AU: Let's just pretend Madara died heroically in battle like a true shinobi (screaming, cursing, and bleeding to death) and is now sipping British tea with Izuna somewhere in a different dimension. Oh, and because of that, somehow, the anachronism in the series is fixed. Canon had radios, so I gave them cell phones and pagers. Canon had computers, so I gave them laptops. Canon had arrow-guns, so I gave them gun-guns. Hello twenty first century… only without cars… yeah, transportation is still a dud.
Namikaze Minato is a calm and reasonable man, always able to sit quietly and listen to his citizen's complaints. The people have bragged that nothing can break his composure - insults, war, oversized foxes, their Hokage could easily resolve them all.
Hence, on a typical visit to the Hokage's office, one wouldn't expect to see the greatest man in Konoha fall apart under the screams of an explosive five foot four woman with three layers of eye bags, unruly bed hair, charcoal fingernails, compulsively twitching eyelids, and a breath that stunk distinctively of coffee.
"SUCH BLASPHEMY! AND YOU CALL YOURSELF THE GREAT JIRAIYA'S PUPIL! YOU WILL UPLIFT THIS BAN YOU HERE ME? YOU HAVEN'T HEARD THE LAST OF-"
The woman is forcibly dragged out of the office, but since she is a retired ANBU captain, the four guards got an earful (and fistful) of her.
Finally alone in the room, Minato gives a fake cough and brushes away the book the woman had slammed on his desk. He straightens out and takes a moment to find his center of gravity.
Just as he thinks he will finally get some peace, there is a ringing in the air.
"Hokage's office. What is the situation?" he says into the receiver, but there is a dead tone.
The ringing continues, and he realizes that it is not the work line… it's his cell phone.
"…"
The cell keeps ringing, but he stares at the little device.
Since he went to painstakingly difficult methods to get a private, non-tapped line for his family, this has one of two possibilities: one, this can be his son, too lazy to walk home from school and wanting a ride from his Lightning Flash dad… again… or two, this can be… Kushina.
Cringing, he closes his eyes and hits the button, holding the cell at arms distance.
Silence.
Hesitantly, he brings the contraption closer.
"… Hello?"
Suddenly, the cell phone in his hand is crushed into bits, fragments of plastic and metal spewing all over the expanse of his desk.
"Hi honey," says a smiling redheaded woman, hanging up on her end of the line before proceeding to grab her husband by the collar and tossing him all the way across the room, through the wall, and into the hallways.
While the mighty Hokage recovers and backs away, trembling with fear, the woman pleasantly asks "How's work, dear?" and cracks her knuckles one by one.
As it turns out, Minato is more susceptible pure terror than most people thought. Then again, the people are wrong 90% of the time, which explains why military villages aren't democracies.
oOoOo
Approximately two kilometers away, sixteen year old Uchiha Itachi is finally able to catch his breath at a local teashop, seeking desperate solace away from mundane missions, murderous rogue shinobi, and his clingy little brother, when someone slyly slides in the opposite seat and continue his daily habit of mooching off.
But just as that someone is about to take a bite into his stolen green tea cake, he decides it is only etiquette to strike up pointless small talk before savoring the overly expensive dessert.
"How's Snow country?" Shisui chirps.
"Cold."
"Ahh."
Pointless small talk accomplished, Shisui stuffs the cake down and munches contently.
Since three months in a desolate winter wonderland hasn't proven to be the most exciting experience, and Itachi has been hundreds of kilometers from any human contact, he decides to extend the conversation past its usual abridged length.
"How's Konoha?" Itachi asks.
"Hot."
"Hn."
And that is when Itachi's pager goes off, his five minute break ends, and he vanishes.
Meanwhile, Shisui takes his time relish his dessert.
"Ah, so glad I'm not in ANBU."
oOoOo
"FIVE YEARS, DAMN YOU!"
With tremendous strength, Kushina yanks her husband off the floor and throws him back into his office, where he is rammed against his desk and has the breath knocked out of him.
