Chapter 1: Pillars of Sand

One minute I held the key,

Next the walls were closed on me,

And I discovered that my castles stand,

Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand...

Nassau, Bahamas

16 years ago

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins... Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice... Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

The big, heavy book closes.

She knows what that means, and her tired eyes snap open.

"Mama, stay."

Her nimble fingers reach for her mother's arm, just as Caroline tries to get to her feet.

A sympathetic look graces that familiar face.

"Eleanor, it has been three hours... Mama needs to sleep too."

Shaking her head violently, the child grabs her arm with both hands now, her big, blue-green eyes glinting with unshed tears.

"You can sleep here, mama. I don't want to be alone. Please?"

Setting the Bible on the bedside table, Caroline smiles at her.

"You are a big girl now. Remember... Big girls need to be strong. One day, you will be the one reading this book. Teaching your own babies to be strong."

"I don't want to teach."

Sighing softly, Caroline strokes her soft hair.

"Mama, can I be little forever?"

"No, baby, you cannot."

"But I never want to grow up."

This time, Caroline is the one who feels the sting of tears in her eyes.

Putting her arms around her little girl, she tries to recover.

"How I wish you could stay forever this young... Forever in my arms, my baby girl, so safe, so warm, so sweet... Unharmed by the world." A lump forms in her throat and she presses a kiss to Eleanor's temple. "Sadly, it is not possible."

The child jumps slightly in her arms when the door opens.

The soft glow from the candle in his hand illuminates his face.

"Caroline."

Eleanor gasps, eyes filled with urgency as she stared at her mother's face.

"Mama, don't leave."

There's a scoff from the man by the door, his voice lacking any tenderness or even sympathy. "For Christ's sake. Just leave her, I will go get Scott-"

"I don't want Scott, I want you, mama."

Looking from her daughter's face to the doorway, she takes a deep breath, hopeless and lost.

"Richard..."

"No excuses, Caroline. She is six years old, this is ridiculous. If we do not take care of this needy behavior of hers now, what kind of adult will she become?"

"She is still so little, she needs us."

Coming over to the bed, he grabs a hold of his wife's arm.

Their daughter lets out a heartbreaking cry when he practically yanks her mother away from her.

"What she needs is discipline. All this coddling will get her nowhere."

Caroline meets her eyes with an apologetic look on her face just before the door closes. With no candles to illuminate the room, darkness claims it immediately. And panic begins to set in.

Eleanor hears it when the door is locked from the outside. She won't even be able to leave her room, to crawl into her parents' bed once they're asleep.

She's trapped like an animal, and amongst all the fear taking her over, there's a twinge of a different feeling. A feeling still so foreign to her. She feels guilty, but whenever her father does this, she just wants to hit him. She wants him to disappear, to leave them alone.

But he's her papa. She should love him, she should be grateful. Just as mama teaches her.

Then what is it she feels?

It's so confusing to her young mind. When papa is away, she misses him. She wishes he would spend more time with them. But when he's here...

He just ruins everything.

Throwing her covers aside, she jumps down from the bed and runs to one of the windows. Her hands shake as she opens the curtains.

The moon is big tonight, round, and she's relieved when the light floods her room.

She can see the ocean from here. It bothers her; the fact that they will move soon. She likes it here. But mama says it will be better in the new house, and she trusts mama.

Still, she wishes they could just stay...

The ships sway in the distance and she rests her chin on her hand, big green eyes taking it all in.

They fascinate her, the ships. She often dreams of sailing away, seeing the world, having an adventure...

She hears the sea, calling out for her.

That call is still just as insistent as the years go by. Even though she can't see the ocean anymore, whenever she opens the curtains in the new house.

She misses the ships so much.

The comforting sight of the horizon, a promise of endless freedom and happiness.

Of danger. It contrasts with the safety that the dry land represents.

She misses the ships.

She soon begins to learn; choose this safety above all else.

God, how she misses the ships.

Most of all, she misses her voice.

Her calm, loving voice. Her bedtime stories. Her presence. She misses the comfort of her mother's arms.

She will never see her again.

Her mother is gone. Buried. And she's now learning how to keep her tears from coming.

Still, every single night... When she's falling asleep, all she wants is for somebody to hold her safely.

All she yearns for, all she needs is an embrace. Whatever comes closest to the love she once felt coming from Caroline.

