When an unknown sexually transmittable disease attacks the redlight districts of Sereitei, Yamamoto orders a familiar orangehead captain to check it out without informing anyone else. Who knew that a virus could cause so much trouble?

Redlight District by zenithoflife

Ichigo cursed vilely under his breath as the summer wind blew in another gust of scorching wind.

It was a fucking hot day, Ichigo decided, and definitely not the time to be having a serious mature discussion with Byakuya over his adopted sister's future. Scratch that, it was never the time to be talking to Byakuya unless it was during a battle with the 6th division taicho trying his best to play the game: How far can I splatter Ichigo's guts all over Sereitei?

But if he had a choice he would be anywhere but here—except that it concerned his approval over Rukia. And that was something that Ichigo was determined not to give up.

Hence, the serious and mature discussion.

Or rather, Byakuya tried his best to find loopholes in the current topic while Ichigo valiantly tried to state his stand.

'I have to appear serious and mature in front of Byakuya,' Ichigo vowed fervently. 'To show him that I am worthy of Rukia!'

But then again, it was not very hard to appear serious and mature with Byakuya's severe face occupying his entire line of vision and added on to the fact that his one hand was currently resting on the hilt of Senbonzakura… you get the idea.

Ichigo would stake all his earthly possessions and his firstborn son besides, that Byakuya was simply itching to bankai his ass on a one-way journey back to earth just for even daring to think that he was worthy of his sister.

And now he was giving a altogether too real attempt at pretending to be a brick wall. Or was he still in shock?

Ooh, look! His mouth was moving!

'What did you come to tell me about your relationship with Rukia? Or have you finally discovered that you are altogether unworthy of her?' Byakuya's voice fairly dripped with sarcasm.

Then again, Ichigo far preferred silence to Byakuya's thin reedy voice… Speech was far too overrated in his opinion. Especially when you were speaking to a man with a stick up his ass 24/7 and was entirely too protective of his dead wife's sister.

But right now, he was too busy bristling in indignation to care very much. How dare Byakuya think that he was not good enough for Rukia?! That unfair prick had the nerve to dare question his intentions when he was the one who was acted all cool and unconcerned when Rukia was almost being executed!

Act serious and mature. Act serious and mature. I have to act serious and mature--

'I asked you a question, Kurosaki Ichigo. Are you deaf as well as dumb?'

Serious and mature-ness can go to hell for all I care.

He fidgeted uncomfortably in front of the stoic man and tugged at the bottom of his haori. Where the fuck was his speech? He had painstakingly jotted down all the list of things why he was qualified—far too overqualified in fact, as the midget had absolutely no other suitors at all, and which would have earned him a kick from said midget had he had said so.

Except that Rukia had no idea whatsover that he was currently facing her sadistic elder brother—and why oh why did that little voice in his head suggest that he involve Byakuya before he asked her go out with him??? God knows that he wasn't even sure whether that midget liked him enough to allow him to court her.

Although he was absolutely sure that she wasn't thinking so far when they hopped into bed together. Considering that she kept reiterating that it was just lust and sex and nothing else, he felt his ego deflating swiftly with each word.

Though with the number of times she had said it, he would be surprised that he even had an ego to be deflated now.

Or was she undergoing a midlife crisis? Knowing Rukia, it was either that or menopause.

Oh god, why did this thought have to choose this time to raise its head? And why couldn't he have thought about it before he gatecrashed the 6th division?

'I said that I think…that I might…like her. A little,' was all he could stutter out. Why, oh why, was he perpectually rendered speechless in front of Byakuya?! He didn't have this problem when talking to Rukia, although Renji did—his permanent stutter was the butt of jokes in the 13th division.

'Oh,' Byakuya raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow. 'And you burst into a crowded taicho meeting, interrupted Yamamoto-genryusai in his speech and broke down two doors in my humble abode just to tell me that?'

Three things happened simultaneously. Ichigo planted his hand on the table and leaned in dangerously close to Byakuya, his head almost colliding with Byakuya's kenseikan—and inhaled, preparing to launch into his speech.

And he sneezed.

What could he say? Byakuya's perfume was far too overwhelming, especially at close range. Not that anyone would accuse him of wearing perfume. Especially perfume that smelt entirely too much like sakura blossoms…

Byakuya flinched in disgust, before proceeded to take out a handkerchief and dabbed gingerly at his face. Was stupidity contagious? He debated inwardly before flinching at the amount of germs and bacteria that could have come into contact with his face.

