Author's Note: This is the official last fic of my long 'A dysfunctional family' series, aka kid!Levi series. Every fic is completely independent, as you will see if you read this one, but they do tie up.
I considered writing some of the following scenes through Kenny's perspective, but as most of the fics have his side already, I decided to write this solely from Levi's perspective. Levi is 10 years old here.
Warnings: sex scene witnessed by a young child, references of abuse, rape and trauma, neglect, underage drinking, violence by and against a child.
Disclaimer: I don't own Shingeki no Kyojin.
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The physical tiredness of work was something Levi was starting to actually enjoy. It helped drive his mind off from other things, and he did appreciate to help and get some payment in return. It had also begun to help him sleep; at first, the exhaustion only made him more restless, but soon it did its job and let him rest shortly after his head hit the pillow (and much more efficiently than Kenny's training sessions would). And he got food and money, which was more than he had managed to get for weeks. Kenny would get off his back for a couple of days now.
Levi tried to find and buy them some dinner, some meat that didn't stink and that he was sure he'd be able to cook nicely. He snatched a couple of extra bread loafs out of habit and opportunity, bitting one vigorously on his way back. The money would be enough for him to buy something tomorrow too, and for Kenny to take them to some bar to drink and gamble; Kenny did enjoy 'working' that way and earn some more money. He'd boast like a fucking stupid twat afterwards, how he managed to always earn so much more with gambling than Levi with his 'honest work'; and he wasn't wrong. But when Kenny, being the stupid ass he was, would spend everything, someone had to get more. Honest work or not.
Levi ignored some of the people that eyed him and his sparce food, as none of them actually did more than just staring. He did end up seeing a familiar face though, a guy about Kenny's age but with several teeth missing from bad health and street brawls alike, whom Kenny used to hang out in on bars more often than not.
"Hey, brat. How ya doin'?"
He shrugged a reply, seeing how the man's eyes also dropped to the meat and the bread he carried.
"That's for Kenny? Ya treat that fucker too well."
"I don't treat him any way. And it's not for him."
"Ah, then can ya share a bit? That's two pieces of bread I see ther-"
"It's mine," Levi cut short, turning his body to the side, feet apart to make his figure smaller and harder to hit in a fight and give him an edge to attack, one of the first and most basic tricks Kenny had taught him. The knife was safely tucked in his pocket, and within quick reach. "Go find some money of your own."
"Ya think a guy like me gets work?"
"You can. Leave me alone."
The man seemed irked, frowning and shutting his fists. Levi suddenly wondered how drunk he probably was.
"Ya must think ya're pretty big now, just 'cause ya don't look like a little girl anymore with that new haircut. I don't know why Kenny carries aroun' a dead weight like ya. He just wants ya to get him food and money, he'll grow tired of ya soon enough when he finds someone else who ain't such a pain in the ass as ya are."
Levi ignored the man, breathing out in irritation. For all his defects - and they were too many to count - Kenny didn't need Levi to get by. Sure, he didn't exactly complain when Levi would get enough food for the both of them, and he did expect to have enough money to gamble it. And he didn't really often return the gesture. 'Ya don't work or steal your own, ya don't eat.' was something Levi had grown used to the point of not expecting anything else. It did happen sometimes, Kenny would pay or bring food for them, just not enough to make it a habit. For all that, however, and even when at times he wanted to punch Kenny or tell him to fuck off, Levi always ended up feeling that Kenny didn't keep him around just as a personal cheap lackey or earner.
The teethless thug was just another moron who knew as much as Levi why Kenny bothered. And, down here, no one expects people to act out of the goodness of their hearts.
He quickly evaded the man, now more eager to get home and even more eager to not find Kenny in one of his stupid moods; actually, to find him in any mood. Hopefully he wouldn't even be home yet, drinking or killing someone somewhere. He climbed up the stone steps to their hideout, one they had been using for so many weeks now Levi had started to see it as home.