An embrace, so she doesn't have to sleep alone.

Simple as that.

Present days

Clothes are thrown aside carelessly, and every time her fingers touch those familiar muscles, tears burn in her eyes. She tries so hard to ignore what's to come, to pretend, just for now, that everything is okay. To enjoy this.

The last time she will ever feel him. Her plan is a dangerous one, a crazy one, but she has every intention of following through with it, of succeeding. And once she does, their story will be buried just like her mother's bones.

She already had to say goodbye to him once, but this time it will be forever. And it feels as if her very soul is being triturated. It wasn't supposed to hurt this much.

It's the only way.

She's so close to having everything she ever wanted, and this is nothing but a necessary sacrifice. She will get over it in no time.

Each time she repeats that mantra in her mind, it gets harder and harder to believe it.

Who would've known this bed could feel so comfortable.

He hovers above her, predatory eyes filled with adoration. It breaks her heart into a thousand pieces, and she doesn't think it will ever be possible to repair the damage.

His arms encircle her completely, sliding under her back. Her breasts press against his chest as he pulls her flush against his body. Her lips claim his again, and he's holding her so firmly.

Almost as if he thinks she will turn to sand and slip through his fingers at any time.

He's not entirely wrong.

It seems to last forever. Eleanor prays it will be over soon, but when it finally ends she starts it all over again after a few short minutes.

The first time is tender. Loving, even though he did get aggressive sometimes.

The second time is her turn to leave marks and take the lead. His eyes remain glued to her face all the time as she rides him, nails scratching, digging into the skin of his chest and abdomen. Each time she does it, he squeezes her thighs in response.

After she collapses on top of him, trying hard to catch her breath, he gives her a few minutes. Goose bumps rise all over her arms as he strokes her back soothingly.

And without any sort of warning, he's suddenly surging forward, grabbing her and changing their position. A short sound of surprise leaves her lips as she finds herself on her back, her head near the foot of the bed.

The third time is probably one of the deepest experiences they've ever shared.

It's slow, gentle, so unlike them, but she doesn't have a word of complaint.

It feels as if he's seeing right through her. Like he's staring into her soul. It's uncomfortable, and she often distracts him by kissing his lips desperately.

The third time makes her forget.

It's just them, their bond, their strong connection, different from everything she's ever felt before. It's just the pleasure, the intensity of this moment.

She forgets.

But when they're both lying there, trying to recover, harsh reality comes crashing over her again.

Night has fallen outside by now, and they don't bother moving to the right side of the bed. The glow from the fireplace illuminates his face, making his eyes so captivating as he stares at her. Like she's his treasure.

God, she's going to miss that look.

Clearing her throat, she breaks eye contact. "What are your plans from now on? That assuming you have any."

His chest rises as he heaves a sigh. Her fingers tighten in his hair. "I told you what my plans are."

She can't contain her scoff.

"No solid strategy whatsoever?"

Feeling him shrug, she rolls her eyes. He's not that idiot, she knows he's planning something. But apparently, he doesn't feel like sharing anything with her.

It's hopeless. There's truly no way she can choose this path, no matter what she feels. No matter how scared she is.

On the other hand, something in her gut is telling her that if she follows through with her own plans tonight, she will be sealing her own death sentence.

She feels so much darkness. As if she's at the edge of a cliff, about to jump to her death.

It's absurd.

"Nothing is going to happen to us, alright?" Charles' voice brings her out of her thoughts and she forces herself to nod.

Even though she doesn't believe him at all.

His fingers caress her shoulder softly before weaving through her hair and massaging her scalp as she rests her head on his chest.

She has to close her eyes in order to keep her tears from flowing.

Their last quiet moment. The last time she will ever be this close to him. The last time she will ever feel his love, this thrilling, scary and exciting thing.

It's just like the sea, coming to think of it. And just like the sea, it calls to her. But she has long since learned to always chose the mainland.

The safe path.

He's being so good to her. So gentle. She has no doubt he'd do absolutely anything to keep her safe. But she can't just assume he will always succeed. This isn't a stupid fairy tale.

It's just such a huge risk; one she's not willing to take.

When his fingers finally go still, her heart sinks.

When his breathing turns even and deep, signaling he fell asleep, she wants to cry.

It's time.

Time to say goodbye.

