5

It had been a difficult day; a difficult case. I wanted to have some time to think, time alone, there is never time or space to think when Tony is around. I took the short walk to the river and sat on one of the benches. This was a good place to think, not too many people this late in the day, those who were around were on their way home, too intent on their own lives to notice one woman sitting, staring out at the water.

I opened my hand, there it was, an empty box - he had gone away again, and left me alone again, and this is what he gave to me, a promise he called it, but what does he promise me? He has not asked me to marry him, not even to move in with him, so what does he want from me? What do I want from him?

Ray Cruz; he is handsome, sophisticated, a passionate and considerate lover; everything I could want in a man. The kind of man I have always thought dangerous and exciting. All my life I have used men such as him, I have enjoyed the sex, the laughter, the danger, and then I have abandoned them, it is what I do.

No, that is not true, it is what I would have done in my previous life, the Mossad years…I was a different Ziva David then. A single-minded assassin who thought nothing of killing; it was a means to an end, the security of my country, for it was my country then, it meant everything to me. What I did was for Israel, for my father, when he said kill, I killed, even my own brother, I lied for my country; I let men use my body if it would get me what I needed…I took part in torture, and I felt nothing, nothing but determination that Israel would remain strong in the face of her enemies.

No, be honest Ziva, I felt more...there was pride...when my father told me I had done well, I was again the child I had once been...so many years before...before Talia, before I knew the truth about Ari...There I was, always waiting at my father's knee for a word, a smile, something to show he cared...but did he care? Does he care even now? Is he sorry to have lost me or merely angry that years of training have been wasted; that my skills are no longer his to control?

I am truly lost to him now, not as a daughter, I will always be his daughter, but I am no longer a piece of clay he can mould in the image of a perfectly formed Mossad operative, I am Agent Ziva David of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service, and I am proud to be so.

I started to change the day I came to America…I did not know it then, but little by little the chains around my heart were loosened. I started to see the world in a new light, I even stopped sleeping with a knife under my pillow; not right away, old habits are hard to break…I had learned not to trust people, unless they were Mossad, to remain aloof, show no emotion; my father had drummed that into us almost from the cradle. Even when my darling Tali was taken I could not open my heart to him, I did not even know if he cried…I hope he did, she was worthy of his tears.

Jenny had told me that she was putting me with good people; in the early days I do not think I understood what that meant. Then I started to work with them, and in time I came to understand, they can be single-minded and even ruthless when the case makes those demands, but they can also be kind and gentle.

I expected many difficulties when I became Mossad Liaison here at NCIS, it was so soon after Kate, and they all knew something of my connection to Ari, even if they did not know what I did to him. There were some moments when I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life, I could feel them watching me, Tony most of all, wishing I was not there, that Kate was still sitting at her desk. I saw the guilt in Gibbs' eyes, he has never truly forgiven himself for losing her, Abby wanted nothing to do with me, that was plain for all to see…and McGee…he was hurting too, Ari's bullets missed him, I know there were times that he questioned why…why Kate and not him? But he never blamed me; he was the first to make me welcome even though anyone could see how much he missed Kate.

Over time I started to see them as family, and that was dangerous, never in my life had I questioned my loyalty to my father, my country, to Mossad, and here was this motley group of individuals who had somehow moulded themselves into a whole...the team, Gibbs' people, and eventually they allowed me in. Then I almost ruined everything, Michael came with a mission from my father, and I had to lie to Tony, to all of them...they looked at me as if I was a stranger, I was no longer the team mate who had worked by their sides for years, I was an Israeli agent, who would do anything to ensure the success of her mission...perhaps I had not travelled as far as I thought...still Daddy's girl, doing his bidding every time.

Then there was Somalia...more men dead, wounded, and I was again doing exactly what my father wanted, heading into the desert to kill a man. But I failed, and I paid a price, higher than I will ever tell another living soul...I was almost broken beyond repair, I looked for death, I would have embraced it, then Saleem dragged me into that cell, and they were there...they had risked everything to come for me...it was almost too much when McGee spoke of his joy that I was not dead...how could it be? I had betrayed them, lied to them, but still they came...I do not know what I have done in my life to deserve such friends, but whatever it was; I give thanks...each and every day.

I put down the box on the bench and stared out over the river, it is not a particularly pretty view, but I like to sit here and think...this is home after all.