Contrary to all the recurring rumours about how his perfect features that were absolutely without a single blemish which the Shinigami Women's Association said was entirely due to good genes, it took effort. Excessive effort—that had all gone to waste when this rash orange headed shinigami had the audacity to sneeze in his presence—and to add insult to injury, splattering his nasal mucus all over his dignified person!

'Is that all you came to say?' Ichigo swallowed when he saw Byakuya's eyes shine momentarily with what seemed to be blood lust, before he lowered his head, resuming his paperwork.

Ichigo controlled the desire to hit himself hard on the head.

What on earth had he been thinking? Asking Byakuya for permission to court Rukia? He didn't need any permission—he was Kurosaki Ichigo! Not that he had any interest whatsoever in Rukia, no not at all—why on earth would he want to have anything to do with that midget? She was sadistic, violent, rude and had an extremely painful habit of kicking people's shins (mostly his).

Oh for gods sake, he was merely widening the range of his future brides! Why did Byakuya have to choose this time to throw a little hissy fit?

'Except that Rukia isn't just another girl.' A little voice piped up. 'You know that more than anyone else.'

Ichigo told the voice to fuck off and argue with his other voice—which was the very reason he was in here in the first place; and as if one voice in his head wasn't enough to declare himself mental and throw himself on Unohana's mercy.

Then again, between Byakuya and voices in his head, it was no wonder he was on a rapid journey to insanity.

Byakuya's cold eyes surveyed his menacing face, seemingly unruffled by the fact that the fuming orange-headed substitute shinigami was threatening to burst a hole in his ceiling with the livid reiatsu that he was emitting.

His eyebrow twitched in exasperation. What on earth had he done in all his past lives that warranted Kurosaki Ichigo to come bursting into his 6th division quarters and demand that he allow the both of them to—court?

Byakuya couldn't stop the incoming headache that was the result of his overactive imagination trying to imagine the both of them together. This had not helped Ichigo's stand.

Had her stay in the mortal world somehow impaired her ability to think rationally? He had heard that overexposure to the drugs on Earth could lead to such an effect. Added to the fact that the boy's father was a doctor—!

It had been part of the Kuchikis' customs to ensure that their offspring had the basic knowledge of all the different illnesses that could render one's mental capabilities impaired. He thought that she knew better, but should he have made Rukia go through it as well?

Byakuya made a mental note to refer Rukia discreetly to Unohana for a check-up.

He contemplated about the varied ways that he could go about emasculating Ichigo—before composing himself. Kuchikis were above that. They did not prance about secretly mulling over the idea of slicing off important genitals of brash irresponsible boys, thus rendering them unable to reproduce—and therefore being forced to stay somewhere preferably far far away from said Kuchiki's adopted sister.

He sighed. A wonderful daydream—but alas, unattainable; and he cudgelled his brains to find a solution to get the boy away from his sister for the time being.

-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

'You—' Ichigo spluttered undecorously, 'want me to do—WHAT?!'

Yamamoto didn't even blink. 'Go to the whore houses in Sereitei's famed red-light district and educate them on the dangers on veneral transmittable diseases.'

Ichigo's jaw fell open aghast, before he snapped it shut. 'I don't know what's going through that crackpot mind of yours but you must be going senile! And oh, I forgot to add, I refuse.'

'You dare to refuse a direct order from your General Soutaicho?' Yamamoto glared menacingly at him, reiatsu swelling to admirable heights, considering his age

'I don't give a shit,' Ichigo snapped, the edges of his temper were fraying and dangerously close to snapping completely. That little episode with Byakuya did not make his temper any better. 'I refuse.'

'And why, may I ask?' Yamamoto's wrinkled face loomed menacingly in the horizon as Ichigo scrambled backwards in a panic.

Goddamn Yamamoto, the sight of his pruned face contorted in his well-known death glare simply made one feel the compulsive urge to A) either resist the urge to pee in his pants or B) make a rapid beeline for the toilet to puke up his guts. And damnit if that old geezer didn't use this unfair technique to his advantage.

Ichigo wondered idly if he spent countless hours perfecting that look in front of his mirror just to petrify his opponent with his glare, before he snapped back to the present. Now was not the time to be contemplating the merits of acquiring a death glare (where on earth did they get those—or were they reserved specifically for the nobility? The normal folk in Rukongai were kind and unfailingly courteous—which was more than he could say for Yamamoto at that very moment.)

