A/N: Funny story. This fic is actually a fanfic of a fanfic. Don't worry, you don't have to have read it to understand my story but I strongly suggest you read it anyway. LuvaGoodMrE's Funny That Way is probably the funniest story I have read yet. I have read it four times and die laughing every time.
Because the story isn't completely mine, I have been deliberately vague about Astrid's home life (siblings, ages of cousins, ect) so that it conflicts as little with FTW. As of now only up to chapter 25 has been published and I have tried to keep it as in line with her work as possible but some things are bound to conflict. After all, in FTW Astrid hasn't even been born yet.
Disclaimer: if this is a fanfic of a fanfic do you really think I own it?
Summary: I know I should feel at least partially responsible for what happened to Cody but I didn't. I gave him the rope but he tied the noose. After all, cheating on the demigoddess of mischief isn't exactly the smartest move (not that he knew about that, of course).
I really should have known it would never work. Some people are just not destined for a 'normal' life no matter how hard they try. And boy did I try. Instead of picking one of those big league schools that would have accepted me on my name alone, I opted for a more public college in the south east. I registered under my mother's maiden name and I even signed up for a dorm room complete with a roommate. Yet somehow my life wondered into the unsteady realm of crazy well before Christmas break.
My first mistake was to apply for the same school as Astrid. Don't get me wrong, I had never imagined college without my own personal demigoddess of mischief beside me, but she was hardly the person most conductive to have around if you were trying for normal.
My second was to not ask for one of those single rooms.
I knew Cody Roe was going to cause problems for me the moment I met him. He was here on a football scholarship and he looked the part. He was a big hulking guy that—and I'll never tell Astrid this, not even under pain of death—reminded me a bit of Thor without the innate sense of honor or any of the brains. And I'm not even kidding; it was that bad.
"Howie Potts." I stuck out my hand in introduction, ignoring the sinking feeling in my gut that I could not name. He returned the handshake and I was sure he was going to break a few bones as he took it. After he introduced himself he wasted no time in showing his true colors.
"So, is this dorm co-ed?"
So that's what the sinking feeling was: he reminded me too much of my father and I had only known him a few seconds. Not that that was necessarily a bad thing. I love my dad, but there are a few key differences in our dispositions that made us seeing eye to eye a little difficult most of the time.
I don't think he quite understands why I'm more interested in chasing the hottest technology instead of the hottest skirts or wildest parties; he after all could do it all at my age. But I guess a lifetime of people trying to get close to me because my family is rich or because my dad's Ironman (or both) will kind of limit anyone's interest in social situations, and the more than a handful of attempted and completed kidnappings will turn anybody into a bit of a home body.
"Yeah," I said with a little laugh that Cody would never know was at his expense before continuing. "The building is co-ed but it's separated by floor. Girls are on the first and fourth."
"First and fourth it is," he said as he turned to the door.
"Aren't you going to unpack first?" I asked.
"Oh, right."
I laid on my bed with a book opened in front of me as I watched him unpack and couldn't help but think he had brought entirely too much stuff (and considering my closet at home is bigger than the dorm room—well that's saying something). My side of the room had already been set up by the time he got there—I had been sure to arrive a little earlier than most so mom could do the whole emotional goodbye bit without everyone gawking at us—and everything was neatly confined to my half of the room while his looked like a tornado hit it. And it gave no indication of getting any neater.
His stuff was all the classic jock shit… at least until he got to the used giftwrapping tubes that held his posters.
Cody plastering the walls in sports posters I could have handled—hell, it was expected—but what almost did me in was when he tacked up the huge full-color posters of the original Avenger team complete with heroic poses. I kid you not. So now the walls were covered in the faces of Captain America, Thor, Ironman, Hawkeye, Black widow, and The Hulk.
The vary people that embodied the crazy life I was trying to get away from were going to be staring me every moment of the day.