Do I love Ray? I have deep feelings for him, such as I have not had for a long time, but love? Am I even capable of love, has my life dulled my senses so that I can no longer feel? No, that is not true...I knew love once...but he was gone too soon, and I closed my heart again, the pain I felt when I lost Roy, I did not wish to feel that way again...I think of him often and I wonder what my life would have been had he lived...

Would I feel such pain if I lost Ray? In truth I do not think I would, I am not sure I will ever make a connection with any man the way I did with Roy Sanders. It took a tragedy to bring us together, but I would not trade my time with him for the riches of the Orient…we shared seven kisses…I cherish each one…then he was gone, and I tried again to be stoic, to go on with work, but the others knew how deeply I had fallen for Roy, for the 'Dead Man Walking'…they gave me space to grieve, but always I knew they were looking out for me, ready to help if I was unable to deal with my loss. I kept most of my feelings inside as I always had, I cried only when I was alone, but they knew at least some of my pain, it was impossible to hide all that I was feeling…

Would I feel such pain if Ray Cruz was no longer in my life? It would hurt for a little while, of course it would. We have shared some wonderful times together, Ray is a man of many talents, and I think in his own way he cares for me, but he is an Agency man first and foremost, another nomad, flying away to far-off countries at a moment's notice…I meant what I said to Tony, I have done with nomads…I have found peace in my professional life, now it is time to look for the same tranquillity in my personal life.

Somewhere out there is a man who can love me, can commit to me, a man I can love with all my heart, even the wounded part of it…

"Ziva, you okay?"

I had been so engrossed in my thoughts I had not even heard his footsteps. "I am fine McGee, just thinking…"

"Yeah, tough day; I came out for some coffee, saw you sitting here, I thought maybe you'd like one."

He handed me a cup, and I smiled gratefully, it was growing cooler now, and a cup of hot coffee was most welcome. "Thank you…do you have time to sit?"

"Sure, no reason to rush home."

He looked a little sad, and I realised that I had been so involved with the case, and Ray, that I had not spoken with McGee alone for…too long. "So McGee, how are things going with the lovely Maxine?"

"Gone the way of all my relationships…south."

"Did you think of going with her?"

He looked puzzled. "She hasn't gone anywhere…it's just a saying."

I smiled. "Yes McGee, I know…it has taken me some time, but I am at last getting a hold on American idioms."

"A grip…" He saw my expression, and he smiled warmly. "You knew that didn't you?"

"I am an American citizen now, it is only right that I should know."

"I'm pretty sure you know a lot more that you let on Ziva."

I took a warming sip of coffee. "Perhaps I do, but a lady should never reveal all of her secrets, do you agree?"

"Given my track record with women, I don't think I'm the right person to ask."

He stared out across the river as I had done, then turned to look me in the eye. "Gibbs said Ray had to leave, are you sure you're okay?"

I laid my hand on his arm. "I am sure…even after all these years you are still doing it." He looked perplexed.

"Doing what?"

"Trying to make me feel better, you do not have to try too hard – you always seem to make me feel better McGee." And as soon as I had said it I realised it was true…

He was smiling now. "Happy to help…Ziva, why don't you ever use my first name?"

It came out of the blue, and I did not have an answer, but I could see that he really wanted to know. "Habit maybe…I have called you McGee for so long…and I like the way it sounds…you do not wish me to call you McGee any longer?"

"I don't mind, I was just curious…and I like the way it sounds when you say it. But maybe off-duty, you know if we're out for a drink or something…not us, I mean the team, all of us...you could use my given name?"

I shivered a little…it was becoming chill now that the sun was going down, and I had come outside without my sweater. He noticed, of course he did.

"We should be getting back inside, you're cold, here Ziva, take my jacket."

Ever the gentleman, he draped his jacket around my shoulders and took my hand to help me up from the bench. We headed back toward NCIS and I suddenly remembered the box, it was still on the bench; I turned to look at it, but I did not go back to pick it up, after all, what was it? An empty box full of empty promises…

I linked my arm through his, he seemed surprised, but he said nothing, just smiled, he has a very pleasant smile, it would be good to see it more often. "So, if you have no other plans for this evening, would you like to join me for dinner…Timothy?"

THE END

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