Chapter 1
Dean held the wet, black-goo covered trenchcoat in his hands. Cas was gone and probably never going to come back. But Dean had to hold back his tears, he has no choice. He has to be strong, for Sam and for…"Well, what's the use in crying anyway," Dean thought, "I gotta suck it up and bury it." There is no time for Sam to worry about Dean. There is no time for emotions to get in the way. There is only time for right now, but with Cas… gone, everything got harder. Everything. Dean had one less person to save. Losing Cas is more heartbreaking than he could fathom.
As long as I can bury my crap and put on a smile, Bobby and Sam won't ask. As long as I keep fighting. Dean stared at the trenchcoat, still holding it. The beige cloak is cold to the touch and still damp, but Castiel's warmth emanated from it no matter its temperature. Dean couldn't help but grin and whisper,"You son of a bitch."
Walking back to the impala with the trenchcoat in hand, Dean assisted Sam, getting his brother into the passenger seat then placing his friend's cloak in the trunk. "Don't worry Cas, I'll see you soon," Dean said as if the goofy angel was standing way too close for comfort next to him.
The impala hummed down the highway as Dean played Metallica way too loud with Sam staring out the window, neither Winchester willing to speak. Dean kept turning the volume louder, but the louder it was the more he kept thinking about Cas. Castiel. I miss Castiel. The thought ringed in his ears repeatedly like the echo of a gong, over and over and over. The impala ran faster and faster and faster nearing dangerous speed.
"Dean, slow down! You'll get us killed." Sam yelled.
"Oh, sorry," Dean replied, slowing down at Sam's command.
"Are you alright? That was fast, even for you?" Sam questioned.
"I'm great. Never better." Dean said, Sam rolled his eyes.
"Alright, I know Cas just—" Dean interrupted, "Don't talk about Cas."
Respecting Dean's wish, Sam dropped the conversation then continued to stare out the window unable to do anything about the volume of the music.
Sam and Dean arrived at Bobby's not much later. No one said one word. Dean insisted on helping Sam inside but the stubborn younger Winchester refused, so he unloaded the duffle bags from the impala. He opened the trunk and the first thing Dean saw was the trench coat. Don't cry, Dean thought as he closed his eyes and turned away momentarily. When his eyes opened, Dean grabbed the trench coat and put it in his duffle. When he got inside, Sam was asleep on Bobby's couch, while Bobby was passed out on his desk as usual. Dean quickly and secretively washed Cas's coat and kept it with his things.
The next few days the brothers stayed with Bobby, laid low, and built up whatever strength they could muster up. After a few weeks, the boys went on a couple hunts and after a month or two they returned to a somewhat usual routine. But every hunt, every kill, every day that passed grew more difficult. Dean wanted it to be over, he always wanted it to be over. He was never sure of what it was, but he knew that what it was it had to end. Even with this thought coursing through every fiber of his being something made him keep fighting what seemed to be a losing battle in an endless war. Dean opened the trunk of the impala to grab his dufflebag and brought it into yet another lame, cheap motel room. Throughout the past month he had left Cas's coat in the trunk but an instinct he never noticed before insisted he bring the cloak in with him. To tired to fight with himself he grabbed the coat and set it next to his pillow. It was the end of a long day and the beginning of a sleepless night. Sam had fallen asleep around midnight, but Dean was left motionless, wide awake and consumed by darkness. Memories of Cas flooded the elder Winchester's thoughts. Good and bad memories. The only thing they had in common was that Dean didn't want to think about any of them. Dean did fall asleep sooner-than-later for once in his life, but even when unconscious the memories never seized.
xXxXx
Dean was at the lake again, or pond, or swamp or whatever it was. The same place Cas... Dean was standing in the same spot he was that fateful day. No one was around him, not even his baby, but he felt a presence. He turned around to find Castiel dripping with black ooze. "Cas! Hey Cas, buddy! Cas!" Dean yelled, but the angel didn't reply or acknowledge he was there. Slowly Castiel walked forward towards Dean but then brushed past not even making eye contact. Dean screamed this time,"Cas!" but still the angel was unresponsive. Castiel walked to the edge of the water and looked at his feet. Without turning to face Dean he spoke,"I'm sorry Dean," then step by step sank into the gray body of water. "Cas! Cas, don't!" Dean tried to tell but his voice wasn't making a peep. He tried to run and grab his friend but his legs wouldn't budge. Once Cas was completely submerged by water, out of the corner of Dean's eye he saw the trench coat.
xXxXx
Dean jolted awake drenched in sweat. Nine of the covers were on the bed, the sheets were jumbled and damp and thankfully Sam was still sleeping. Dean was glad Sam didn't wake up; his brother needed at least one night of rest and well, he didn't want to explain himself. I have to stay strong, Dean thought and he turned over to look at Sam. He listened to the inhales and exhales of his younger brother's slumber. Quietly Dean rearranged the bed spread only to find Cas's coat laying beside the bed untouched.
The next couple hours were restless for Dean, only this night he couldn't stay still. He wanted to leave, drive the impala as fast and as far away as he could until all the pain went away, until Cas was alive again. He wanted to drive as if it would somehow magically resurrect Cas, but he knew that's not how the world works. Nothing was easy for the Winchesters and just once Dean wanted it to be easy. With Cas's trench coat by his side, Dean decided to pray to his friend. Grabbing the coat now, Dean began,"You probably can't hear me but I'll still pray to you, Cas. From this day on, I will pray to you every night, every goddamn night. Something tells me you are listening, Cas. Please. You can't be gone." The prayer was whispered and if you were in the room it would've sounded muffled like static radio behind a closed door. Dean squeezed Castiel's cloak, bringing it to his chest and eventually, somehow in some mysterious way, he fell asleep. It was the best he's slept in a really long time.
Sleeping with Cas's trench coat became a new routine for Dean. Before "bedtime" Dean slyly his the coat under his pillow, brushed his teeth and waited for Sam to fall asleep then he would take it and hug it until unconsciousness slipped away from him. He was very careful about how he came about the trench coat and took every precaution to not let Sam know about it. One night Dean shoved the trench coat in his leather jacket and zipped it up making him look like he was at least seven months pregnant. Of course Sam noticed, but Dean ignored his brother's sassy comments and proceeded to jump under the off-white motel bed sheets almost forgetting to slip out of his boots. Every night with Castiel's trench coat made each day better, in a way. Dean was getting a full eight hours of sleep almost every night and it's not often that a hunter gets that much rest on a daily basis. I'm living the dream, Dean thought...until he lost it. What became his most prized and loved possession was lost just like the original owner. Anxiety grew within Dean, then anger. Anger for losing the trench coat, anger for letting Castiel walk into the lake in the first place and anger for not being able to do one thing right. He lashed out, smashing anything and everything in his reach. The motel bathroom mirror- shattered- the shower curtain-ripped apart- the mattress was flipped off the frames and the lamps were thrown at the walls leaving behind broken light bulbs off the wall and threw it on the walls. Dean even tore the TV off the wall and threw it on the ground. After everything was demolished, Dean sat in the middle if the floor with his face buried in his hands, sobbing. Dean Winchester, the Dean Winchester, who buried any and every emotion cried, not being able to keep the dam that held his tears back from breaking. What is Sam going to say when he gets back from the library? Dean didn't know what to do, so he just remained on his place and waited. Then he prayed,"I'm so sorry Cas. I let you down...again. I'm such a screw up. I'm such a screw up."