Hello! You should all know me 'cause I'm super kewl and totally not fat. As you all know I have three "friends" - Hippie, Poor Kid, and Jew-rat
Anyway, it all started waiting for the bus in January...
"So Stan, what should I do for my eighteenth birthday?" Kyle asked, playing with the drawstrings on his sweatshirt.
"Go fuck Stan!" I snickered. "You know he wants it."
Stan and Kahl blushed... NO WAY! STAN AND KAHL NONONONONO!
I'm totally not gay for Kahl so don't assume nothing.
"SHUT UP, FATASS!" the Ginger, Jersey, Jew exclaimed.
"Make me, Jew-rat!" I retorted.
"Hold it guys! We just got here!" the hippie intervened. I just stood there, staring into open space until we finally got on the bus.
Stan and Kahl... I frowned at the thought
"Cartman?" said the Jew as we exited the bus.
"What, Kahl? I'm busy here." I answered, irritably.
"With what...?" He punched me in the arm.
"Ow but Kahl..." I whined it in the way that got under his skin.
That, of course, was weeks ago... That's how it all started.
- Six weeks later-
Kahl stared at me with his emerald eyes.
"Yes, Kahl?" I said sounding sweet. His face was flushed with anger now.
"My name is not Kahl, it is KYLE, YOU FAT FUCK!"
"Christ, who got sand in your vagina... Kyeel?"
"FATASS, STOP EXAGGERATING MY NAME!"
"Then shut up, you Jew-rat!"
"DON'T BELITTLE MY PEOPLE, YOU FAT FUCK!"
"AY DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU FUCKIN JEW!" I slammed my fist in his stomach like usual... Kahl went for mah jaw. "You little ungrateful piece of shit..." I said, glaring at him. "You have it all."
"What?" he said all innocent like the sneaky Jew he is. A tear slid down my face as I slammed my locker shut and ran off into the forest outside of South Park High. Crying in front of Kahl? Bad choice.
Lemme get this straight. YOU SHALL RESPECT MAH GODDAMNED AUTHORITAH! I will tell you mah biggest secret... I love Kahl. YES, I KNOW - he is a no good sneaky Jew from Jersey. But he is hot and I have the biggest crush on him. No, I AM NOT acting like a fag!
My name is Kyle Broflovski and I hate Eric Theodore Cartman. I don't know where he is or why he's gone, but I sincerely don't give a shit. He left 2 months ago after saying I had it all... What the fuck? He ran off crying for the sake of Moses.
Okay... now my phone's ringing at 3 a.m. What could he want now?
"Kyle! Hurry to Cartman's!" I could hear the laughter in his voice.
"Why?" I asked, puzzled. "What happened?"
"It's Cartman. He got what he deserved for ripping on you!" Stan was now laughing hysterically. "J-just get over here!" The line went dead.
I grabbed my coat and ran out the door, hoping Cartman was okay. WHAT? FORGET I SAID THAT! What the hell is wrong with me today?!
"Hi, Kahl," Cartman said as I breathlessly opened his front door. I gaped in horror at the sight I was shown
"W-wh-what happend?" I asked with a shaky voice.
"Craig, Clyde, and their gang happened..." Cartman seemed devastated that his friends were laughing, but tried not to show it. He had cuts all over him and bruises. His clothes were slashed. He was bloody and had major scars. Just what the hell did they do to him?!
"Wh-wha...?" I say, my voice shaking.
"Well, Kahl, I just was out walking in the forest like I do during school hours and I saw Clyde kissing Craig... They beat the shit out of me with a katana and a chainsaw. Here I am," he said, his voice cracking.
"Don't bullshit him, fatass! Say why they really beat the fuck out of you!" Kenny intervened.
"Alright, alright!" Cartman held his hands up in defense. "I heard them saying how I liked you and I was gay for you Kahl so I beat them down. They went to the hospital. However, Tweek had a chainsaw and that's how I got these cuts. They were plotting to kill you for my misery! What was I supposed to do?! Just let them?! You are MY Jew! I don't like sharing!" Cartman shouted while Stan and Kenny laughed.
What? He likes me enough to save me? I sobbed and ran out...
"Kyle!" Stan yelled.
I was so overwhelmed about the fatass that I ran into a car.
My name is Kyle and I am in love with Eric Theodore Cartman...