She storms in after, slamming the door behind her so hard that it snaps off its hinges, causing the already scared stiff jounin guards to step-side and flee for their lives. Potential invasions, enemy forces, assassins, sure they'll deal. But that woman, they've learned to steer clear of.
"K-Kushina, listen—"
"No, you listen," the fiery woman grits. "Every day, I cook, I clean, I do my missions, I look after you and our son's ass. But I'm not Mikoto the saint, honey, I can't do all of that for five straight years, being bottled in this tiny village, without getting stressed and pissed, and unless you want some Kyuubi chakra on released on you, I suggest you begin packing."
"Kushina," he tries again, "I'm sorry, but there's an international congress—"
"And last time, there was a Fire country threat, and before that, a devastating earthquake, and before that a locus invasion, and before that a criminal organization filled with insane, religious, cannibalistic pyromaniacs," Kushina violently spits, straddling her hubby on the desk. "No more excuses. Today's our anniversary, and I want my honeymoon. And that's FINAL." She punctuates by smashing him into the now-destroyed desk.
While Minato is still disorientated, Kushina smiles and hands him the Hokage's line. "You get one phone call."
oOoOo
"… Am I… interrupting?"
"Oh no, we were just discussing how lovely a peaceful boat ride in the Forest country would be. Say, is it true the water is so clean it actually sparkles in the sunset?"
"Affirmative."
As the redhead sighs in her daydream, Itachi still awaits an explanation as to why the office is in shambles, why Kushina-sama is present, and why the Hokage is on the floor, being dragged along like a rag doll. Then, he decides that the less he knows of the Uzumaki's familial matters, the better.
"You requested me, Hokage-sama?"
"Yes," the person on the floor squeaks. "I'll be away for the week. Please take over my duties until my return."
And thus, Itachi's mechanical mind goes into a screeching halt before rewinding and replaying his superior's request several times.
"You're assigning me as the temporary Hokage," he clarifies, keeping his tone calm and professional, when on the inside, he is in an absolute train wreck, not from fear that he will be unqualified, but from dread that this twist of events will cause inevitable trouble on his personal life… which contrary to what many assume, he still does have.
"Thank you for filling in, Itachi-kun," Kushina coos, that same violent gleam flaring, and Itachi has to suppress the chills down his spine – the woman has never liked him, not since after one hundred consecutive losses against his mother in everything from sparring to knitting. Then she bet she'd at least have the better son… and lost too, quite dramatically on that one. Plus, coupled with the facts that Kushina is the number one supporter in the Naruto-for-Hokage campaign, and the primary candidate for the new Hokage is currently Mikoto's son, Itachi knows he's going to have a hard time finding Kushina's good side when she returns.
"Give my best regards to your mom too."
He doesn't miss the brilliant spark in her eyes, and with her hardheaded, competitive streak, Kushina makes it sound more like a threat than a warm good bye.
And finally, as Minato tries to scavenge the remaining shards of his dignity, he gives his most trusted soldier some of his Hokage-wisdom. "The papers are…" – the papers were on his desk, before it got crushed to bits and everything was sent flying – "…here. Read them, file them, and make your best judgments if there is anything urgent."
"Hai, Hokage-sama."
"Also, I know this is obvious… but please don't cause any international wars."
oOoOo
In precisely ten minutes, Itachi has repaired the desk via time-reversal jutsu, gathered and sorted out all the paperwork, returned the guards to their proper posts, and restored the office to its initial condition, wall-holes and broken-doors included.
He then uses the remaining hour in the day to become acquainted with the proper procedures of the position, manage the schedule – learning about a certain delicate meeting known as the international congress that Minato purposely left out – briefly go over upcoming missions, stamp and approve several letters, and return to the tea shop and pay for the bill Shisui so courteously left behind.
oOoOo
Hell has taken its course.
The council is pissed, the Uchiha might as well be high on cocaine, the Hyuuga plans of rebellion, rumors of the Hokage's assassination spread like wild fire, the Hokage's son deals out death threats, Sasuke sues for child negligence, and now rumors of the Hokage's replacement's assassination spread like wild fire.