I bit my tongue to keep from laughing out loud—although if it was at fate's twisted sense of irony or at the fact that my roommate was a big fan of retro superheroes, I couldn't say.
"I'm going to get dinner; I'll be back in a bit." I said closing my book. Perhaps it would have been a bit more polite to invite him with me but looking back on it I'm glad I didn't. But we'll get to that in a moment.
Astrid's dark curls were unmistakable in the in the mist of the small crowd trying to get into the dining hall. I pushed my way forward—to much protest—and tapped her on the shoulder.
"Yo, Smurfette!" I was one of the only people in the world who she let call her that and so I milked it for all its worth, besides anything would be better than being named Astrid. What a horribly old fashioned name.
She eyes me in that piercing way that had me wondering if she had read my mind while I was making fun of her name. She nodded slowly, her eyes never moving from mine. I gave her a tense little smile, almost as if to say 'I'm innocent, please don't hurt me.' She snorted. "You're one to talk Howard."
Touché.
"So have you met your roommate yet?" She asked not even bothering to hide the distaste in her voice. Astrid didn't understand my desire to be normal, my desire to conform to the life I had proscribed myself. She was one of those rare creatures that could have the entire world running in horror or bowing at her feet and she wouldn't change. But that was her.
"Yes I have," I said perhaps a little more annoyed than necessary. Of course she picked up on that instantly. One dark eyebrow rose but I didn't even ask. Sometimes it's best not to know with her, plausible deniability and all that.
"What do you think of him?" she asked, studying the selection of fruit.
"I don't know we just met!"
She looked me in the eye and I almost wished—just once—that I could see her thoughts. "Opinions are formed in the first few seconds of a relationship, and I think it's safe to assume that you have known him for at least that long."
"My first impression?" I said thinking on the subject for a moment, "We should get along fine. I mean I don't think we'll ever be friends but I don't see any problems with us living together."
"Well if problems do arise, you could always move into my apartment. I got a two bedroom for a reason," she threw out offhandedly. But with Astrid nothing was ever truly offhanded. She was up to something.
"Astrid, I'm flattered. I had no idea you felt that way about me."
"It's so I can keep an eye on you," she said, her words as blunt as Mjolnir.
That was the one thing about her that drove me up the wall. She could be so condescending to me sometimes. I mean she wasn't that much older than me and yet she treated me like a child sometimes. She didn't even treat her cousins—all of which were younger than we are—as if they needed her to act as a nursemaid/bodyguard. But I guess it wasn't about age. Not to her.
"You know just because I don't have super-magic-goddess powers like somebody," I hissed, my head just an inch from hers, "doesn't mean I'm helpless."
She gave me one of her patented 'oh really?' looks.
"Well, not completely," I conceded after remember all the times she had saved my ass. Maybe she would let the matter go if I coped to being the one permanently cast in the damsel in distress role.
Her expression didn't change but she said nothing more about it. And that should have been the first clue but at the time I thought nothing of it.
"Come on Gingy, let's find a set," she said rumpling my hair as she led us to the most deserted corner of the room.
"Is that all you're going to eat?" I asked looking at the single apple in her hand.
She made eye contact with the upperclassmen a few tables down before biting into the fruit provocatively, the red of apple providing a prefect contrast to the porcelain of her skin. I rolled my eyes. I don't know why she bothered messing with them—it wasn't like she was actually going to date any of them or anything, her standards were impossibly high. But I guess that sort of comes with the whole princess territory.
"Oh… you never know. College is supposed to be the time for experimentation," she said, answering my thoughts. I didn't really mind her being in my head; it was a habit she started early in grade school so I had sort of grown up with it. If I asked she would stop but I had nothing to hide. I did, ,hate it when she used it to change the subject like she was doing now, however.
Now it was her turn to roll her eyes.
"Let me break this down for you…again," she said slightly irritable, "I have a colder body temperature than humans. Colder body temperature means my body requires fewer calories to survive… unlike some people apparently."
