I walk through the hospital, doing my usual rounds, seeing if any of the patients need anything or want to talk. I walked into a room with a boy with long dark hair and a neck brace and a broken leg. His eyes look dull and at first I worry he's dead. I see his chest rise and fall and I sigh in relief. I walk closer to him and sit next to his bed.
"Hey sweetie is there anything I can get you to make your stay more comfortable?" I offer him my routine smile, the same words and smile I give everyone else. He doesn't look at me. He just sighs and wipes his face. Now that I'm closer I see his face is red, that he's been crying.
"She ripped my heart out." He says quietly to me. I slide the chair closer to him, and I offered him some tissues. He took them with trembling hands and wiped his face.
"Do you want to talk about it sweetie?" I ask quietly. His eyes meet mine and they hold a pleading look. After a long time he nods.
"My girlfriend hates me. Hates my car so I crashed it. She showed up here…broke up with me, and left." He answered me slowly. New tears fell again and he wiped at them, his hands were shaking so bad he dropped the tissue. As he reached for it I grabbed his hand and made him relax.
"That's what I'm here for. I can stay as long as you like." I pick up the tissue and wipe his tears away. I grabbed the clipboard with his information to find his name. "Elijah (Eli) Goldsworthy…Eli Goldswor…the Stalker Angel Eli?" I return his clipboard to the end of his bed and look at him. I now notice that he holds a tattered copy of the comic in his hands. A whisper comes from his lips but I cannot understand him.
He murmurs again and again and then finally looks at me, his eyes desperate. "Why will no one love me?" he eyes the needles that are taped his hands with wild eyes. As he reaches for them I grab his hands and pin them down.
"Eli no. You need to stay here. I can be assigned to you for your stay if you want me to be. I'm only a volunteer." Eli nods slightly and I stand. "Promise me you won't move until I come back?" he nods again. I run out of the room and to the front desk.
"Yes Jade?" the woman behind the counter asks me.
"Eli Goldsworthy has asked me to be assigned to him for his stay. I take full care over him for the rest of his time." The woman nods and I run back to Eli. He's crying again but as far as I can tell he hasn't moved. He looks up to me and I sit next to his bed again.
"Why do you care?" he whispers so softly. His voice is full of pain and I want to ease it any way I can. I lay my hand on his and wait until he looks at me. He stares into my eyes for a moment and I talk slowly and quietly.
"There's always someone who cares. I think your girlfriend…"
"ex…" he quietly corrects me
"I think your ex made a huge mistake, Eli. You probably don't remember me, but…I'm in English class with you and her. Jade Black. Clare was never dark enough to be able to understand you...not fully." I pause for a moment and shake my head. Eli's face lights up slightly and he nods.
"You sit in the back left of the class. You wrote the story about the tranquility of death." I smile at him, he remembers me. "So why did you have to read the clipboard if you already knew who I was?" his words go back to ice and I flinch at them.
"I don't see many fellow Degrassi students in here, so when I saw you I just treated you like another patient until you spoke. Then I had to follow protocol to get your name." I wave my hand, dismissing the matter. "That's beside the point. Why would you wreck your hearse? That car is beautiful."
"She hated my car so I wrecked it. I thought it would make her happy to know it's gone." He stares at the gown that covers his body. He doesn't move anymore, just sits and breathes. I place a hand on his shoulder and speak softly to him.
"Eli…you should never destroy something you love. I know you loved Clare but if she tried to change you then that relationship was never a healthy one." His eyes stay down and I slide my hand under his chin so he looks at me. "Listen…I know what happened to you this time last year. And what Clare has done is insensitive. But you have to be strong, Eli. You'll make it through this." Eli looks at me and he touches my hand on his shoulder. Slowly he pulls from me and speaks.
"How do you know about last year?"
"Because we went to the same school, Eli. I was Jessica Star then." I clear my throat and bring out the person I used to be so I could be popular. "Ohmigod did you see Eli? He's just soo depressing! He should totally smile more! Now excuse me while I flip my fake blonde hair over my shoulder and push my fake boobs up and strut through the school." Eli's jaw dropped as he took in my pitch black hair and total goth garb.
"Shit…you were that bitch? What made you change?" he pulls away from me and eyes me warily.