He heard them the moment he stepped inside. The familiar moans and grunts made goosebumps burst all over his skin and Levi halted, stopping dead in his tracks. His immediate reaction was to deny it, to think that - for some outrageous reason - he was imagining it, but a part of him didn't let him believe it for one second. Levi tucked the bread and the meat closer to his chest, holding them too tightly for some reason he couldn't really fathom. His mind rushed to explanations - had someone snuck inside their house? Were they being attacked? Had something bad happened? - but the male grunts were terrifyingly familiar, Kenny's tone was too clear through the harshness, and Levi could not pretend it wasn't him even if he wanted to. He didn't recognize the female voice, but it felt familiar, like he had heard those sounds far too many times to be able to find any distinction between them.
No. Kenny wouldn't do that. He had never... he killed people, he said he had killed women some times, and he made Levi watch as the blood sprayed in horrible gashes from their throats so he would learn, but... why would he do this too? No.
Levi only realized he had been holding his breath when a strangled gasp of air managed to escape through his mouth as he realized his feet were moving without his command, against all logic taking him closer to the door that was hardly closed. He hesited a step before he could peek, suddenly fully aware of what he would see, of what would happen, of what had happened last time he had seen something like this, but he couldn't stop himself from it, like taking a step closer to the edge knowing you'll slip and fall but still being pulled to it. The sounds of their moans and bodies viciously slapping against each other were too clear now, and as soon as he saw bare legs and patches of naked skin visible through messed up clothing he gasped and cowered to the side, falling against the wall and to the floor. The slices of bread were crushed on his fists, shut so tight they started to shake, his arms too, his whole body, and Levi realized he couldn't breathe, he couldn't hold any air in his lungs and his chest started to rise and fall and his vision started to blur and he felt so sick he felt himself choke on vomit.
Kenny did this too. Like all of them, like the pimp, it was happening again he did not want to see this, he didn't want to remember how his mother looked in these moments, how she laid naked in the bed like the woman was laying on the table now, how naked men would move against them, those gasps and moans, how she would try to hide the pain from her face later, how Levi's mistake had hurt her so much, no, stop. But he couldn't move, so the harsh movements and the sounds they made continued despite Levi's plea, and he couldn't even cover his ears, too scared to even do that. He knew they had seen him somehow, he expected the man to storm out and kick him like that client had done after he hurt his mother.
The memories started to blur together and fog his vision, so Levi started to see how this would play out in a tangled mix; the time he had unwillingly stepped into the room as his mother was with a client, how the pimp had come afterwards and how he beat both of them, throwing Levi around and hurting him while Kuchel screamed, mixed together with how Kenny had once grabbed him by the arms, lifting him up from the floor and shaking him around when Levi disobeyed him, and for a instant of pure terror Levi knew he would not be able to fight it, knew that for all the training he had, he would not be able to stop Kenny from hurting him just like he couldn't stop the pimp all those years back, just like he couldn't stop him from hurting the woman right now.
Kenny didn't stop all those disgusting grunts and the woman's moans and whimpers got louder until they were finally reduced to sighs and broken gasps, but the panic was set into Levi's bones and he couldn't move, couldn't get past the knowledge he'd get hurt somehow, that that woman was getting hurt like they always got and the man would do something for Levi interrupting or seeing him. He listened to the short word exchange between them without fully understanding what they were saying, only that there were no screams or cries, just breathlessness as clothes rustled back to place and feet starting to move around, but still he was startled when the woman exited, passing without seeing him until she stopped to turn and say something she had forgotten. Her eyes widened slightly at seeing him, and then her lips immediately curled to a smile, finding something funny and embarrassing in the situation. She didn't seem shaken by the gaunt expression Levi was surely still bearing. Steps approached from the makeshift kitchen and Kenny exited soon after too, fixing his hair and following the cue of her gaze to meet Levi crouched on the floor, groaning but apparently not too surprised or worried with his presence.
"Oh, ya're back already," it was the only thing he said before turning back to the woman and continuing to speak to her. Levi could barely register the words, only that they were confusing him; they weren't screaming, swearing or threatening each other. The woman wasn't leaning over her body or uncomfortably twitching, or at least didn't seem to be. Levi followed her every step to see some discomfort and every change in her face without hearing a single word she said, finding no tiredness or pain under the thin shin of sweat on her forehead. Both of them ignored Levi for the short time the woman took to leave, still smiling sheepishly when her eyes glanced over him.