It will be forever. He won't be terrorizing the brothel to piss her off. He won't be around to give her those maddening looks. He won't be around to turn her world upside down.

He won't be around to be her source of comfort anymore.

She travels back in time for a moment, while trying to gather the courage to leave his embrace. This horrible feeling reminds her of all those times when her mother was forced to leave her alone at night. How she hated her father for taking Caroline away...

And now she's about to run to him. The promise of building something with that man gives her the courage she needs, and she locks those silly thoughts away.

Thank God she tired him out tonight.

He hardly even stirs when she leaves his arms, then the bed.

Her eyes keep returning to him while she gets dressed, as silently as possible. It's like there's a lump in her throat, and she nearly gives up more times than she can count.

Her heart is drumming in her chest as she picks the key up, slowly. For a moment, it feels as if the metal is burning her skin.

When she walks past the bed, her blood turns to ice. A barely audible sound comes from him, his arm moving and prompting her to walk faster.

It was almost as if he was trying to reach for her, one last desperate attempt to keep her at his side, even while he's sound asleep. It's useless, and Eleanor successfully locks her emotions away as she closes the door slowly. One look at the corridors lets her know there's no one around, so she grabs the first torch she sees and begins the short journey to her destination, the path still clear in her memory. Her fear grows, but so does her confidence, her determination, and she picks up her pace.

Leaving her shredded heart behind, with the man she once called her lover.

Sweat trails down the valley of her breasts, and she's not sure if it's due to the suffocating heat or her intense anxiety. Probably a mix of both.

Adrenaline flows through her veins and she knows that once it passes, the pain in her hand will be so much worse. From what she could see of the wound, it was deep and large. Hopefully it won't get infected.

Poetic; physical pain to match the profound sorrow tearing her soul apart...

Her emotions try to get the best of her again, and once more, she pushes them to the back of her mind.

Whoever it is, he's coming fast.

He's coming fast and if they get caught, she's sure her life will be at risk.

Her hand protests as she doubles her efforts, using all her strength. The gate starts to budge and at this point, her despair is so huge that she doesn't even think about all that dirt and rust rubbing against the gash on her palm.

She doesn't think about him either.

Her mind is focused solely on her goal, on getting out of here alive, while also keeping the girl unharmed in the process.

The glow from their mysterious pursuer's torch grows, illuminating the walls, just as they succeed in opening the old gate. It's far easier to close it again, but her hand feels as if it's on fire by now. Still, she never stops.

They're almost there. Their pursuer will probably see them but he won't be able to do anything.

Not with a locked gate between him and them-

Her heart stops.

Wide, horror-filled eyes stare at him as he steps into their field of vision.

All the sorrow, all the guilt and regret she'd so successfully managed to ignore, come crashing over her again.

The way he's looking at her.

It resembles the look he gave her once upon a time, a considerably simpler time, when she so bluntly declared that things between them were over.

That look of a lost puppy. A hurt little boy. As if she'd just crushed his whole world, when he least expected it.

He looks from her face to the key. The mix of emotions dancing in his eyes causes her heart to clench painfully.

Confusion. Sadness. Indignation. Disbelief.

"I saved your life. I killed him, for you."

God, she's a monster.

"Low and his crew. I killed them all. To protect you."

What would her mother think?

"You didn't do it for me."

He did. Deep inside, she knows he did.

But God help her, if she acknowledges that fact now, she will never be able to follow through with this.

It's such a scary truth, so she tries her very best to focus on her denial, to pretend things are different.

To pretend this man doesn't care for her, more than anyone else ever did.

Except for her mother-

"You will turn on absolutely anyone, won't you?"

It's not like that... He doesn't understand.

It's exactly like that.

"So what's the plan? Leave me to answer for this among the men? Assume they'll tear me to pieces for granting access to the woman who stole the girl out from under us?"

She doesn't give a shit what's going to happen to him. She doesn't.

Her ability to lie to herself... she needs to use it, now more than ever.

"My death sentence?"

Her skin crawls.

Will she see it? Will she see his dead body at some point?

Will she be able to take it?

What on earth is she doing?

"Listen to me clearly."

Her father, what would he have done? If he'd heard about Low's plans, would he have moved a finger to aid her? To save her life?

Would he have cared enough?

That lump forms in her throat again. She knows exactly what is the simple, short answer to those questions.