Her eyes lingered on my plate in mock accusation.
"Don't judge me," I said as I pulling my tray closer as if to protect it from her eyes, "I'm a growing boy."
"Yes, but one must wonder if you are growing vertically or horizontally."
I pretended to consider this before answering. I should have known she wouldn't let me off that easily, I had just started to grow out of my beanstalk phase and she wasn't going to let that one go so soon.
"It depends on if I'm standing or lying down at the time." She laughed and we got up to dump our trays. Or rather I got up to dump my tray and her apple core while she kept me company in line.
"So, do I get to meet him?" she asked as we walked out the door and started to head towards the building I lived in.
"Not yet. I kind of figured I'd give him at least a week to settle in before I introduce him to all the crazies."
"That's generous of you," she said softly, leaving me to wonder if I had said something wrong.
"I'm a generous sort of guy. So what do you have planned for this weekend?" I asked, changing the subject while I still could.
"I was thinking about finding the biggest frat party on campus and going." I knew better. She didn't party…at least not the way frat kids did. Her idea of a good time usually involved someone else's humiliation.
"If only so you can turn all the beer to piss?"
"You know me well." She said as we reached the door to my dorm. I turned to say goodbye but she had already disappeared. Fucking magic. I mean really, did she have to keep rubbing her abilities in my face? What was I saying? This is Astrid; of course she did.
I pulled my keys out of my pocket and had it halfway in the lock before I noticed the single dirty tube sock tied around the handle. Even though this was my first week at college, I had seen enough movies to know what that meant.
"Really? What the fuck?" I asked to no one in particular. He had barely been her more than an hour and already I was locked out of my room as he got nookie. This was just too messed up but I guess that's what I get for wanting normalcy.
The guy trying to get into 118 snickered as he unlocked his own door. I rubbed my temples trying to stave off the massive headache I knew was inevitable.
Not wanting to brave catching my roommate in a compromising position, I turned around and started walking back down the hall. The prick could have at least given me a chance to get my computer. At least the library was open late.
After a week of the same routine, I was resolved to get into the room no matter what was happening on the other side of the door. I figured nothing they could be doing would scare me worse than that time I walked in on Astrid's parents—no! Not going there. I shuddered at the memory. Unfortunately, some things can never be unseen.
As I got closer and closer to the door I realized something odd: for the first time since Cody had moved in it was left wide open to the world; I figured either he and his flavor of the day had moved on to exhibitionism or he was more conventionally occupied today. A peal of familiar, tinkling laughter made me wish it was the former. That would have been safer.
Even to this day I can't say why I was so adamant about those two never meeting; perhaps I was afraid Astrid would do something to shatter that fragile thread of normalcy I was so desperately clinging to or maybe I knew that when those two egos clashed there could be nothing but destruction. Either way I was right in the end.
"So who's your favorite?" Cody asked but I didn't even have time to ponder what the question was before Astrid answered.
"Loki."
"Loki? As in the villain who tried to enslave the entire world and forced the Avengers to form in the first place? Why would he be your favorite?" he sounded equal parts incredulous and curious and small part of me wondered if this was the deepest conversation he had ever had with another living soul. A bigger part of me wanted to smack him for being so stupid. Aster could be both amazingly fickle and beautifully dangerous when insulted. Unless you knew her—and I mean really knew her—it was impossible to tell if she would just let something go, and if she decided not to it could get ugly.
"He fights with his mind rather than brute force. Can you say that about any of the others?" I breathed a sigh of relief. Her voice held none of the pinpricks of danger that was the only warning sign before she pounced. In fact, she sounded like a normal teenage girl talking about …well, talking about their favorite superhero.
"But he's not even an Avenger!" Cody said.
"He has been known to help on occasion," the very rare occasion, "and that's more than I can say for some of the people who claim to be part of the Avenger Initiative. What do you think, Gingy?" she asked, acknowledging me for the first time.