He heard rather than saw Kenny's grinning, forcing his eyes to turn from the closed door to the man as he fixed his greasy hair again and adjusted his collar, quickly grazing his sweaty face before turning to him, casually noting the food that Levi still crushed against his body and commenting on it.
Levi didn't answer. He didn't fully see Kenny, and at the same time, he saw the man too well. His uncontrolled breathing started to settle on its own, but he couldn't yet move from the floor. A flash of irritation crossed Kenny's features.
"How long've ya been there?" he asked next, taking Levi's expression with little interest. "What? Did ya peek or somethin'?"
Kenny clicked his tongue at Levi's unresponsiveness and turned to pick and rummage his coat's pockets, dropped over Levi's bed on the floor. Levi hated when he did that, tossing and messing everything. The following questions he made about money and about the food again still didn't register; instead, Levi watched his movements as attentively as he had followed the woman's, his skin alive with shivers again, only different this time. The fear and panic slowly streamed from his heart to his lungs to his throat, heating and burning into a familiar, comfortable anger.
His legs hurt when he jumped to his feet, the tension feeling like cramps he ignored as he threw the food to the floor with a bang before tossing the coins towards Kenny, clanking and rolling through the floor.
"What the fuck's wrong with ya?!" he shouted, teeth clenching afterwards while Levi turned his back to the man and entered the kitchen, feeling every inch of his skin itch, his fingers and stomach twitching. "I really can't fuckin' stand ya when ya're like this. Stupid little dumbass."
Levi dropped to his knees and fetched a cleaning rag from under the table and a bowl he filled with precious water they had saved for drinking. Kenny shouted something from the other room and quickly stormed into the kitchen, confirming his suspicions.
"Ya're gonna waste that on cleaning? I hope ya'll get more then, I sure as hell won't."
Levi ignored him, every movement loud and harsh as he opened drawers, picked a soap bar and cut it in half, pushing and scrubbing it so hard against the rag he could feel the rough fibers scratching his palm beneath it.
Kenny seemed to return to pick up the scattered money and then returned to the kitchen to fetch something, grabbing edges of chairs and cups and doors and walls and his face and his hair and every single thing he possibly could until Levi was sure he would explode.
"Stop touching everything!" he yelled, dropping the rag into the water and spilling it to the floor. "For once, just fucking stop being such a disgusting pig!"
"I swear, Levi, one day I'm gonna beat ya up so much ya won't be able to fuckin' stand to take a piss, ya hear me?"
"You're fucking disgusting," the words left his mouth without him even realizing.
"Huh?"
"You're fucking disgusting," he repeated, louder this time, and he shouldn't have, because the moment he did, he felt the burning in his throat hurting him so much he was sure he would die if he didn't stop it somehow. "Do you know how fucking filthy this is? You're a fucking pig, how could you do this in the fucking place where you eat? You disgust me, I can't even..."
"Do what?! This is my fucking house, ya fucking brat! I fuck whoever I want to wherever I want to!"
"Get the fuck out of here, now!"
"Oh, finally? Finally ya're gonna have one of your tantrums but act normal this time? Here I was fearing ya'd just pout and clean every single little thing I touched, like a little freak. Ah! Ya surprise me after all, Levi."
Levi gritted his teeth when he felt the corners of his vision blur and he immediately slapped his face away, shoving the tips of his fingernails deep into his palms to stop himself from speaking or crying. The screams were tearing and clawing at his throat, everything he wanted to say to anger Kenny, to make him do something, what Kenny promised, what Levi wanted him to do: scream, attack him, yank at his hair, grab his arms and bruise him and prove it all right, justifying all that hatred and fear that hurt Levi so much, but Kenny didn't do it.
Why wouldn't he? He did that with women, filling everything with filth and sickness and not caring, not until he found a corpse and a dying kid, so maybe that was why Kenny really bothered, why he put up with a scrawly brat he didn't like, why he knew Kuchel to begin with. Maybe that was why, but Levi pushed that lingering thought to a distant place in the back of his mind.
