After reading so many of the amazing stories out there I finally decided to stop being such a coward and post my own story. Still scared shitless though so go easy on me…
I've been fortunate enough to have the help and support from some amazing women and I'm sending huge thanks and sloppy kisses to you;
GemmaLisax – the first one to read this and the first one to kick my ass to post it already!
Hammerhips – my all-time favorite, any category, for taking care of my comma problems and putting up with my insecurities.
Stichcat – my wonderful beta for taking me on!
Verseseven – my ff soulmate, for simply being you!
Disclaimer- All recognizable copyrighted and trademarked items mentioned herein belong to their respective owner, most especially Stephenie Meyer. Everything else belongs to the respective author.
"New Moon" by Stephenie Meyer; pp 330-331
Jacob stopped the truck in front of my dark house, cutting the engine so it was suddenly silent. Like so many other times, he seemed to be in tune with my thoughts now.
He threw his other arm around me, crushing me against his chest, binding me to him. Again, this felt nice. Almost like being a whole person again.
I thought he would be thinking of Harry, but then he spoke, and his tone was apologetic. "Sorry. I know you don't feel exactly the way I do, Bells. I swear I don't mind. I'm just so glad you're okay that I could sing – and that's something no one wants to hear." He laughed his throaty laugh in my ear.
My breathing kicked up a notch, sanding the walls of my throat.
Wouldn't Edward, indifferent as he might be, want me to be as happy as was possible under the circumstances? Wouldn't enough friendly emotion linger for him to want that much for me? I thought he would. He wouldn't begrudge me this: giving just a small bit of the love he didn't want to my friend Jacob. After all, it wasn't the same love at all.
Jake pressed his warm cheek against the top of my hair.
If I turned my face to the side – if I pressed my lips against his bare shoulder... I knew without any doubt exactly what would follow. It would be very easy. There would be no need for explanations tonight.
But could I do it? Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?
Butterflies assaulted my stomach as I thought about turning my head.
And then, as clearly as if I were in immediate danger, Edward's velvet voice whispered in my ear.
"Be happy," he told me.
I froze.
Jacob felt me stiffen and released me automatically, reaching for the door.
Wait, I wanted to say. Just a minute. But I was still locked in place, listening to the echo of Edward's voice in my head.
Storm-cooled air blew through the cab of the truck.
BPOV
The cold wind rattled me and I found my voice. "Jake, wait!" I could hear the despair and desperation in my one voice as I called out to him.
"Please, don't leave!" Please, don't you leave me too!
Jacob quickly sat back down in the driver seat and looked at me with pain in his eyes.
"I'm never going to leave you Bella. I just don't want to push you into doing something you clearly don't want to do."
He broke eye contact and a veil of darkness suddenly made his deep brown eyes almost black. The hurt and longing emanating from every inch of his body made me whimper.
I took his big, warm hand in my much smaller one, and searched for his gaze until his eyes finally met mine.
With as much strength and assurance as I could muster I said "You don't know what I want Jake. I don't even know what I want. But tonight I just want to feel something. Something warm, secure and comforting. Please, come inside with me and keep me company until Charlie gets home."
Jacob looked at me with sadness, confusion and maybe a tiny glimmer of hope?
When we got in the house Jacob went straight to the kitchen and poured himself a glass of water and downed it like his throat was on fire. He appeared nervous and slightly uncomfortable.
I saw that the light on the answering machine was blinking and proceeded to listen to Charlie's tired, sad voice leaving a message saying that he would be staying with Sue, Leah and Seth tonight as they needed a lot of help in the wake of the shock of Harry's sudden death.
The sound of dejection in Charlie's voice made my knees weak. Suddenly all of today's events hit me at once and I started to shiver as silent tears began rolling down my cheeks. Jacob took one look at me and quickly scooped me up in his strong, warm arms, and carried me to the living room couch. He sat down and cradled me in his lap as if I was a child, holding me tight and rocking me gently until my tears started to ebb. The warmth from his chest made me feel like I was snuggled up in a cosy blanket.
I felt his rough, yet surprisingly gentle fingers drying the remainder of my tears from my cheeks. When I looked up into his big brown eyes and experienced nothing but love coming from them I almost felt the hole in my chest starting to retract. I surprised both of us when I reached up and softly touched his lips with mine. Jacob winced for a split second and his eyes shot wide open with bewilderment. After the initial shock waned, he quickly met my lips and gently started to kiss me back.
