Couples Retreat
Harley Quinn sank into the bubble bath with a sigh, savoring the steam and the heat and the feel of the soothing water against her skin. She inhaled the aroma of the lit scented candles deeply, and then reached for the glass of wine by the tub, sipping it slowly as she leaned back, shutting her eyes. She drank in the relaxing silence for a moment, enjoying the privacy and peace that came with being alone. Then she reached for her book, flipping it open to her favorite and well-worn part of Love's Wacky Fury.
Harley had self-published her erotic novel a good few years back now – she had even drawn the cover, featuring a scantily clad Harley swooning into the Joker's white chest, naturally bare and muscular, as he clasped her naked thigh in barely-restrained desire, a noticeable, massive bulge in his far too tight trousers as she pulled a pin on the grenade in the mouth of a tied-up Batman.
Most people had mistaken it for satire, or pornographic fan fiction. Either way, it had earned Harley a pretty penny in sales, but she had really just written it for herself to enjoy. It was her fantasy, one of the things that got her through the dark times when Mr. J just didn't show any interest in her, which had occurred pretty frequently throughout their relationship.
Not that it was Mr. J's fault this time, she thought. Ever since their twin children Arleen and J.J. had been born, a lot of their parents' time and attention had been devoted solely to them. Which was only natural, thought Harley, and she loved her children more than words could express. But she was also incredibly grateful that today their father had decided to take them out on his own, leaving Harley to enjoy some quality me time with her bath and her book.
And as Ivy always said, thought Harley, men were all very well, but you couldn't depend on them for everything. Sometimes a woman just has to take care of herself. This was one of those times.
She sipped her wine and resumed reading, losing herself in her fantasy.
The Joker loomed above her, shirtless, his beautifully sculpted body shaking in unrestrained passion. She could see the bulge of his muscles quivering underneath his alabaster flesh as his intense green eyes locked with her wide, blue ones, holding them prisoner in their powerful gaze. "Dr. Quinzel," he gasped. "Harley. Please. I need you."
"Mr. Joker, I can't!" she exclaimed. "You're my patient! We shouldn't be doing this…"
"I can't help it," he whispered. "I can't restrain my desire for you any longer. I must have you or I will die. I've never felt this way about anyone before – you're the only woman I've ever loved. I can't control myself around you. Please say you want me too."
"You know I do," whispered Harley. "But if we're caught…"
"I don't care," he interrupted. "I'll sacrifice everything for you. Will you do the same for me?"
She gazed back into his burning eyes, his chiseled features, the sexiest clown she'd ever seen, and nodded slowly. "Yes. Yes, I will, Mr. J."
He was on her in a second, tearing off her lab coat and ripping the buttons off her shirt, his strong, skilled fingers brushing her flesh and sending desire shooting through every inch of her needy body, filling her up like air in a whoopie cushion. He clutched her to him, pressing desperate, burning kisses on her, and she felt his huge, thick member stir beneath the baggy fabric of his inmate uniform.
"Oh!" she gasped. "Oh, Mr. J! You're so big!"
He didn't respond except to growl slightly, and press her down into his lap so that she could feel every throb and pulse of his growing organ.
"That's why I call it the Big J, toots," he whispered, biting down on her earlobe as one hand slid into her skirt, reaching for her own personal joy buzzer.
"Oh yes, Daddy!" she groaned, feeling electricity coursing through her. "Oh, gimme some puddin', puddin'!"
"Whatever my doctor orders!" he chuckled, with that wild, sexy laugh of his, as he reached down to his pants. Harley's blue eyes grew even wider as he slipped them down slowly to reveal his huge, hard, massive, throbbing, giant, pulsing, humongous…
A knock came on the front door suddenly. "Dammit!" shrieked Harley, furious at being startled out of her fantasy when it was about to get to the best part.
She tried to ignore the knocking and concentrate on the book again, but it kept coming. At last, Harley gave a heavy sigh, put down the book, and reached for her bathrobe.
"Whoever it is, they're lucky I don't keep a gun in my robe like Mr. J," she muttered, storming down the hall. She threw open the front door angrily to reveal the figure of Emilia Crane, Jonathan Crane's wife.
"Oh…Harley, I'm so sorry," she stammered. "I didn't know you were preoccupied…"
"Well, I was, but I'm not now," retorted Harley.
"Sorry to disturb you. I'll let you get back to your privacy…" began Emilia.
"No, no, now that you're here, you'd better come in," said Harley. "My relaxing private time has already been ruined, after all, and it ain't like I'm getting it back in a hurry."
"I'm really very sorry," said Emilia again. "I just assumed you'd be with your family…"
"Nope, Mr. J's taken the kiddies out to an amusement park," said Harley. "He's a great Daddy like that. Great Daddy in a lotta ways," she murmured, dreamily, thinking of her fantasy again.