He wanted Kenny to see all his rage, but instead he turned it to back to cleaning it all away, to make sure there wouldn't be more sickness and filth. He heard Kenny swear under his breath and leave, banging the door shut behind him.
When Levi was finally alone, the painful grip on his lungs seemed to finally disappear, and when it did all the bile and hate and tears that had been strangled swarmed him. He felt it first as a physical shaking, his eyes flooding, and soon after his knees bunked from under him, bashing painfully against the floor and forcing the tears to stream down his cheeks before he started to sob violently, holding his torso in his arms but failing to do anything to calm or soothe everything that overwhelmed him.
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Kenny didn't return that night.
He stayed up late, obsessively cleaning every surface in the kitchen, the floors, and then his hands and forearms, forcing himself to remember why he was doing it and why it had to be done. He couldn't bear the thought of eating, even if he was aware of the fear of spoiling the meat. The idea of throwing it out crossed his mind, only to be immediately replaced by the thought of giving it to someone. The teethless thug appeared in his mind and sent a disgusted convulsion through his body, deciding the matter for him and making him leave the food on the table after he scrubbed it thoroughly two more times. He washed his hands again before curling under the covers of the small grumpy mattress on the floor. His knees ached from falling so hard against the floor before. He feared, and was right, that he wouldn't be able to sleep; the exhaustion of work and stress didn't let him, and he feared what more he'd remember now that he couldn't get those sounds out of his head. A spontaneous burst of sobbing made tears pool against the side of his temple, loud and violent now that his mind knew he was alone and didn't have to hold back, until they died and dried out on their own. Eventually, he managed to fall into a restless sleep for some hours, waking up feeling more tired than before.
Kenny still hadn't come back.
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He ignored the physical ache of his growling stomach until he was forced to pick the meat and prepare the smallest portion of it he could bear to eat without feeling he would puke it back out. He cleaned the entire hideout afterwards, as small as it might be all things considered, but still he didn't feel better.
Levi was sitting on his bed when he finally decided there was only one solution to be able to breathe properly again. Thinking back on how familiar and grounding the burning rage felt as he looked at Kenny, he stood up, confirmed his pockets for the knife and left the hideout.
He walked mostly aimlessly for a good half an hour in which his mind didn't calm down or came to another resolve. He checked all the known pubs he came across on his path, not finding Kenny in any of them, and continued until he found an alternative that stood out in shape and color as he crossed the opposite street of a brothel.
There were working girls standing outside, two of them, smiling as they caught men passing by and dropping their faces into bored expressions as they carried on without engaging. The women gathered closer to exchange some words before continuing to walk slowly up and down the street. One of them was very young, with dirt blonde hair trailing down as far as her waist, and the other was an older, petite woman with black hair. Levi stood still on his end, his eyes first glued to the front door but then turning to follow the women in turns. The older one eventually caught him, eyeing him several times before raising her voice to reach him.
"What're you doing there, kid?" As Levi didn't answer, the woman clicked her tongue and waved her head. "Get a move on. There's nothing here for you yet."
The blonde girl walked closer to the other one, scowling at Levi.
"How long's he been there?" he managed to hear her ask before she too raised her voice. "Don't go on stealin' clients now! I know what're up to, ya hear me? This is our business! Go pick clients somewhere else!"
"Leave him, he's not doing anything," the older one said, pushing the girl by the arm to resume her walking.
Levi didn't wait much longer until a man walked out the front door and started walking down without even looking at the two women. He followed after him, hearing the young woman call him with an accusing shout that died out, probably quieted down by the other woman, but it did attract the client's attention, who turned back to see if he was the one being shouted at. His eyes caught Levi with desinterest before he turned forward again and kept walking, but about a minute later, he turned back again and found Levi still behind him.
