Note: This is a one-shot based on the song Scottie Doesn't Know, by Lustra, most famously known for being in the movie Eurotrip. Just a little something I hastily wrote.
Disclaimer: In its use of intellectual property and characters belonging to JK Rowling, Warner Bros, Bloomsbury Publishing, et cetera, this work is intended to be transformative commentary on the original. No profit is being made from this work.
I, Draco Malfoy, am feeling very giddy. Today, I am going to propose to my girlfriend of two and a half years. There is just one problem.
She is already married to one Ronald Bilius Weasley, better known as the best friend and brother-in-law of one Harry Potter, the Savior of the Wizarding World. I am on my way to Potter's office right now to inform the other man of my plans, and to let him know exactly what his best friend's wife has been doing with her time lately.
Potter has an open-door policy, so I just stroll right in. He's at his desk, signing papers. Arrest warrants, most likely, since he is the head of the Auror Department. Shocker.
He looks up when he hears me enter. "Malfoy, good afternoon." He sets down the quill. "What can I help you with?"
I smirk. "I'll have you know, Potter, that I am here to help you."
"Is that so?" He asks, with a bit of amusement. I bet he won't be laughing for much longer.
"Yes, it is," I say. "For you are about to become the first person to hear the latest scandal to rock our tiny community, before even the Daily Prophet gets the scoop."
He scoffs. "Malfoy, I don't have time for gossip, if that's why you're in my office. So if you'll excuse me-"
I whip out my wand to shut the door and soundproof the office. Potter, of course, had his out the moment he saw me reach for mine. "Malfoy, what the f-"
"Granger and I have been fucking for two years."
His jaw drops. He closes his mouth. He blinks. And again. And a third time.
"What?"
"You heard me," I say. "I, Draco Malfoy, have been having hot, crazy, passionate sex with Hermione Granger, your best friend's wife, for two years."
"I see." Potter clears his throat. "And why are you telling me this, inside a locked office at that? I hope you know I have the legal authority to use whatever curse I choose, on whomever I choose, whenever I choose to do so."
"That may be, but Granger would kill you if anything ever happened to me."
"Please, Malfoy. If what you say is even true, I'm sure she'll get over it. Sex with you can't be that great."
"And what if I said it was more than just sex?"
He crosses his arms and leans back in his chair. "Prove it."
I pull the black velvet box out of my pocket and place it on his desk. His eyes grow as wide as Quaffles and his jaw drops. He immediately sits up in his chair. I have his full attention now.
"You're getting married?"
Well… Not exactly. "I haven't asked her yet," I respond. "I'm inviting her over for dinner at the Manor tonight, and I'm going to pop the question then. I just thought you'd like to be the one to break the news to Weasley, since he apparently he doesn't know that she and I do it in his house every Sunday."
"Hermione visits her parents every Sunday. And then Ron goes to visit his."
"I never said she didn't. She just apparates over there when I'm done with her, if she has the strength to go anywhere afterwards, that is."
He scoffs. "Okay, fine. The two of you have sex on Sundays, supposedly. That doesn't mean she'd want to marry you."
I laugh. "Sunday? That's not even the half of it, Potter. You know how she likes to go shopping all of the time? Alone? You don't really think Weasley can afford to foot the bill for how expensive Granger's taste has become, do you?"
"So? All that says is that Hermione doesn't like to shop at Madame Malkin's anymore. Your doing, probably."
"Actually, Madame Malkin banned us from the store after she caught us having sex in the dressing room."
He grimaces. "Okay, fine. Anything else?"
"Oh, there's so much more, Potter," I continue. Despite the fact that we've established a good working relationship over the years, I still enjoy watching him squirm from time to time. "One time we were in her office when he came to surprise her with candy and flowers, so I had to hide under her desk… Surely you know what happened next."
Potter blushes. "I don't want to know. That's just gross."
"Oh no, she tasted delicious, actually. The best part was how Weasley thought she was sick because she looked so feverish. I put in my best effort that day, but she absolutely did not moan for me. Not once. Imagine that."
"Yeah, imagine that."
Potter looks extremely uncomfortable by now. Perfect. "Of course, after he was gone, she practically overturned the desk in her haste to get to me. I just love when she's on top, especially in her work clothes. There's just something so enticing about it."
"Malfoy!"
"What?" I fake my best innocent look. "Have you ever had sex in the snow, Potter?"
"No…" He responds cautiously. I know he's afraid to ask why I want to know.
"Well I certainly don't recommend it. We did that once, in Weasley's front lawn. It was just a generally unpleasant experience."
He sighs. "Are you done?"
"Almost. Remember last year when she was late to his birthday party?"
He rests his face in his hands. "I'm going to assume there wasn't actually a problem at the bakery."
I chuckle. "There was no bakery. She lost track of time because we were… Preoccupied… So I had to have my house-elves whip up a cake for her."
"Oh no, Hermione, why?" He says more to himself than to me.
"Yep. I did her on his birthday." I snatch the ring back off of the desk and prepare to leave. "And now you, Potter, have the pleasant task of relaying all of that to your buddy Weasley when he wants to know why his wife left him to run off with a Malfoy. I have to say, I certainly don't envy you."
Whistling merrily, something I've never done in my life, I make my way to the Atrium and Floo back to the Manor. To my surprise, Granger is already there, waiting for me.
"You're early," I say.
"I missed you," she replies. "Where were you? You didn't go to work today."
"I was visiting with Potter, actually," I tell her.
"Harry? Why?"
Not in the mood to lie (and get caught later), I decide to just spoil my own surprise and present the ring to her. She gasps, and excitedly claps her hands like she always does when she's elated about something.
"Marry me, Granger."
She frowns. My stomach drops. She's about to say no, I'm sure of it. "Despite the fact that you just commanded me to marry you, and that you're not even on one knee like you're supposed to be if this were a proper proposal… Yes, Draco. I would love to marry you."
I pull her into my arms and give her my best smirk. "You want me on my knees, Granger? You got it."