The mischievous twinkle in her eye was inviting me to play and, as much as it could push everything I was working towards to the edge of the preverbal cliff, I wanted to play. After all, inside jokes weren't near as fun if everyone around you was in on it.
But I had asked her for a week before the two halves of my life came crashing together like runaway trains. Couldn't she have at least given me that? She rolled her eyes at my thoughts and briefly glanced at the calendar on the wall by my alarm clock. My eyes followed suit and I saw what she was trying to tell me. It had been one week—scratch that—it had been exactly one week and five minutes since I had asked. Cute.
"Gingy?" Cody asked with a laugh.
"She's the only one who can call me that. Try it and die." I knew my voice was harsher than he had ever heard it, but I didn't care. Those few who could call me that meant it as a term of endearment; Cody would use it just to be an ass.
"If I had to pick one I'd have to say Ironman. After all he doesn't have powers just a clever mind. Who did you say?" I asked Cody.
"Thor."
He looked at me funny when I started laughing uncontrollably. And honestly I didn't blame him. He didn't get it; but wasn't that the point? Isn't that why all this was so fucking funny? No wonder Aster hadn't ripped his head off yet. His cluelessness made it all the better.
"Why? Because he can bring getting hammered to an art form?"
Astor had to put her hand over her mouth to stop form laughing despite, or perhaps because of, my horrible pun. We were having too much fun with this. The poor prick had no idea that we knew the truth. It was almost impossible for the god of thunder get drunk on any of the weak liquor we had on earth. Trust me, I was there the time my dad challenged him, Steve, and Loki to a drinking contest. Needless to say, despite my dad's renown as a party animal, he was flat on his ass before the others even got tipsy.
"Well boys I hate to do this but I got to go. I have an ass load of homework and my parents would flip if I fall behind on the first week." She said before walking out the door. I fought the urge to call her out on it. Lies. Lies…every word of it. Knowing her it was already done (one of the upsides to being able to be in more than one place at a time) and her parents didn't put as much stock in this part of her education as most other parents would. Everyone knew that to her this was more an excuse to stretch her legs a little rather than learn anything.
"Where have you been keeping that fox?" he asked when he was sure she was out of ear shot… at least she would be if she was human. Chances were she was still lingering invisible somewhere.
"In the laundry room. Why do you think the last dryer on the right doesn't work? She had to have someplace to sleep."
It took him a second to tell that I was joking.
"Damn. If I was around that every day I really would keep it locked up." I couldn't help the twitch of disgust that came over my face but he didn't notice; his mind was far too deep in his fantasies of Astrid while I was far too deep in my own fantasies of what his face would look like after it met my fist a few times.
"So are you two like together or something?" he asked.
It took me a second to absorb what he had asked. Me and Astrid…like that? A couple? Oh hell no. I know better than to be that masochistic.
"No, we were practically raised together. She's like my sister." In hindsight I should have just said that yes. It would have made everything so much simpler in the end but when it comes to recognizing those subtle instances when a little white lie can make all the difference down the line, I'm as clueless as Thor. Oaky, maybe not that bad…but yeah, I'm still pretty bad.
"So she's fair game?" I was shocked. That's what he was after? A way to add Astrid to the many notches in his bedpost or however the hell he counts his conquests?
"Cody, for you own good don't try it."
"Why? Is she a fag, because I've been known to straighten them out a time or two?" I could not believe my ears at the shear ignorance of this ass hole. This kind of arrogant dick was the kind of person Astrid ate for breakfast—and not in the way he wanted. If he wasn't careful he was going to draw a gigantic bull's eye on his back and Smurfette is a great shot.
If there is a hell, than I know I'm going there for what I did next. Just let me say this now: I am not usually this manipulative. I do not make a habit of offering jerk-asses up to my best friend like some sort of pagan sacrifice to a vengeful goddess (or in this case demigoddess) but when you're angry things tend to happen and it's not like he didn't deserve it. In the end I may have been the one to push him in front of a firing squad but he was the one to yell 'fire!'
