Title: Willow's Thoughts: You
Author: Lysa-uk
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yes, please. lysaharris@fsmail.net
Distribution: As long as you ask first.
Spoilers: Early Season Three
Pairing: Willow/Xander angst
Summary: Willow reflects during the scene in 'Consequences' when she's sat in the girl's bathroom.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters mentioned here. They belong to Joss Whedon/UPN/Mutant Enemy etc. The song belongs to Point Break and Warner Music. No copyright intended. Please don't sue, I have nothing.
Notes: More angst. The song is by a really cheesy boy band type called Point Break. Don't ask me why I have this in my collection, cos I really don't know.
My life is over, I think to myself, hurrying down the empty school hall, making sure no one can see me, after The Bomb ™ that had been Xander's confession. I'm relieved to find that I'm all alone as I reach the sanctity of the girl's bathroom and I quickly usher myself into one of the stalls, pushing the door closed. It falls slightly open again but somehow I haven't got the strength or the resolve to close it again. I put down the lid of the toilet and I sit on it with my books on my lap, the tears already in my eyes, as I pull some toilet paper from the dispenser. My cheek is wet and I realise that the first tear had fallen.
You said
I don't know who you are
Trying to reach you
So near yet so far
You said
I was falling apart
How did you notice from this hole in your heart?
My mind immediately jumps back to those few stolen moments me and Xander had together, even though I don't want to remember them because it makes me hurt all the more. Ever since I had known about love, Xander had always been the one in my heart, and I always imagined how life would be for us once he realised we were supposed to be together. And that night before Homecoming…all I knew was him. Being with him made the rest of the world stop and fall away.
I dreamed every second through of every passing day
These dreams were reality
How was I to know
That they'd fly away?
Knowing what it was like to be in Xander's arms, to know what it was like to feel his lips on mine, that was the hardest thing I have ever, and will ever, give up.
Cos you
You stole the sun from my day
You always had your own say
You're drifting away
You
All of my life I waited for him, waited for him to notice me, to notice me as more than 'best friend Willow', and he broke my heart so many times without even realising it. All that time I allowed myself to be used as his sounding board when he wanted to ask Buffy out, listening to him go on about how in love he was with her. Watching as that moment when we almost kissed that night by the cemetery conveniently fell out of his brain. And let's not forget the whole Cordelia situation – that had been a surprise of huge proportions. I definitely hadn't seen that one coming. They had always enjoyed throwing insults at each other, and that was fine, except for the fact that sometimes it had gotten a little tedious. I shouldn't really think that because a lot of the time I know that Xander was only standing up for me, and that thought still makes me a little tingly inside, but I suspect that just gave him another reason to insult her. But seeing them together in the stacks…words can't describe how that made me feel.
I knew myself that I had to move on, to get over it. Buffy had told me time and time again, and I always agreed, in theory. It was always harder to put into practice. But I've given up on him now, I've had to. It's hard to believe in something that hurts so much, and that causes so much pain to everyone around us. But from time to time, I do allow myself the luxury of remembering being in the factory, of feeling his arms around me. Remembering hearing him saying so many of those things that I'd always wanted to hear him say.
Waiting
For the moment to come
I'm lost in this maze that
I've stumbled upon
Dreaming
Of a beautiful end
These wounds don't heal easy
But I'm trying to mend
I know that Faith didn't mean anything to him, and I don't know if that makes it better or worse. I guess I always thought he was like me, that he'd wait for the right person, the right time, until he was in love. But saying that, I'd always thought it would be me. It so nearly could have been me that night in the factory, barring the interruption from Oz and Cordelia, of course. But that's all over now. Now, I'm back with Oz, and he's great. But he's not Xander. It's not his fault, and I wish so badly that I could forget everything that Xander has been to me, and forget what he has so easily swept aside. I know that Xander only wanted what he couldn't have. He felt like we were drifting apart and he wanted to stop it somehow, and that's all it was to him. That's why I know it's right to be back with Oz.
Won't walk any further, babe
You're gonna watch me run
Been living in this fairytale
For far too long
Look what we've become
I wish I didn't know what happened with Faith.
Cos you
You stole the sun from my day
You always had your own say
You're drifting away
You
You stole the moon from my night
I always thought I was right
You've stolen my light
You
I'm glad I know, because as much as it hurts, it makes me see that Xander and I are never going to be what I want us to be. I'm sat in a bathroom stall, crying because my best friend slept with some turbo slut slayer.
I know that he was upset about the whole apocalypse thing that we didn't let him in on, but we couldn't – I couldn't – risk him getting hurt, even killed. Even if I had died, I would never have been able to forgive myself if that had happened. And it didn't take a genius to work out that he did that with her the night I said I loved him. Yes, I meant it in the 'best friend' way, but still!
So, now I know what I have to do. I have to dry my eyes and make sure they're not too red and puffy, and then I have to go to the library and be as normal as I can manage while I try to access the mayor's files. And then I have to forget about Xander, and get over him, and remember that I have a sweet, caring boyfriend who would never, could never, hurt me like that. I have to stop loving Xander and try to love Oz. You know what they say, 'if you can't be with the one you love…love the one you're with.'
I dreamed every second through of every passing day
These dreams were reality
How was I to know
That they'd fly away?
Cos you
You stole the sun from my day
You always had your own say
You're drifting away
You
You stole the moon from my night
I always thought I was right
You've stolen my light
You