I Loved You More
The pain left me swiftly. I remember releasing Harry's hand, and falling back to the earth. I remember shuddering my last breath. My heart had stopped its broken pounding, but I, Severus Snape, was still alive.
I was waiting for her. Somehow, I knew she would come. She had to come.
I would wait for Lily.
I didn't bother reflecting on my life after her death; it was an empty vortex of despair and pain. I just focused on the bright light that filtered through the trees that we used to sit under. I focused on the fiery, vibrant red of her hair. I concentrated only on the spark of intelligence and empathy in her beautiful emerald eyes.
Lily.
And you swore you saw me laughing and I swore I saw you smile
I tried not to think about her choices. I tried not to think about her marriage to James Potter. But it was hard to tune out. I had never seen her look so beautiful, or so happy. I was envious to the point of pure nausea wishing that she would look at me with such adoration. I wished that she would walk towards me in that beautiful white dress.
She kissed me on that day. Her wedding day. A light, feathery touch of her lips upon mine. A parting gift. I never saw her up close again.
But I would now.
And this time we've spent together is meant to last us quite a while
I refuse to die without seeing her, without telling her how badly, how painfully I loved her.
Lily.
I killed her. I know I did. I remember thinking that if I couldn't have her, no one could. How stupid. Now, I just wished that she was out there, alive and breathing, and happy.
"Hey, Sev."
Her voice was so beautiful. It sounded like peace, like wind and like rain. All at once. I wished that I could drown in it.
As I take this piece of you with me I'll carry to my grave
"Lily," I whispered, even though my cold lips did not move.
I don't think I was even in my own body any more. I didn't know where I was. I didn't care.
"I forgive you, Sev," I heard her say. I was trying to locate her. Where was Lily?
"Will you stay with me?" I pleaded.
"Of course. No one should die alone."
"Did you?" I asked, hating myself for having to know.
"No, James was already..."
Knowing that for someone, you're an angel sent to save
I sighed. "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm so sorry."
Regret. I hated the feeling, but I was glad that I could feel for her so strongly. I was glad in my humanity.
"I know," she said calmly.
"Lily, where am I?"
Keep breathing, my angel
May I say I loved you more?
I could feel her smile, a tentative warming of my frozen heart. "You're in many places, Severus. You're wherever you want to be. For now."
"For now? Where will I go after?"
Lily was silent. I was beginning to panic. Where was she? I couldn't see her.
"Lily?"
"I'm here, Sev. I've always been here."
"Where will I go after?"
"I wouldn't know. I can't follow you. It's different for every person. A journey."
"Did you do it?"
Again, I felt her smile. "Yes. It was the most beautiful, wonderful thing."
"When do I have to go?"
"In a few moments. But not just yet. Time is different here. Your spirit is still accustoming itself to this place."
If you go down, I go with you
Keep breathing, just keep breathing
"Lily, I can't see you."
"Oh? Sorry."
There was a flash of brilliant white light that seemed to strike at every fibre of my being. I tried to throw a hand over my face, but I couldn't figure out if I was still in a body. Through the blinding light, I was beginning to see a familiar figure.
Her red hair was long and fell in waves over her shoulders. Her almond-shaped green eyes sparkled with... life. On her small body hung a white dress. Not a wedding robe this time, but a sleek silk gown that flowed delicately over every curve and clung to her slim shoulders. She looked sixteen again. She was exactly as I remembered her at school. I wondered if I looked that age to her.
"Lily..." I breathed.
"You have to go now, Severus," she said softly. Her voice seemed to be strangely colourful. Like this place. Hidden colours, colours I couldn't see, but I knew were there.
Let's drink to memories we shared
"You could have chosen me, Lily..."
She smiled softly. "It wasn't a choice, Severus. It wouldn't have been love if I had chosen you. It would only have led to pain."
It hurt to hear her say it. And I didn't believe a word. We would have been perfect.
"Don't let me leave. I want to stay here, with you."
Again she smiled. "I don't have much strength left, Sev."
Down one to all the hopes and cares
"What? What are you talking about?"
"I've held myself here, waiting for you. I couldn't abandon you. I had to wait."
"But, what about Potter?"
Her smile grew ever brighter. "He's waiting just beyond. He knew I had to do this."
She had been waiting here, in this meaningless swirl of eternal death for seventeen years; just so I wouldn't die alone.
Lily loved me.
Not the way I wanted, but she loved me.
Here's two for being unaware that you're gone
"You have to go, Sev," she whispered, stepping closer.
"We're still best friends, right?" I asked, remembering the question I had posed to her all those years ago.
"Of course. Always. Forever."
Those words seemed to have a deeper meaning now. Now that they were about to become real, not just literary tools.
The light began to fade and she began to fade with it. No. Lily. Don't leave. But she had to. I knew that.
I flailed wildly, trying to hold myself here, but I could feel the pull, the gravitational force that was drawing me away from her.
"Lily!" I cried, as she disappeared completely.
"I love you, Severus," she called, but her voice was so faint. I could barely hear it.
"I'm so sorry, Lily. Goodbye..."
Because before too long you'll be a memory
AN: A little teary. This is my take on Severus' death. I can't seem to steer away from the angsty ones, huh? Violent...Saturnia... and now this. Oh well. Play to your strengths is what my dad says. Pretty sure he was talking about football though...
The song in this story was One Man Drinking Games by Mayday Parade.
And you swore you saw me laughing and I swore I saw you smile
And this time we've spent together is meant to last us quite a while
As I take this piece of you with me I'll carry to my grave
Knowing that for someone you're an angel sent to save
Keep breathing, my angel
May I say I loved you more?
If you go down, I go with you
Keep breathing, just keep breathing
Let's drink to memories we shared
Down one to all the hopes and cares
Here's two for being unaware that you're gone
Because before too long you'll be a memory
It's a beautiful song, eh? It seemed to fit the story.
Let me know what you think of the flow of the story. I was trying to make it sound really choppy and broken and scattered, like his thoughts and emotions would be. Did it work? Was it annoying? Did you like it? Tell me people.
Thanks for reading and please, please review! *apologies for the heinously long authors note*
xx