she didn't wanted me to think of her as of a weak, emotional woman. Then I realized it. What kind of relationship did we had since we couldn't be who we are in front of each other. What kind of man were I since I made the woman beside me feel afraid to be weak, wasn't I supposed to be her.

I suppose Mineko had enough, I saw her coming back to the living room and getting her car keys out of her car. I knew that she was going to leave but I didn't feel like stopping her. I was so pissed, so overcome with emotions that I was ready to let her leave, knowing that after a few hours my girl would be back and eventually things were going to be okay again. Damn it. I regret that moment, I feel like only God knows how much I regret it. Wasn't I her other half, wasn't she mine? Why I had to act so cold and why I was so stubborn. Yes. Hell lots of questions. Sadly, I only know it now. I could simply have followed her, I could simply be her support and swallow my pride for a few minutes, just to make her, the woman who always did everything for me, who gave me those 4 years of her life and did everything for me despite all the bullcrap that happened over the time.

I went to our terrace and saw Merrie getting in the car, without caring that I was going to need it later so I can get to a meeting. That frustrated me but I said to myself that I won't fight with her anymore because there were people nearby and this would cause embarrassment. How stupid, isn't it? Anyways, I saw her driving away from the parking lot and I turned my head. I think she slowed down when she was walking past me before she left, maybe she was waiting for some kind of action from my side, but I decided I don't ned any more drama so I just ignored. God, how foolish and proud I was…

And then it all happened. I heard a sudden noise. My heart beat raised drastically. It was indeed a sound of a car crash. My whole body shaked. I remember that in those few seconds, while I was getting back to the terrace, turning my head in the direction where the noise came from, praying. Praying that Mineko was okay, that she wasn't part of what just happened. Then… Then I saw it, I felt it, I realized it. It was our car standing there, crashed. My body started to move without me making it doing that. I was running, as fast as I could. I remember thinking: " God, please protect her, I only wish that, I only want her, please protect her, please, I want my Merrie to be all right." Prayers are not always heard I suppose. She was there… Lying, covered in blood. The moment I saw her beautiful face, her perfect body, lying there, lifeless. I was crashed. I can't think of anything exceeding that kind of pain. I got to her and dropped on my knees. Damn, I can't even think about that. Remembering that moment is like a knife and each time I remember, that knife stabs me in the heart. Why wouldn't it just killed me, I wish It could just kill me.

She died. I was too late. I couldn't even be there for her in her last seconds here, in our world. I guess that's how it feels to die. Because I died back then. Physically not, but my soul, it died. This was the sunset to our paradise. The police man said that both the victim, my girl, that's how they referred to her, and the driver of the other car, who was perfectly fine, had guilt. One didn't look before making the turn, the other drove too fast. At least that's what I think he told me. I wasn't listening. I don't think I listen to something now too, now that a year has passed. When you find that person in this world, that is the other half of you, you just have to realize it, and make the best of it. Don't repeat my mistake. I knew what she was to me, but… I never thought I could lose her so I didn't really try to show her everyday how she is that sparkle that runs my life. I think I was the same to her. I hope I was. I was cold those days, I hope she knows I didn't mean it. I mean, everyone can get angry, right? Don't repeat my mistake. Don't realize things too late. Cause sometimes you lose it all. You don't want that kind of pain, believe me.

I think some friends and relatives tried to support me back then. I turned every call down, I avoided everyone. Even at her funeral I didn't speak. How could I? Or more like, wasn't it pointless? I was just a body, walking around, feelingless. My career is over now too. Obviously. I think that when I was a teenager I really wanted to be a football player, but when I met her, it grew on me to become one of the best just to impress her. And then her support helped me all the way through. Funny. I never actually told her that. Stupid time. You think you have time for everything, yet…

Here I am again Merrie, my sweet girl, my life, my everything. I stand next to your grave. The pain never stopped by the way. Neither did the grieving. I still remember the dreams we shared. Oh, just come back, PLEASE. I… I need you. It's spring, your favourite season. Happy 21-st birthday, love. I wish I could splash out on some lavish present for you, like I intended to do. Money never mattered to you, and this made me want to spoil you even more. Your family is okay by the way. By "okay" I mean they are healthy and stuff. But everyone misses you, princess. And no one is going to stop thinking about you. Every smile hides the grieve and the pain of your loss. I am sorry, I never managed to give you that life you wanted. The kind of life that was supposed to flash before your eyes when you are dying… but dying of old age. I wonder what you were thinking before the crash, what flashed. Selfishly, I hope it was me. I hope you said you love me. And that you forgive me.

I don't think that something or someone will ever change that feeling. Life continues, but it passes me by. I'm stuck there at those moments with you. With you and what came after you… emptiness.

Hello everyone! It's been so long since I've been here. I found that one-shot accidentally y/d somewhere in my files, it was half way to go so I finished it. Hope you like it.