In some ways, I totally understand exactly who he is, who he really is. He doesn't love himself enough. No one ever taught him how to. He bullies people to get his way, to feel powerful. The power that his father used on him. He compels and forces people to obey him, to give him company. He doesn't give them a choice because he is afraid that they will all choose to leave him, to betray him, to hurt him. He would rather not give them the chance to break him any further. He seems cruel, evil and at times the devil himself. Yet, all I see is a scared, broken, unloved, unwanted, self-destructive man who was never truly understood. Who was never known.
He gave me one of the best nights of my life tonight. The dress, the dance, the sneaking off to upstairs, the paintings, the horse, a glimpse of his soul. Tonight, for a hour (or two), I pretended that I was Cinderella and he was Prince Charming. I pretended that he was the man who will save me from the wicked world I am a part of, from me and from my thoughts of death and undying. I pretended that if I danced well, if everything went smoothly tonight then I will live happily ever after. But how can life ever let me forget? It wanted to remind me exactly where I was, who I was with, and what my life is really like. He is no Prince Charming; he cannot save me from himself. He is the reason for this wicked world. He is the reason for the complications, the deaths, the terror, the blood and the despair in my life. How ironic is it that the one man that I may be meant for, is the man that totally destroyed my life, destroyed my loved ones' lives?
He wants me. He fancies me. He wants to take me to Rome and Paris. He wants to show me the world, show me genuine beauty. Ofcourse, I want to go. I want to know why he saved me. I want to know why I chose to be saved. I want to know why I celebrated my birthday (funeral). I want to know why he ever thought that I deserve to see the world. I want to see more of him: the man behind the fangs, blood-shot eyes and poker face, the man underneath the wolf. He wants me to like him, to possibly love him. But how can I let him? He threatened my hometown. He tortured my bestfriends, my sisters. He killed my friend's aunt. He destroyed my town. He sired my (ex?)boyfriend. He ruined every good thing in my life, every thing worth fighting for, every thing that I ever loved. How can I let him in? How can I ever trust him?
God, I wish I could. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could let myself feel. I wish I could let myself act upon impulse. I wish he was not the monster he is. I wish he was Prince Charming. I wish I was Cinderella. Then, we could live happily ever after without all the problems of vampires and werewolves and hybrids, without the neverending pain and anguish. But he is no Prince Charming. I am no Cinderella. And this is no fairytale. This is real life, my life. And there is no way, that it could all be as easy as putting on a beautiful sparkly blue gown, driving to the enchanting castle to dance with the handsome Prince Charming.