Disclaimer: The following characters belong to the Tolkien army, not I.
Author's Note: This was written at 2am with my brother. If you don't watch Undergrads, you have no one to blame but yourself.Bear with us…
Magical Elven Soda Crackers to the Rescue
Legolas was riding on his horse through a haunted forest. The forest had lots of tall trees, and they were leafy. He came up to a really old, ugly one and began to climb. As he was climbing the feathers on his arrows tickled the tree, causing it to sneeze. Achoo! Legolas then fell and hit every branch on the way down, breaking both his legs.
Gimli walked by and said, "What happened to you? You look like you fell out of the ugly tree, and hit every branch on the way down."
Then Gimli, not realizing that Legolas' legs were broken, tried to help him to his feet. His legs shattered like a hammer through glass.
"Yipes! That really hurts! Luckily I have this magical Elven soda cracker that will miraculously heal me." Legolas took the cracker out of his pouch to eat it.
Suddenly, a bird swooped down and swiped the cracker right out of his hand!
"Gimli, my friend, you must get that cracker back from that wretched bird, or I will never walk again!" Legolas wailed, tears brimming in his eyes. "What good is immortality if you can't walk?"
"Alright, I will retrieve your cracker, but you must perform one favour for me in return." Legolas agreed without hesitation. "I will tell you this favour once I return with your cracker. For now, sit tight and don't panic.
Legolas nodded. He was not afraid of the forest. Then he remembered it was haunted. "Eep!"
"What?" asked Gimli.
"Just…please hurry. I'm afraid of…Americans."
Gimli nodded, though he knew not what "Americans" were. They said their goodbyes, and Gimli hurried off in pursuit of the bird.
The dwarf soon met Eomer, who was sun-tanning next to a haunted pool. Several swooning female ghosts hovered nearby.
"Hail Caesar!" Gimli shouted, though he knew not why. The dwarf charged at the ghosts, thinking they were harming Eomer. His axe flew through the air as he chopped each one down.
Eomer awoke from his poolside nap with a start. "What goes on here?" He settled back down when he saw it was only Gimli. "Bring me a salad," Eomer ordered.
"I would, Oh Handsome One, but ala, I am chasing yonder bird." Gimli pointed at the fleeing creature.
"What has the fiend done?" Eomer wondered aloud.
"He has stolen Legolas' magical cracker."
"That horrible bastard son of Sauron! He must be stopped!" Eomer put on his clothes and then followed after Gimli and the bird.
Meanwhile, Legolas was being fawned ove rby the ghosts who had previously been swooning over Eomer.
"Don't touch that!" he whined.
The ghost smiled and asked what had happened. Legolas told her about the tree and the falling and the broken legs and the stolen cracker.
"How awful," she replied. "But what happened to the horse?"
"I…don't know," the elf realized.
"Did you check if you had another cracker in your pouch before you sent your friend on this quest?"
"Uh…" Legolas checked his pouch. "Well, what do you know?" He ate the other cracker, then headed off after Gimli to tell him the good news, thanking the ghosts as he went.
Meanwhile, Gimli and Eomer had caught the bird after it had run into a tree. Gimli dutifully retrieved the cracker, while Eomer whispered sweet, sweet nothings to the sobbing bird.
"Hark," Legolas announced his presence, "I am here!"
Gimli and Eomer turned to the elf. "You lying sack of orc manure!" Gimli roared. "You said both your legs were broken, yet here you are prancing about like a pretty boy!"
"Hey!" Eomer interrupted.
Gimli shushed him. "You lied to me you yak ass, and I am not pleased."
"I'm sorry guy, and hi Eomer, but this really nice ghost lady told me to check if I had another cracker, so I did guy, and there it was, so I ate it guy, and then came here to tell you not to chase the bird anymore guy." Legolas panted.
"Indeed."
So Eomer let the injured bird eat the Elven soda cracker to mend its broken wing. The bird bowed to Eomer, pecked Gimli's nose, pooped on Legolas then flew away.
Eomer folded his arms across his broad chest. "This ghost you spoke of, was she rather pale?"
"Why yes indeed, they all were." Legolas nodded.
"Dammit those are MY ghosts! Bah! I'm going back the pool. Bring me a salad."
As Eomer swaggered way, Legolas and Gimli said, "Hail Caesar!" in unison, then went to find decent salad fixings.
PS-No birds were harmed in the writing of this story. Well, he was, but he got better.