It can be worse.
oOoOo
The job itself isn't horrendous. In fact, Itachi likes the paperwork: it's quiet, peaceful, and intellectually stimulating, as he's finally able indulge in the intricacies of civics, ethics, economics, and rhetoric that he hasn't been able before. In the field, he could only follow his orders down to each letter – thinking a defect, questioning a threat – and even when he took a position in espionage and intelligence, he was still, bluntly put, a machine only meant to gather, store, and process data, nothing more.
But now, it's invigorating. After sixteen years of dormancy, his brain is finally awake and active, absorbing every particle of information presented to him, analyzing, connecting, and finding solutions that not even the Nara will think of.
On one particular case, something catches his eye, and intrigued, he delves into the old records forgotten in the forbidden library. The next thing he knows, he has his sharingan activated, reading into the treaties of his forefathers, and along with it, the loopholes in the system.
Thirty minutes later, hawk messengers have been sent to the Suna, Ame, Kiri, Iwa, and Kumo respectively to reinforce trade, support their economies, provide construction, mend sour relations, and acknowledge existing ones. Letters for smaller and subtler villages flies out the window within the hour, and putting down Konoha's finance sheets, Itachi stretches and decides now is a nice time to return to home, prepare himself a quick breakfast, and begin his first day of official duties as Hokage.
oOoOo
The sun rises and the ANBU stand before the sixteen year old, startled that, for once, the rumors are true.
For some, it is awkward, for others, disturbing. But the majority conceals their unease, and for the minority that either are used to working under their captain, or just don't care, this shift is as natural as the very wind that blows.
Six in the morning and the jounin arrives, awaiting their missions for the day. Like with the ANBU, Itachi reads each member's profile thoroughly and match up the missions that they are most qualified for. He needs to ensure the highest possible percent of success without wasting any troops, and even though he admits to have never encountered many of the shinobi before him, he quickly and efficiently analyzes each and assigns a proper task.
There are no delays; in fact, many people swore the process move at the same, if not a faster, rate, and the jounin accept the change in power as well.
The chuunin and genin, on the other hand…
"OH THE POWER OF YOUTH!"
"DIE UCHIHA!"
"I ACCEPT THIS CHALLENGE!"
"No, don't—"
Tenten, a newly made genin, has to rub her temples as her teammates proceed to attack the temporary Hokage, while her sensei, her sensei for goodness sake, encourages them.
In the end, Gai is sparkling with joy, Lee is acknowledging Itachi as a formidable opponent, and Neji is seething with rage, struggling against a rope cocoon.
They exit the room, with a mission that is perfect for their expendable energies and, in Itachi's words, is meant to "establish control, limits, and humility." In other words, de-weed the entire senior district, paint their homes, carry their grocery, scrub their feet, cook their meals, chew their meals... Just about every mundane task he can think of that wouldn't overstep the child labor prohibition.
oOoOo
"— to think of all the power that this opportunity has gained for us. The doors that this could open, the change, the revolution—"
"No."
"He is a fool, carelessly handling you this position, but don't you be a fool too and not use it—"
"I am currently doing everything in my power to stabilize this village, boost its economy and wealth, and ensure the safety and welfare of all its citizens."
"You know that is not what I meant!"
"There are 48,902 people residing in or around Konoha, and I cannot and will not risk their lives for the sake of a hundred."
"Don't get cocky with me, boy! That seat of power has gotten to your head and made you blind. The Hokage will return in due time, and you will realize how idiotic your actions are, not securing your OWN clan and your OWN blood while you had the chance."
"Konoha has not breeched the treaty, and as long as the Uchiha does not as well, I see no reasons for any further 'securing.' Please Father, the Uchiha's wealth alone encompasses over twenty percent of all Konoha's assets—"
"That should be fifty!"
"Back when our clan made up fifty percent of the village population, Father! When Konoha was barely a tenth of the size it is today, when it held no citizens! All of which is over eighty years ago."