Kissing Jacob entailed a totally different feeling than kissing him. Jake's lips were scorching hot and he tasted like a soothing blend of ocean and forest topped off with a delicious cup of hot chocolate. I wanted to taste more, to feel more, and I started to deepen the kiss. Our mouths opened slightly and I let my tongue explore him. When his tongue met mine I sighed with relief. Relief that I actually was physically capable of kissing someone else, since I was never going to get to kiss him again. Relief that I genuinely could feel something while kissing someone else. Relief mixed with surprise and a little bit of sadness that I honestly enjoyed kissing Jacob.
It wasn't just the warmth and the taste of Jacob's lips that differed from my previous kissing experience. Everything was diametrically opposed. Where he would always be gentle, Jacob was impassioned. Where his body would start to tense and become more and more rigid, Jacob's body got more and more relaxed and animated. Where he - no damn it! Where Edward would keep his lips firmly closed, Jacob parted his and let my tongue do what ever it wanted to. Where Edward would keep our kisses very PG 13 and chaste, Jacob's kisses were fervent and wanton. Where Edward would pull back leaving me wanting more, Jacob kept throwing himself into our kisses showing me he wanted me more than anything.
For the first time, since my disastrous birthday, I experienced warmth and love originating from a physical encounter. I felt like I was drowning again and Jacob was once again rescuing me and bringing me back to life one kiss at a time.
Every kiss carefully nudged a portion of my heartache into a more confined section. I caught a glimpse of a future where the numbness and pain was not the be-all and end-all of my existence. There was a slight trace of something more. Something lighter. Something resembling joy. Hope?
I desperately wanted to explore this sensation further. With my lips still locked on to Jacob's I shifted my legs so I was straddling him. He let out a gasp and a deep moan when he felt my breasts close to his bare chest. His moan sent incredible ripples through me and left me slightly vibrating.
One of his big hands roughly cupped the back of my head and his fingers threaded through my hair. His other hand moved softly but firmly across my back and I was completely surrounded with his heat. The blazing waves emanating from Jacob's skin were so smoldering I almost thought I would burst into flames right then and there. I started to pant slightly and I moaned when his hand came round my back and carefully ghosted my right breast.
I opened my eyes and saw Jacobs's heavy lidded eyes darting from the contour of my breasts beneath my shirt to my eyes.
When his eyes met mine I could see questions in his "Is this really happening? Should I stop? Do you really want this?"
All I knew was that I really wanted to continue whatever we were doing. I wanted to continue feeling. For so long now I had been in this vacuum and just felt numb. To truly feel anything other than nothingness and detachment was fascinating. To actually feel something pleasurable was simply astonishing. I just wanted to lose myself in this foreign, wondrous sensation.
I answered Jacob's silent queries by slowly lifting my shirt up, pulling it off and throwing it on the floor. A low growl came from deep in Jacob's chest sending delicious shivers up my spine. My lips started to trail kisses along his shoulders, neck and collarbones. The taste of his skin was both comforting and arousing and I felt my breathing getting heavier.
I let my hands explore his chiselled chest and abdomen. The power and hardness of his incredible muscles made me feel safe and at the same time it sent tingles all over my body in the most appealing way. His sculptured, strong body told me indubitably that he was no longer the sweet, innocent boy I knew. He now was a young man with desires and needs. Desires he wasn't afraid of showing and I had never felt more wanted.
I closed my eyes when Jacob's lips and tongue carefully tasted their way down the length of my neck travelling towards the sensitive spot behind my ear. Suddenly a beautiful creature with unruly, bronze hair emerged behind my closed lids. I felt a sharp pinch of guilt followed by an immediate sense of fury.
Why should I feel guilty for letting myself feel something other than pain for once? It was not as if he wanted me anymore! Was I really supposed to spend my entire life without even a moment's worth of happiness? No, damn it! All the things that happened today, my stupid cliff jumping, saying goodbye to Edward when I thought I was going to drown, seeing Jacobs tormented face light up with relief when he realized I was still alive and hearing Charlie's broken voice as he mourned the loss of one of his closest friends, made me comprehend that I actually wanted to keep on living. Living, not merely existing, but really living. Not only for Charlie's and Jacob's sakes but also for my own.
I decided then and there that I was going to stop obsessing over the one who didn't love me and focus on the ones that did. Metaphorically I saw myself starting to push the door to the painful chamber shot and instead unlocking the door to the much smaller chamber where hope resided.