But it doesn't mean a thing.

"Put down that key, walk back through that gate, return the girl, and I will sort this with the men. You have my word."

There's a gentle edge to his voice. She can't decode the look in his eyes, but it's far from hostile.

She can't even blink, this is the last time she will ever see him looking at her like that.

The temptation...

You have my word.

He never lied to her. He never-

"But lock that gate and there is no walking back through it, ever."

The metaphor is so clear, and his face changes when he says those words. That familiar anger is back and hell, she's actually going to miss it too.

"And I assure you, you will hear from me again."

A shiver goes down her spine.

That unpleasant feeling in her gut grows stronger as her eyes widen a little.

It's safe to say she's never been afraid of this man before. It's safe to say she believes he would never step over the line. He would never cause her pain. He would never go past the point of no return... What is it, exactly?

She doesn't want to find out.

Right now, standing here, with that key in her hands... Right now, staring him in the eyes after that threat, she feels afraid of him for the first time ever.

There's something screaming at her, pleading her, begging her to obey. To make that uncharacteristic choice, to give up.

It's not like her.

It's so not like her.

But this feeling is so strong, almost like an omen, a macabre presage, dark promises of the horror that awaits for her if she follows through with this. It's enough to make her tremble, the strongest wave of deja vu coming to drown her.

This is a foreboding, and she's felt it before, long ago.

His eyes drop to the key one more time. She moves her fingers nervously, staring at his face. Having some trouble breathing, she travels back in time again.

Exactly the same feeling.

The same feeling she had when her mother told her to hide.

The same feeling she had while waiting patiently, scared, for Caroline to return.

The same feeling she had just before she saw her mama's dead body. Her destroyed body.

A gasp nearly leaves her lips but she chokes on it.

Right now, she's that little girl again. That terrified little girl, shrinking in her hiding spot and listening as those monsters tore her home to pieces. That little girl, crying silently and praying her mother was safe.

All she wanted was the comfort of feeling loved, of being safe and warm, and she would never see her mother again. Never feel the embrace of someone who cared, someone who understood-

God, what the fuck is she doing?

A strangled sound leaves her lips, as if someone is tearing her soul out.

And then the key drops from hertrembling hand.

His eyes close for a brief second. And he wastes no time.

Frozen in place, she barely hears the girl's shaky pleas. The gate they had so much trouble with gives in easily under his strength.

It's like she's in another world. Everything is just so faint, but she's still aware of the commotion all around her.

A few men, she's not sure how many. There's heated arguing, a fight about to erupt, but she's trapped somewhere between the past and the present, between reality and her own private little world.

It's probably an emotional breakdown; the result of repressing feelings and lying to yourself for two entire decades.

The damage she caused to herself is catching up to her.

It could have been seconds.

It could have been hours.

All she knows is that when the fog in her brain clears, there are three men taking the girl away. And leaving them alone.

Regret comes as soon as she realizes what she did.

He has the key in his hands, and he's unharmed, staring at her.

No gentleness. No anger. No pleading look in his eyes anymore.

Just icy coldness.

The adrenaline begins to die down, and she cradles her hand to her chest.

If she runs, he'll catch her.

If she screams, no one will come.

What did she do?

Still shaken from her breakdown, she flinches when he grabs a strong hold of her arm. His grip loosens a little, but it's still probably hard enough to bruise.

Swallowing hard, she keeps his eyes bravely. There's dizziness, nausea, and her head aches from that influx of emotions and painful memories she tried to repress for so long. But she refuses to back down.

The look in his eyes is unreadable.

He nods curtly at the corridor, a barely perceptible gesture. Then he's pulling her back in the direction of his room.

She has no choice but to follow.

Notes:

This idea has been in my head for almost an entire year now. It wouldn't leave me alone, so I finally started to write it down.

Although I have many plot ideas already, some things are still kinda messy, and I will try to do the tweaks and adjustments as best as I possibly can, while also trying not to alter the original story line too much. I just want my poor babies to stay together, that's all lol.

Since there will be a lot for me to take care of in this story, I'm not sure how regularly I will be able to update. But I'm already trying to figure out where the next chapter is going, so it should be here in a week or maybe two. Bear with me :)

I'm excited to write about the 18th century. If I make any historical mistakes, please point them out to me ;)