Wizard Popstars!!!
Rita Skeeter brushes back a strand of hair and flashes the camera a smile. She holds the
microphone to her mouth and speaks.
"Welcome to Wizard Poptarts, the show where..."
"CUT!!!!!!! It's Popstars, not bloody Poptarts!" yells the director.
"Hey, we can't cut this...it's live" says the camera man. Rita shoots a foul look at the camera
and continues.
'Welcome to Wizard Popstars, the show where we take five boring and ordinary individuals from the
Wizarding world and transform them from gits to hits! Today we'll be visiting Hogsmeade, the
only town consisting of entirely magical people." She walks down the main street, where there is
a huge crowd and a stage with singing equipment on it. She walks onto the stage and signals for
quiet.
"Are you ready to sing?" she yells into the microphone. The crowd roars its approval.
"Are you ready to dance?" the roar continues even louder.
"And are you all ready to embarrass yourself in front of your friends, family and the entire
magical world?!!!" silence buzzes like an uncomfortable...buzzing thing...over the crowd. Rita
clears her throat and resumes speaking.
"Ahem. First of all I would like to introduce the judges. Mrs Narcissa Malfoy! Dedalus Diggle!
Mungdungus Fletcher! Aaaaaaaand...MOLLY WEASLEY! And, of course, the commentator, ME, Rita
Skeeter, acclaimed journalist of the famed Witch Weekly!" there is very little applause, but
Hermione is standing at the back of the crowd, holding a screw top bottle and grinning maniacally.
Rita sees her, pales, and hurriedly continues.
"Well, anyway, first we have Newt Scamander, author of 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to find them',
and budding solo artist. Welcome to the stage, Newt!" There are a few scattered claps, which
die away quickly. Newt steps up to the microphone and says...
"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"THAT"S QUITE ENOUGH MR SCAMANDER!" yells Rita over the noise. The judges give a thumbs down,
except for Dedalus who is humming merrily to the tune. Newt is flushing proudly, grinning to the
crowd, who still have their fingers in their ears in a valiant attempt to block out the cacophony.
"Moving on, next to the stage is Madame Rosmerta, Barmaid and Proprietor of the Three Broomsticks"
There is a much more enthusiastic appluase for Madame Rosmerta, and she bustles, red-faced, onto
the stage, adjusts her cleavage and opens her mouth.
"What shall we do wit' teh drunkin' sailer, wha' shall we doo wif der drunkne sailooooorrr..."
she slurs off key, obviously having overdosed on mead prior to the performance. Rita stares at
her tottering form and nudges her off the stage with her finger, a distasteful sneer on her face.
"Er, thank you, Rosie. We'll, er, get back to you."
THREE HOURS LATER...
"And that was Doris Crockford. Thank you so much for that stunning Madonna impersonation.
Audience, as you can tell, there is a distinct lack of talent here. In fact you lot are bloody
hopeless. So I beg you, if there is anyone who can actually sing, please, FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN
GET YOUR BUM UP HERE!!!" Rita is tearful as she screams this last sentence.
"I can sing." Says a husky male voice from the depths of the crowd. The sea of people parts as
a lone figure approaches a hopeful, albeit desperate Rita.
"Oh my god, it's SIRIUS BLACK!!!" says a terrified voice from the front row.
"Who gives a damn, so long as he can sing!!!" screams Rita. The crowd realises that Sirius
could end this torture of the ear drums and dies down. Sirius steps up to the microphone and
begins, in a low voice...
"Graffiti decorations, under a sky of dust. A constant wave of tension, has more than filled me
up. All the lessons that you taught me, I learned were never true. Now I find myself in question,
you point the finger at me again, guilty by association, they point the finger at me again..."
The crowd is hypnotised by his voice until the end of the song, and then bursts into riotous
applause for him. Rita is sobbing in ecstasy, still trying to talk into the microphone.
"That, that, that was Sirius Black, the first Wizard Popstar! He was once a convicted murdered,
but he's obviously innocent. By the way Sirius, can you tell us all who won Wizard Survivor?"
Sirius shakes his head.
"No, but if you read Alicey's story 'Wizard Survivor Show' you can find out!" He winks to the
camera. Rita smiles sweetly to draw the attention back to herself, and to give the cameras
something to film other than swooning teenage girls.
"Thank you for...enduring...this episode of Wizard Popstars. Next week, you can see us in Diagon
Alley as we once again search for the perfect group of people to form the first ever WIZARD
POPSTARS BAND!!!" The crowd applauds once again out of relief.
A/N:
Angelwriter- A BIG thank you to Alicey, who's Wizard Survivor inspired this ripoff of yet another
Australian reality show. It's so funny, you must read it!!! Also, the song Sirius sings is
'Runaway' by Linkin Park. Just in case you wondered.
Phoenixa- To Alicey: PLEEEEEEASE don't get shitty at us for using your story idea for our story.
To the rest of you: Read her fic. R&R please!!!