"Yes…yes, I'm sure he is," said Emilia, slowly. She cleared her throat. "Anyway, I am sorry to disturb you, Harley, especially when I know how rare it must be for you to get a moment to yourself."
"Yeah, you know that more than me," said Harley, nodding. "Lemme get you a drink. I'm having wine – you want some?"
"Erm…no thank you, I'm still breastfeeding our youngest," said Emilia. "Just some water, please."
"Oh yeah, you had a boy this time, didn't you?" asked Harley, filling up the glass from the sink and handing it to her. "What's his name again?"
"Irving," replied Emilia. "It was between Irving or Poe."
"Po like the Teletubby?" asked Harley, puzzled.
"…like the writer," said Emilia. "What's a Teletubby?"
"You got three kids and you dunno what a Teletubby is?" asked Harley. She whistled. "Geez, you're lucky. They're from a TV show."
"We don't actually allow the children to watch television," replied Emilia. "Jonathan and I want to encourage them to start reading at a young age, so we try to entertain them with books. Katrina's already reading at quite an advanced level for her age."
"Yeah, books are...good," murmured Harley, thinking of her novel. "Whatever your age."
Emilia nodded. "Anyway, we thought Irving was the more usual name than Poe, and we didn't want our son bullied for having an unusual name."
"Yeah, it's not a name you hear often," agreed Harley. "But then neither is Irving, really. And isn't Poe the name of that character in the new Star Wars movie? Probably due to be a really popular name because of that."
"I don't know – I'm afraid I haven't seen it," replied Emilia.
"Mr. J has, about twenty times," sighed Harley. "I really don't get the Star Wars thing, but he loves it, and so do the kiddies. Mr. J insists that Luke guy sounds exactly like him – they're talking about doing Darth Vader and Luke and Leia costumes for Halloween just so Mr. J can do the whole 'I am your father' line…"
"Yes, that's very interesting, Harley, but I actually came here to ask you a favor," said Emilia, interrupting her gently. "It's rather a large favor, actually, so I'm not sure how to ask…"
Harley shrugged, gulping down her wine. "Just shoot. I was never one for tact. Ask Mr. J."
"Well…I was wondering if you and the Joker had plans for Valentine's Day," she said.
Harley shrugged again. "It's pretty much the same for us every year. I want sex – Mr. J don't want sex. I spend the day trying to wheedle it outta him with begging, bargaining, and threats, and if I'm lucky he relents that evening. But that's not really a plan, just our routine."
"Well…Jonathan's been such a help with the children that I really want to do something extra special for him for Valentine's Day weekend," continued Emilia. "And I've found this couples retreat upstate which looks really beautiful. There's all kinds of activities – mountain hiking, skiing, horseback riding, swimming pool, spa, fine dining…and it's adults only, of course. So I was wondering if I could impose upon you the responsibility of babysitting our children that weekend. They're really very well behaved, and they shouldn't give you any trouble. And I hate to pressure you like this, but you've had experience with very young children before, and you're one of our few friends I trust with our babies. I know you're a responsible mother, and you clearly know the importance of needing time alone. I mean, I adore our children with all my heart, but I know a weekend away would mean the world to me, and to Jonathan."
Harley nodded slowly. "Sure, I'll help you and Johnny out," she said. "Should be a relief for Mr. J too – means he's saved from my pathetic pleas for sex this year. Won't have time with your three to take care of, plus our two. But maybe that's just as well. After all these years, if he still ain't interested, I'm almost too tired to make the effort. At least you don't have to make an effort with Johnny, do ya?" she asked, smiling at her.
"Um…no," said Emilia, blushing slightly. "No, it's…one of the reasons we've had three children so…comparatively quickly. Not that I'm complaining, of course. They were unplanned, but certainly not unwanted."
"Yeah, we only had ours by accident too," agreed Harley. "Mr. J never would have agreed otherwise. But he's a great father, just like I always told him he'd be."
"Yes, Jonathan's a great father too," said Emilia, smiling.
"Mr. J's better," snapped Harley.
"I won't debate you, Harley," replied Emilia. "But may I tell Jonathan you'll look after the children?"
"Yeah, happy to help," said Harley. "And at least one of us can get lucky on Valentine's Day. But use protection this time, huh?"
"…yes, thank you, Harley," said Emilia, slowly. "I'll get out of your hair. I really can't tell you how grateful I am for this, and if I can return the favor in any way, you only have to ask."
"Well, I doubt Mr. J and I will be going to any couples retreat anytime soon!" laughed Harley.
Emilia left, and Harley returned to the bathroom, and her book. "Well, maybe in my head we might," she muttered, settling back under the bubbles. "But certainly not in reality."
She was going to be in for quite a surprise.