"Even so, we founded this damn village—"
"No, we didn't. Our forefathers did. Uchiha Madara did, along with Senju Hashirama. But the Senju assimilated into the population, and what's sustaining our village is neither the Senju nor Uchiha, but a collection of various clans. The Nara with their intellect, the Inuzuka with their tracking abilities, the Hyuuga—" Here, Fugaku looks as if he was a balloon of steaming hot air ready to burst "—the Hyuuga, with their wealth and influence," Itachi tactfully says.
"Yes, they invade our village like bugs," Fugaku grits, now referring the Aburame clan that joined forces decades earlier, "claiming it to be theirs. But did any of them labor away to form this place? Shed so much blood defending this village? No, they just nest themselves in the homes we died creating."
Intensely frustrated, Itachi tries yet again to explain. "Statistically speaking, yes, the Uchiha clan lost the most lives defending our village in past wars, and our numbers have dwindled dramatically because of it. But by percentage, the Senju suffered far worse and lost their clan altogether. To this day, there are no more Senju purebloods. Either way, the other clans may not have had the same deep rooted history, but they sacrifice themselves nonetheless to ensure the survival of everyone as a whole."
"The Senjus died because they were weak, too weak to lead the very village that should have belonged to us. But no, they compromised their side of their agreement by handing it to Sarutobi for god's sake, and then to Namikaze."
"Sarutobi Hiruzen and Namikaze Minato were selected because they were the most qualified, not because of any scheme to marginalize us."
"Uchiha Kagami was every bit as talented as Sarutobi, and Minato, Minato…" Fugaku can hear his voice rising and he has to stop himself. Oh how he loathes, loathes, loathes that man.
Itachi, who understands their long and complicated history of nonstop rivalry, fighting for everything from the Hokage's title to women, knows that is a topic to be dropped with haste. The Uchiha does not take defeat well, and his father, with both his exceptional pride and impossible temperament, is a whole other story.
"Kagami-san died heroically in battle, and while you do not have to agree with Namikaze-sama's legislation, he is an excellent ninja, diplomat, and leader. I apologize, Father, but I simply cannot expand our clan's territory," he swiftly concludes, ignoring the other's outraged cry. "With the average citizen living in eighty two square meter apartments, the Uchiha already has the largest and more luxurious expanse of land."
"Itachi!"
"Please, Father, you taught me to keep work and home separate. You may scold me, beat me, punish me to your heart's content when I return home, but for now, you are to address me as Hokage-sama and listen to my word. Now please take your leave."
Uchiha Fugaku stomps out, cursing under his breath, a burning building in his wake.
Itachi sighs and activates a water jutsu.
oOoOo
While Itachi is in the middle of fiddling with a government-only computer-like machine to notify the other Kage's that he will be Minato's replacement in the upcoming conference, a figure steps out from the shadows.
Itachi has been aware of his presence for some time now, but decides to let the old man to linger as he does not interfere with his work. Past the conversation with his father, there hasn't been anything else to spy on. Only papers of recommendations from Jounin proctors, friendly letters from the Kazekage to Minato's son, and a document outlining the reconstruction plan of the Rice country.
The last proves to be the most difficult project to date, since the Oto is ruthless with negotiations, and Rice is in slum state of violence and poverty. The place is so unstable that Itachi has even considered demilitarizing the country altogether and placing it under Fire control. However, that will spark resistance, misunderstandings, and conflicts that neither side needed.
Itachi also scraped the idea of an open-door policy, because while it will help foster Rice's economy, Konoha will inevitably suffer. As much as he hates it, Fire's selfish monopoly that has triggered so many wars is the very thing sustaining it. And though thousands in starvation will be saved, granting Rice citizens entrance to Fire will breech national security, and that cannot work.
In the end, Itachi realizes that he is too inexperienced, ignorant, and almost naïve in many areas of politics to solve this tremendous challenge, so he approaches with the bare basis and leaves the rest for Minato to resolve, day by day, year by year, and hopefully, the problem will unwind in the distant future.
