Memories - they shape what we are, how we live and grow. They tell you of your experiences. I know mind have changed me, made me cry, taken my confidence, given me a logical view of things and replaced said confidence. They are the reason I know I will always try my best as I grow older, they give me my peculiarities like the fact I'm teetotal at 18 and don't lie when people ask me how I am. I know my feelings are real, I listen to them and I don't see the need to hide that.

So how can we cope when we lose them? What do we do? All the things that make us what we are go. How do you know yourself?

I dont own The Bill and I hope you enjoy. :)

They'd spent the day at band practice. Sam's video camera was, as usual, filming the group as they messed around parodying songs and trying their own. After successfully filming their rendition of High School Never Ends for their schools end of year party Sam jumped onto the windowsill to view her friends. Talking to Lauren from her position Sam never noticed Jimmy coming from her blind spot until it was too late and he was grabbing her arms trying to force a Mars bar on her.

Yelling "TRATOR!" at Lauren she fell off her seat away from Jimmy and started to run. Peter swung the camera around to watch their mini brawl as they hit the floor and struggled.

Eventually, Sam conceded and took a huge chunk out of the chocolate. She chocked from her laughing fit but once she recovered she snapped her teeth at James' hand. James retreated from on top of her and helped her back to her feet.

"Seriously though," she laughed. "Stop forcing food on me. You know I hate it."

Jimmy, knowing an argument would ruin the day, let it drop, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and pulling her closer.

"Hey! Stop it! You'll make my jumper smell!"

Jimmy retorted. "No worse than it does already!"

Sam smacked him in the arm and the chase resumed.

"Crap no! It's later than I thought! I've got to run! Sorry!" She hugged James, waved goodbye to the rest and ran.

"One day, I swear, I'm going to follow her and stop it."

Lauren looked over. They knew that it was a dangerous idea. Even though their biggest threat was probably Sam herself… how pissed she would be. But she understood where Jimmy was coming from. "Why not today?"

.

Sam slid into her front door and once inside raced upstairs to dump her stuff and hide her camera before anyone realised she'd been out so long. If today was her lucky day her Dad still wasn't home yet. Or was already… occupied.

.

Today was NOT her lucky day.

She'd had a reasonable meal set in the oven when the front door slammed open and rebounded against the wall. A few words were yelled through the house to her Mum and then her father was in the kitchen.

He stood in the door way watching her. His eyes trailed over her body and his fists balled at his side.

"New clothes?"

He already knew the answer to the question. She'd been wearing these clothes in public; definitely against the unnamed rules. The scars and cuts on her body had to be covered at all times and sleeveless tops and long shorts were pushing the boundaries. He started to walk towards her, firstly to the island where he placed his weight forwards on both of his hands, causing her to back away.

Sam knew this mood. It was the one that scared her the most, normally he was happy with hurting her and leaving. When he was like this he just didn't stop. Or let her clean herself up. These were the times her heart started racing at an ungodly place in her chest. Her entire body tensed and she felt herself heating up as she held herself from shaking.

Sam never replied and he came around the island grabbing the back of her hair pulling it back.

"Are you deaf as well as stupid?"

Sam glanced around as she felt her back dig into the countertop in front of the sink. Happening to look out the window she saw Jimmy's face pull back behind a bush.

Shit.

"I… They're old… I don't have anything else that's clean." She wildly made up her defence on the spot. The man threw her forwards so she hit the island. Her hand, which went forward to break her fall, closed around the blade of a knife on the worktop and her blood started to flow. Biting back any reaction to the pain as it would only serve against her, she stood again and tried to turn away. Just as she reached for a tea towel, she was pulled back around and saw the fist begin to rise.

"Sammy? Sammy where are you?" It was Mike. Her little godsend, she really couldn't understand how most girls hated their little brothers.

"Hey baby boy! I'm in the kitchen with your Daddy." Her father pulled her closer to him, his hand closing tightly against her shirt, leaving no escape, told her to expect him later for this and pushed her backwards.

Mike came around the corner but stopped short at the sight of her blood.