At that very moment Jacob's mouth found my earlobe, licked it gently and then slowly sucked on it. I experienced an entirely unfamiliar sensation when the heat of his mouth sent shockwaves of fire down my body. The heat gradually converged into the center of my newfound womanhood, I heard myself moaning and I started to writher closer to Jacob and crashed my lips to his.
That night was the start of my new life. Something changed inside of me when I finally let go of my obsession with Edward and pulled myself out of my head and started listening to my body instead. It turned out that my body had a lot to say! Jacob and I made love that night and although it was a bit awkward at times and somewhat painful at first it ended up being one of the best nights of my life. I never knew that my body was capable to produce such intense feelings of pleasure. Sure, like any other hot-blooded hormonal teenager I had been touching myself for years and I was no stranger to having orgasms, but the intensity of coming from someone else's touch was an entirely new experience and I discovered that I wanted that feeling more than anything. Thankfully Jake was more than willing to accommodate my wants and needs over and over again!
During the next few weeks Jake and I had negotiated the terms of our relationship. Even though I loved him and loved the feelings he provoked from my body, I was not in love with him and I had to make that perfectly clear to him after a huge argument over him calling me his girlfriend. He tried to convince me that we were perfect for each other and that I was kidding myself about not being in love with him. I spent a lot of time explaining to him that I couldn't allow myself to fall in love with him, however easy it would be to do that. I just couldn't open myself up to the certainty of heartache again, knowing that he hadn't imprinted on me and that some day he would find his soul mate and I would be left alone again. Jake was positive that he wouldn't imprint and that I was it for him, but after a lot of talking, crying and hot angry-sex he finally relented. After some time he got over his hurt feelings and actually told me that he was proud of me for being so strong and sticking up for myself. That was the day when we decided that we would always be best friends and the only thing that changed within our relationship was that we now were best friends with benefits.
The following months brought on a lot of changes in my life. Not only was I sexually active, with a slightly alarming high libido but my appearances changed too. I rediscovered my love for cooking when I started to enjoy the flavors of food again and that lead to a much needed weight gain. I no longer looked emaciated and frail. I was still slender but in a much healthier way and the extra weight had to Jake's appreciation mainly attached itself to my hips and chest. I now had a more womanly figure with an actual hourglass shape and I surprisingly found myself liking how I looked. I would never be beautiful but my new body shape together with the soft glow of my hair and the creaminess of my skin made me realize that I could be considered pretty or even, as the guys in the pack called me, 'hot'.
I carried myself with a lot more confidence now and that was partly due to my new awareness of my physical appearance but the biggest reason behind my changes in fortitude was the pack. Not only did they chase off Victoria on an almost weekly basis, but they took me in as an honorary member and worked tenaciously to help me build up my self-esteem and develop a backbone. In the words of Paul, I needed to grow some fucking balls and stop moping over some filthy bloodsucker that was too much of a pansy ass to even manage to get laid in over a hundred years!
Paul and I had developed a strange kind of love-hate-relationship; we constantly quarrelled, and to the amusement of the rest of the pack, I could now hold my own against him and I dished out as good as I got. Even though we frequently fought and called each other names, when it really mattered we protected each other fiercely and would do almost anything to keep the other from harm.
When Paul's stepdad decided one day that it would be a good idea to pay Paul a visit to remind him what a failure he was and that he would never amount to anything, I was the one who stormed over there and gave the son of a bitch a piece of my mind and then proceeded to tell him to fuck off and leave Paul the hell alone. To my big surprise he actually left, and Paul told me later that he had never seen his stepdad look so dumbfounded and scared; he said that he almost felt sorry for the old guy due to the steam coming out of my ears.
Paul in turn was the one besides Jake who was the most worried about me getting hurt, and he was also the one who was most frustrated by Victoria's uncanny knack of getting away from them; he was constantly on the look-out for any kind of danger to me. He and Jake had declared themselves as my personal bodyguards, and claimed that since I was such a danger magnet they needed to be by my side as much as possible. I vehemently argued that I didn't need any babysitters but that I could always enjoy the company of a friend on my terms. They reluctantly agreed and tried their best to keep their distance when I needed some space.
All in all, I had mostly managed to get my life back on track and the hole in my chest was not mended, but it was definitely well stitched up and duct taped. Most days I found myself laughing at something or another, and that, together with the amazing feelings sex produced made me realize that I was actually kind of happy about my life.