I'm done hoping that we could work it out

I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels

Letting you drag my heart around

And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change.

I know my heart will never be the same

But I'm telling myself I'll be okay

Even on my weakest days

I get a little bit stronger

Those lyrics never left my head. Nothing I can do will ever change Skwisgaar, and it hurts. Every sleepless night, every bang I hear from across the hall from those nights when he wasn't alone. Every time I walk past him in the hallway and every time he approaches me at the table, at the hot tub... Every time I think about him I only wish more and more that he was mine, and not the groupies. I want him, and all of him. For a year, a month, a night, an hour... I want to feel his love, for as long as possible.

With every insult, every push, shove, smack, only makes me feel closer to him. His abuse, as I call it, brings me closer to him, and I have no idea why. I don't even know why I love him.

Plus, I don't cry every time I hear his name anymore. It doesn't hurt my heart, and leave an empty space in my stomach. I don't have time to think about him anymore. I'm too busy getting stronger...

At least until I see that smile again, and fall right back into the same cycle. Maybe I'm not fully strong yet, but I'm getting there. But for right now, I'm dealing with it. But it will all be worth the wait when I can feel his arms wrap around my waist for the night, kiss me goodnight, hold me as if he was about to lose me, and when he screws me and not leave...

It might sound unmetal, but I'm definitely in love with him... And my heart will never be the same. I keep telling myself I'll be okay, even on my weakest days... Because I'm getting stronger.

"Toki, you in here?" I jumped when I heard my name and awoke from my thoughts.

"Hmms.. Skwisgaar?" He opened the door and walked inside.

"Yes, it's me, cans we talks?" I scooted over and started to pat the empty space beside me, and prayed maybe he wanted to talk about how he felt. How he felt about me... Although it was really unlikely.

"Toki. I ams knowingks you like me." My eyes widened once he said that.

"What...? I don't likes you! What makes you thinks dat Skwisgaar?" He just simply rolled his eyes and laughed, climbing into bed with me.

"Ams you really thinkings I'm stupid? I knows the ways you looks at me." He laughed to himself and rubbed my cheek softly. "I can tell you ams crazy abouts me. The way you over-reacts everytime I calls you a dildos."

"It ams because I'm nots, Skwisgaar. You ams the dildos, nots me." Skwisgaar did his signature 'pfft' and got up.

"I'm guessing you amnt's wantings to talk, ja?" He partly frowned and I grabbed his wrist.

"Okays, maybe I likes you... A littles. But don't gets your dildos hopes up." His smile widened as he sat back down on the bed, pulling me close to him.

"Toki... I amnt's kidding when I says this. I loves you. I knows I never shows it, and it ams probably soundings pretty stupids right now, but Toki... You ams the only thing on my mind anymore. I never meants to fall in loves with such a dumb dildos, but with a smile like yours, It ams hard nots to."

"Skwisgaar. I amn'ts even sure whether or nots I should blush or punch you in the face."

"Do whatevers you feel is best." Skwisgaar took my hands in his and looked me in the eyes. "...Wells?" I couldn't take the silence, so I tugged a bit on his shirt, pulling him closer to me and kissed him. Now I know how absolutely strong I am. By holding onto something, and never letting go. Because, now I know I'm strong... In Skwisgaar's arms. For a year, a month, a night, and hour... I'll be strong all the way, and I'll be strong, knowing I never gave up on something I truely loved.