"You are putting in considerable effort in keeping up with Namikaze-sama's work."
"How may I help you, Danzou-sama."
The monitor finally turns on, and Itachi spends his time familiarizing with its functions and keys, all while preparing to be mentally screwed over by the senile kook.
After all, at one point in his life, Danzou almost convinced him to murder his entire clan, effectively casting him into a spiraling depression that took out a huge chunk of his sanity.
But in some aspects, he has to thank Danzou. When Itachi was thirteen, the Hokage exiled him to the Tea country for three months, and it was then that he got the longest and most relaxing vacation he would ever get in his life.
oOoOo
Since only the kages, doctors, and cryptology squads use portable computers, it takes a while for Itachi to finally get a grasp of how it works. He isn't keen on using it, but since the conference is approaching, and a hawk message will take days, there's no other choice.
That's when Shisui drops in for a hello, commenting how absolutely awful Itachi looks, with the grim expression and the apparent shadows under his eyes.
"You haven't left this desk for two days straight, have ya?"
"No."
"You haven't slept."
"…"
"Haven't eaten either, I'm assuming?"
"Go away," Itachi grumbles, his professional mask dropping.
"Come on, let's get some grub. Your treat!" Shisui exclaims, because totally cares for his best friend, and not because he's broke and the only thing at home is his mom's yum-yum vegan meals... or anything.
oOoOo
"How's police work?"
"Boring. Although there's a rumor circulating around that your father is out to murder you, but you know the statistics behind rumors. Ninety percent of rumors – baloney."
"Ninety percent of statistics are lies as well. How poorly is my father taking it?"
"Oh, the usual. Curses, threats, spontaneous combustions on everything he touches. Also this and that about you being an utter disgrace and that you're disowned and et cetera et cetera." Shisui shrugs. "This is like the… what? Ninth time he's supposedly disowned you?"
"Tenth," Itachi sighs, taking a sip of his tea. Ever since he humiliated his father three years earlier – with the unsuccessful massacre and whatnot – he has been at odds with that man. But even more so, Itachi is concerned with how their irreparably-damaged relationship has negatively affected his little brother.
At the age of eleven, Sasuke has already secured himself the title of number one dropout, which only infuriates their father more, which forces Fugaku to take Itachi back into the family again, only to throw him out… again. Hence, the vicious cycle continues, and their poor mother has to endure it all.
Noticing the additional stress, Shisui changes the topic. "How's Kage work?"
"It's Namikaze-sama's natural field. Only he has the stamina and temperament to keep up with the demands, and filling in, I have to admit I feel lost in many areas," Itachi confesses, exhaling deeply.
Shisui chopstick-whacks his cousin's head.
"Why did—"
"Itachi, you're sixteen. Stop working yourself to death, trying to save the freaking planet. Look, I'll cover for you. Meanwhile, I want you to get some damn sleep. Then call your fiancée. She's been asking for you, and she threatened to cut out my larynx if you avoid her one more day."
At the mention of said fiancée, Itachi noticeably twitches.
Then he acquiesces, pays for the bill, and exits the restaurant.
That leaves Shisui, who belatedly wonders, "Wait, if ninety percent of statistics are lies, is that a lie too?"
oOoOo
Shisui honestly doesn't get what's so bad about the job as he rolls around in his chair, whistling.
Meanwhile, the guards outside are startled by the ridiculous change in behavior of their temporary Hokage. Even an academy student can tell that he is a fraud, but after extensive scrutiny, they haven't found a single difference between the before-Itachi and the now-Itachi… past the obvious change in persona and the overall cheerfulness in the atmosphere.
It drives them mad, because no one pretending to be the Hokage will be so glaringly poor at imitating his character, yet so impossibly brilliant at capturing everything from appearance to voice to chakra. It forces them to accept that Itachi is actually a merry, whistling, and happy-go-round boy, which to them, is wrong on so, so many levels.
Then, a ninja appears to return a completed assignment, and without even looking, Shisui continues spinning and says, "The bin, thatta way."