"'fuck d'you want, kid?" he grunted, stopping in annoyance. Levi didn't stop, crossing the short distance between them. The burning anger turned into the quiet, deadly strength he needed and Levi moved his hand faster than he ever had, pulling the knife out of his pocket and straight for the groin. The man reacted by instinct, managing to deflect Levi's stab at the last moment and instead catching him on the thigh. He howled in pain and Levi growled in frustration, pulling the blade out and aiming for a higher strike that the man caught between his hands, his eyes widening in shock. "What the fuck do you want?! I don't have any money!"
Of course he didn't. He had spent it to pay some lazy, fat pimp for a girl he could use however he wanted. Levi gritted his teeth, twisting his wrist on the man's hands and kicking him, dashing to the side to land another one behind his knees to make him fall to a height Levi could fight against. The initial surprise was Levi's only advantage, but for all it was worth, it was still not enough. The man seemed to have some experience of his own when it came to fights and injuries, because he dodged the second kick and kept a safe distance, barely limping despite the stab on his thigh, quickly analysing Levi through still widened eyes and realizing the obvious; the sheer difference of their builts, with Levi barely reaching past his waist, would never allow for Levi to win now, not after the first two attempts had failed. Levi saw it too, knew it by heart after Kenny's lessons, but still he wasn't going to stop, not when he could finally feel all that anger justified and repayed. He dashed forward again, dodging one punch but getting hit on the side of the head by the second and thrown off balance. The man didn't continue though, waiting as if to allow the fight to end there, to let Levi realize he couldn't win.
Levi wanted to scream at that, for this fucker thinking he had the right to decide even this, that Levi was small and useless and couldn't defend himself, and he attacked again. This time, the man was ready, grabbing a hold of his arm and twisting it violently behind him. Levi grunted at the pain and dropped the blade from one hand behind his back to the other, spinning the knife on his fingers and shoving it backwards. He missed by a scratch; otherwise, it would have been a clean and deadly strike. He heard the man yell in shock rather than pain for the restless and vicious attack, locking his arm around Levi's throat and pulling him off the ground effortlessly. His feet kicked the air and the man's legs behind him, but he soon started to gasp from the chokehold and he was unable to stop the man from grabbing his left wrist and twisting it until he screamed, dropping the knife to the ground. The man kicked it away and lowered his body enough for Levi's feet to hit the ground and unlaced his hold around his neck, but not from his arm, and as soon as he had Levi safely trapped within reach, it was over. Even through choked gasps and teary eyes, Levi still twisted his arm again to break himself free, but the man was simply too strong and didn't let go.
The man shoved a punch into his face that made the world spin and turn black for a moment. Blood started pouring from his nose, soon to be followed by more as the man's knuckles teared the skin of his cheekbone open and Levi's legs fell from under him, his bruised knees sending jolts of pain through his legs. The man forced him up again, punching him on the side of his face again.
The fight stopped being a fight the moment he lost the knife. The man sent his fists against his face several more times before Levi got an opening and punched him so hard in the gut the man had to double over himself, allowing for Levi to reach his face and kick him straight in the nose. The man bellowed and threw his hands to his face, a gush of blood covering the lower half of his face before his teeth showed and he launched over Levi, grabbing him by the hair and punching him in the stomach before kicking his legs from under him. His ribs took the fall and kicked all the air from his lungs, leaving him gasping and coughing even as he attempted to roll over and out of the next attack. The man was ready to land it, but he seemed to decide against it, his face a mask of confused anger.
"Stay down, for fuck's sake," he hissed, groaning in pain as he went for his nose to feel the damage. He picked up the knife and started to take steps back, only turning his back when he was in a safe distance and had made sure Levi wasn't going to get up.
Levi stayed sprawled in the ground for enough time for his body to grow cold and stiff, coughing and gasping. He didn't know how long he took to roll over to his side and force himself up to his feet, hissing at the pain his body shot from so many places, not least of all his face, which he could feel to be coated in blood even before he carefully moved his hand to it and felt the warm clamminess of it. He spit the blood over his lips, feeling them throbbing and swolling already.
The walk back to the hideout took longer than he remembered. He avoided the streets he had crossed before, on the look out for thugs and MPs that would take advantage of his clearly weakened state to attack or harm him in some way. When he finally closed the door behind himself, his first thought was to just drop into his bed and sleep all the years he had lost in restless nights.
