Author's Note: Hey, all. :) I wrote this just for fun but it's turned into quite an obsession for me. Please keep in mind this is written in satire and is not meant to be taken seriously. However, I would love is you gave suggestions on who wins competitions! I will be making the final decision, but I can easily be swayed if you want a particular veto winner or replacement nominee, or even the HOH winner! Just give a review and tell me!
Two weeks ago, the game to end all games was announced: Big Brother – All Stars! Oh, wait… no, there's already one of those. What I meant to say was Big Brother – Those "Who Are Not Quite as Good" Stars. Host Julie – Chenbot – Chen-Moonves made the announcement of the twelve who would be returning to the house and it's now time to watch their adventure unfold!
"Hello," Julie Chen announced in her usual monotonous voice. She was standing outside of an extravagant two-story house, twenty other people accompanying her. The others all had large suitcases in front of them, looking around nervously. "In just a moment, I will be telling you who the top twelve 'Not Quite as Good Stars' will be," she turned to face them. An older man smiled at Julie when their eyes met, she laughed.
"Ohmigosh!" cried a girl with a very high-pitched voice. "So you're NOT a robot!" The girl said it in all seriousness. This caused a few others to laugh. Julie just shook her head. She got that question a lot.
"Bunky, how do you feel about being asked to be in the top twenty?" she asked, addressing a bald, homosexual man. He didn't reply, he only began to cry. "Oh—I'm sorry for asking," she told him apologetically.
"It's okay…" he blubbered through his tears.
"It's now time," Julie began after a moment of uncomfortable silence, "for us to announce the twelve houseguests for this season." She cleared her throat and turned to the next camera. "When I call your name, it means you received enough votes to enter the house. These are in order of most to least." She didn't quite know why she told them that, possibly to knock them all down a peg, knowing you were the least popular of the most popular.
"First is… Karen!" Julie told them happily. A blonde woman pushed her way through the crowd and up to the front door, where she proceeded to enter. "The next to enter are… Rachel, Will, Marvin, and Monica!" Four people pushed past the group and entered shortly after Karen. "And the last player, rounding out the top six, is… Holly!" The annoying blonde woman made a loud squeal of delight and ran into the house, forgetting her things in the front yard.
"Ugh! I am so pissed off about her making it in over me!" said Dana, a New Yorker with a thick accent. She was infamous for her constant mood—being pissed off.
"No talking, please," Julie scolded and Dana shut right up. She often spoke her mind, but not to Julie.
"Hands off her, Dana," growled Ivette from next to Dana. "She's mine." Ivette was a Cuban lesbian, who had quite the crush on Julie.
"I'm engaged, I don't want her," was all Dana could reply.
"I SAID QUIET!" Julie said, raising her voice. Both women whimpered and closed their mouths. "That said, the next four to enter the house are… Jack, Dana, Ivette, and Eric!" The four swiftly entered the house, Dana looking as if she was set to punch Ivette right in the face for her earlier comment."
Julie looked over the remaining players. Bunky was still in tears, she walked over to him and sympathetically patted him on his bald head. "Don't cry," she cooed, "you're the next player!" But that didn't help, he continued to cry. Louder, even. Despite his tears, he walked into the house, happy (a bit too happy) to be playing the game.
"And it's now time to announce the final Not Quite as Good Star. That person is…" she held for a dramatic pause. "SCOTT!"
All eyes turned to the final NQAG Star. He was a fairly good looking man, who looked very serious and calm. The right of his mouth began to twitch and from behind his sunglasses his eyes were slowly narrowing. "SCREW YOU, AMERICA!" he shouted and stormed into the house, muttering profanities.
"Well…" Julie said, turning towards another camera. In the background, the remaining eight players looked devastated, their spots robbed by the likes of Holly, Cappy, and Scott, probably the result of some idiots on the internet, and when they met them they would destroy. "That was interesting. Let's look inside the house to see how everything is going right now."