The jounin is as baffled by the Hokage's behavior as the guards, and alert, she spikes her chakra and analyses the fake, who turns out to be… real? She then tries dispelling any genjutsu to find nothing once more. Still… is this carefree boy the same as the solemn, stoic person she saw this morning…?
"Whatcha waiting for?" he asks, closing his eyes and spinning faster.
"Apologies, Hokage-sama."
At the voice, Shisui abruptly stops himself, enjoys the vertigo, and then, for the first time, looks up at the very gorgeous jounin girl.
"Hey, you're hot," he comments, grinning goofily, and thus, the guards, who have been spying into the office, fall to the ground. There should be the usual slap right about now, but Shisui is on quite the sugar rush and is too high to care. Plus, the girl isn't just the regular hot, she's smoking hot, and not saying anything should be a capital offense.
Then, comes the big surprise.
The girl blushes, and rubbing her neck, mutters a thank you.
… The hell?
And suddenly, Shisui enjoys the position so much more.
oOoOo
"GO KILL YOURSELF!"
Then, the bouquet of flowers is used as a weapon to slap Itachi before it is discarded on the sidewalk.
Then, the door slams close.
Then, Itachi sits outside her doorstep, picks up the damaged azaleas, honeysuckles, and other flowers she once liked, and gently nudges them back to shape.
And as Itachi brushes his fingers against the petals, he knows he has probably spent more time looking at the wilting flowers than the person he wants to give them to.
Some things never change.
oOoOo
"… What… the… fuck."
"Hana!"
And before she could get another word in, Shisui escapes from the ladies' grip and teleports both him and the Inuzuka out of his concubine – err, office.
She folds her arms, an eyebrow raised, and tilts her head in a "well?"
"Alright, what's it going to take for you to keep hush hush?"
"I don't know, Shisui-san, but I hope you realize impersonating the Hokage is a capital offense. Plus, if Itachi-kun knew about this…"
"It's my head, I know, I know, but but but they were so damn hot. Five were ANBU. ANBU! Unlike ANBU guys who are broken little souls that are complete sluts outside of their missions, ANBU women are broken little beauties that are nearly unattainable. This is like the lottery."
"And if said ANBU women knew…"
Shisui cringes. "Let's not even think about that."
"You won't if you babysit my snot-nosed brother," she breezily states, and just as Shisui is about to agree, she adds, "And walk my dogs, and do my laundry, and erase my last B-rank offense from the Hokage's records."
"Oh you are so milking this."
She gives a toothy grin. "Every last drop."
oOoOo
"Who was that?" they immediately question the second Shisui returns. Then again, they are kunoichi, and paranoia is ingrained in every thought.
"Eh, old teammate," he smoothly says. And it is, well, true.
Convinced, the girls all huddle around him again, loving and cooing.
"We knew that," one purrs, drawing spirals in his chest.
"Of course you wouldn't betray us, Itachi-sama."
"Not like you'll ever have interest for that smelly Inuzuka."
Shisui refrains from commenting that the smelly Inuzuka and her super-nose are what rendered his super awesome, fool proof genjutsu… non-fool proof. Instead, he grins and raises his hand, summoning the sexy secretary to bring in more sake.
"Isn't it against to law for minors to drink?" she shyly asks, holding up the jar.
"Fuck the law. I'm the Hokage!"
oOoOo
The door slides open.
She grumbles under her breath and pulls the sleeping boy into her house. Didn't she tell Shisui-baka to tell Itachi to sleep first, and come to her place second?
oOoOo
The Hokage's office has been officially pimpified. Walls are a bold red and blue, the curtains a rich black, the couches a nice leathery brown. The bland room now has a pumping music, a giant disco ball, and twenty dozen wild kunoichi shaking their stress away on the dance floor.
Yeah, Itachi will receive a giant bill in the mail later and kill him for it, but for now, who the hell cares? Shisui is having the time of his life. In the past hours, he's managed to prank call the government council, legalize orgies, change the kunoichi dress code to mesh shirts and miniskirts, decree that his head be carved on the Kage monument, force the contractors to place a statue of him right besides Madara in the Uchiha district, fire his rival, Hatake Kakashi, and schedule a date with the one and only Yuuhi Kurenai.