Instead, he pushed into the kitchen, mirroring his actions of the previous day in a slower, pain-filled version. Without having got more water, they had been reduced to a frankly short amount in reserve for him to even take a shower, so instead Levi was forced to use just a portion of it, pouring it on a bowl and picking up a clean rag to wash his face. He hissed at the touch of it on the open skin, drops of red falling and tainting the water. He could feel his mouth swollen as well as his eye, which burned in a way that told him he had probably blasted some vein in it, even more so when tears dropped quickly through his face.
He heard the door opening and closing and immediately scrubbed at his eyes and face, whimpering from the pain but drying most of the tears or mashing them with the dried blood.
Kenny walked by the other room for a while before coming to the makeshift kitchen, stopping by the doorframe. Levi didn't want to give him any sort of satisfaction or simple acknowledgement, so he just kept cleaning the wounds. He could feel Kenny watching him, that look of distaste on his face with a hint of a snort on his lips.
"Picked up the wrong punching bag, did ya?" Kenny asked, breathing out a cloud of smoke. "What the fuck did ya get yourself into this time, huh?"
Levi kept a stubborn silence, growing in resolve as Kenny approached him. A flash of the burning anger sparked in his chest, but it was soon smothered by his aching muscles, advising him to keep the anger as a silent scowl rather than start another fight he couldn't win. Levi felt Kenny close by the scent of smoke and the shifting of his weight in the floor, sniffing resentfully and promptely ignoring the man as he sucked the end of his smoke and moved to his side, placing a newly bought and expensive looking bottle on the table.
"Let me see that."
Levi slapped Kenny's hand away when he made an attempt to reach his face. The man growled in reply and locked his fingers around Levi's cheeks, clamping and turning him to the side roughly before pushing his chin up, making the boy grit his teeth and squirm away immediately. Kenny must have been expecting it, because he clamped him harder and grabbed him by the arm too, bitting the cigarette butt between his teeth.
"Let go of me!" Levi growled in return, twisting one arm while the other hand grabbed a hold of Kenny's wrist and tried to pull himself free. He repayed Levi's kick to the shin by shaking him hard enough to throw him off balance.
"Will ya be still, for fuck's sake?!" he yelled, trying to quickly brush Levi's bangs out of the way before he had to lock his fist around his arm again, so tight it hurt. The hold on his face was hurting him more than the bruises now too, but Levi hid the pained grunt under one of rage and kept squirming.
It took another two or three seconds for Levi to decide to stop moving rather than let Kenny and his stupid poor attempt at helping end up actually injuring him more. At first, he stubbornly refused to look at Kenny when the man turned his face from one side to the other, but then he glared at the man defiantly when he clicked his tongue and started cursing.
"Ya're so fuckin' stupid, for fuck's sake. What d'ya think ya are already, the biggest thug around? Ya're a fucking midget, for fuck's sake! Who the fuck did ya go after?" Kenny scowled harder at Levi's persistent silence. "Nevermind, I can just tell. Ya made a fuckin' announcement out of it and tried to beat a grown ass man that way. Ya can't beat people by force alone when ya're as high as their waist, ya stupid moron. What did ya think, he was gonna let ya beat him up out of how adorable ya look?"
"Fuck you, Kenny."
The man mirrored Levi's scowl and gave him what Levi assumed was a warning painful pinch in the arm before letting go of his face and turning to grab the alcohol bottle instead, opening it. He released his arm as well to properly pour the liquid onto the rag Levi had been using before. Levi watched him do it with a frown equal parts anger and distrust, feeling the instinct to resist again when Kenny moved to lift his face up. The man pushed the rag roughly against the open skin, tapping it in such a way he seemed to still want to repay him for the kick. The alcohol sting was so sharp Levi couldn't stop himself from hissing and cowering back, only to have Kenny grab him tightly by his bruised wrist, expecting another round of fighting and making sure it'd be short lived. Levi seriously considered kicking him again when the man repeated the treatment and the burning didn't diminish, but he was reduced to biting his teeth and trying not to make a sound.