Rita Skeeter brushes back a strand of hair and flashes the camera a smile. She holds the
microphone to her mouth and speaks.
"Welcome to Wizard Poptarts, the show where..."
"CUT!!!!!!! It's Popstars, not bloody Poptarts!" yells the director.
"Hey, we can't cut this...it's live" says the camera man. Rita shoots a foul look at the camera
and continues.
'Welcome to Wizard Popstars, the show where we take five boring and ordinary individuals from the
Wizarding world and transform them from gits to hits! Today we'll be visiting Hogsmeade, the
only town consisting of entirely magical people." She walks down the main street, where there is
a huge crowd and a stage with singing equipment on it. She walks onto the stage and signals for
quiet.
"Are you ready to sing?" she yells into the microphone. The crowd roars its approval.
"Are you ready to dance?" the roar continues even louder.
"And are you all ready to embarrass yourself in front of your friends, family and the entire
magical world?!!!" silence buzzes like an uncomfortable...buzzing thing...over the crowd. Rita
clears her throat and resumes speaking.
"Ahem. First of all I would like to introduce the judges. Mrs Narcissa Malfoy! Dedalus Diggle!
Mungdungus Fletcher! Aaaaaaaand...MOLLY WEASLEY! And, of course, the commentator, ME, Rita
Skeeter, acclaimed journalist of the famed Witch Weekly!" there is very little applause, but
Hermione is standing at the back of the crowd, holding a screw top bottle and grinning maniacally.
Rita sees her, pales, and hurriedly continues.
"Well, anyway, first we have Newt Scamander, author of 'Fantastic Beasts and Where to find them',
and budding solo artist. Welcome to the stage, Newt!" There are a few scattered claps, which
die away quickly. Newt steps up to the microphone and says...
"AND IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAYS LOVE
YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"THAT"S QUITE ENOUGH MR SCAMANDER!" yells Rita over the noise. The judges give a thumbs down,
except for Dedalus who is humming merrily to the tune. Newt is flushing proudly, grinning to the
crowd, who still have their fingers in their ears in a valiant attempt to block out the cacophony.
"Moving on, next to the stage is Madame Rosmerta, Barmaid and Proprietor of the Three Broomsticks"
There is a much more enthusiastic appluase for Madame Rosmerta, and she bustles, red-faced, onto
the stage, adjusts her cleavage and opens her mouth.
"What shall we do wit' teh drunkin' sailer, wha' shall we doo wif der drunkne sailooooorrr..."
she slurs off key, obviously having overdosed on mead prior to the performance. Rita stares at
her tottering form and nudges her off the stage with her finger, a distasteful sneer on her face.
"Er, thank you, Rosie. We'll, er, get back to you."
THREE HOURS LATER...
"And that was Doris Crockford. Thank you so much for that stunning Madonna impersonation.
Audience, as you can tell, there is a distinct lack of talent here. In fact you lot are bloody
hopeless. So I beg you, if there is anyone who can actually sing, please, FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN
GET YOUR BUM UP HERE!!!" Rita is tearful as she screams this last sentence.
"I can sing." Says a husky male voice from the depths of the crowd. The sea of people parts as
a lone figure approaches a hopeful, albeit desperate Rita.
"Oh my god, it's SIRIUS BLACK!!!" says a terrified voice from the front row.
"Who gives a damn, so long as he can sing!!!" screams Rita. The crowd realises that Sirius
could end this torture of the ear drums and dies down. Sirius steps up to the microphone and
begins, in a low voice...
"Graffiti decorations, under a sky of dust. A constant wave of tension, has more than filled me
up. All the lessons that you taught me, I learned were never true. Now I find myself in question,
you point the finger at me again, guilty by association, they point the finger at me again..."
The crowd is hypnotised by his voice until the end of the song, and then bursts into riotous
applause for him. Rita is sobbing in ecstasy, still trying to talk into the microphone.
"That, that, that was Sirius Black, the first Wizard Popstar! He was once a convicted murdered,
but he's obviously innocent. By the way Sirius, can you tell us all who won Wizard Survivor?"
Sirius shakes his head.
"No, but if you read Alicey's story 'Wizard Survivor Show' you can find out!" He winks to the
camera. Rita smiles sweetly to draw the attention back to herself, and to give the cameras
something to film other than swooning teenage girls.
"Thank you for...enduring...this episode of Wizard Popstars. Next week, you can see us in Diagon
Alley as we once again search for the perfect group of people to form the first ever WIZARD
POPSTARS BAND!!!" The crowd applauds once again out of relief.
A/N:
Angelwriter- A BIG thank you to Alicey, who's Wizard Survivor inspired this ripoff of yet another
Australian reality show. It's so funny, you must read it!!! Also, the song Sirius sings is
'Runaway' by Linkin Park. Just in case you wondered.
Phoenixa- To Alicey: PLEEEEEEASE don't get shitty at us for using your story idea for our story.
To the rest of you: Read her fic. R&R please!!!