I took a deep breath before answering his question.
"Astrid is the first born girl in a family of a lot of boys, so she's sort of the family's princess. And she has a lot of uncles that can be quite intimidating when they want to be. She hasn't had much experience with dating boys." None of it was a lie—I swear. I just made it sound like all that stuff wasn't her choice. Like I said before, being a princess has made her real picky when it comes to who she spends her time with.
That's probably why I didn't feel it was necessary to stop him from making a fool of himself; Astrid had little interest in dating a human and even less in dating a stupid one. I was sure she would turn him down and he would go on to pray on the other sheltered co-eds in the dorm and beyond.
"Uncles, huh? I think I can take them." Cody's arm tightened a fraction, and I knew he had just managed to stop himself from flexing his arm.
I didn't even bother to answer him as my eyes wondered to those of his posters, my eyes lingering on the uncharacteristically stern face of Captain America. I knew for a fact that he couldn't take them. At least not and survive the ordeal, because if it ever came down to it this is one mission Loki would gladly help on…and then there would never be a body to find.
Perhaps that's why I was so surprised when Astrid agreed to go out with him. As long as I had known her, she had been defined by her unpredictability and yet I was sure this was the one area I could predict her in. Maybe that's why she did it: to undermined my expectations. Or maybe there was some other end game. Maybe she really was using this time to branch out. Hell if I know.
"Astrid," I said grabbing her arm in concern as she was getting ready to walk (or puff) out the door of her apartment for their first date, "he's a player."
She looked me square in the eyes and said with absolute certainty, "He can't play me." I wondered if there was an unspoken 'because I'm playing him' behind that but I didn't say anything.
"Well, have a good time." She just waved before puffing out.
I didn't say anything more about it. Don't think that makes ma a bad friend—it doesn't. She would just resent me butting in. Astrid can take care of herself more than I ever could. Hello, supper-magic-goddess powers remember? Pretending any different would just demean her formidable abilities.
I just had to trust that she knew what she was doing. But the only thing I knew about all this was that, if all it ended how I feared it would, I would have no choice but to use the fake ID my dad had slipped to me when my mom wasn't looking. After all if drinking makes him feel better, than it should work for me, right?
It took just a few days shy of a month for the shit to hit the fan so hard I don't think the smell will ever come out of the carpet.
The thing about college is that even if you don't have the same classes and the same teachers, it is still possible to have the same assignments. That's what happened to us—we both had some generic essay on Shakespeare due, so naturally we decided to do it together. After lunch we walked over to my dorm to get what I would need for the essay.
The door was locked but there was no sign that it was currently a no fly zone, so I figured Cody was just at class or practice or something. Nope.
He was currently doing some vary naughty things in MY bed with a flexible little brunet. I didn't even bother with indignation over having to burn my sheets; I had more important things to do right now like stop a double homicide.
They stopped when the door opened and stared at us, him with a deer in the headlights look that would put Bambi to shame and her with an embarrassment that her face would have blended in with Thor's cape.
"Oh my god Cody, you didn't tell me your roommate would be coming back so soon."
I recognized the voice. Natalie from 416 was a nice kid—you know, one of those whose parents keep on a tight leash growing up so when they get away they go a little crazy. Despite her antics I had always liked her. At least until now. But I guess catching her under my best friend's boyfriend will do that.
Cody rolled off of the girl (luckily the comforter kept everything covered) and sat with his back against the wall trying not to squirm under Astrid's stare. He was failing miserably. Not that I blamed him; even I was feeling uncomfortable but maybe that was because I knew how to read Astrid.
And boy was my spidy-sense tingling. This wasn't the swift anger that often preceded her rare acts of mercy; this was the start of a cold burning hatred that could only end in pain and humiliation for those who wronged her.
"He didn't know," she said as if she were doing nothing more than commenting on the weather.