"I just bought this damn thing, it's was top quality too for a change," Kenny complained loudly, but he finished pressing the rag to his cheek. Levi felt tears rising to his eyes again and pressed both his eyelids and lips tight so Kenny wouldn't see or hear him cry.
Kenny kept complaining for one reason or another, including the shortage of water that he rightfully blamed on Levi, but he also removed enough money from his pockets to buy three times the meat and bread Levi had brought the day prior.
"Why don't ya ever listen to what I tell ya? I make more money with my gambles than ya do workin'. See?" He grinned, but it twisted into a grimace when he checked Levi's eye closer. "Now if ya make me spend this shit on a doctor, I'm gonna fuckin' open you a new one, Levi. So ya better hope this looks better tomorrow, because for now, ya look like serious shit."
Levi refused to eat the rest of the meat that Kenny prepared and cooked with the last of the water they had left. He pushed Levi's plate towards him and ordered him to eat. When Levi refused again, Kenny picked it from the table and threw it to the floor, breaking the plate and scattering food and shards. He ordered Levi to remain sit on the table while Kenny finished eating, but this time he obeyed.
Trying to get his mind off the need he felt to take a bath and feeling more exhausted than he ever remembered feeling, Levi crawled over to his bed and carefully lowered his face against the pilow, wrapped in the covers. He listened to Kenny going about in the kitchen (he left the broken plate and food on the floor) and came to the main room, barely commenting about what he had been doing all day in bars before going back to fetch the bottle. Levi followed him with his eyes as he returned to the room, but to his surprise and immediate complain, Kenny approached his mattress and threw himself to his side before Levi could tell him otherwise, forcing him to scrumble back up until he was sitting.
"I don't want you getting my bed dirty," he said, his voice coming out as a whisper rather than a threat. His neck was sore too.
"Have ya seen yourself?" Kenny scoffed. "Ya're dirtier than I have been in weeks. Shut the fuck up."
The knowledge Kenny was right sent shivers down his spine. Levi pushed his knees close and hugged them against his chest, trying to find some comfort and warmth.
"I went after you. I wanted to fight you, not that asshole."
"So ya settled for the closest target? Ya know ya wouldn't beat me anymore than ya would that guy."
Levi didn't even feel angry or annoyed, because it was the truth and he knew it. Kenny sighed and pulled up a cigarette, something he knew Levi hated him doing, and lit it with a match, inhaling the smoke and forcing Levi to turn his face away to try to get away from the filthy smell.
"Ya can't act like that. Ya can't bottle up rage and then spill it out like a fucking baby throwing up all the shit it ate. It makes ya act dumb, it makes ya get your ass beat up. Ya're not supposed to just give up and die, ya moron."
"I didn't. I fought him," Levi replied, frowning. Even that hurt him. "He was just stronger than me. Everyone still is."
"Then keep trainin'."
"I am training. And I still can't beat you, or that random fucking asshole. I still get beat up like when I was younger. I still can't do anything about it."
From the corner of his eye, Levi saw Kenny turn his face to him. He sighed and raised the bottle to his mouth, drinking enough alcohol to put many drunkards to shame before sighing loudly again. He handled him the bottle, and Levi drank too, grimacing at the taste of ash Kenny had left in it and the discomfort he felt on his bruised lips.
"Did it really irk ya that much? Hearing me fuck that girl?"
The words made Levi shiver even with the alcohol to help him. Kenny saw it.
"I didn't do anything bad, Levi."
The burning of the alcohol in his throat felt like a replacement for the one he felt prior, triggering that part of him that wanted to argue, to start fighting, bringing up all that rage and need for Kenny to see it and fight it, but he couldn't gather enough strength for it.
"Can you not do it again?" he asked instead.
"Ya can be somewhere else when I do."
Levi pressed his lips together before dropping another gulp from the bottle and hissing from the sting.
"Please, Kenny."
Kenny was a not a good person, and Levi knew it, accepted that the only person he had left was someone who didn't like him, or had a twisted way of showing he did, but he didn't want to be forced to add this, this idea that he also hurt women and might have done it to his mother too.
