On Your Knees, You Pray For Me
Chapter One
"You've just lost one of the best friends you ever had"
The words Bobby Singer spoke to Dean Winchester just one month earlier and yet those exact words still echoed repeatedly in the hunters head. Bobby was right and Dean was not fine then and still isn't to this very day, he missed Castiel more than anything.
Dean had been through a lot this past month; Sam was still trying to cope with the demons in his head, literally. The leviathans were still on the loose and causing destruction, not to mention they had it in for the Winchesters and Bobby.
Even though each problem was ongoing and Dean should be focusing his full attention on hunting the leviathans and helping Sam through his difficult time, he couldn't help being pulled back to his own personal pain inside, losing Cas was having a much greater effect on Dean, more than he initially realised.
Every time Dean opened the trunk of his beloved impala, he was reminded of the angel. He kept the trench coat close by, close to him and locked away safely inside his baby. He couldn't bring himself to throw it away, it was his last reminder of Castiel and moving on from the loss was harder than Dean had expected. A bolt of pain would shoot through him every time his eyes rested on the folded trench coat, he would simply take a few seconds to think about Castiel and when reality pulled him back he would simply shut his emotions out, close the trunk and any thoughts of Cas. But they never truly went away.
Sam may have been facing his own personal trauma, but his brother's pain did not go un-noticed by him or by Bobby. He feared Dean was losing all faith again; the weight of the world was on his brother's shoulders, not to mention trying to protect and look after him, while he was fending off thoughts of hell and Lucifer. Sam admits that he isn't always an open book himself, but Dean has a bad habit of covering up his own pain and putting on a brave face. Sam didn't know how much longer his older brother would last before he cracked and his own form of insanity would break through to rival Sam's. Unfortunately that day was about to hit, sooner than Sam, Bobby and Dean would have liked.
Today was a particularly bad day for Sam. His hallucinations were hitting their peak. Lucifer was back, playing with his head and making life down right difficult. Just this morning, Bobby had to wrestle a knife off the younger Winchester as he attempted to slash thin air, accidentally catching Dean across his right arm with the sharp blade. Sam was more than apologetic and yet ten minutes later he was shooting at the door of their motel room, in his words "trying to escape the pit". Dean couldn't fight his brother anymore, when the hallucinations got this bad, it took all of Dean's energy and strength to pull Sam back into the real world.
It was beginning to tire out Dean and Bobby, although Dean handled the most part of it, he insisted since it was his younger brother, that it's his job to look out for him. Sometimes they just had to ride it out, letting Sam sit in the corner whimpering and rocking backwards and forwards until the hallucinations passed. It was an awful sight for the other two hunters to witness and it got harder each day. Yet they never give up looking for new solutions to help Sam, amongst finding a way to kill the leviathans that were still gunning for them. So far they had been unsuccessful in both respects and it's times like this that Dean would have called on Castiel for help.
The daytime was drawing to a close and as twilight approached Bobby had rushed out to follow up a lead which they believed to be a local leviathan attack. He was thankful to get out of that motel room; he couldn't bare to see Sam acting up again. When it was a bad day both Bobby and Dean would often take it in turns to grab some fresh air or go for a long walk, giving them both a little break.
Dean was also close to breaking point; it had been one of them days and while he had just about gotten through them before, today felt different. He couldn't help but think of Cas, the way it all ended so fast and how much he needed him here right now, not just as a helping hand, but as a best friend.
After dishing out a hard punch to his own brother to make calm him down, Dean had enough. Sam went back to rocking in the corner, Dean's punch had calmed Sam down, but his hallucinations were still quite literally driving him crazy.
Not being able to watch Sam's suffering anymore and with Bobby out hunting, Dean decided to get some air. Still with the motel room in sight, he headed towards his parked impala, taking a seat on the bench just by the car. He leant forward burying his head in his hands and taking a deep breath.
Dean managed to pull his head up long enough to look over to the impala and dragging himself to stand up; he approached the trunk of the car. He opened it up and took a long hard look at the folded up coat that remained in its usual place. For the first time since he put it there, he carefully reached out and swept his hand over the coat, sending a shiver up his spine. Dean's head immediately flooded with thoughts of Castiel, memories both good and bad.
He picked up the coat, carefully unfolded the now wrinkled material, closed the trunk of the car and made his way back over to the bench and took his seat. Spreading the trench coat out gently across his knees, Dean simply fingered the material in front of him as tears started to fill his eyes.
This was the first time Dean had truly let his emotions surface since he lost Castiel. The tears now streaming down his face, he choked out small, almost silent sobs. Bringing the coat up to his head, he buried his face in the material and holding back the cries of sadness that threatened to escape his mouth. Lifting his head up and looking down at the trench coat, he started choking out his words among the tears, as if he was talking to the angel.
"I'm so sorry Cas…I'm sorry it ended the way it did. I wish you were here, we need you, I need you…more than anything…I miss you. Please come back to me"
Dean muffled out his words, practically begging the angel to return to him. He knew it wasn't possible, but he was desperate. He didn't even say goodbye, not properly and now he was never going to get that chance and that thought alone killed him.
Dean looked up to the heavens with tear filled eyes, hoping that Cas was up there somewhere and could hear every word. Doubt filled his mind and his gaze fell back to the trench coat in his arms. He gathered his thoughts and tears, taking the coat back to the impala and once again locking it away in the trunk of the car, before drying his tears and heading back inside to take care of his brother.