My First Donald Trump Fanfic
On one particular day, Laci Green was hard at work editing clips of a feminist vlog about how cancer was invented by straight white males in an attempt to oppress women and members of the LGBTQIA+ spectrum. It was around the same time that Donald Trump made an executive order to ban feminism. When Laci heard the news, she dropped everything to start a petition in order to reinstate the legality of her favorite oppressive man-hating group.
Having a vast fortune and many wives to cater to his whims, Joseph Smith decided to add an amendment to the gold plates, telling of the need for women to have rights in any free country more than that of a man. He sent these amendments in a package addressed to Laci Green, along with a portion of his fortune, a pair of magic underpants, and 16 tablets of acid. Laci then attempted to convince Donald Trump that feminism was right all along by presenting to him the gold plates and a small bribe of a million dollars, but Trump simply wouldn't have it.
In front of the whole world on international television, Jesus came down from Heaven to reinstate peace on Earth. He vowed to solve the feminism dispute without using violence, but he was immediately crucified by Laci's Tumblr followers. This sparked a worldwide outcry that caught the attention of Muhammad, the prophet. After witnessing the true son of God dying on the cross a second time, he instructed his #1 man, Osama Bin Laden, to rally the sons of Ishmael. Their plan was to humiliate Christians by destroying yet another symbol of American patriotism: Trump Tower.
Their plan worked perfectly, thanks to Black Lives Matter. Police brutality protesters gladly lent ISIS and friends a number of tanks from the U.S. military in order to take down the spread of hate speech. BLM's leader, a left-wing Adolf Hitler wannabe, spoke on the subject: "Trump doesn't represent us," they said. "After we destroy the face of white supremacism, we'll go on to smash the patriarchy." The news reporters watched in anticipation as Islamic extremists surrounded Trump Tower with tanks and destroyed the base of the building, causing it to topple over onto Islam's commander-in-chief, Osama Bin Laden. Muhammad was distraught, and Trump was outraged. The president of the United States officially declared war with Islam on September 11, 2017.
Amidst the destruction and chaos of war, an intelligent gorilla called Ishmael, named after the first son of Abraham, was critically analyzing the structure of the turmoil quickly spreading across the world. He sat across from a nameless man on a quest for knowledge, only divided by a thin glass window. Ishmael looked deeply into his comrade's eyes, conveying his thoughts flawlessly. "What is the reason for this war? It seems things got out of hand when the leader of the free world arbitrarily banned a women's power movement. Too many people got involved. It's almost as bad as the U.S.'s previous war with Iraq."
Ishmael's unnamed compatriot sat in silence. There was too much plot for him to understand. Existentialist cynicism filled the air, until the side of the building blew off, revealing a large missile surrounded in a cloud of cement dust. There was just enough time for the onlookers to see a logo proudly emblazoned across the explosive before it went off: STARK INDUSTRIES.
It wasn't long before the news of the attack caught up with the press. People were calling the incident 'Harambe 2'. Citizens across the world were enraged at the killing of yet another innocent gorilla. At that time, a large box-shaped object slowly entered the Eastern region of Saudi Arabia. A large door opened in the box, revealing 37,000 U.S. troops. In front of them, posing for his first appearance since the renewed war against terrorism, was Milo Yiannopoulos. He casually slid a pair of sunglasses off his nose, smirked, and said: "I'm glad Ishmael is dead." As if on cue, all soldiers commenced evacuating the transport vehicle to invade and conquer the entirety of the Middle East. This event would come to be known as the U.S.'s 'coming out of the Trojan closet'.
Muhammad came out with a statement after the war had been going back and forth for 18 months straight, which was as follows: "The fight against Trump has progressed in such a manner that we need every willing individual to join together to help our cause. If you have a vengeance you want to take out on Trump, America, or Christianity, come to us." This statement was soon made fun of by none other than Donald Trump, who retorted, "This guy is so weak, he's scavenging online for stronger guys who can fight better than he can!"
To everyone's surprise, Laci Green responded to Muhammad's call for assistance. "He's just a misunderstood guy, that's all" she stated, cheerily. "We defeated the supposed son of God, so who says we can't fight a tiny little bazillionaire?" She soon received orders from Muhammad to band together all her social media forces for an attack on the White House. The plan, about to come to fruition on the plotted day of anarchy, was halted when a group of Muslims carried out an aerial assault on the mob with their most well-known weakness: jet fuel. Laci and her diehard followers all collapsed from the inside, and their foundations were shattered. Third wave feminism had met the end of its life.
While that chain of events was going on, scientists in France were desperately at work, trying to find a way to put a stop to Muhammad and his reign of terror. They mathematically calculated that their best odds of survival were to create Muhammad's polar opposite: a man that had never existed in reality, but was recorded in one of Victor Hugo's 18th century masterpieces; his name was Jean Valjean. Genetic engineers reconstructed a man with a similar body structure to Hugo, imbued him with memories of the events described in Les Misérables, and implanted within him a computer chip powerful enough to emulate the human soul.
On the 30th anniversary of the Sega dreamcast's American release, nearly two years after the war began, Jean Valjean stepped forth to oppose the prophet Muhammad on the ruins of an ancient Indian burial ground. Each man had in his eyes a fiery passion for his people, ignited by the will of millions, all of whom had staked their lives on that very moment. Muhammad brandished an AK-47 from beneath his cape, attempting to intimidate his opponent. Valjean didn't flinch. He had faith. Muhammad saw his chance to strike. He sprinted forward, disrobing his elegant cape to show off an arsenal of fully-loaded weapons. Valjean sprinted toward Muhammad, unarmed. He met his enemy above the grave of Peter the apostle, managing to fend off the array of bullets coming his way. It came down to fist-on-fist: each man exchanged a bruise for a bruise over three and a half hours. Both worn to the bone, Muhammad and Valjean kept fighting. Muhammad managed to get in the final blow, causing Valjean to collapse on the ground before him. His death settled for a few moments while Muhammad stood there, panting and sweating. It started to rain, as if the world itself was saddened by the loss of Christianity's last hope.
But then, the clouds opened up, and Jesus once again came back from the dead. He sat upon a throne on the wings of angels, and a bright light shone on the resting place of Jean Valjean. Jesus spoke, "You have done your final evil deed to my people. Begone!" With that, an army of Holy angels came down to destroy Muhammad and his sinful people, putting an end to the blood-soaked history of the worldwide war between Christians and Muslims.
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After things has settled, Donald Trump issued a warrant for the arrest of Joseph Smith for the crime of partially causing an international conflict lasting multiple years. Authorities couldn't locate his whereabouts, stating that he had fled the view of the public eye. With the Muslims totally eradicated and the feminists silenced, the world enjoyed an extended period of peace.