"I realized treating people badly wasn't worth being popular. I treated you the worst of all, Eli. I'm so sorry." I hold up my left arm to reveal the word Hate. "I carved that into my skin the day it hit me how awful I had been. I never want to forget how I felt." Eli's shaky hands grab my arm and his fingers lightly trace each letter.
"Jessica…you're so different now. So dark…angry…you actually seem to feel now." over and over he traces the scars on my arm. "You were beautiful but cruel. Now you're beautiful and silent. That's why you volunteer here, isn't it? You feel you have to make up for your past?" I nod and pull my arm from his hands.
"And more. So much more than words can explain. Now, can I get you anything?" Eli's lips pull into a smile and he nods.
"Food would be nice." I nod and leave to get him food. When I return he's talking to his dad so I wait outside the door.
"So what are you going to do?"
"I dunno Bullfrog. I guess the same thing I did last year. Just try and move on…" Eli's voice fades away and I hear a few more sobs from him.
"Just stay strong, son. You need a girl who can understand you. You're weird…you need a weird girl." His dad laughs and I hear him stand from the chair. "Rest and Cece and I will be back tomorrow to visit you, ok?"
"Yeah…ok." Boot steps near the door and I stand with a tray full of food for Eli in my hands.
"Oh, hi there! And you are…?" his dad offers me a hand and then realizes my hands are full.
"I'm…Jade, sir. I'm taking care of Eli while he is staying here. We have the same English class and we went to the same school last year. I was…" I bite my lip. "I was Jessica Star then. I'm sorry for the things I said and did to Eli. I was an awful person then." I take the tray of food to the table next to Eli's bed and I help him sit up and keep his leg on the bed. "Back then all I wanted was to be popular and one day I looked at myself and realized we're all going to die anyways, so who am I to make someone's life miserable? So I changed my look, changed my state of mind, and moved away"
"Oh…you're Jessica Star." His dad looked down on me while I pulled the lid from Eli's food and pushed the table to him. Suddenly he grabbed my arm and pulled it so he could read the scars. "Hate? What…why would you do this to yourself?"
"I don't want to forget the only emotion I held back then, and I don't want to forget the only emotion people felt for me." I state solemnly before opening Eli's juice for him and handing it to him. Eli eats quietly as he watches me and his dad talk.
"If you think you can hurt him again, especially after today's events, you're wrong Jessica." He snarls my birth name like an animal at a rival. I pull the large key that's tied around my neck with black ribbon. I hold it out to Eli's dad.
"The symbolic key to my heart." I laugh and shake my head. "Actually no, I wear that to symbolize what I'll never do again…unlock pain and misery for others. I've never gone a day without wearing it. Please…take it. I have the scars to remind me who I am and what I'm not worthy of." I look at the Sharpie black heart I have drawn on the top of my hand. His dad takes the key and slides it into his pocket.
"Don't hurt him or you'll have to deal with me." Bullfrog backs from me and leaves the room. I hear the click of plastic behind me; Eli finished his food and put the lid back on the plate. I pull the table from his bed and help him lay back on the bed.
"I'm sorry about Bullfrog. He and Cece liked Clare so to know it's because of her I did this they're afraid the next time will be worse." Eli settles back into bed and then curses. He slings his legs over the bed and tries to stand.
"What in the hell are you doing Eli?" I look at him angrily.
"I gotta…you know."
"Oh. Right." I sling his arm over my shoulder and help him into the bathroom and leave, closing the door behind me. I sit on his bed and tap my fingers on my plaid skinny-jean covered legs. "What a day, Jade." I whisper to myself. "Jessica has proven herself to still exist and you have to crush her. Good job dumb ass."
"Jess…Jade?" Eli calls nervously and I move to the door.
"Yes?"
"Did you realize this gown thing doesn't close all the way?"
"Yes Eli, I know. Don't worry, I held it closed so I haven't seen anything."
"Oh…why am I not wearing boxers?"
"Doc said you could put some on when you felt comfortable. Do you want them?"
"Please"
"Ok." I reach into the bag his dad dropped off and grab a pair before closing my eyes, turning my head, and handing them to him."
"Thanks." He mutters before taking the boxers and closing the door. The door opens again and I open my eyes and lead him back to his bed.
"Do you want to go to sleep now?" Eli nods and I step closer to the door. If you need me hit the red button, I'll be here in just a few minutes.
"You aren't going home?" I freeze at Eli's words. As I turn off the lights in his room I mutter.
"This is my home, Eli."