'I have a girlfriend!' protested Ichigo hotly. 'And the shit is going to hit the fan when Rukia finds out that I am trying to cultivate the image that I frequent whore-houses in my spare time!'

'You are doing it for the good of Soul Society,' dismissed Yamamoto casually with a wave of his hand. 'On whether you actually do, it's up to you what you do in your free time.'

'I DO NOT VISIT PROSTITUTES!' Ichigo felt his head about to burst open, and resisted the urge to shriek and pull his hair out, strand by orange strand. Who knew that Yamamoto could be more irritating than his dad? 'I actually value my life. Now, if you'll open the doors, I promised Rukia I'll take her somewhere actually passable for once—'

'You forced me to resort to this, Kurosaki,' Yamamoto overrode his valiant protests curtly. 'I was under the impression that you would agree once you saw how many lives were at stake—'

'Oh, no. You are not going to guilt-trip me this time, Yamamoto—'

'But you have forced me to make a decision that I would not have wanted to make—' Yamamoto continued dismissively, disregarding him entirely.

'Oh, I get it completely,' Ichigo barked sarcastically. 'You're going to pin me to the ground, make me cry uncle and force me against my will to frequent a brothel?'

Yamamoto merely blinked and looked confused at his passionate outburst. 'I have no idea what violent brutal techniques you humans employ on earth, but we advocate peace and harmony amongst our civilised and refined people.'

Ichigo snorted loudly at this. Fancy words for a guy who was known for his immense reiatsu used to kill people. And even Yachiru's vivid imagination didn't stretch as far as calling Zaraki 'civilised and refined'. Hell, Zaraki would probably castrate whoever who tried.

'—and as for calling you nephew, I can assure you that I have no such intention in that quarter.'

He clicked his fingers and the doors opened as Urahara, Ikkaku and—

'YOU INVOLVED BYAKUYA IN THIS?!'

At least this time he had adequate reason to shriek like a little girl.

'I merely offered my assistance to aid him in finding the most suitable shinigami for Rukia.' Urahara looked injured by his very accusation.

'And he is willing—,' Ichigo saw Byakuya look slightly nauseated at the thought as his Adam's apple bobbed jerkily. '—to give his permission to you courting Rukia should you complete this mission successfully.'

'What I don't see is why can't someone else do it! Get Matsumoto! She'll blend in perfectly!' He protested moodily.

'Do you intent to taint our women's innocence and purity—'

'If Matsumoto is considered pure, then what am I? Then get Ikkaku to do it! He's already so corrupted, what's a little more?' Ichigo growled, eyes darting desperately about. He could feel the steel jaws slowly clamping shut around him.

Ikkaku looked almost as hurt as the time Yachiru thought his head was a giant lollipop and chewed on it for half a day.

'He wouldn't be able to do it. Neither can Hisagi for that matter. They have an instant nosebleed just at the sight of Matsumoto's assets jiggling.'

'So do I! So does every living breathing man near them!'

'Are you calling me an alien, Kurosaki?' inquired Byakuya coldly.

Ichigo sweatdropped, momentarily feeling the claws of death twining round his neck.

'Yare yare, Byakuya! Don't take things so seriously! Besides, Ichigo, you're the only one with medical background and still unmarried! And the only thing you did when Yoruichi poofed into her nude form and when Matsumoto tries to entice you was to blush to the roots of your carrothead and scowl before turning away!! Isn't he the ideal boyfriend material, Byakuya?'

'WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING CARROTHEAD?!'

'Now, now Ichigo. I'm on your side here!'

'I thank you not to involve me in your inane caprices,' intoned Byakuya, ignoring the desperate struggles of Urahara as Ichigo tried his best to throttle him to death.

'Then what about Shunsui?!' Ichigo demanded.'No offence but that perv wouldn't mind! He probably has all the whore-houses on speed dial!'

'We need someone who won't fall prey to the lethal claws of their feminine charms,' Yamamoto countered. 'And that is a sign that you are sexually mature enough.'

Ichigo winced and struggled to free his hands that clamped themselves automatically to his ears. The images that assaulted his brain when he associated Yamamoto and sex were to disturbing to contemplate, and he shuddered instinctively.

'Hitsugaya?'

'Too young and inexperienced. Same goes for Renji.'

Ichigo scoffed. He didn't see how the redhead was less experienced than him—'For god's sake, Renji's probably a hundred years older than me! Or more!'

'But he won't be able to take the trauma,' Urahara wheedled.