"Oh…" Natalie whispered as she pulled the comforter closer to her chest.
"I suppose he forgot to tell you he has a girlfriend." Astrid said softly.
There was a heart stopping beat of silence as I prayed to whatever power was listening that Natalie wouldn't go all 'no-bitch-he's-mine' like the movies. For her own sake.
"Girlfriend? Since when?" There was no accusation in her voice, only confusion and a healthy dose of shame and hurt. She understood that Astrid was talking about herself when she said girlfriend. Smart girl.
"One month." Astrid's voice hadn't changed and I knew she was as curious as I was as to what Natalie's next move would be.
The girl's face hardened before she did something that probably saved her from Astrid's wrath.
The punch was a thing of beauty, and considering how many I've seen in my life that's saying something. Fast as a viper and strong as a rock her fist hit Cody's nose with a precision that would have made Clint green with envy.
"What the fuck?" he gargled through the blood but Natalie didn't answer. She uncovered herself and showed no more embarrassment than a slight flush to her face as she grabbed the nearest bathrobe (mine) and pulled it around her.
She walked right up to us and said in a voice that matched the conversational tone Astrid had used to inform her of Cody's indiscretions, "He told me three weeks ago that he was single."
She walked out strait-backed and determined to keep her pride intact. Under different circumstances, she and Astrid would have gotten along really well.
Astrid stared at Cody, her eyes boring into him as she waited to hear what kind of half assed excuse he was going to try and come up with. As I watched her I noticed something a little off about her expression: there was none of the pain of a jilted lover. Just pure anger.
"This is your fault. I wouldn't have had to step out if you would have just put out." Oh shit…oh shit…oh shit! He did not just say that!
I grabbed Astrid's shoulder and tried to drag her out of the room—not that it would have worked but still I had to try. To my everlasting amazement she followed with no fuss. I didn't even think about grabbing the stuff I needed for the essay—fuck it; I could bribe the professor if it came to that. Astrid was more important.
"Why did you stop me?" although the words were a question, the tone was an accusation.
"Because I don't want to have to pretend to grieve for the rest of the year when that asshole dies in some horribly creative freak accident…even if it's more than he deserves."
She said nothing as we walked down the hall. I knew I should probably have left it alone, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I had to ask her.
"So, are you going to sic the uncles on him?" She wasn't going to take this laying down and all she would have to do is mention what that asshole pulled to have every one of the original Avengers ready to rip his head (and other assorted body parts) off with their bare hands.
"They're his heroes. It would be more than he deserves."
True.
"So your dad then?" If the Avengers were willing to get their hands dirty over something like this, than you sure as hell know Loki would be. He would be willing to fight all the others for the kill, and with Loki at the knife Cody's death would not be swift no matter how much he begged.
"Death would be too good for him. I'll handle it. I just need a little time to devise a befitting punishment."
And nothing she could think of now was good enough? Maybe it would have been kinder to let her kill him.
She puffed us over to her apartment and I went straight to her collection of movies while she went to raid the fridge. Maybe if I could find a really funny one I could get her mind off the disaster for long enough for her anger to calm down a bit. Oaky, that probably wouldn't happen but I had to try, right?
"How about Dogma?' I asked holding up the case. Her head snapped up from behind the fridge door and suddenly she was right in front of me—she hadn't even bothered to shut the fridge behind her.
She took the case from me and studied it for a moment. She couldn't have been reading the synopsis—I know for a fact she had already seen it—but I didn't bother to ask. Most of the times trying to figure out what was going on beneath her dark curls was like trying to catch rain in a butterfly net: completely pointless and you just looked stupid if you tried.
Astrid grabbed my hand and without warning I found myself in my parent's living room still holding the movie. I was beginning to feel a bit like one of those security blankets that get dragged around by toddlers—only there to make the person feel better but have no real impute on the relationship.