"I cut myself on the knife." Sam wrapped the towel around her hand as she walked over to him. "Goes to show what happens if you're not careful eah baby boy?" She smiled as she wrapped her arms around him.

"You got any work to do?" He nodded. " Okay go get started. Yell if you need a hand." She kissed him on the head and started to usher him out the room.

"Not so fast. Back here boy."

Both kids froze, Sam's good hand still on Mike's shoulder. Their father never addressed Mike. It was a rule of his. Mike was premature and a disappointment to his Dad. He'd been underweight for the first years of his life and for a father expecting to have a strapping young lad as an heir to the family business it was a let down. The youngest child of the family, however, was the apple of his parent's eyes. He got whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Born two weeks late, heavier than average and shared his fathers opinion on everything… the poor child was only eight, Sam had tried but she didn't think she could pull him away from his path.

"Mike has to do his homework." She turned back to the glowering man, glancing back out of the window as she did. He was still there. She tried to shake her head in that direction, tell them to go away. Just hoped it worked. "So he's going upstairs and he's not coming back until it's done." She held eye contact with the man who terrified her. "Mike, go to your room"

"I give the orders around here." The tone of his voice rose and Sam knew it was the wrong move for her to make. But there wasn't a right one that got Mike away. Mike, trusting his sister, fled.

"Stupid fat bitch." The second they heard the door shut from upstairs his fist made contact with the side of her face and she swayed before the second hit came forcing her to the ground.

She pulled herself up. She couldn't let her stalker-ish friends see her like this. Sam shook her head towards the window again. And as her father turned her to smack his fist into her stomach she saw a body dart from the bush and around the side of the house.

She hit the wall before falling to the floor again and just as he started to swing his leg into her stomach the doorbell rang.

The curse under his breath was barely audible. He stalked out of the room and seconds later he swore again and re-entered. "There was no-one there. What the hell do you think you're playing at." His hands came pulling her from the floor. The first hand pressed against her neck while the second held back the hand which tried to scratch against him.

"No. I swear it! I don't know who did that! Please!"

Her breathing became faster as her body searched for oxygen. If he wanted her to beg then she would. "Shit please! I don't know!" Her fighting hands stopped struggling and he pressed his body against hers. Her legs were going numb, her face red. All Sam could think was that she was going to die. Finally it was over.

Then her neck was released. Oxygen flooded back into her lungs and she was thrown against the island, knocking out the little air that'd just made it's way back inside her.

"Father, please."

"Father? You will address me by my proper form." Sam was picked up, spun around and forced back to the counter again.

"Uh Sir. Sir please." Sir- it normally worked. Let him know he's in charge, it boosted his ego.

"YOU WILL ADDRESS ME CORRECTLY!"

Humiliation burst through her as she realised what he was asking for. He could hurt her physically in so many way but this always stung worse. It "put her in her place" as he would say. The bloody knife from before came towards her stomach. It stopped half a centimetre away.

Tears brimmed in her eyes as she realised there was no other way. Her head hung in shame as her mouth started to form the most demeaning would she ever had to utter.

"Master."

He dropped the knife to the floor. His hands gripped her waist and he pressed himself against her. Trapped by his body she fought her shudders still while she blinked her eyes trying to remove the tears. Turning her head to the side as his hands made their way under her shirt she saw Jimmy. Watching. Terrified, wide eyes watching her.

"No. Go away." she mouthed as subtly as she could. But he didn't move. The mans hands were pinching her. His insults to her body started. Fat, ugly, disgusting. She'd heard them all before, reacted to them all, still did. His mouth found her neck. Her body tensed. God, she couldn't let Jimmy see this happening.

He started to pull her towards the door. She reacted on instinct; her knee came up. Sam missed her target but her father got the meaning. Slamming his fist into her face he reached for the first thing that came to hand. The rolling pin came into contact with the side of her head Sam cried out in pain and fell to the floor.

The world around her slowly turned to black.

Well I know the The Bill is over and as such this probabily wont get much reading but maybe people who do read will leave their thoughts behind?

Seriously, it would be lovely to know what you think. I have had this idea for a fair few years now and have only just persuaded myself to get it down.

Thank you in advance. (Yes I am attempting to guilt trip!)