But something had been wrong, different from what he was expecting; how the woman hadn't seemed hurt, how she smiled, how Kenny acted relaxed rather than threatening afterwards. Still, he recalled times when he'd see the women and the clients act that way as well, and that didn't change the fact of how things were. Of how his mother would hurt. The more Levi thought about it, the more it confused him.
"I don't want to talk about this," he said, to both Kenny and his own mind, silencing those doubts and questions.
"Me neither. I sure as fuck hope we won't get there anytime soon," he took the bottle from Levi's hand and drank. "We're gonna train tomorrow. After everything I taught ya, I'd think ya'd know by now, but ya're a stubborn little dumbass. Ya'll come at me and I'll teach ya all the ways ya use your size for your benefit, not as your disadvantage. Ya're gonna get your ass beat again if ya don't do it right, so do it right. Make sure ya get some sleep 'cause I'll wake ya up real soon."
Levi swallowed hard before exhaling, knowing Kenny would do exactly that. Depending on the mood he woke up tomorrow, he might not even hold back. No one would hold Levi or hug him anymore, carefully clean his wounds and tell him he would be alright. He had lost that and it would never return. What he had left was someone who would jam alcohol into his face and stomach and tell him he'd beat him up the next day so he'd learn. And still, Kenny was here, now, with him, for whatever reason.
Levi dropped his arm to his side, tucking it between Kenny's arm and body. Kenny seemed startled, but didn't say anything as Levi leaned his head against his shoulder, his less bruised cheek lowered against him. They were too far apart for it to be comfortable, but Levi didn't shuffle closer and Kenny didn't move, so Levi stayed there, breathing out slowly, the bruises in his body aching and making him want to cry. Instead, he dropped his eyes to the floor of the hideout, just feeling Kenny's coat against his cheek and letting it turn into what it had become; the reminder of what he once had when his mother was alive; the remain he had been left with, the source of care he had left.
It was the closest thing to a hug either of them would ever allow to happen.
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the end
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Author's Note: I wanted this to be a happy writing experience, I picked great music from Dark Oath, but like everything in my life, stuff needs to be fueled by bad things to move forward, so I instead finished 50% of this listening to Deviloof's great music to help me calm down. Specially the newest song Dusky-Vision, released today.
This first paragraph is unrelated to what I wanted to say in this final note, but I needed to write it for my own memory.
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I've always liked to see and write Levi and Kenny's relationship as a neglecting, dysfunctional mess. They both care for each other, but Kenny is incredibly unstable and inconsistent and Levi learns to expect this from him, while Levi himself is a kid with too much going on his head still, and I think that there was always a lingering fear that Kenny might have been his father, a fear that he would eventually start to shift towards the truth. I hope I did it right in this last fic for them.
So, the side-stance reference is from 'Parting Words', the whole build up of the first scene is a mirror to the scene of Levi seeing Kuchel with a client in 'The Window to the Sky', and the mentioning of Kenny roughing and manhandling Levi is from 'Pain'. The whole scene of Levi seeing the woman with Kenny was part of the conversation of 'The Talk', and I wanted the last fic I write with these two to feature the only mention of a hug happening between them as I wrote it in 'Father by any other name'.
What can I say, I do like references ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My plans for future SNK fics remain the same as in 2016, when I first started this little series without knowing it'd turn into one. I want to write a young adult Levi fic eventually, and as I've already written stuff about ACWNR and its aftermath, when I do the 'middle bridge', I'll have created a full headcanoned backstory for Levi.
Until then, thank you for reading, feedback is always appreciated.
Chronologically, the fics go as follow. Use ctrl+f on my profile to find them:
- Parting Words
- Change
* One day
* The Window to the Sky
* Something important (these *3 feature similar scenes told by different perspectives)
- Choice
- First
- Pain
- Reminders and remains (this one)
- The Talk
- Words
- Loss (this covers the biggest timespan, so all the previous ones would actually 'happen' in between its chapters)
- Decision
- Father by any other name
- Alone