Dad with sitting with Loki playing a game of what Darcy liked to call wizard's chess. The description wasn't far off but that's not the point. The point is that Astrid didn't bring us here to talk to my dad (which is a little counter intuitive considering that she had brought us to MY house).
Loki looked up from the board. "Astrid, I trust your endeavor to further your education has been enlightening."
"In more ways than one, daddy. I need your help with a spell."
"Oh, which one?" he asked and Astrid replied with a Norse word I couldn't even pronounce let alone spell out here. Loki's eyebrow shot up in surprise.
"Why reason would you have to require that enchantment?"
"Well…" she couldn't avoid telling the story and by the time she had gotten even half way through both her dad and mine looked ready to pounce.
"Now daddy," she said, crossing her arms, "I want to handle this myself and I already have his punishment picked out."
"What do you have planned for that little prick?" my dad asked. Astrid just gave a Cheshire cat grin before explaining. With each word I became equal parts more horrified and impressed. I think even Loki looked like he was going to die with mirth, which meant this was not going to end well for Cody.
"Remind me never to piss you off," I muttered.
She smiled and ruffled my hair. "Don't worry Gingy, nothing I do to you would ever be permanent."
"That's reassuring." I was only half sarcastic.
"Oh my god, you have to get that on video." My dad said going over to his desk and pulling a small device out before tossing it to her. It was one of his more high tech hand-held cameras.
This was going to be epic and the best part was that my hands were clean. The only thing I had done was give Cody the rope to hang himself. He's the one who tied the noose.
"Of course. What's the point of revenge if you can't even savor it?"
And savor it she did.
The video went viral that Saturday and by Sunday everyone enrolled in our particular school had seen it—there would be no discreet cover up or graceful withdraws. Of course me hacking into the registers office and using their email accounts to send it out as an important message about fanatical aid might have sped things along a bit.
They would never know who did it. Well, Cody would but no one could prove it even if they did believe him. Astrid and I spent much of the day in my room just watching the hit count clime. It was everywhere and, with a little help from my hacking and Smurfette's magic it not even the site administrators could take it down.
The video started out as just a bunch of post-shower football players in the locker room. Almost all of them were clad in nothing but a towel, including our victim. Nothing seemed out of place until Cody undid the towel to get dressed.
He didn't notice at first not until one of the other guys started screaming. His ass crack was gone. I kid you not; his hind end was smooth as a marble. Cody turned around to ask his teammates what they were screaming about and the camera got a full frontal.
The parts of him that he had gotten so much usage out of had disappeared— he was as anatomically correct as a Ken doll. I'm talking Alan Rickman as an angel kind of correctness and now the whole world new it.
Cody burst into the room after the hit count had just reached one million (not that he knew that, of course). He looked unkempt, as if he had had a bad night and his eyes were blazing with pure, unadulterated loathing.
"You!" he hissed.
To this day I don't understand why he went after me. Did he really think I could do all this? That Astrid would sit back and let me have her revenge?
I guess it doesn't matter why he attacked, Astrid didn't let him get anywhere near me. It was like she was my own personal guard dog—I mean guardian angel. I could tell by the look on her face that she was reading my mind again.
Cody was frozen mid lunge. His eyes could move so I knew he could see and hear everything that was going on but he didn't understand. That's okay; Astrid was going to make him understand who exactly it was that had doled out his karmic retribution.
"No. Me." Astrid corrected, "Now sit."
With a snap of her fingers Cody appeared sitting on the edge of the bed with his hands folded neatly in his lap like a child being scolded. I could see the fear in his eyes and a bit of sympathy went out to him; I knew as well as anyone that Astrid was going to make him suffer. But that sympathy did not affect my loyalties—I always had too much fun being on her side for me to even consider interfering on his behalf, at least not when we were already ass deep in mischief.
"Was your fun worth the price?" she asked resting her head in her palm. His eyes made it clear he was trying to say something but his lips would not move. Astrid laughed once.