Plus, he's too drunk to care of the consequences or hear the cries outside his window. Abuse of power? Psh, not abusing power is overrated.
"Hey, hey, more sakeeee!" Shisui slurs, and then giggles along with the pretty girls by his side.
oOoOo
"Isn't he under-aged?" one of the guards questions the other, both peeking through the crack in the door.
"… yes."
"Shouldn't we do something about this?"
"… yes."
"Shouldn't we at least alert Namikaze-sama?"
"… yes."
"Then—"
"But Uzumaki-sama broke his cell phone. She didn't want him distracted during their honeymoon."
"So… we're just going to watch unabashedly as Uchiha-sama neglect his duties, ruin his reputation, and throw perhaps one of the most epic parties of the century?"
"… yes."
"Alright then."
"…"
"…"
"You want to join them?"
"Yes."
oOoOo
"Gods, don't take my words seriously," she murmurs, elegantly drawing the curtains close, pressing her body closer.
She deepens the kiss.
oOoOo
Kunoichi have an excellent sense of when a party is over. That's why all the women have long retreated to their apartments and had a nice steaming shower, a quick dinner, and decent night's sleep.
Meanwhile, shinobi haven't got a clue, because at five in the morning, the eight jounin men are drunk on the floor, one chuunin is hanging on the revolving fan on the ceiling, and one teen is passed out on the couch, with twenty jars of sake by his foot.
"… Shisui, you moron," the girl growls before proceeding to kick his fat ass off the couch and letting her dogs provide a beautiful golden wake up call.
oOoOo
"Stop."
"Fuck no."
"I have my mission."
"You always have your mission. Don't worry your pretty ass off. Shisui-nii-san's covering."
"That's precisely what worries me."
He swiftly exits the bathroom, avoids the wine glasses and candles on the bedroom floor, and makes his way out to the front door.
She follows, just as gracefully, and flashes in front of the door, blocking it, a vicious aura in her eyes.
"Get back in the bed," she commands.
He stops, and just as he is about to shunshin out, she snatches him and pins him on the ground.
"Get. Back. In. The. Bed."
There is a reason she is the most feared kunoichi in Konoha. Tsunade and Kushina? Saints compared to her.
oOoOo
"You have twenty three minutes," Hana monotonously informs, while Shisui douses himself with fifty different cleansing jutsus. "But given Itachi-kun's punctuality, it's safe to say you've got thirteen."
"Did you have to make your dogs PEE on me?"
"Nothing like the scent of urine to wake you up."
The three brothers happily bark in agreement.
oOoOo
Their speeds are well matched, their strength, intelligence, strategy, intuition also equal.
Her foot is on his chest, keeping him down.
She grins. But one thing Itachi never did have is stamina. She, on the other hand, has enough to rival those of a jinchuuriki.
"You ready to be a good boy?"
"Perhaps I can provide something to dissuade you?"
She raises an eyebrow. "I'm listening."
oOoOo
"Five minutes."
"You can HELP you know," screams one of the many Shisuis prancing around the office.
"YEAH!" agrees the one tossing the bodies out of the window.
The one with the paintbrush in his mouth nods furiously.
The fact that he is beyond hung over while trying to do this light-speed clean up does not help.
"Does it look like I can do your crazy shunshin? Oh, and I suggest you do something about the smell here too. It reeks of alcohol and sex."
All the Shisuis vanishes, showing one who stopped in his track.
"Wait, I got laid last night?"
"Ninety percent of female ANBU are lesbian. Doubt it."
"HANA."
oOoOo
She examines the garnet necklace, glittering in a pool of diamond and onyx.
It matches the dress Itachi gave her last time quite well. Even with her selective taste, she is not disappointed.
However…
"Hold it," she sweetly whispers, using the necklace as military wire against his neck, strangling him in place and preventing him from leaving.