'More like he won't be able to control himself,' whispered Ikkaku behind his hand—and Ichigo forced himself not to laugh.

Ichigo was running out of options. Captain Ukitake was out—his illness might flare up and he needed medication. Plus he was with Captain Unohana anyway. An angry Unohana was a scary Unohana and Ichigo had enough on his plate without having to cope with a vengeful jealous female captain out for someone's blood (namely his for volunteering Ukitake.)

'Anyone else?' Ikkaku chuckled behind his hand as Ichigo's eyes narrowed. He could just imagine him was laughing at his plight! He made a mental note to sic Yumichika on Ikkaku later.

'Z-Zaraki?' He offered weakly.

Yamamoto didn't even bother to answer. 'Then it's final. Kurosaki Ichigo, I am sending you to check if the girls have any sexually transmittable diseases and to teach them how to protect themselves.'

Ichigo swore that there was a tinge of pink flushing Yamamoto's cheeks. Who knew that old geezer could blush?

'Is there any reason why you are staring at Yamamoto-genryusai's cheeks, Kurosaki?' asked Byakuya pointedly.

'Why you—'

'Now, now. Play nice the both of you,' Urahara clapped his hands.

'I thank you not to associate me with my inferiors, Urahara Kisuke,' glared Byakuya icily.

Urahara swallowed. He could have sworn he felt his life flash in front of his eyes. A sudden silence reigned for a second before—

'WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING YOUR INFERIOR?!'

'Anyway,' coughed Yamamoto as the room subsided into silence again. 'I command the three of you to keep this matter to yourself as the number of nobles that frequent the redlight district and thus there is a high probability that many of them have contracted it already.'

'Then all the more we should inform them,' Ichigo pointed out as Byakuya nodded in agreement. 'This will lessen the number of people that do go there and in turn drastically decrease the number of infected people.'

'You don't understand, Kurosaki,' Urahara contradicted. 'This is a rare disease that can be passed through physical contact—kissing, copulating—'

'Kissing?' interjected Ichigo.'I thought veneral diseases were merely caused through the exchange of bodily fluids.'

'As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,' Urahara continued as Ichigo scowled at him. 'It is extremely rare and one that we have not stumbled across before. We need to thoroughly carry out research on it before we can—'

'Then we should tell them of this,' interrupted Ikkaku. 'The earlier we tell them, the more they can avoid physical contact with infected victims—'

'This would cause untold panic and destruction the likes of which Sereitei cannot afford to deal with!' Yamamoto bit out. '3rd seat of the 11th division, I thank you to .Place. I understand where you are coming from but I cannot and will not let Sereitei crumble from the inside!'

'This disease incapacitates the host's body from tenuous exercise—making them lose control over their bodies,' Urahara continued as Ikkaku seemed to be reduced to silence at Yamamoto's harsh rebuke. 'At worse, the host will be rendered permenantly brain damaged.'

'And Aizen might seize this opportunity to launch an attack on Soul Society,' Byakuya nodded. 'I understand.'

'Finally,' murmured Urahara under his breath as Byakuya directed a chilling death glare his way.

'But what about Rukia?' burst out Ichigo. 'She'll think I'm—I'm— And I can't even tell her otherwise—' He didn't even want to think about the consequences.

'And that's how I will choose to test your feelings for her,' Byakuya swiftly interjected. 'To see if the both of your feelings can go through this test unscathed. The first one you have to visit is called S&M. 21 Kanosuwa Street, in the Hiroshina district near Rukongai. Unless you are afraid you might stray off the path…'

'Is this a test of the both of our feelings—or mine alone?' retorted Ichigo, orange hair shielding his eyes. 'I know how much you hate to see me with Rukia, Byakuya—but you don't have to resort to such tactics!'

He turned to Yamamoto. 'I accept the mission, Yamamoto. And apologize for my reluctance.'

Ichigo and Ikkaku shunpoed off together, leaving the rest of them behind.

'Go easy on him, Byakuya,' advised the former 12th division captain. 'I never thought I'll say this but he's a good boy at heart.'

'I fail to see how my methods involve you, Urahara,' stated Byakuya frigidly. 'As long as the job is done…'

'By sending him to the hardest brothel at once?' replied Urahara. 'You know no man can resist the temptations of S&M. Even you did not come out unscathed. The least you could do was to build up his resistance slowly.'

He shunpoed off without waiting for an answer, leaving Byakuya and Yamamoto behind

Byakuya stared off into the distance, eyes fathomless.

To be continued…

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