"You don't get it do you?" she continued before dragging me into the fun, "How much should we tell him, Howie? How much do you think he needs to know?'
"This is your show Astrid, that's up to you. It doesn't matter to me either way. You have all the power her; he's not going to tell anyone," I tilted my chair back on its back legs and put my hands behind my head. Whatever she did it was going to be interesting.
Astrid stood up and walked around the room, pausing in front of each Avenger poster in turn.
"You worship these men but do you act as they would?" she asked and listened to his thoughts. She didn't share the exact wording with me but I knew she would get the message to me somehow.
"One would think and yet Tony Stark has been in a devoted relationship for nearly twenty years. It is obvious now that you admire these men only for the power and fame they wield. It's a pity. Had you but played nicely you very well could have met them."
Cory's surprise and confusion was evident in his eyes and I knew that with Astrid's next words my every chance at normalcy would be shot to pieces. But oddly that didn't bother me as much as I thought it would—she was having too much fun with this for me to want to reel her in. As if I even could.
"Howard over there could have had his pick of colleges—Harvard, Yale, Stanford—and yet he chose to come here. Any guesses why? No? It's because he wanted to pave his way in this world based on his own merits rather than his last name."
"You buffoon. Potts is his mother's maiden name; his father's name is Stark."
Cory would have pissed himself in shock—if he could have pissed at all that is. I could see it on his face. He didn't believe that this stringy, ginger haired homebody could be related to one of his heroes. I wasn't… enough anything to measure up. But I just kept smiling at him. His opinion didn't matter; the opinions of people like that would never truly matter to me. In fact, there was only one opinion in this room that held any sort of sway.
"My uncle would have wanted to smash your face in if he heard of what had happened." She motioned over her shoulder to the picture of Thor. Recognition clicked into place as he put the pieces together.
Astrid crossed the room until she was just a fraction of an inch form his face. Whatever he was thinking had pissed her off.
"Monster?" she hissed, "only half." She dropped her glamor and showed herself in all her cold, blue glory. Cody looked like she could have shit himself as she blew a puff of cold air—visible despite the September heat—into his face in an odd prodigy of a Dentyne commercial.
"My dad would have killed you if I had let him—hell, all my uncles would have joined him—but I said I would handle your punishment. I went easier on you then I should. I even made sure my spell didn't interfere with you basic biological functions. Having your body shut itself down because it is unable to get rid of waste is a painful way to die. But I was merciful.
"Here's how this is going to work: Howie is going to move in with me—"
"I am?" I asked. This was the first I heard of it… well besides an offer a month ago.
"Don't you think the situation is a little beyond salvaging any other way?" she said, her red eyes boring into mine from over her shoulder.
I considered it then shrugged. She had a point; things would be a little awkward around here otherwise.
"And when we leave I'll lift today's spell form you and you will be allowed freedom of movement. If you are able to keep your mouth shut about what we have said and shown you then perhaps one day I will remember to lift the other spell, but if you breathe one word of this to anyone—trust me, I will know—you will spend the rest of your miserable life without the use of your nether regions. Sound fair?"
His eyes said no but his mouth didn't move—it couldn't.
"I don't care," she said.
With a snap of her fingers we found ourselves in the spare room—well, I guess it was my room now—of her apartment. My things had already been brought over and put up exactly as I liked it.
As I stood there in the middle of the room, my mind started turning like the cogs in a rusty machine. Within seconds a strange notion had taken root in my imagination.
"Astrid," I called and she turned from the doorway to face me, "this was your endgame all along wasn't it? To get me here. To show me that I could never be normal." It would all make sense: her going out with Cody. There was only one way that could have ended. Surprisingly I wasn't mad. Not exactly; I just mourned the lost illusion.
She just walked out the door without answering and something told me that I would never truly know the truth. But maybe that wasn't a bad thing. The one truth I did know was that I won't trade my capricious goddess for anything.