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"Wow," Karen said, moving the hair from her eyes, "I was so happy to be the first one called in! I think I'll go bake some cookies for you all…" She continued her speech but it eventually turned into mumbles, with mentions of sunshine, rainbows, and Joe DiMaggio.
"Who wants this room?" asked Monica. "'Cause I want it. If anybody takes my spot… it's awwwn!"
As Cappy entered the house, he instantly heard giggling girls and screaming boys, arguing over who got what room. He cleared his throat and walked right into the living room. "Alright, kids!" he said, stressing on 'kids'. His loud voice carried on through the house and within a few moments everybody had run to the Living Room and stared at him. "This is how it's going to work. Bunky, Will, Ivette – you'll be sharing the Richard Simmons Room!"
The three, all open homosexuals, stared at him with their mouths wide open. "He's such a homophobe, it's sickening!" Will said in confessional. Still, the three trudged off to their room, looking annoyed.
"Monica, Rachel, Dana, Karen, the three of you get the Brad Pitt Room." None of the girls said anything about it, and giddily ran to their room, which was plastered with Brad Pitt posters and even had a mural of him painted on the wall. "Jack, Marvin, Scott, the three of you can have the Samuel L. Jackson room." The three laughed as they walked away from him, whispering with each other.
"I guess that leaves… one room." Cappy uneasily looked over at the last remaining houseguest—Holly, the most annoying woman on Earth. "And there's only one room left… the Joan Rivers room. Oh--" the sound guys cut out the last word.
"Can you guys believe Crappy?" Rachel said with a laugh, as she sat down on her bed in the Brad Pitt room. "He was ten times worse in Season 6."
"It's awwwn between me an him!" Monica said with a reassuring nod.
"It pisses me of," Dana said in confessional, "that Cappy thinks he just runs the house, even right after we get in. The girls in the Brad Pitt room have decided he's the first to go, we just have to bring it up with the others."
In the room to the left of them, sat Will, Ivette, and Bunky (who was crying on his bed). Ivette gave a disgusted look towards the cardboard cut-out of Richard Simmons. "You know, I loved Cappy in our season--" quite the understatement, Ivette had more of a school girl's crush on him, "—but his behavior just now was ridiculous." The Latina looked from Will to Bunky. "He goes first?"
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It had only been a few hours since the houseguests had settled in and it was already time for the first head of household competition. "Welcome, houseguests!" said Julie over her video screen. The players were lined up in separate booths in the backyard, each one looking fixed ahead. "It is now time for your first Head of Household competition. It is called 'Know Your Stars'. I will say a statement about your fellow houseguests and you will answer either A or B. If you get it wrong, you are out. The last player standing will be the winner."
"As soon as she said it was about other people, I knew I would lose," Cappy said, admitting to his self-centeredness.
"First question… Who tends to get "really pissed off"? Answer A for Dana, or B for Bunky." Julie instructed. After a few seconds of fumbling, all the answers had been revealed. Surprisingly, people got it wrong. In fact, Holly, Scott, and Monica got it wrong. After a loud shriek, somebody saying 'it's not awwwn!', and a hissy fit, the competition started again.
"Next question; which one of the following houseguests played in season six? Answer A for Cappy, Rachel, and Ivette or B for Karen, Will, and Marvin." Once again there seemed to be a struggle to get the right answer. When they were all revealed, another shocker occurred: Bunky, Cappy, and Ivette got it wrong.
"Sometimes I forgot what I season I played in," Ivette told in her Diary Room. Cappy had no excuse, he's just dumb.
"Six of you remain. Next question, which of you has met Joe DiMaggio? A for Bunky or B for Karen." Karen grinned when she heard this and immediately flipped to her answer. For the others, it was a bit more difficult. When answers were revealed, Julie gasped. "The correct answer was B, Karen. Dana, Rachel, Jack, Marvin… and Will. You have all been eliminated. Karen wins the first 'HOH!'"
Karen let out a gasp and an 'Ohmigosh!' and was immediately hugged by Will. Things were going swimmingly for the artist.
What will happen next? Who will Karen nominate and who will win the veto? Please weigh your opinions in reviews and check back for our next installment.