5 Times Santana Thought She Could Love Brittany, a glee fanfic

Five Times Santana Thought She Could Love Brittany (And One Time She Did.)

Let me make this perfectly clear - I did not plan on falling for her. It wasnt like I always knew I was a lesbian, either. Actually, I was perfectly convinced I was just an overly sexual person, who got enjoyment out of the act, no matter who it was with, which is why I never truly defined myself. No labels. I was happy with that. But over the course of the year, I've realized that it's not all about sex, and life is not about looking hot and hooking up. No amount of make up and boys gave me what I was searching for - to be needed. To be someones everything. That discovery within myself forced me to look back on moments in my life, and see what was right under my nose the whole time - that I always knew Brittany would be that one person.

We were in preschool. Memories of this place arent exactly vivid in my mind, but I remember this particular moment as if it had happened yesterday. We'd just had recess - until it started raining, anyway, as it did that time of year in Ohio, and our teacher, I think her name was Claire or something, had swiftly hoarded all of us four-and-five-year-olds together in the playground, and sent us back inside the school building. I was in a rotten mood, due to an argument with this absolute bitch about her Barbie dolls that she had brought in that day to play with. If she didnt want her damn hair cut off, she shouldnt have shared her with us all, should she? Anyway, I was sulking, so I lagged behind the rest of the group, arms crossed, pouting, completely absorbed in my own world of that's-not-fairs and I'm-telling-teachers, I was caught of guard as I saw a figure slightly smaller than me skip beside me, long, wavy blonde hair swinging thanks to both flicking head movements and a strong gust of wind sweeping across the yard. The girl slowed her pace as she caught up with me, and looked up at me with wide eyes.

"You look sad," she said, in a small, girly voice.

I wouldnt have described my emotion as upset, in particular, but I stuck my bottom lip out even more. "Laurie was mean to me."

She looked at me, mimicking my pout, maybe to show she was sad for me. "She's horrible. I hope she gets eaten by duckies."

I bared my full set of milk teeth in a smile for the blonde, something I very rarely did in a genuine manor as opposed to when I wanted something. "I'm Santana. Why dont I know who you are?"

"I moved from the Bee's last week. I wanted to be a Ladybug instead. I'm Brittie." she blinked at me. "But now I dont know what we doing."

"It's just shapes. I'll help you," I offered.

She greeted this with a big wide grin that stretched right up to her eyes - and then began to skip off ahead again, twirling and jumping and running... until she slipped in a patch of mud. And as I ran over to help her, half laughing, I decided we were going to be best friends.

First day of Elementary.

Brittany and I had indeed been best friends since that day when we were five - all thanks to the rain, really - and were joined together at the hip. Practically inseperable. So when we walked into class together that day, Brit had hold of my wrist, and I could feel her arm shaking slightly. She was nervous.

"It's ok!" I had told her, leading her over to a free two-seater table at the back of the new, bright classroom. "It'll be fun. We'll have each other and I'll help you."

"That's not what I'm worried about," she shook her head. "Richard and Eric."

"What?"

"My goldfish. I'm not home to look after them. They might get lonely without me. Or hungry. What if they eat each other?"

I smiled. "I promise you, they wont." I didnt even question her choice of names for these fish.

We were fine, until our new teacher, Miss J, we called her, turned around, flashed the whole room a bright grin and told us she was going to sit us in alphabetical order. Privately, I still kind of resent this, because I ended up sitting beside a boy who still sucked his thumb and picked his nose, and because Brittany was told to join Noah Puckerman - Puckyman, back then - at his table, and that really wasnt good for my impressionable friend.

This led to one of my infamous sulks. I slumped back in my seat, folded my arms, stuck out my bottom lip, and gave Miss J a long death stare. We were doing addition.

"Now, I'm sure you all know this," she said, smiling widely. "What is one plus one?... Yes, Brittany?"

I turned, forgetting about my mood, caught her eye and gave her a thumbs up. We liked doing sums.

"One!" she proclaimed. A few kids in the class snicker, Puckyman hits her hard on the shoulder.

"It's two, dummy!" he jeers at her.

"No, it's one! Look," she stands up and points at me. "That's Santana. She's my best friend in the whole world. She is one girl. I am another girl. When we're together, we're like one person. One and one is one."

When we were in junior high, things began to change. We were getting older, and boys started taking an interest in me towards the end of eighth grade. I was taking an interest in them, too. I loved how I got the most attention out of all the girls in the class. Brittany, however, certainly got the least. She didnt talk to anyone, she stuck by my side, she was quiet, and when she did say something, people accused her of being stupid. While this made me really freakin' mad, you can hopefully understand why a comment about 'Oh my gosh, Britt, seriously, you said that?' slipped out. I didnt mean it, and I didnt want to put her down, but I loved my popularity too much to stick up for her.