"It's still not a fucking ring."
oOoOo
"T minus ten seconds."
"Just kill me now," he dizzily remarks. He is moving so fast there are now a hundred in the room.
Migraine still not going away.
oOoOo
For some reason, when Itachi enters into the Hokage's office, he is expecting the place to be in absolute ruin with his replacement hideously drunk.
For once, he is pleased to find that is not the case.
oOoOo
"You again."
"Yup."
"Do you have like a thing for my sister or something?"
Shisui gags, then proceeds to violently vomit on the sidewalk, because of the mere suggestion of dating dog-girl, the alcohol the previous day, and the thirteen minutes of nonstop roller coaster shunshining.
The boy likes the reaction.
"That's good," Kiba states, and his puppy barks. "Otherwise I'd have to kill you."
oOoOo
"KAI, KAI, KAI!"
The ropes tightly bounding her in place will not dissipate. She fumes, unable to break out the genjutsu.
Out of all the times, he has to accept her sadistic bondage proposals now.
"UCHIHA ITACHI, YOU BASTARD."
And thus, fire shoots out in all directions.
oOoOo
Something is off.
Itachi learns what when he opens the drawer and find a hundred different notes blasted with perfume and lipstick marks, all with a phone number written for a certain Itachi-sama~
Then he hears men vomiting outside his window.
Then the phone rings, and two angry old folks are shouting into his ear.
Then the phone rings, and all citizens are either condemning or extolling the latest legislation.
Then the phone rings, and an Iwa salesman is confirming the shipment of twenty thousand feathered boas.
Then one Hatake Kakashi flashes in the room, asking politely why, after thirty years of devoted service, he is fired… and if being fired is even possible… because if it is, he would have done something to be fired a long time ago.
And while Itachi apologizes to the superiors and the citizens, declines all cargos of feathers, chocolate, and leather pants, pays for the recent renovations, and politely tells the loyal shinobi that tardiness is a legitimate reason, one pissed off Sarutobi Asuma comes in, demanding what the hell did Itachi do to Kurenai.
Thus, Kakashi raises an eyebrow, and Asuma corrects himself by saying that her behavior seemed "off" when he saw her at the shopping district… and not because all Kurenai said during last night's date was Itachi this and Itachi that… or anything.
And while Itachi reinstates Kakashi – much to the man's chagrin – and explains that he has not placed Yuuhi under sharingan hypnosis if that is what is being insinuated, the troublesome genin squad barges in.
"I knew it! You were just one giant pervert in the end!" one Hyuuga accuses.
"With all due respects, Hokage-sama, I cannot conceal my weapons in this new attire," one weapon specialist admits, embarrassed. Or any part of me, she wants to add.
"No, I support this wholeheartedly, Hokage-sama! I believe a similar code should be passed for men!" one taijutsu user exclaims.
"Oh gods, no one wants that," Neji snaps.
"But look at how fast Tenten-chan can move now! We are lighter, faster, and more efficient! Plus, it battles us against the climate!"
"She's moving faster now because every pervert has his eyes on her!"
"You had your eyes on Tenten-chan too, Neji-kun," Lee points out.
Neji sputters, Tenten blushes, Lee explains his plan of a new male uniform – a green spandex men's bikini – and Gai finally drops in on his tortoise and announces that his team is ready for the toughest mission possible.
As Itachi feels the migraine settling in, not unlike the one Shisui had moments earlier, the ANBU enters, the men demanding why there were not invited to the party, the woman seductively gathering around his desk and invading his personal space.
All in all, over fifty people crowded in a space meant for ten, every one speaking at once.
And that is when his mother waltzes in.
She marches across the room, easily pushing everyone out of her way, and above the turbulence, cries, "Why didn't you tell me you were gay for your best friend?"
And thus, everyone silences.
Itachi continues to massage his temples.
Someone is going to feel his wrath later on.
oOoOo
Ten kilometers away, Shisui's instincts kick in, telling him to disappear and take a vacation in the isolated Nagi islands, far, far away from one pissed off cousin.