So, it was Valentines day. Friday, the last class of the day, and our teacher had gone to get something photocopied and never came back (this was also the day my theory about Mr Lyons and the cafeteria lady, Roseanne, was proven to be right, but that's another story), thus naturally my table was surrounded by half of the students, all talking animatedly at me, while I just raised my eyebrows at them. Most boys left cards with hearts on them all over my desk, five or six of them even gave me chocolates and bracelets. All of this went unnoticed by me, however, because the boy I desperately wanted a Valentine from, was the only one who didnt even acknowledge me that day. Puckerman. No, he was too busy talking to Quinn Fabray. A blonde haired, green eyed, pale, athletic beauty. The jealousy I felt towards her on that day was enough to send me in one of those moods again, and it lasted the whole way home, too.

As always, I walked with Brittany to my house, which was out of the way for her, but she never questioned accompanying me. She didnt that day, either. But I didnt speak to her. Arms folded, head held high, I stalked down the road, Brit had to run to keep up with me.

"Santana!" she called, when I was about to turn the corner. "What's wrong with you?"

"I didnt get a card off Puckerman!"

She stared at me. "But you got all those other cards... and the chocolate..."

"Well, I didnt want those ones. I wanted something from him."

"If he doesnt bother sending you anything, then he doesnt deserve you." she said this with force, yet I could spot a tear in her eye. She could tell I noticed. "When are you going to realize that none of them love you like I do?"

The summer before high school, Brittany was away on holidays with her parents. I screamed at her for leaving me on my own, and the next day I went and befriended Quinn Fabray. She was friends with Puckerman, and she was going to McKinley next semester, like me, and it would help to be in her possé, no doubt she was going to be on the top at that school.

We spent those months experiencing a lot of firsts - kisses, touches, drinks, parties - gaining quite the reputation. So, when we started back in the fall, we really had no trouble fitting in. And Brittany came back, and while I still called her my best friend, I felt like she was below me (oh shush pervert, I know what you're thinking!), not as good as me.

Quinn didn't have too much trouble with letting her tag along, however, I suspected that was because a trio of hot girls seemed a more intimidating/desirable image. So, the three of us did everything together.

Including Cheerleading tryouts.

The Cheerios are the ultimate top of the pyramid as far as girls at McKinley are concerned, so it was natural that we were first to sign up. It was also no surprise that we were the hottest there. One thing that took my by surprise, was Brittany.

I knew she was a dancer. She was always skipping and twirling and jumping around the place, and she went to lessons three times a week, but I had never seen her move properly until that tryout. Her fluid, complicated, flexible movements, her energy, her passion, adorning this one minute and thirty second routine she had put together herself... I was in awe.

After the three of us had left the gym, more hopeful than over confident as we usually were when discussing becoming a cheerio, I told Brittany I thought she was great.

"But, Santana, I wasn't as good as you." she blinked at me in confusion.

That's when I realized Brit always underestimated herself around me. She'd been fed the idea she'd never be quite as good as me. And she believed it.

Still, I was a bitch.

To be honest, I don't know what happened to me. But when we became cheerios, the undisputed top bitches at this school, suddenly all I was, was this insecure, easy cheerleader.
Brittany and I never talked about feelings, but one day, I told her this.

"I feel like I'm not appreciated," I choked on my own sob. "My whole life I've been trying to prove myself to my family, but there's always something I should have done better. I can never win with them. My dad doesnt even look at me anymore. He shoves his credit cards in my face and tells me to fix whatever's wrong now. So I got a boob job. And you know what he said? He said at least it distracts from my face."

"Santana, you're beautiful -"

"Don't say that, ok? Don't lie to me, Brittany, because you are the one person I can trust in this whole damn world. Even Quinn screwed me over with Puckerman..."

"If you can trust me, trust me when I say that you're perfect." the confusion was evident on her face. "I don't understand why you cant see that."

Then she did something which we'd done before - for fun, out of boredom - but for real. She leaned forward, and kissed me. Pressed her soft, sweet, strawberry flavoured lips against mine. It lasted less than a few seconds.

But that was the moment I knew what had happened to me. I knew why I was such a bitch.

I am sure I'm in love with Brittany when we sing Landslide.

Ever since I first properly listened to the song in Sophomore year, it's melody and lyrics haunted me whenever I lay eyes on, or even thought of, Brittany.

Well, I've been afraid of changin'

'Cause I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder, children get older

I'm getting older too.

I never really got the song until I applied it to myself. The relevance, to me, isn't obvious, until one day, it hits you, it hits a part of you where suddenly, you see yourself in the story of the song, and suddenly the story makes sense. For me, it recounts the tale of how Brittany has been the one constant in my life since I was younger, my best friend, and the older I got, the more my feelings grew for her, they became stronger than friendship, and I kept pushing them aside, afraid of what people might say - and suddenly they came crashing down on me, like a landslide. My whole life was about Brittany being my best friend, and I didn't want that to change, because what if in the long run, I lost her for good?
As I came to terms with those feelings, the more sure I was about maybe telling her. About seeking Ms. Holliday's help. About singing this with her, for her. About never giving up on her, because the other option, letting her go, was unthinkable.

I understand now. It's Brittany's turn to do the same.